Mutant Man-Cows Sadly Still Not A Reality

I was disappointed to learn today that despite scientists' best efforts, the creation of mutant man-cows is still just a dream. Even worse, scientists say the intent of a recent human-cow embryo project isn't even to make mutant man-cows, but to cure disease. Thanks for nothing, science. I mean, if we are inserting human DNA into the egg cells of cows for any other purpose than to create mutant man-cows, then what's the point?

Sure, curing disease is great, and I'm all for that, but why stop there? If we can cure disease and create mutant man-cows in the process, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't. OK, I can see how a lot of people would think that mutant man-cows is something that could only happen in some futuristic fantasy world. But a lot of people also thought that we could never make it to the moon. What if we had listened to them? What if we had just said, "Oh yeah, the moon's WAY too far away- we probably shouldn't even try"? Then we'd be sitting here, having never been to the moon, still wondering what it's made out of and why it's making such an angry face at us all the time.

I, for one, don't want to be sitting here 50 years from now, sans mutant man-cows, wondering what might have been. And don't think this is just about mutant man-cows. If they can make mutant man-cows, you know they can make mutant man-just about anythings. Meagles (mutant man-eagles), Mea Lions (mutant man-sea lions), Malruses (mutant man-walruses), Menguins (mutant man-penguins), and Moxen (mutant man-oxen), are just a few I'd like to see off the top of my head. The possibilities are endless. But if we're not even going to try to make something as basic as a mutant man-cow, the chances of ever see something as glorious as a mutant man-hippo-zebra-fish are about as good as those of Eddie Murphy ever making a good movie again. But take Eddie Murphy's DNA and cross it with a sloth bear's and a gila monster's, see what comes out and put that in charge of a day-care, and you've got a box-office smash.

Unfortunately, some angry people who don't like fun and aren't happy unless they are complaining are whining that creating hybrid manimal freaks would be "unethical". But I think that fusing mankind's superior intellect with the animal kingdom's highly adapted physical features is just the next logical step for the evolution of humanity. Think about it- the vast resource of the multitude of species around us has gone largely untapped. So far we have really only tamed and bred animals to do our work, be food for us, or make us not feel as sad when we have been rejected by the rest of humanity because we are emotionally unstable (see: cats).

But a time will surely come when we will need to adopt much of the animal kingdom's unique abilities just to survive. Whether we need specialized digging abilities to burrow like mole-people away from a Nuclear wasteland, fish gills for breathing underwater after all the icecaps have melted, or antelope legs for running long distances after we run out of oil, it is in humans' best interests to start sooner than later. Sure, laugh now, but we won't be the ones laughing when a battalion of hyena-men from space comes to conquer us and we don't even have an army of flying squirrel-baboon-men ready to fight back. So if we eventually find ourselves slaves to a mutant race of hyena-people from space, don't blame me, blame the do-nothing scientists who wouldn't even make a simple man-cow when they had the chance.