Barackalypse Now

Be careful what you ask for, America. As of today, you have just over 74 days until Barack Obama is officially installed as the leader of the free world, thus precipitating Armageddon (finally). Time to "friend" Jesus (if you haven't already) and you better hope he accepts!

Of all the reasons to be afraid of Obama (he's black, he's Muslim, he's liberal, he's a terrorist, he's an alien, he's a zombie, he's Dracula), I think the best is that he is the Anti-Christ. It's about time someone finally stepped up to the plate on this one. There have been some good runs (Hitler, Stalin, Hussein, Bush), but so far no one has been able to trigger a full-on apocalypse. If Obama is as good as promised, we should be in for some good Rapturing come January.

Personally, I'm looking forward to it. A lot of people are all doom and gloom over this, but I say having a date certain for the end of the world is fantastic. Now I can stop caring about work, saving money and worrying about the "future" all the time. Wait, I pretty much already don't do any of those things. Well at least I can stop wondering whether I should start doing any of those things. And I guess I should get in with a church or two, just in case. I already have an "I love Jesus" trucker hat, so I should be good to go, but you can never be too sure.



Also, it's good knowing that our actions no longer have any real consequences. We can give up on the whole "going green" thing because really, I think the environment is going to be the least of the problems for those "left behind." Similarly, I no longer have to worry if it's "bad for me" to drink all day and eat pizza, which I plan on doing for the next 74.5 days.

So turn those frowns upside down, Americans. Party like you've got less than 3 months to live, 'cause it's true! Also, in case you were wondering, because an African-American has finally been elected President, black jokes are OK again and you can quote Blazing Saddles without being racist.

Time to Party Like it's 1999 (Again)!

The End of the World as We Know It (or TEOTWAWKI to plugged-in survivalists) is upon us (again) and as the economic meltdown escalates and a Second Great Depression looms, at least it's good to know someone (R.E.M. presumably) can still make money off of it. But also making money are those in the business of survivalism.

I can't blame them. Everyone saw the business model flourish as Y2K approached and people freaked out over the impending collapse of the world's computer systems and started hoarding food, water, guns and drugs in their cult-inspired compounds. Thank God Jesus didn't decide he was ready to come back yet, because now we get to do it all over again. But this time it's worse (for the people Jesus doesn't take back during the Rapture, that is): 911 won't work, water will kill you and if you don't have non-perishable food stockpiled you'll probably starve to death anyway.

Luckily there are people like Jim Wesley Rawles to operate websites like survivalblog.com. If not for him, I would be sitting here like an idiot not hoarding canned food in undisclosed locations or filling freezers full of prescription drugs and burying them in the woods. Without Rawles expert advice, I might still have money in banks. Good luck with that, people who still trust banks. Have fun with your worthless paper bills while I'm living the high life off my garage-sized supply of staples and paper clips, easily purchased with what I had left over after buying Costco out of their entire supply of sewing needles. Raw materials are going to be better than gold in the post Second Great Depression Era of Chaos and Mole People.

Additionally, according to Rawles' site, one of the most valuable commodities in the barter system of economy (which will undoubtedly emerge) will be cigarettes. Apparently this is because in the post-WWII horrorscape that was Germany, cigarettes were the most valuable bartering tool. I guess it makes sense because it is the same way in prison, so I've heard. So I definitely recommend hijacking at least a couple Phillips & Morris trucks to add to your compound. If you don't already have one from Y2K, you should build a compound, preferably with several underground chambers and a gun tower - remember, people (probably from the government) will be coming to harass you and/or steal your stuff. But don't stop there. Having cigarettes on hand will only take you so far. You need to be able to replace them once you exhaust your stockpile if you want to be able to procure goods and services. So I recommend that you go to your local nurseries and buy (steal) as many tree seeds as possible and plant them immediately. No one is going to be able to make cigarettes without paper, and if you have the most trees, you win. Also, you should then have enough wood to make a solid wall around your property to repel the inevitable onslaught of invaders. Remember that most standard-issue ladders reach at least 10 feet, so you want to probably go up at least 15 feet and make sure to line the top with sharp iron spikes or razor wire. Don't forget to include turrets for keeping watch over (shooting) the neighbors.

If you still have goods left from your Y2K stockpile, you have a good start. If you haven't even started hoarding yet, well all I can say is good luck. And for all you cynics out there, you can laugh all you want, but don't blame me or Mr. Rawles when you come crawling across our moats, infected with pneumonia and starving to death when we say "Sorry fellow human, but it's every man for himself around here. Shoulda started hoarding!" Maybe I'll cut you a break and give you some of my paper clips. Maybe.

NordSense Humanitarians of the Year: Doug and Jackie Christie

With only 3 months remaining in 2008, NBA "power couple" (huh?) Doug and Jackie Christie have locked up the highly coveted NordSense Humanitarian(s) of the Year Award. It marks the first time in the history of the award that co-winners have been named.

Last year's winner, Margaret Trask, earned the honor by courageously purchasing thousands of dollars worth of cat food to save the miserable creatures from potential poisoning. This year, Doug and Jackie Christie have seemingly raised the bar by pledging to buy 3,000 shares of corporate stock to assist with the AIG crises and "raise awareness and promote others to do the same."

According to the article, the Christies simply could not stand by and watch as one of the world's largest insurance companies faced imminent disaster, and called on all Americans to do the same:

'"We encourage all our fellow men and woman to buy at least two stocks to help with the global economic crisis," said Jackie Christie. "We want everyone to step up and help in any way that they can. This is a huge crisis we face, but together we can make a difference. Do not just sit by and watch."'

I can't applaud these people enough. If there's any cause more worthy of the world's attention than an insurance company in danger of collapse, I can't think of one. I really hope other celebrity do-gooders like Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates follow in the Christies' heroic footsteps so we can stop hearing about trivial causes like poverty, AIDS and lack of education in third-world countries. Time to get with the program guys, and starting helping out those who need it most- insurance companies!

