Happy X-mas (War is Over?)

War is over, if you want it? More like war is over, if Bill O'Reilly says so. Last week, the jolly old elf at Fox News did just that when he declared victory over "secular-progressives" in his so-called "War on Christmas".

It's about time. I can't tell you how tired I am of burning down "Holiday Trees" (and replacing them with Christmas trees), installing Nativity scenes in courthouses (and booby-trapping them with explosives so they can't be removed) and lobbing Molotov Jesuses into any store that won't let its employees say "Merry Christmas".

Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, I'm for Christmas too, but those things seem, I don't know, illegal." Technically, you might be right, but c'mon, this is WAR. And if there's one thing we've learned from our President, it's that in a time of war, "legal" is for cowards. Besides, this is America- and in America, Christmas IS the law. Jesus didn't command our Founding Fathers to create a Christian nation just for the hell of it. He chose America because this is where He's going to come back.

Christmas has always been an American holiday, after all. Jesus is White and Moses looked just like Charlton Heston. Sure, Jesus didn't appear here the first time, but it's understandable that 2,000 years ago God would pick a place like Israel to come down in human form to bitch at everyone for awhile. America was, after all, just a backwater full of pagan savages back then. English wasn't invented yet and we were a long ways off from inventing guns and bombs. Civilization, for the most part, was concentrated in the Middle East. But all that has changed now. America is just about the perfect place for Jesus to make His glorious return, and He has spent the last couple hundred years making sure of that. Yeah, we've had some bumps along the way, accidentally creating a "separation of church and state" and foolishly leaving "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance until about 50 years ago. But thanks to Jesus and people like Bill O'Reilly, all that is in the past and we are just about ready for the Second Coming. All that's left for us to do is conquer the Iraqis (Islam) and do something about that damn illegal immigration problem. Hopefully Jesus doesn't choose to return via Mexico without a good work visa.

Most importantly, Christmas in America is back in first chair where it belongs. No more playing second fiddle to people's so-called "religious freedom" and a few pagan's quirky laws. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if Jesus came back and decided take a little Christmas stroll around the country, seeing nothing but "Holiday Trees" and courthouse lawns devoid of Creches. Thank God and Bill O'Reilly that's not the case.

With the "secular-progressives" defeated, we are finally free to force people to think about Christmas whether they want to or not. Thanks to O'Reilly, when we say "Merry Christmas" we can really mean "Fuck you, pagan" and still act self-righteous about it. We can make our employees say "Merry Christmas" and fire them if they refuse. We can sexually harass our secretaries at the office holiday party and blame it on the "Christmas Spirit" (booze). With the pesky pagans out of the way we can, at long last, celebrate the birth of Christ the way it was meant to be celebrated- by letting pervy mall Santas grab-ass our kids while we take pictures, because that's what Jesus wants. Anything less would really piss Jesus off, and I can't think of anything scarier than a pissed-off Jesus- except for maybe one of those mall Santas.

Merry Christmas, Americans. The rest of you pagans have a good time in hell.

Someone Owes Me Money!

Last month NordSense featured an exclusive report that bears and other animals were rallying against a human surge aimed at suppressing their deadly insurgency. The report was based on months of research, much of it done in hostile animal territory and at great risk to this reporter. So imagine my surprise yesterday when I saw virtually the exact same story, purportedly by a Matthew Brown of the Associated Press.

Someone owes me money! Oh sure, Matthew Brown- go ahead, steal more of my stories, if it will make you feel like a "real" reporter. No need to thank me. The exposure this web site will undoubtedly get when you are fired from the AP for plagiarizing my work will be thanks enough.

You're welcome.

Vote for Giuliani, Vote for 9/11!

Now that Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President, NordSense can officially do the same. However, unlike Robertson we're not endorsing him because we believe he'll bring about the second coming of Christ- we're hoping for a different kind of second coming altogether, one that will be better for America in the long run. That's right, we're hoping for another 9/11, and we believe Giuliani is the only candidate capable of making it happen.

