Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Residents of Darfur, MN Still Waiting for Relief

Darfur, MN-

A tiny island nestled amongst an ocean of corn fields in southern Minnesota, Darfur (pop. 137) doesn't get much national attention. But its residents are starting to grow as restless as late summer cornstalks waiting for the harvest. They are waiting for relief, and if it doesn't come soon, things could get ugly.

"We've been hearing about this 'Save Darfur' business for a couple years now," Town Alderman Chet Heffer said. "But we ain't seen nothin' come of it yet. The people is startin' to get worryin'. And when they get worryin', I get worryin'. And when I get worryin', someone gets a whoopin'."

Heffer and the other residents of Darfur weren't sure exactly why people around the world would spend time and energy trying to help their little town, but they weren't going to argue with them.

"I was just tickled that they would think of us," town historian Phyllis Sheehan said. "You know it's so rare we even make any of the papers. I just want to meet the kind people that started this whole thing and give them all a big hug."
None of the residents of Darfur recalls asking anyone for help. But now that rescuing their town has become a worldwide cause, they are thinking big.

"I didn't know much what it was all about," Clem McClellan said. "But I can always use a few extra hands around the farm, and my oldest kid never seemed to learn how to talk right, so I'm hoping someone can do something about that."

Down the road, the Murmans have a feral cat problem.

"I'd love to have someone come in and take care of all these dang cats," Earl Murman said. "Seems like I can't even cut the grass anymore without chewing up a couple kittens. My wife is always yelling 'Earl stop choppin' up kitties!' I don't know how much longer I can take it."

The Town Council is hoping some of the relief money will help them finally finish badly needed public works projects.

"The town tether-ball pole has been in need of repairin' for years," Heffer said. "It's been leanin' over like that as long as I can remember. Ain't no proper way to be playin' tether-ball. "

Doris Gadfly, the town librarian, is hoping the library will benefit from some of the assistance.

"We would love to get a new set of Encyclopedias," Gadfly said. "Of course, it's only been 30 years since we got this fine set of Funk & Wagnalls, and most of them haven't even been cracked into yet. So really we should look into getting some new computer games for the kids. I heard Oregon Trail II is out, and I would just love to get my hands on that!"

At the local soda fountain, Harlan Pepper is daring to dream as well.

"All we've ever had for 50 years is Pepsi and Diet Pepsi," Pepper said. "But I kept hearing about this new one they call 'Mello Yello'. I'm a little nervous to try it, but it sure sounds exciting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they can get us some of this stuff."

As with most places in need of international aid, the elderly are the ones who need it most. According to Beth Barton, director of the town's senior center, their bingo cards are "frayed, tattered, and torn" and "you can barely read the numbers on them."

"I really hope help comes soon," she added. "The elders are getting antsy, and when they get antsy, I get the bear spray."

So while politicians and activists argue over how best to deliver aid to this struggling town, the residents of Darfur wait.

"They better be on the way," Heffer said. "And they better have a damn good excuse as to why they ain't been here yet."

Blame God

For those of you wondering why Nordsense has not been reporting news for the last couple of months (and judging by my inbox, "those of you" means "nobody") don't blame me, blame Conservapedia. In March, I reported on the fantastic new phenomenon and stated that Nordsense would not report anything without running it by the good Conservapedia folks to see if it was in the Bible. They haven't been returning my e-mails. I can't figure out why.

In addition to my stand-off with Conservapedia, I have been traveling around the country with the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour, supporting one of my favorite causes- helping dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote (which is long-overdue, in my opinion). If you would like to help dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote, let me know and I will get you in touch with a "Dolphins and Chimps for Change Street Team Leader". More on this to come.

So, since Conservapedia is ducking me and the first leg of the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour is over, Nordsense can get back to the important work of bringing you important stories about important world affairs. I know you'll "all" be relieved.

Oh, and since I know "most" of "you" come to Nordsense for its comprehensive coverage of world events, I'll give you a brief recap of March and April: Florida, polar bears, Moscow, women, Hitler, the Pope, and China. You're welcome.