So big thanks to Doug and Jackie Christie for calling attention to AIG's financial woes. I don't know what I would do in a world without AIG. I especially wouldn't know how to enjoy the NCAA tournament without all of those awesome AIG ads every other timeout. And now I have another excuse not to give money to poor people. "Sorry, pardner, I'd love to help you find shelter for the night and a warm meal, but Doug and Jackie Christie have made me realize that it's my duty as an American to buy corporate stock so some CEO doesn't have to sell one of his houses or, God forbid, one of his African big-game hunting farms. Maybe next time."

Doug and Jackie Christie, the world owes you.

Something to shoot for

There are people who set the bar, and then there are people who drive their drunk asses right over it. . .

Christian the Lion

The other day someone at work sent this out to the entire office:



Now, ignoring the immediately obvious latent bestial overtones for a moment, something else about this video disturbed me. No, it wasn't the fact that two goofy longhairs apparently need to hand-raise a lion, release it to the wild and have it "remember" them years later to validate their existence, although now that I think about it that is mildly upsetting. No, it's the sentiment at the end that made me say "Whaaa?"

"Love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. Get back in touch with someone today."

Really? I should get in touch with someone (who I probably have a very good reason for NOT keeping in touch with) just because some hipster doofuses think a lion is their best friend since after being away for a few years it recognized them as the source of every meal it ever ate from the time it was born until it was fully grown? I just had to check again to be sure, and yes, the posters of the video are actually suggesting people should get in touch with someone they have neglected apparently because this lion, for some reason, decided not to rip the faces off these people. I can imagine just how such a scenario would go down, and contrary to the video's suggestion, it won't be pretty:

Son: Hi Dad.

Dad: Son? Is that really you?

Son: Yes Dad, it's me. I know it's been awhile. Well, awhile is 30 years. And I know I told you to fuck off, and never speak to me again. And I know I said I wished I was adopted. And I know I said I wished you wouldn't have survived the car accident. But you know, I've been thinking, and I think I want to get back in touch with you.

Dad: Really? Wow, I mean, this is really shocking. I gave you up for dead, basically. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I started drinking again, actually. But this is what I've been praying for and dreaming about, to have you in my life again. I'm willing to start over if you are. You want to get together for coffee or something, just to start out?

Son: Sure, Dad. I'd really like that.

Dad: Great, terrific! So what happened, what made you pick up the phone all of a sudden, after all these years and after everything that happened?

Son: Well, it was a video someone at work sent me on youtube, actually. You see, these guys found a baby lion and didn't want to let it die so they fed it until it was full grown. They were the best of friends. But it was too big to keep in town then. So they actually released it into the wild, in Africa. It was hard to say goodbye to the lion. But they knew it was for the best. Then they started to miss the lion. After all, they were the best of friends. Oh, and they named it Christian. So they missed the lion, because they were the best of friends, and after a number of years they went back to Africa to find it. People said they were crazy, that Christian would rip their faces off. But they didn't believe them. They were best of friends with Christian, the lion. And it turns out, when they went back, the lion recognized them immediately and came charging down the hill - not to tear their faces off, but to leap into their arms and give them a big hug. So after watching that I thought, 'You know, love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. I should get in touch with someone today.' So I picked up the phone.

Dad: Fuck you. [click].

Grand Theft America

If anyone is wondering why I haven't been blogging lately, it's because my client convinced me to buy Grand Theft Auto IV. It is the best advice a client has ever given me. Not only is the game fun, but, even though I'm only about 60% through the game, I think I am more than qualified to run drugs for kingpins, carry out hits for dirty cops and mob bosses, and assassinate random people for shadowy guys who only communicate via pay-phone should I find myself unexpectedly in need of work. I also am fairly confident I could, if the need arises, successfully evade law enforcement in a high-speed pursuit, be it by car, boat, or helicopter.

But those aren't the only reasons I love GTA. Entering the world of GTA is like traveling to no-consequence land. Sure your actions in GTA have consequences, but often not the kind you would expect to find in the real world. For example, in GTA you can take out half a city block with a rocket launcher, steal a nearby car and in 15 seconds the police won't even be looking for you. Not that I would want to murder anyone in real life, but c'mon, who hasn't at least thought about how they would commit a murder and avoid prosecution? In GTA, you actually get to plot murders and assassinations, and getting away with it is key to your success. OK, it occurs to me a lot of people probably haven't thought about how they would commit a murder. If you are one of those people, perhaps Grand Theft Auto is not something you would enjoy.

Indeed, Grand Theft Auto is something that a lot of people like to hate, and not just the people who don't daydream about committing murders. A lot of people think it's an abomination and evil in its purest form. They think it is a bad influence on kids and will somehow corrupt people's morality and values. Of course, you don't find these same people objecting to games like "Call of Duty" because when it's the military blowing people up somehow that's OK. And since kids obviously go out in real life and immediately do whatever they've been doing in video games, I guess, based on the fact that way more kids play GTA, it's much more likely they'll join the mafia than the military. I guess I can see why people are upset. After all, we need those kids to be dying in Iraq for a "purpose," not in Jersey for mob money.

But I don't think that "bad influence" is really why games like Grand Theft Auto bother a lot of people. I think it is because they reveal truths about America they don't want to face. No one likes having a mirror held up in front of them, at least no one with a problem they don't want to admit they have. And Grand Theft Auto holds up a mirror to segments of the United States that a lot of people would rather just pretend don't exist. There is rampant drug violence going on in cities all over this country, but most people don't have to think about it in the safety of their suburbs and gated communities. I know I don't have to think about it in my apartment, except when I'm playing GTA of course. Obviously there aren't entire cities mired in the type of chaos and lawlessness like that in GTA, but there are definitely significant areas within many major American cities that come close.