The "events" of 9/11, as the liberal media likes to call them, were actually terrorist attacks, and pretty much the only terrorist attacks ever perpetrated on U.S. soil, unless you count some obscure rioting once a long time ago, or when the Indians tried to invade and steal all kinds of land out West. And as Giuliani likes to constantly remind us, he was the mayor of New York City that day. No one else. Not Hillary, not Obama, not McCain. So in terms of allowing your city to be horrifically attacked by terrorists, Giuliani is far and away the best.

In terms of allowing your country to be attacked by terrorists, Bush is obviously the best, but unfortunately he's limited to only two terms, so we have to pick a replacement. We say Giuliani is the next-best thing. It's been over 6 years since 9/11, and the good times are really starting to fade. We think Giuliani can bring them back.

Remember the good days, the few months following 9/11 when everybody got together, put their differences aside, and got behind our President? Remember when, immediately after the attacks, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Patriot Act without even reading it, told us that it would make everything better, and no one questioned it even though it constituted probably the most severe attack on our civil liberties in history? Remember when we didn't care what the government was doing as long as it made the bad men go away? Remember when we didn't have to watch NFL football for a week? Those were truly the 21st century's halcyon days.

But alas, those days are gone. People are tired of hearing about 9/11, and tired of their civil liberties being "infringed" by things like the Patriot Act and NSA wiretapping. People no longer understand why people need to be held indefinitely without charges in places like Gitmo. People have forgotten why we need to "not" send suspected terrorists to other countries so that they can "not" be tortured (wink wink). Criticism of our President is at an all-time high and people are tired of hearing about the supposed "war on terror." People are starting to worry about trite domestic problems like education, poverty and the environment. What we need now, more than ever, is a good 9/11 redux.

Now, we realize it might not be "PC" to hope for another terrorist attack on the United States, but like Dr. Phil says, it's time to get real. Often times it takes the mildly intoxicated guy in the corner to cut through all the crap and just say what everyone is already thinking. NordSense humbly volunteers to be that guy.

Sure, all the candidates these days are trying to sell the American people on a "no more terrorist attacks" platform, but that is just because it makes people feel better. What they're really thinking, deep down is, "Damn I hope I'm lucky enough to have a good terrorist attack in the first year of my presidency." Because, as everyone knows, a good terrorist attack is a one-way ticket to record-high approval ratings, carte blanche to run the country how ever you want for at least three years before anyone bothers to question you, and, if you play your cards right, an easy breeze to a second term.

And we think that's just great. In a time of war, you can't waste time worrying about whether the President is doing a good job, or violating the law or people's rights. You have to go shopping and not think about a damn thing. It seems like when we're not under the constant threat of being blown up by fanatics, we start to obsess with things like "is this legal?" or "is that a human rights violation?" And that just wastes valuable time that we could use to go to the mall and Britney Spears concerts. And that is just not right.

So if you yearn for the good ol' days of post-9/11 bliss like we do, vote Giuliani, vote 9/11! You can thank us later.

Human Surge Fails to Quel Animal Insurgency

Gardiner, Mont.--

A dramatic increase in human-animal violence in the Northern Rockies in recent months is thought to be the result of a recent "surge" of armed humans meant to combat a rising animal insurgency.

Tuesday's mauling of a hunter outside of Gardner, Mont. was the fourth such attack in the area in less than two months. In the Yellowstone Ecosystem alone there have been seven incidents this year in which humans have been injured by bears.

The recent uptick in bear-fueled violence is thought to be the result of a concerted effort by humans to shut down an increasingly bloody animal insurgency that has been steadily gaining traction in the area's national parks and wilderness areas. Humans have long faced fierce resistance from animals to the occupation of their territories in and around wild lands, but the animal opposition has begun to show signs of a sophisticated insurgency.

