War is over, if you want it? More like war is over, if Bill O'Reilly says so. Last week, the jolly old elf at Fox News did just that when he declared victory over "secular-progressives" in his so-called "War on Christmas".It's about time. I can't tell you how tired I am of burning down "Holiday Trees" (and replacing them with Christmas trees), installing Nativity scenes in courthouses (and booby-trapping them with explosives so they can't be removed) and lobbing Molotov Jesuses into any store that won't let its employees say "Merry Christmas".
Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, I'm for Christmas too, but those things seem, I don't know, illegal." Technically, you might be right, but c'mon, this is WAR. And if there's one thing we've learned from our President, it's that in a time of war, "legal" is for cowards. Besides, this is America- and in America, Christmas IS the law. Jesus didn't command our Founding Fathers to create a Christian nation just for the hell of it. He chose America because this is where He's going to come back.
Christmas has always been an American holiday, after all. Jesus is White and Moses looked just like Charlton Heston. Sure, Jesus didn't appear here the first time, but it's understandable that 2,000 years ago God would pick a place like Israel to come down in human form to bitch at everyone for awhile. America was, after all, just a backwater full of pagan savages back then. English wasn't invented yet and we were a long ways off from inventing guns and bombs. Civilization, for the most part, was concentrated in the Middle East. But all that has changed now. America is just about the perfect place for Jesus to make His glorious return, and He has spent the last couple hundred years making sure of that. Yeah, we've had some bumps along the way, accidentally creating a "separation of church and state" and foolishly leaving "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance until about 50 years ago. But thanks to Jesus and people like Bill O'Reilly, all that is in the past and we are just about ready for the Second Coming. All that's left for us to do is conquer the Iraqis (Islam) and do something about that damn illegal immigration problem. Hopefully Jesus doesn't choose to return via Mexico without a good work visa.
Most importantly, Christmas in America is back in first chair where it belongs. No more playing second fiddle to people's so-called "religious freedom" and a few pagan's quirky laws. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if Jesus came back and decided take a little Christmas stroll around the country, seeing nothing but "Holiday Trees" and courthouse lawns devoid of Creches. Thank God and Bill O'Reilly that's not the case.
With the "secular-progressives" defeated, we are finally free to force people to think about Christmas whether they want to or not. Thanks to O'Reilly, when we say "Merry Christmas" we can really mean "Fuck you, pagan" and still act self-righteous about it. We can make our employees say "Merry Christmas" and fire them if they refuse. We can sexually harass our secretaries at the office holiday party and blame it on the "Christmas Spirit" (booze). With the pesky pagans out of the way we can, at long last, celebrate the birth of Christ the way it was meant to be celebrated- by letting pervy mall Santas grab-ass our kids while we take pictures, because that's what Jesus wants. Anything less would really piss Jesus off, and I can't think of anything scarier than a pissed-off Jesus- except for maybe one of those mall Santas.
Merry Christmas, Americans. The rest of you pagans have a good time in hell.