In fact, in March of 2007 U.S. Representative Tim Walberg was roundly ridiculed for comparing Iraq to Detroit in terms of violence in an attempt to argue that the situation in Iraq was improving. Hooray, it's not worse than Detriot (440 estimated murders in 2005, or 9.8 per 100,000 inhabitants)! Actually it was still a little worse. But regardless, I think most people would rather not think about the fact that we have mini-Baghdad's all over the country where people don't depend on police for security, but drug lords and gang members. Any criminal defense attorney will tell you that increased law enforcement efforts do not decrease gang and drug-related violence. Only strong and brutal control by cartels and drug lords can reduce the bloodshed. In fact, it is usually when police focus efforts to remove certain leaders in the drug and gang world that they create a power vacuum and violence spikes again as rival groups battle for control of the black market. Much like Iraq when Saddam was removed from power, but on a smaller level. An examination of murder rates in the U.S. from the past century illustrates the point.

So what is the point? In GTA, the L.C.P.D. is fairly powerless and really do very little in the way of maintaining law and order, just like police departments in some of the most crime-ridden areas of this country struggle to control gang and drug violence. In GTA the entire city is a battleground between rival mobsters and drug-runners, and police only sometimes prove to be a minor annoyance, unless you've terrorized the populace enough that you end up with a 6-star wanted level, then you're probably ending up in the hospital with some bullet-induced head trauma.

Truly, people hate what they don't understand. And if you don't understand why camping out on a roof with a sniper rifle shooting police helicopters out of the sky is a damn good time, then I can't help you. But if you think GTA is fantasy world built for bloodthirsty psychopaths with no basis in reality, check out some of the old L.A. riot footage from '92 and see if you think GTA is really that far off.

So, all in all, I'm really glad that instead of focusing on ways to improve the situation here in the U.S., we're spending lives and money to give people in other countries the opportunity not only to play GTA, but to live GTA. And who said you could never learn anything playing video games?

"Swimming Lessons"

Mister Rogers at his creepiest. Where was Chris Hansen on this one? Keep those hands above the water Fred!

Sacrifice

President Bush announced yesterday he quit playing golf out of respect for the families of U.S. soldiers killed in the Iraq war. His last round of golf was reportedly in 2003, when he decided it "just wasn't worth it" anymore. What an inspiring story. It is so rare these days that a leader truly leads. There are a lot of people out there saying they "support the troops," but who can claim they are actually making the kind of sacrifice President Bush has made? And the best part is that he never even wanted credit for it. He hasn't played golf since 2003, and he is just announcing this now? It just makes me so proud to be an American to think that President Bush has been silently suffering, not playing golf, for 5 years and we all had no idea.

I have to take back all those things I said about Bush not supporting the troops. Sure, he may have sent them into an unnecessary war based on questionable intelligence, put them in more danger by horribly mismanaging the post-invasion strategy and failing to provide them with decent armor and equipment, and for icing on the cake is stretching them to the breaking point with increasingly longer tours and inadequate leave, but wow, for almost the entire time he hasn't played a single round of golf! And we all know how much President Bush loves golf. It must be just about as much as our troops love their spouses and children, or as much as their families love them, or it would be a slap in the face, or, more appropriately, an IED in the cranium.

If President Bush loves golf as much as I love Creed, I totally know what he's going through. I remember when I gave up listening to Creed for Lent one year, and it was so hard! If giving up golf is as hard for the President as giving up Creed was for me, it must be totally killing him! Well not actually killing him, because that would be what's happening to our soldiers in Iraq, but I bet he really, really, really can't wait for this thing to be over so he can golf again. Which is weird, because he's had so many chances to stop the war from dragging on, yet he continues to veto any legislation with a timeline for troop withdrawal. I would think, knowing that as soon as the war is over he can golf again, he'd be jumping all over getting our troops out of there. Maybe he's just nervous about getting back on the links after such a big layoff. Or maybe he just wants to wait until after he's out of office, so he can avoid moments like these:

Bums, Tramps, Hobos, Transients, Layabouts

I live downtown and work only a few blocks away, so I walk to work. Because I walk to work, and because I live in this area, I encounter more than my fair share of homeless people on the street. It's really no big deal, other than I have to be careful not to step on them sometimes (seriously), but the encounters can often be fairly entertaining. For example, here is one recent exchange:

Homeless guy: Hey.
Me: Hey?
Homeless guy: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Me: I don't know.
Homeless guy: The taste!

For some reason, I feel like he knew that from experience.

Another guy, awhile back, simply sat on a bench all day yelling at everyone who went by. I went by him twice and both times he was yelling, "Mutants! You're all damn mutants!"

Another lady would periodically sit on a bench outside my office window and yell at a pine tree for hours. I don't know what that tree ever did to her, but she was not happy about it. To the tree's credit, it didn't fight back. It just sat there and took the abuse. She spent a good few days yelling at the tree off and on, and then disappeared. Maybe the tree finally said it was sorry.

Just the other day, I passed two seemingly homeless people and one of them was asking the other one, "What's the difference between a tramp and a transient?" I don't think he was setting up a punchline for a joke, and if he was I didn't hear it. But if he really was asking because he wanted to know the answer, and if he is reading this, I would like to offer my theory:

A transient is someone who moves from place to place, with no permanent residence. A transient may be homeless from time to time, but is not necessarily so. A tramp is not necessarily a transient, nor is a tramp necessarily homeless. But a tramp will always accept money for sexual favors and if you go to prom with one you will never live it down. Used in a sentence: "Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are having a contest to see who can be the biggest tramp." Further, a bum is not necessarily a tramp nor a transient, but always smells like steel reserve and urine. A hobo is always a transient, not necessarily homeless, may be a tramp, and is always a bum. I hope this helps.