While the animals in years past have relied on their fiercest predators - such as bears, wolves, and mountain lions - to carry out the bulk of attacks on human populations, they have now begun to train other, less conspicuous species like deer and moose to inflict damage as well.

Last summer in Grand Teton National Park, for example, a female adult moose kicked a 16-year-old South Korean boy in the head after the boy attempted to run away from the moose and its two calves. Within days of the moose incident, wildlife officials shot and killed a mule deer in Helena, Mont. after it attacked a woman in her yard. According to the story:

The number of complaints about aggressive deer in Helena has risen steadily
over the past two years, the FWP has said. The agency recently estimated that
the city's urban deer population has grown to between 300 and 400.

Last October, wardens killed four deer that were harassing a Helena
teenager on his newspaper route.

Experts agree that reports of gangs of deer interfering with paper routes signaled a new, frightening direction in the ongoing conflict between humans and animals. They were organized.

Both the timing and nature of the June, 2006 deer and moose attacks appeared to indicate they were in response to the May, 2006 human caused deaths of one male grizzly and two grizzly cubs in seperate incidents in and around Glacier National Park. Both the killing of two grizzly cubs by a human-run train and the death of a male grizzly during a human-run population study were ruled accidental, but animal insurgents considered both incidents to be deliberate attacks on their population.

As violent encounters between animals and humans rose throughout the next year, humans decided to take drastic action. Thus began the "surge" this Fall led by mostly male combatants armed with rifles, bows and arrows.

Dressed in camouflage and using advanced stealth techniques, the combatants hoped to stalk and kill some of the insurgency's most notorious beasts, including bears, moose, elk, deer and mountain lions. The animals, though, had other ideas.

In one of the first attacks as the surge began, a Yellowstone National Park employee hunting insurgents near Gardiner was mauled by a grizzly that he said appeared to "come out of nowhere." The employee sustained injuries to his back, stomach, legs and arms but luckily survived. Just days later, a grizzly insurgent struck again, this time pulling a human combatant out of a tree, injuring him.

It became clear that the animals were prepared for the humans, had the upper hand in their home turf, and wanted to send a message early. That message: stay the hell out of our woods. But despite increasing calls to end the surge and cut our losses, human leadership vowed to continue the effort for "as long as it would take to end the animals' threat to our way of life." The results have thus far proved disastrous. At least three other humans would be mauled by grizzlies in Montana forests, with hibernation still many painful weeks away. In the lone victory so far for humans, combatants shot and killed a female grizzly on October 6 as it attacked from deep cover. No surprise to anyone, the confrontation occurred while the men were hunting insurgents in the deadly "Grizzly Triangle" north of Gardiner.

Human leaders have pledged to wait to assess the surge's viability until the "mission is complete" and "all the data is in."

"We really need to wait until winter sets in and the insurgency's fiercest beasts, bears, are quietly hibernating," President of Humans Against Insolent Rebel Species (HAIRS), Barry McMoose said. "Then we can truly make an accounting of what went right, what went wrong, and what we need to do better next time. Trust, me, we'll get this thing licked."

For now, humans in the Rockies can only hope he's right.

Solitaire Tester Caught Making Spreadsheets at Work

Redmond, WA--

A Microsoft Corporation employee was disciplined Friday for making spreadsheets on company time. The man, Bronson VanVleet, 25, worked in Microsoft's Solitaire Game Testing Division where his duties consisted of testing various demos and applications for Microsoft's most popular Windows-based one-player game. His employment was immediately terminated.

Theodore Zune, a spokesman for Microsoft, stated the company had a "zero-tolerance" policy for violations such as VanVleet's.

"When people come to work at Microsoft, they are not paid to work on spreadsheets and write memos," Zune said. "They are paid to play games. Period."

In a prepared statement, VanVleet said that he was "profoundly sorry" for what occurred, but that "playing Solitaire all day can be a real drag sometimes."

"I can really only play for a couple hours at a time before I need to take a break," VanVleet went on to say. "It's a sweatshop. It's madness."

