Hoodie Two-Shoes: George Zimmerman and the Right to Self-defense Against Sweatshirts

In the trial of George Zimmerman, a fat, ignorant jackass may be in the Defendant’s chair, but he’s not the one who’s on trial. What’s really at stake? The future of the oft-maligned over-garment known as “the hoodie.” Zimmerman’s chief argument, of course, is that he was acting in self-defense when he gunned down Trayvon Martin in a Florida neighborhood. That defense, however, hinges on whether the jury believes what Zimmerman and most of America knows all too well: hoodies, and the people who wear them, are and always have been constant menaces to society.

To Zimmerman, Trayvon Martin’s hoodie signaled his peaceful neighborhood’s certain doom. This wasn’t the Mark Zuckerberg Harvard-educated genius-hoodie being sported - hood down - in a board meeting to signal a hip “outside-the-mainstream” twenty-something tech vibe. This was a hood-up, late-night gangster-style affront to Zimmerman’s and his neighbors’ entire well-being. Nevermind that it was raining and Martin’s hood provided him convenient cover from the downpour. If he didn’t want to come off as sinister, he should have bought an umbrella.

As everyone knows, hoodies aren’t for the rain, they are for destruction. Just look at the Dark Lord, Bill Belichick, the evil genius at the helm of the New England Patriots. His signature hoodie isn’t there to protect him from the infamous New England winter elements. It’s there to signal, loud and clear, that your team is screwed. Just look at his inspiration, Lord Vader himself, or any of the various Siths and Emporers of Star Wars fame. The hoodie, cloaking in darkness the faces of evil, meant one thing to the rebel Jedi- they were going to have to fight for their lives, just like George Zimmerman.

Finally, don’t forget the wearer of the most revered, and feared, hoodie of all:  Jesus of Nazareth. Here you have a guy running around the land claiming to be a King, curing and feeding people and spouting off dangerously radical ideas that threatened Rome’s very existence.  All the while, of course, donning the original Hoodie of Doom.

He, of course, had to be put to death. What other options did they have? Let this hooded hooligan rabble-rouse all over Jerusalem for eternity? No, the Romans had to protect their homeland by any means necessary, just like George Zimmerman. And hopefully, if the jury does the right thing, we’ll all breathe a little easier knowing that hoodies, and the ne'er-do-wells who don them, will be on the run.

i "Phone" 6 Debuts Sans Phone, Finally

In a long-awaited announcement, Apple, Inc. released details of its highly anticipated iPhone 6, revealing that it will finally do away with the “phone” and “voicemail” components, opting instead to focus on more practical applications like iMessage, text and “facetime”.  The move was almost universally applauded among consumers around the globe.

“Who actually calls anyone anymore?” said one iPhone user.  “If I’m getting a call at this point it’s either my grandma or a robot. And I really don’t have much to talk about with either of them.”  

“Great move,” said another. “Finally, I mean it’s about time. There’s nothing worse than getting that ring vibration that won’t stop. It’s like, ‘oh I’m getting a message.... wait, no, a call? Fuck. What now?!’”

Apple spokesman H.J. McJobs said the company recognized that the majority of consumers now consider phone calls to be an annoying relic of the past century.

“We realize that it's the 21st century and nobody wants their phone ringing,” McJobs said. “There’s literally nothing worse to the average person than having to drop whatever it is they’re doing immediately and talk with a friend or family member in real time. Now, they won’t even have to make up an excuse for missing those calls. We’ve done it for them.”

A quick sampling of random Internet forums found that people had nothing but positive reaction to the announcement.

“I never thought I would admit this but Apple finally got something right,” user DonkeyDick23 posted. “Now I don’t have to worry about people ruining perfectly good games of Angry Birds with ill-timed and rude phone calls.”

“Thank god,” user SlutBag19 posted. “Now I can finally go on a weekend  to Vegas with the guys without getting a million calls over and over from my wife about what I’m doing and who I’m with. I can just text her and go on with my lap-dance in peace.”

Those concerned about how to contact emergency responders were relieved to hear that Apple has surprisingly partnered with Google to revolutionize the 911 call. “Just hop on your Google Plus and join 911’s ongoing Google Hangout and explain your situation,” McJobs said. “Operators are constantly standing by to respond to your emergency.”

As a backup, iPhone 6 users can also tweet their emergency to “@911” and wait for assistance.

Pee Party

I was finally starting to come to terms with the reality that not only was Mitt Romney not elected President, but that no states were making serious efforts at seceding. Then, to add insult to injury, it was looking more and more like Obama was going to be able to serve out his entire second term without impeachment when, in a flash, the IRS, like manna from heaven, dropped Grace in the form of a bunch of incompetent bureaucrats “illegally” targeting Tea Party conservative groups’ tax exemption applications, apparently (fingers-crossed) at the behest of Obama’s re-election campaign. Huzzahs all around! I mean, I’m obviously outraged, both as a white male and a (totally not-racist) Tea Party Facebook fan. I was beginning to count these guys (and let’s be honest, they’re mostly guys) out, after their almost complete failure to maintain any semblance of relevance in the 2012 election cycle. But now we know why- the oppressive Obama administration sabotaged any hope for the Tea Party through its henchmen at the IRS! Makes the most sense, right? It couldn’t have been because of their quasi-racist, misogynist, McCarthian lunatic fringe candidates spouting off paranoid doomsday scenarios like a Greyhound bus station full of Glen Becks could it? NO way!

I was thrilled in 2010 when the so-called "Tea Party" burst on the scene and was confident this rag-tag collection of seemingly half-witted rabble-rousers would survive, and dominate, the political landscape. In the age of YouTube and instant media these are a refreshing bunch who harken back to a time when you could still tell jokes about executing gays and not have to apologize. I thought Janet Reno killed all the Branch Davidians in Waco back in '93... apparently a few slipped out the back. And then you have "Tea Party" rallies consisting of angry (mostly) middle-aged white Ron Paul voters who (likely) are owners of the entire Left Behind series because, well, you can never be too prepared for the Rapture. And I'm sure none of these people make up the 14% of Americans who believed Obama "might be the Antichrist." Like all good right-wing extremists, they're packing heat.

The Tea Party, at its core, claims to be about small government and lower taxes. And guns, lots of guns. But what they're mostly about is "Restoring Honor." What's honor? Flags and white people, mostly. Fiscal responsibility? These people do it right.  They are the kind of folks with balls big enough to claim the Government is going to suffocate their grandchildren in national debt while they spend their retirement money driving RV's across the country (on roads paid for and maintained by tax dollars), hopping from CVS to CVS filling their Medicare-subsidized prescriptions and cheering while people rant about paying too much taxes.

And now, at long last, they've finally "really" been persecuted. What gall, for the IRS to give extra scrutiny to a group that advocates for abolishing most, if not all of the Federal Government and is extremely "prepared" (read: ecstatic) for an armed revolution against the Obama administration. Come on Barack, these groups should be running amok just like the rest of them. Nobody's going be dumb enough to blow up a Federal building again, right?

Whether anyone from the IRS goes to jail, I'm just glad this controversy has revived these brave bunch of patriots from the seeming brink of irrelevance. I would have missed watching these crowds of perturbed retirees rage against the government on government-provided property with government-assisted hearing/heart rhythms/continence. I'm with them all the way, down with Government! Down with Medicare! If I can't afford Depends I'll just pee my pants like my freedom-fighting forefathers! Free to be me, free to pee! God bless the U.S.A.