My favorite homeless people, by far, are Crabapple Guy and J.W. Crabapple Guy first appeared some time last year as a black cowboy, wearing a leather jacket (with fringe), cowboy hat, boots, and carrying a portable stereo. He would sit outside my window (which looks out over a courthouse lawn), not far from where the lady would argue with the tree, and blast his radio while singing (more like shouting) along. He never really stayed on the same station for more than a couple minutes at a time, and rarely shouted the lyrics accurately. Sometimes he would turn the radio off and have running conversations and/or shouting matches with himself. At one point he lost the radio, but that did not phase Crabapple Guy. Instead of singing to the radio, he stood underneath the American Flag and shouted the National Anthem as loud as he could. He saluted the whole time.

At this point you may be wondering why I call him Crabapple Guy. There is a crabapple tree in the courthouse lawn, and at one point last fall, after it had dropped all its crabapples, Crabapple Guy showed up with grocery bags and methodically harvested every single crabapple from the lawn. He gathered them a few hours a day for a couple weeks until they were all picked up. He didn't even keep the crabapples. He just left the grocery bags full of crabapples on the lawn. Done and done. And when the crabapples were gone, he would spend his time arranging pine cones into elaborate formations all over the lawn. If you live on a farm and you've ever had "crop circles" appear in your fields, you might want to find out if Crabapple Guy was in the area before you jump to any conclusions. He is extremely disciplined and devoted to whatever imaginary entity is telling him to complete these tasks.

J.W. is a tall, gangly fellow with a scraggly beard and worn out cowboy hat who was around a lot last summer. Most of the time I saw him he would be staggering around in the streets yelling at things that weren't there while making wild gestures and just generally being disruptive. But one time a friend and I were having a couple of beers on the patio of a downtown bar and we noticed him shuffle up to one of the tables on the outskirts of the seating area. Oddly for J.W., he just sat there quietly. We soon noticed he was sitting quietly most likely because he was fading in and out of consciousness. At some points, he would put his head down on the table and appear to pass out, but then he would suddenly come to and sit back up. We joked with the waitress that we were buying a shot for "the guy over there," pointing to J.W. She laughed and said, "If you actually do shots with him I'll buy." Opportunities like that do not knock twice.

She brought the shots over and we took them to J.W.'s table. I think they were Washington Apples.

Us: Hey, what's your name?
J.W.: J.W. And that's Bruce [gesturing to the seat next to his]. But Bruce left. [It should be noted that at no time prior to that did we ever see anyone sitting with him].
Us: Well, fuck him.
J.W.: [emphatically] Yeah, fuck him!
Us: Hey, we got shots. You want one?
J.W.: [laughing maniacally] Sure!
Us: To Bruce!
J.W. Bruce! [laughter, mumbling]

From then on, whenever we saw J.W. we would yell "J.W.!" and he would stop his staggering and gesturing, smile and yell something incomprehensible in our direction. I would like to think that we were J.W.'s best friend that summer. J.W., if you are reading this, come back this summer. Drinks are on us!

WWJD? Meth!

Complaining about anti-drug billboards because you don't think your kids should see them isn't normal, but for some Christians it is. The Montana Meth Project recently agreed to take down some of its more "disturbing" billboards after Christian and family groups complained. According the groups, many people objected to the ads because they didn't want to have to try to explain what was going on in the billboards to their children.

I have to applaud these people. Kids have enough to deal with these days without worrying about what meth might do to them. Things like grades, summer jobs, teachers, clubs, athletics, deciding where to go to college, and just fitting in socially produce enough pressure on kids without the added stress of having to figure out which drugs will make them think there are bugs crawling under their skin, compel them to let strange men have sex with them at truck stops, or turn them into razor-toothed parent and sibling-attacking zombies. If these billboards are allowed to proliferate and make kids too scared to do meth, that is just one more thing in this age of terror they are told they have to be afraid of. How are they supposed to cope?

I think Jesus is an obvious choice. Undoubtedly, these Christian groups are hoping kids will choose to go to their church instead of drug and booze parties. And I think they will. I have found that nothing relieves stress for me after a long week of getting dumped on by the Man better than sitting in a building the size of an airplane hangar with a bunch of lunatics while a guy screams at me to accept Christ or I'm going to Hell. The immediate need for mass quantities of mood-altering substances is definitely the last thing I am thinking about at churches like these.

And if these groups have their way, the mere thought of drugs of any kind will never cross these pure, innocent children's minds as long as they live. Again, I am 100 percent behind them. Why sully the landscape of our towns with horrifying images depicting the real consequences of meth use and put ideas in kids' heads at the same time? "You mean I can have sex with truckers on a dirty bathroom floor and make 15 bucks? Where do I sign up?" It best not to even allow kids to think they have the option.

I'm sure most kids would never have even heard of meth if not for these ads. And everyone knows the best way to make a kid want to do something is to have an adult tell him not to.
In fact, I don't think any parent should talk to their kids about drugs unless the kid has been addicted for at least 5 years. Just like sex, they won't know what it is until you tell them it's wrong, so why take the risk?

No, kids are obviously better off without these ads, or even having to think about them. Such graphic, realistic and arguably gratuitous depictions of gory violence should be reserved for only the most worthy of causes, like religion. That's why I think these groups should go one step further, and not only have all the meth billboards removed, but have them replaced with images from The Passion of the Christ.

Picture it: The words "Blasphemy: Not even once" across a billboard showing Jesus hanging from the cross pouring massive amounts of blood from virtually every pore in his skin while Roman soldiers drive the last nail into his foot, or "Glorifying sadistic execution rituals for profit isn't normal, but for churches it is," on a picture of the horrifying and seemingly implausible lakes of blood left on the ground after Christ was scourged at the pillar.