Microsoft management began to suspect VanVleet was violating company policy last week when a manager approached VanVleet's cubicle to give him a memo. VanVleet was not at his desk, and the manager left the memo on his chair but noticed several spreadsheets windows open on VanVleets computer.

"I saw six or seven spreadsheets open," the manager, Quinton Baxter said. "And they were definitely not work-related. Had nothing to do with Solitaire at all."

Baxter then ordered a review of VanVleet's computer use and discovered that over half of his work time was being devoted to making spreadsheets.

When confronted, VanVleet admitted to working on the spreadsheets, but argued that he was using them to help the company.

"Sure, I was doing some personal stuff with them. But I was also working on some things related to Microsoft," VanVleet said. "I took some accounting in college. I had a strategy- I was really going to save this company some money. I guess I'll have to take my ideas elsewhere, like Apple, for example. Suck on that, Gates."

Baxter stated that the company reviewed VanVleet's spreadsheets and found "very little, if anything that could be of use."

Wyoming Congresswoman Possessed by the Devil

Washington, D.C.--

U.S. Rep. Barbara Cubin, R-Wyo., is the first known member of the U.S. government to fall victim to demonic possession. Cubin, seen in the attached photo reacting to a crucifix during an attempted exorcism, is Wyoming's lone representative in the U.S. Congress.

An animated politician known for irrational outbursts, Cubin had nonetheless not shown signs of demonic possession until just recently, sources close to her said. According to witness reports, upon learning of a National Park Service plan to close the East Entrance to Yellowstone National Park during the winter, Cubin's eyes turned red and she began to spew flaming vomit from her nose and mouth. She then sprouted green, scaly wings and three-inch claws on her fingers and toes.

Onlookers immediately contacted police, who, with the help of firefighters kept the mutated Cubin at bay with a steady stream of fire-hose water and repeated taser charges. Several Catholic priests then arrived at the scene and beat Cubin into submission with a combination of crucifixes, holy water and prayers. The demons, however, were not exorcised, according to Father H.J. McNutter III.

"Unfortunately, despite our efforts, she is still struggling to regain control of her soul," McNutter III said. "We are going to take the night to regroup and regain our strength, and tomorrow we'll be back at it again. Hopefully it will go better than it did today."

Three priests were injured in the attempted exorcism and one remains hospitalized, the Vatican confirmed. Cubin is reportedly being held in restraints in the basement of an undisclosed Catholic church in Washington D.C.

Asked to comment via telephone, Cubin only bellowed "We are Legion!" followed by a string of expletives.

A spokesman for Cubin would not confirm the possession but stated, "Congresswoman Cubin is battling a very serious personal health issue and is extremely appreciative of the support she has received from friends and family and people around the country."

NordSense Humanitarian of the Year: Margaret Trask

Normally I wait until the end of the year to select my Humanitarian of the Year, but when I read about the recent heroism demonstrated by Margaret Trask of Beaufort, South Carolina, I decided I couldn't waste any more time. Congratulations Ms. Trask, you are NordSense's Humanitarian of the Year.

In March, Trask bravely purchased over $1,000 worth of cat food from a local WalMart to save Beaufort's cats from potential poisoning. Trask had already made two trips to the store and was returning for a third when managers asked her to leave.

Prompted by reports of a recall of more than 60 million cans of possibly tainted dog and cat food, Trask decided to take matters into her own hands. Realizing that most cat owners are too stupid to figure out not to buy food that might kill their pets, Trask cleared the shelves of as much of the recalled cat food she could, then went back for more. Like all brave practitioners of civil disobedience before her, Trask was quickly shut down by the long arm of the law.

Nevertheless, Trask's efforts are being praised by cat-lovers everywhere, as well as elderly and homeless people who also rely heavily on the recalled brands of pet food Trask disposed of.

