NordSense Solutions: Anna Nicole Smith

Every so often problems come along that the rest of the world can't solve on its own. People fight, argue, go to court, etc., while the general public and the media go along for the ride. While such circuses can be fun and interesting to talk about at work, NordSense feels like they really are just a big waste of time and money. Also, I'd rather hear about real news, like Britney shaving her head. So it is in times like these that I feel an obligation to step in and stop the madness with "NordSense Solutions"- real world, common sense solutions to problems that seemingly have no obvious answers. In this installment, I tackle the question on everyone's mind that a Florida court apparently can't answer in less than four days: Where to bury Anna Nicole Smith?

The debate here is essentially between Smith's former alleged boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Smith's mother whom she hated. Stern believes Smith wanted to be buried in the Bahamas while Smith's mother believes Smith should be buried with her family in Texas, or maybe California or something. The Florida judge, rather than using some common sense and hiring a clairvoyant to commune with Smith's spirit and simply ask her what she wants, has scheduled a four day hearing that has quickly turned into an OJ-style freak show. Regardless of what he decides, no one is going to be happy and the lawsuits and allegations will continue ad infinitum.

This is where NordSense comes in with the only reasonable solution: Don't bury her at all. Judging by the media coverage since her death, it is obvious that Smith is worth just as much dead as she was alive, if not more. It won't matter if she can't talk or even move, she was barely conscious most of the time she was on TV anyway. It is time that TV executives think outside the box (literally, in this case), and Anna Nicole Smith is the perfect place to start.

It was obvious that she was destined for an episode of "The Surreal Life" sooner or later, so why not take things up a notch with "The Surreal Afterlife"? Think about it, Anna Nicole Smith's corpse hanging out "Weekend At Bernie's" style with 6 others at a posh house in Florida while VH1's cameras catch all the crazy hijinks. I'm thinking, in addition to Smith, throwing in Tupac, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson, Nicole Brown-Simpson, Michael Jackson and Barbaro. I know Michael Jackson isn't dead (kind of), but wouldn't it be great TV to see what he would do stuck for months in a house with 5 dead bodies and a horse carcass? Maybe not. But the "things we couldn't show you on TV" DVD would break sales records, guaranteed. Anyway, whichever station picks this up could do some tweaking. It's can't-miss.

They could set up challenges that would become legend, like "Who Can Ride Barbaro the Fastest?", "Who Floats in Water?" and "Who Can Last the Longest in a Night Club Before Someone Realizes He or She is Dead?" I'd put my money on Smith because, as previously mentioned, that's kind of how she looked anyway.

The possibilities are obviously endless, and it just makes sense that this would be the next step forward for reality TV. And so another vexing problem is solved by NordSense - you're welcome, world.

Groundhog's Day Miracle: Haggard Cured of Homosexuality

Denver, CO--

Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.

"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."

The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.

"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."

Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.

The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.

"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."

Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.

"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."

Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.

"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."