It can't miss. As the Montana Meth Project has proven (teenage meth use in Montana is down 45 percent, and meth-related crimes are down 62 percent), these billboards work. So with the meth ads gone and the new "Passion" billboards in effect, expect to see kids flocking to Christian churches statewide, and the so-called "drug problem" will be just a memory. Thanks, Jesus.

Price of Dirt Soars 800 Percent Leading to Shortages, Widespread Rioting

Record oil prices and rising sea levels have driven the price of dirt up 800 percent since January, leading to worldwide shortages and mass rioting. Agencies across third world countries have reported a significant breakdown in the social order as bandits and militias raid dirt farms and forcefully intercept dirt shipments from relief organizations as the world braces for a global catastrophe.

"It's like nothing we've seen before," DIRTFAM director Clod Mudman said Friday. "These countries, more than any others, depend on dirt for their livelihoods. This is truly a crisis of epic proportions."

Dirt riots have become commonplace in Egypt, Yemen, Cameroon, Ethiopia, Haiti, Indonesia, Mexico, the Philippines, and Senegal, and Mudman predicts the situation is not likely to improve.

"The dirt farmers have no way to protect their crop," Mudman said. "And it's becoming impossible for us to get dirt to the people who need it most."

People in the third world depend heavily on dirt for both food and housing. Haitian dirt, for example, is considered a delicacy and is in particularly high demand. Dirt is also the number one building resource in the third world, raising concerns for the future of structure-building in these countries.

"It used to be that they could at least, as a last resort, burrow into the ground like mole-people to get out of the elements," Mudman said. "But with dirt going the way it's going, it is looking more and more like we are going to have to go back to caves at some point."

Nguyen Ngnu, of Thailand, is on the verge of doing just that. Ngnu, a 33-year-old father of nine, sold chicken beaks at a local market before the dirt shortage. As dirt became scarce, Ngnu was forced to sell his chickens and most of the family's possessions.

"There is no more dirt," Ngnu said. "Where is the dirt? The government says to be patient, that there will be dirt but how long can we wait?"

With no more dirt to raise his chickens on, and as a result no beaks to take to market, Ngnu and his family are facing the dirtless future.

"We have no food, our floor is down to bedrock," Ngnu said. "When we had a dirt floor at least it could be leveled and not digging into our backs as we slept. Pang, our oldest, is out searching for a cave. When he finds one, we will go."

In the meantime, Ngnu and so many others like him find ways to cope without dirt, but they are running out of time. Mudman estimates that, without intervention, dirt distribution among the third world could fall as much as 75 percent in just the next year. If that happens, look for dirt-based violence to dramatically escalate, he said.

"It's up to us, who live in dirt-rich countries, to find a solution," Mudman said. "We have plenty of dirt to spare. In America alone we waste more dirt in a day than many of these countries produce in a year. For the cost of a single mud bath, you could feed dirt to a small village for six months. Something to think about."

NordSense Solutions: Teen Pregnancy

So many problems, so little time. Today - teen pregnancy. Already, I'm sure some of you are wondering, "Is teen pregnancy really a problem?" I guess it really isn't, unless you are a teen and you don't want to be pregnant. So I guess a better description of the problem is "unwanted" teen pregnancy. Apparently "unwanted" teen pregnancies are on the rise again (after experiencing a sharp decline during the "Britney is preggers" years when getting knocked up by some no-talent creeper was the "cool" thing to do, everyone has now seen how it made her go bean bags and, like those incredibly annoying little fluffy dog-rats they all bought a few years ago to be like Paris, their pregnancies just don't seem as "cute" anymore and are starting to make them smell funny).

So what is the answer? I'm glad you asked: Childhood obesity. Now, some of you might say "But isn't childhood obesity yet another growing problem?" And you might be right. But if I learned anything from law school it's that there isn't a single problem that can't be made into an opportunity (usually an opportunity to blame someone and make money). In this case, I think childhood obesity is the perfect opportunity.

It should be obvious by now that sex education, abstinence education, and every other kind of education has failed to prevent unwanted teen pregnancies. The fact is, teens like to have sex, and they like to have sex because it is fun. So how do you stop teens from wanting to have sex? Easy- make it less fun. Or even better, not fun at all. And what's the easiest way to do that? Make sure that as many kids as possible, by the time they are teens, are morbidly obese. We are already off to a pretty good start. But we can do better. The more teens that are grossly obese, the less likely it is that any of them will become pregnant unintentionally, or really, pregnant at all.

It goes without saying, as anyone who's joined the "deuce, deuce-and-a-half club" knows, that sex with someone who is morbidly obese is a lot more work than fun. Statistics have even shown that most people, given the choice, would rather build a deck than have sex with a morbidly obese person. Sure, building a deck sucks and it's a lot of work, but at least when you're done you have something you can use, and the only maintenance you need to perform is some painting every so often. But have sex with someone who's morbidly obese, and he or she will undoubtedly want you to feed him or her afterwards, and, like a lost puppy, you'll now have a new best friend, except it will be a new best friend that costs you $500 a week in groceries.

Faced with the alternatives (i.e. moving to Europe), I think kids will abstain. Obviously, the risk of implementing this plan is that we will see a dramatic increase in unintentional deck-building, but I think that is a risk we should be willing to take. Of course, it is unrealistic to think that we can get 100% of our teens to be morbidly obese. Undoubtedly some parents won't want their kids to become sufficiently obese so as to utterly repulse the opposite sex. But society will soon recognize that these parents are just part of the problem, and they will be swiftly shunned into submission.

It is also unrealistic to think that a lot of teens won't get drunk enough to think that sex with a fellow morbidly obese party-goer would be a "pretty good idea", which leads me to the second part of my foolproof plan: Ban alcohol and legalize marijuana, because, let's face it, there is yet to be a single documented case of "pot goggles". And with pot legalized, the kids can still get their altered-state-of-consciousness fix, but they can get it with piles of brownies, guaranteeing they'll stay grotesquely obese for years to come.