"I can't thank her enough," Mable Hoofenbeck, 83, said. "I can't imagine what would have happened if I would have eaten some of that poisoned food. And it probably was only a matter of time because that brand is exactly what I eat every night for supper. That woman saved my life."

WalMart managers confirmed the brand's popularity among elderly shoppers.

"Oh they just love that stuff," store manager Brian Meade said. "I mean their cats. Their cats just love that stuff. Yeah."

I addition to the elderly, Trask received praise from homeless people throughout the area. Among them is Ed Jeffries, a recent fixture around Beaufort and frequent cat food connoisseur.

"Yeah I eat that sh*t all the time," Jeffries said. "They always pile a bunch of it out behind the Kitty Kennel. I guess it's whatever the cats won't eat. It keeps pretty good, except for summer. I find it goes best with a man can of steel reserve."

"I wasn't too worried about [the recall]," Jeffries said. "I think I've built up a pretty good tolerence for most things in my time out on the street. But I'd still like to thank that woman for looking out for me. Not only did she prevent me from getting a potentially fatal disease, she prevented me from eating for a week. God bless you, Margaret Trask."

God bless her, indeed. Congratulations Ms. Trask. You deserve it.

Residents of Darfur, MN Still Waiting for Relief

Darfur, MN-

A tiny island nestled amongst an ocean of corn fields in southern Minnesota, Darfur (pop. 137) doesn't get much national attention. But its residents are starting to grow as restless as late summer cornstalks waiting for the harvest. They are waiting for relief, and if it doesn't come soon, things could get ugly.

"We've been hearing about this 'Save Darfur' business for a couple years now," Town Alderman Chet Heffer said. "But we ain't seen nothin' come of it yet. The people is startin' to get worryin'. And when they get worryin', I get worryin'. And when I get worryin', someone gets a whoopin'."

Heffer and the other residents of Darfur weren't sure exactly why people around the world would spend time and energy trying to help their little town, but they weren't going to argue with them.

"I was just tickled that they would think of us," town historian Phyllis Sheehan said. "You know it's so rare we even make any of the papers. I just want to meet the kind people that started this whole thing and give them all a big hug."

None of the residents of Darfur recalls asking anyone for help. But now that rescuing their town has become a worldwide cause, they are thinking big.

"I didn't know much what it was all about," Clem McClellan said. "But I can always use a few extra hands around the farm, and my oldest kid never seemed to learn how to talk right, so I'm hoping someone can do something about that."

Down the road, the Murmans have a feral cat problem.

"I'd love to have someone come in and take care of all these dang cats," Earl Murman said. "Seems like I can't even cut the grass anymore without chewing up a couple kittens. My wife is always yelling 'Earl stop choppin' up kitties!' I don't know how much longer I can take it."

The Town Council is hoping some of the relief money will help them finally finish badly needed public works projects.

"The town tether-ball pole has been in need of repairin' for years," Heffer said. "It's been leanin' over like that as long as I can remember. Ain't no proper way to be playin' tether-ball. "

Doris Gadfly, the town librarian, is hoping the library will benefit from some of the assistance.

"We would love to get a new set of Encyclopedias," Gadfly said. "Of course, it's only been 30 years since we got this fine set of Funk & Wagnalls, and most of them haven't even been cracked into yet. So really we should look into getting some new computer games for the kids. I heard Oregon Trail II is out, and I would just love to get my hands on that!"

At the local soda fountain, Harlan Pepper is daring to dream as well.

"All we've ever had for 50 years is Pepsi and Diet Pepsi," Pepper said. "But I kept hearing about this new one they call 'Mello Yello'. I'm a little nervous to try it, but it sure sounds exciting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they can get us some of this stuff."

As with most places in need of international aid, the elderly are the ones who need it most. According to Beth Barton, director of the town's senior center, their bingo cards are "frayed, tattered, and torn" and "you can barely read the numbers on them."

"I really hope help comes soon," she added. "The elders are getting antsy, and when they get antsy, I get the bear spray."