It's not only another win, it's a win-win-win, and another problem solved. You're welcome, America.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure your kids know that they have until age 25 to slim down to "obese" or "mildly obese", otherwise they legally waive most of their rights under the Constitution. I recommend extreme surgery or miracle diet pills, but please consult with a physician. If you can't afford a physician, consult a late-night TV infomercial or just ask the Internet.

Mutant Man-Cows Sadly Still Not A Reality

I was disappointed to learn today that despite scientists' best efforts, the creation of mutant man-cows is still just a dream. Even worse, scientists say the intent of a recent human-cow embryo project isn't even to make mutant man-cows, but to cure disease. Thanks for nothing, science. I mean, if we are inserting human DNA into the egg cells of cows for any other purpose than to create mutant man-cows, then what's the point?

Sure, curing disease is great, and I'm all for that, but why stop there? If we can cure disease and create mutant man-cows in the process, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't. OK, I can see how a lot of people would think that mutant man-cows is something that could only happen in some futuristic fantasy world. But a lot of people also thought that we could never make it to the moon. What if we had listened to them? What if we had just said, "Oh yeah, the moon's WAY too far away- we probably shouldn't even try"? Then we'd be sitting here, having never been to the moon, still wondering what it's made out of and why it's making such an angry face at us all the time.

I, for one, don't want to be sitting here 50 years from now, sans mutant man-cows, wondering what might have been. And don't think this is just about mutant man-cows. If they can make mutant man-cows, you know they can make mutant man-just about anythings. Meagles (mutant man-eagles), Mea Lions (mutant man-sea lions), Malruses (mutant man-walruses), Menguins (mutant man-penguins), and Moxen (mutant man-oxen), are just a few I'd like to see off the top of my head. The possibilities are endless. But if we're not even going to try to make something as basic as a mutant man-cow, the chances of ever see something as glorious as a mutant man-hippo-zebra-fish are about as good as those of Eddie Murphy ever making a good movie again. But take Eddie Murphy's DNA and cross it with a sloth bear's and a gila monster's, see what comes out and put that in charge of a day-care, and you've got a box-office smash.

Unfortunately, some angry people who don't like fun and aren't happy unless they are complaining are whining that creating hybrid manimal freaks would be "unethical". But I think that fusing mankind's superior intellect with the animal kingdom's highly adapted physical features is just the next logical step for the evolution of humanity. Think about it- the vast resource of the multitude of species around us has gone largely untapped. So far we have really only tamed and bred animals to do our work, be food for us, or make us not feel as sad when we have been rejected by the rest of humanity because we are emotionally unstable (see: cats).

But a time will surely come when we will need to adopt much of the animal kingdom's unique abilities just to survive. Whether we need specialized digging abilities to burrow like mole-people away from a Nuclear wasteland, fish gills for breathing underwater after all the icecaps have melted, or antelope legs for running long distances after we run out of oil, it is in humans' best interests to start sooner than later. Sure, laugh now, but we won't be the ones laughing when a battalion of hyena-men from space comes to conquer us and we don't even have an army of flying squirrel-baboon-men ready to fight back. So if we eventually find ourselves slaves to a mutant race of hyena-people from space, don't blame me, blame the do-nothing scientists who wouldn't even make a simple man-cow when they had the chance.

NordSense Solutions: Iraq

To commemorate the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, PBS ran a two part series entitled Bush's War. The series was in-depth, well-researched, included countless interviews with people inside the State Department, Pentagon and CIA and was nearly 4 hours in length. It presented in painstaking detail every step (and misstep) made in the planning and execution of the invasion and occupation of Iraq from September 11, 2001 right up to recent months. It is probably the most comprehensive account of what went on that exists in current media.

I highly recommend it- but in case you don't have 4 hours to kill in front of your computer or T.V., I'll give you the main gist: Don Rumsfeld is a complete assbag. And, to the same extent, Bush and Cheney are assbags for putting him in charge and then backing him each time he would make some idiotic, ignorant and boneheaded decision (which was often). But as the wise old wizard John McCain says, that was then, this is now. The past is the past. "We are where we are now". And we need a solution - a way out of Iraq without making the situation worse than it already is (if that's even possible).

Other than the boneheaded idea of invading Iraq in the first place, it is obvious that the second biggest blunder in this whole debacle was not sending in nearly enough troops to secure the country after toppling Saddam's regime. And while the "surge" is "working" (relatively speaking, which really isn't saying much), it is painfully clear that nothing short of a drastic, sustained increase in military personnel will provide enough security for the "political process" in Iraq to resolve itself. And with our U.S. military already stretched dangerously thin and otherwise occupied in Afghanistan fighting real terrorists, and with the "coalition of the willing" slowly dwindling to an Army of One, I think there's only one solution: Clone armies.

Think about it. Whether you think cloning is "right" or "wrong", you have to admit that breeding an army of clones to secure Iraq is a foolproof plan. We wouldn't have to worry about things like grieving families and friends, because clones wouldn't have families or friends. They really wouldn't even have emotions if we didn't want them to - we could make them all carbon copies of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and raise them in an underground bunker where all they learn to do is eat, sleep and kick ass. We wouldn't have to deal with things like disabled veteran clones with post-traumatic stress disorder and mental issues, because we could simply "retire" the clones when the job is done, or deploy them to Iran. . .

We wouldn't have to spend all kinds of money treating the wounded, we could just make more clones instead. We wouldn't have to spend money paying for their college, because clones don't need college. They just need to go where they're told. Obviously, it would cost some money to breed and train the clones, but eventually the money we could save by phasing out the "volunteer" army would put us billions ahead.

Yes, there's no doubt. The "clone surge" would overwhelm the insurgency and all of this squabbling over what to do in Iraq would be a thing of the past. And with cloning now suddenly socially acceptable, think of the possibilities: we could clone important leaders like JFK, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy so that the government can conspire to assassinate them again. Hooray!

Now I know what you might be saying, that the Bush Administration would never support breeding clone armies as a morally acceptable practice. But c'mon, if they are willing to send over 4,000 Americans to their deaths in a war started on false pretenses for no purpose other than to inflate their massive egos and ensure their reelection, they shouldn't bat an eye at clone armies, right?

And just like that, another problem solved. You're welcome, world.

Taking One for the Team

I hear a lot of people say that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. You take the easy way out while your family and friends have to deal with the pain you've caused, funeral expenses, etc. I've thought about it, and I have to respectfully disagree. In this age of Global Warming, what better way to reduce your carbon footprint than to eliminate it altogether? What better way to "give back" to the environment than to, literally, give your body back to the earth to stimulate plant and animal growth? I believe taking your own life, then, would not be the most selfish thing someone could do, as a lot of people would have you believe, but rather, is truly the ultimate sacrifice, and is one of the best ways to ensure a better tomorrow for future generations. So to all you suicide victims out there, don't listen to the naysayers. They're just jealous because they don't have the testicular fortitude to do it themselves. After all, it's a lot easier to judge and point fingers when they're not the ones slicing their wrists open with razor blades. So a heartfelt thanks, suicide victims, from me to you, for taking one for the team.

Happy Easter

In honor of the occasion- the Dr. Seuss Bible:

Someone Owes Me Money (Again)!

You may recall a few months ago when "reporter" Matthew Brown with the Associated Press ripped off my story about the escalating warfare between animals and humans without paying me so much as a nickel. I have still not received any credit, compensation, or even a thank-you note from Mr. Brown.

I was so distraught and angry, I could barely blog. I'm still angry. Why take the time and trouble to post things online if they're just going to be pilfered by "journalists" desperate to sell newspapers to people not smart enough to realize they can get all the "news" they need on the Internet for free? Well recently I decided some stories just needed to be told and ended my boycott. To no one's surprise, it's happening again.

This time it's some coward at "McClatchy Newspapers", purportedly out of Miami, burgling my story ideas and passing them off as his or her own. You'll recall the in-depth analysis of the increasing phenomenon of dead people's Myspace pages I posted last week. Well imagine my surprise (ok, not surprise) when I saw this story hit the news wires on Tuesday. You're welcome, McClatchy newspapers. No need to thank me publicly, link to my post or offer me a cut of your subscription revenue. That copyright information at the bottom of my page is just an inside joke I have with my friends . . .

But my main beef isn't even that the anonymous McClatchy Newspapers "reporter" is a plagiarist. It's that he or she seems to all-but endorse Myspace memorials to dead people with slight mention of the morbid and unhealthy fascinations this sick practice perpetuates. Worse, McClatchy Newspapers fails to even address the issue I have with the practice- that these "Myspace memorials" are costing online predators increasing amounts of valuable time and effort that could be better spent stalking and harassing people who are actually alive. If you are going to steal a meal, at least take the meat.

So I hope you're happy "McClatchy Newspapers", if that is your real name. Next time you need a tip, you know where to look.

McCain Seeks 'Retarded Black Woman' for VP Nod

Tuscon, Ariz.--

Republican presidential candidate and presumptive nominee Sen. John McCain announced today he is seeking a "retarded black woman" to serve as his vice presidential running mate.

Reaction to the announcement from political analysts has been mixed, though some have praised McCain's effort to get a leg up on his future Democratic competition. Having sewn up the Republican nomination with primary victories in both Texas and Ohio last week, McCain appears to be wasting no time in looking ahead to the eventual general election contest. It remains unclear whether he will face New York Senator Hillary Clinton or Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who are locked in a protracted battle for the Democratic nomination, but McCain appears to be seeking a running mate that will give him the best chance of defeating either opponent.

"We believe a retarded black woman will cover our bases quite nicely," McCain said. "It's going to be an unstoppable ticket regardless of who we're facing. Especially if she also happens to be grossly obese."

Senior campaign adviser for McCain Mark McKinnon explained the choice as an attempt to one-up the eventual Democratic nominee and capture independent voters clamoring for change.

"The Democrats will either have a woman or a black man running for President," McKinnon said. "And they are benefiting from people falling all over themselves for the novelty. They are getting all these people who want to be the ones to vote either the first woman or first black man to the presidency. Well we're just going one step further, so now they'll have a black and a woman on the ticket in the same person. And if we're lucky, she'll be a fat retarded one. I defy the Democratic ticket to beat that."

While some analysts questioned the move, others believe it is a politically savvy strategy given the potential that Clinton and Obama could appear together on a so-called "dream ticket."

"Choosing a black woman as his running mate is really a bold move," Shemp Dunderton, former adviser to President Carter, said. "Not only is it an innovative and cutting-edge thing to do, it might be the only way McCain can compete with the Clinton-Obama type of ticket that has everyone buzzing."

Dunderton lauded the strategy, saying an obese black retarded woman would undoubtedly inject much-needed life into McCain's campaign.

"If he finds a gal with a little spunk, a little spontaneity, his campaign might become the hottest ticket around," Dunderton said. "A fat retarded black woman sharing the stage with John McCain will do nothing if not generate tons of interest."

Others derided the decision as desperate and predicted the campaign would disintegrate into a gong show. Not to be outdone, the Clinton campaign issued a statement that if she were nominated, she would seek a half-Japanese hermaphrodite to run on her ticket, while Obama stated that if named the Democratic nominee his first choice for vice presidential running mate would be Ukrainian "Dog Girl" Oxana Malaya.

Questioned as to whether he thought the American people were ready for a mentally retarded Vice President, McKinnon said, "If they are willing elect George W. Bush President twice, we don't think they'll have any problem with a retard."

McKinnon would not say which, or how many retarded black women McCain is considering, but confirmed that Star Jones is "on the short list, obviously."