So while politicians and activists argue over how best to deliver aid to this struggling town, the residents of Darfur wait.

"They better be on the way," Heffer said. "And they better have a damn good excuse as to why they ain't been here yet."

Blame God

For those of you wondering why Nordsense has not been reporting news for the last couple of months (and judging by my inbox, "those of you" means "nobody") don't blame me, blame Conservapedia. In March, I reported on the fantastic new phenomenon and stated that Nordsense would not report anything without running it by the good Conservapedia folks to see if it was in the Bible. They haven't been returning my e-mails. I can't figure out why.

In addition to my stand-off with Conservapedia, I have been traveling around the country with the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour, supporting one of my favorite causes- helping dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote (which is long-overdue, in my opinion). If you would like to help dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote, let me know and I will get you in touch with a "Dolphins and Chimps for Change Street Team Leader". More on this to come.

So, since Conservapedia is ducking me and the first leg of the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour is over, Nordsense can get back to the important work of bringing you important stories about important world affairs. I know you'll "all" be relieved.

Oh, and since I know "most" of "you" come to Nordsense for its comprehensive coverage of world events, I'll give you a brief recap of March and April: Florida, polar bears, Moscow, women, Hitler, the Pope, and China. You're welcome.

Conservapedia- Finally!

If you're as tired as I am of being constantly bombarded by liberal bias everytime you turn on a computer, a TV, or open a newspaper, you'll probably be just as excited as I am about the new conservative answer to the liberal lie-machine: Welcome to Conservapedia! The self-described "much-needed" alternative to Wikipedia, Conservapedia claims to "favor Christianity and America" in contrast to Wikipedia which, according to Conservapedia, "is increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American."

Any group that can expose an encyclopedia created and maintained by users made up of the general public for an anti-Christian and anti-American agenda gets points in my book. Right off the bat, you know they are not the kind of folks into conspiracy theories and armageddon-style doomsday scenarios. Also, Conservapedia states it is a project started by home-schooled kids in New Jersey, so you know you're getting nothing but rock-solid research. Sure, they might believe in unicorns, but weren't you really hoping unicorns were real anyway? I know I was.

The point is, I am a fan of anyone who is going to stand up and tell it like it is. Like the following entry about Fox News:

Fox News was started in 1996 in response to the other cable news channels which all had obvious liberal biases. Because of this, Rupert Murdoch decided to start a real new channel which would tell the truth. The success of Fox news over every other news channel is because it is fair and balanced. [1] It has many people on it who work to spread truth such as Sean Hannity who is a great American. [2]. Fox News is best because instead of just telling you what to think, they only report the news unbiased and then allow the viewer to decide. [3].
In 2005 the White House selected Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new White House press secretary which was a great honor for Fox because it showed how well it was presenting the real truth instead of the fake liberal version. [4]

Now that is some journalistic integrity right there. Too many people unfairly pile on Fox News and its journalists for being biased hacks who are nothing but mouthpieces for the Christian right and/or the Bush Administration. Kudos to you, Conservapedia, for your brave characterization of the Fox News network.

But the objectivity doesn't stop there. The Hate Crimes Bill entry concludes with the following statement:

This bill is a blatant attempt to normalize the homosexual lifestyle.

Once again, the cowards in the liberal media would never print such a bold statement of fact. Apparently the truth just hurts a little too much for the delicate psyches of fragile liberals.

Conservapedia's mission appears to become the hardest-hitting, most in-depth reporter of historical fact the world has ever seen. A prime example of their attention to detail is this entry on the Taliban:

The Taliban was a Sunni Islamic fundamentalist movement which effectively ruled most of Afghanistan from 1996 until 2001, when United States forces invaded Afganistan and overthrew them.
The reason for invasion was that the Taliban had ties to al-Qaida (a militant Sunni Islamist organization), the group that is held responsible for the attacks on America, September 11th, 2001.
The Taliban's rule has been characterized by the fact that women could not be educated, and that the leaders were fanatically intolerant of other religions.
In addition, the Taliban had banned all forms of television, imagery, music and sports, which resulted in Afganistan being suspended from the year 2000 Olympics. [Empasis added]

I know I was relieved to find out that the Taliban was successfully overthrown and is not still in existence. I bet Dick Cheney will be happy to find out it must have been someone else who almost bombed him to death Tuesday in Afghanistan.