Please take down your deceased daughter's/girlfriend's/sister's/niece's myspace page

Like most Americans, and all sexual predators, I love Myspace. It is the only place I can stalk women without being harassed by pesky people like neighbors and the police (note to federal investigators now probably reading this - just check out, oh, any of my other posts if you think I am serious). But there is a growing trend among users of "the Myface" that is disturbing as it is frustrating: Dead people's profiles being "preserved" in their memory. Specifically, dead girls.

I would like to kindly and respectfully ask the family members/significant others/friends of these people to go ahead and delete their pages immediately. I can't tell you how many times this happens: I'm browsing along, trolling for hotties, and I come across some page of a really cute girl who also looks like a person I would be interested in getting to know better, and by "getting to know better" I mean stalk and harass over the internet. Naturally, I have to check the rest of the pics, because we all know how the "profile" pics can be manipulated to make an atrocious slumpbuster look like the Playmate of the Year. So I'll dive in to the albums, where hopefully I'll get the real deal, and she's still looking good. Then I'll notice she actually lives near me, likes the same things I like, and even has a decent set of "top friends" (instead of the normal slew of bands, weird D.J.'s, and guys on snowmobiles and/or crotch rockets dressed like they think they're posing for an Eminem album cover). Next, of course, I have to find out if she's single. And she is- so far so good.

Then, finally, before I go any further, I have to check out the comments. That's where things get real. Is she a decent human, or just human garbage? You usually don't need to delve very far into the comment section to answer that question. And that's when things take a huge turn for the worse: "We'll always miss you and love you! Forever in our hearts!"? "Our angel, on loan from God"? "R.I.P. Ashley"?? "Your light will shine on always! Best friends forever!!"???

So that is when I start to get the idea that something is clearly wrong here: This chick is obviously deceased, and now the entire venture has been a colossal waste of time. Yeah I know you're all grieving and this person meant a lot to you, but for everyone's sake, please take the page down. Do you really think the best way to get over the loss of your loved one is to pretend they're still alive and write things to her myspace page? No, any psychologist will tell you the healthiest thing is to ceremoniously discard of their page so you can begin the first steps of moving on with your lives. Also, do you really think the best way to preserve their memory is to turn them into a giant tease? Because to all the myspace predators out there, that is what they are now.

I'm not a heartless bastard- of course I understand if it would be just too hard and you have to keep the page going. But if that is the case, can you at least have the courtesy to change the name of the profile to reflect that the person is no longer alive? Maybe something like "Dead Sarah" or "Brittany, yes, the one that just died in the accident". That way at least everyone knows, up front, not to expect them to return any messages.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

My Black History

As you know, today is Leap Day. Hooray! It is also Black History Month. Hooray? Leap Day was created so that once every four years Black History Month wouldn't be so short and insulting to blacks. You're welcome, blacks. So in the spirit of giving and the special occasion that is today, I'd like to contribute to this year's extended Black History Month by sharing my own black history.

The first time I saw a black person in real life (not on TV) was when I was in first grade. There was actually a black person in my class. I think his name was Aaron. He seemed like a nice kid. We liked to touch his hair because it was fuzzy. Aaron, other than being black, wasn't too memorable. The next year, Aaron was gone. No one asked why. We were 7. At that age, you show up to class, and some people who were there last year are not there the next. You don't really even think about it. Also, at that time, I didn't really know Aaron was black, I just knew his hair was fuzzy.

I wouldn't encounter another black person until fourth grade. His name was Marcus. He wore prescription goggles a la Buck Williams, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Horace Grant. I'm not racist, I just can't think of any white NBA players that wore prescription goggles. Bill Laimbeer wore that ridiculous face mask for awhile, but that doesn't count. Wait, Kurt Rambis! Yeah, they were just like Kurt Rambis'. He was a nice kid too, but he was loud. I remember he was constantly being told to quiet down and sit still. Music class was the best because Marcus would shout rather than sing, which exasperated our already exasperated music teacher, which always meant good amusement for the rest of us. Like Aaron, the next year Marcus would be gone. Again, I didn't really know or think about the fact that Marcus was black. I just knew he was loud.

There would not be another black person in any of my classes until college. I was aware of some black people in my area between fourth grade and college, but I never really had any close encounters. I don't remember exactly when I became "aware" of black people as a race, but it was probably when I started watching Yo! MTV Raps. I learned a lot about black people from Yo! and also from listening to NWA and Eazy-E. I learned that "women" are actually "bitches" and "hos" and that it is a perfectly acceptable date to take your "bitch" to Burger King.

I also learned that black people were not big fans of the police. I didn't like the police very much either, but these guys REALLY didn't like the police. It was as if something had happened to them personally that made them hate the police so much that they wanted to shoot any police officer on sight. So I was way ahead of the curve when things like the Rodney King beating happened and O.J. was framed by Mark Fuhrman. I remember big discussions in our all-white classes about these events, and everyone else had all kinds of questions about what was going on. But not me. Dre had been rappin' about this for years. I knew what was up.

With this deep understanding of black people and culture, I went to a small private Jesuit university in the inland northwest. Surprisingly there weren't very many blacks there either. The experiences I did have with black people in my four years there were pleasant, but not memorable. Then I moved back to Montana, where there are seemingly even less black people.

Overall, my history with black people has been pretty positive. Or at least, not negative. None of them has ever tried to fight me, and I have had nice bordering on interesting conversations with black people while out at bars or concerts. Based on where I have lived, some people might accuse me of avoiding black people. But isn't it also just as possible that black people are avoiding me?

Generally, I like black people. Some of my favorite people in history are/were black. I have nothing against black people. I have nothing against black people so much, that I will probably vote for Obama. Then just try and call me a racist. "Oh, sorry, I voted for Obama. What? You didn't vote for McCain? Racist."