But not only is Conservapedia a great source of information, it also is a guide to life. Wondering what book to read, or not read, or tell your children they cannot read or they are grounded? Run it by Conservapedia. In its entry on The Da Vinci Code, Conservapedia refuses to participate in Dan Brown's and the liberal media's anti-Christian crusade:

Dan Brown is responsible for feeding millions of readers a pack of lies cleverly wrapped up as a historically accurate novel . . . millions have been presented with a tangled, inaccurate and dishonest representation of history, of Christianity and of Jesus Christ . . . If nothing else, The Da Vinci Code teaches a lesson on how susceptible people are to believing an attractively-packaged lie, and how vitally important it is that the truth is broadcasted earnestly by those who know it.

Amen. Thanks again, Conservapedia, for warning me that Dan Brown's book is completely fictitious. Maybe one day, if we fight hard enough, we can get that book out of the non-fiction section. . .

So from now on, NordSense pledges not to report anything until it's confirmed by the good people at Conservapedia, because I can't think of any better way to make sure something is true than asking a bunch of random people to find out if it's in the Bible.

NordSense Solutions: Anna Nicole Smith

Every so often problems come along that the rest of the world can't solve on its own. People fight, argue, go to court, etc., while the general public and the media go along for the ride. While such circuses can be fun and interesting to talk about at work, NordSense feels like they really are just a big waste of time and money. Also, I'd rather hear about real news, like Britney shaving her head. So it is in times like these that I feel an obligation to step in and stop the madness with "NordSense Solutions"- real world, common sense solutions to problems that seemingly have no obvious answers. In this installment, I tackle the question on everyone's mind that a Florida court apparently can't answer in less than four days: Where to bury Anna Nicole Smith?

The debate here is essentially between Smith's former alleged boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Smith's mother whom she hated. Stern believes Smith wanted to be buried in the Bahamas while Smith's mother believes Smith should be buried with her family in Texas, or maybe California or something. The Florida judge, rather than using some common sense and hiring a clairvoyant to commune with Smith's spirit and simply ask her what she wants, has scheduled a four day hearing that has quickly turned into an OJ-style freak show. Regardless of what he decides, no one is going to be happy and the lawsuits and allegations will continue ad infinitum.

This is where NordSense comes in with the only reasonable solution: Don't bury her at all. Judging by the media coverage since her death, it is obvious that Smith is worth just as much dead as she was alive, if not more. It won't matter if she can't talk or even move, she was barely conscious most of the time she was on TV anyway. It is time that TV executives think outside the box (literally, in this case), and Anna Nicole Smith is the perfect place to start.

It was obvious that she was destined for an episode of "The Surreal Life" sooner or later, so why not take things up a notch with "The Surreal Afterlife"? Think about it, Anna Nicole Smith's corpse hanging out "Weekend At Bernie's" style with 6 others at a posh house in Florida while VH1's cameras catch all the crazy hijinks. I'm thinking, in addition to Smith, throwing in Tupac, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson, Nicole Brown-Simpson, Michael Jackson and Barbaro. I know Michael Jackson isn't dead (kind of), but wouldn't it be great TV to see what he would do stuck for months in a house with 5 dead bodies and a horse carcass? Maybe not. But the "things we couldn't show you on TV" DVD would break sales records, guaranteed. Anyway, whichever station picks this up could do some tweaking. It's can't-miss.

They could set up challenges that would become legend, like "Who Can Ride Barbaro the Fastest?", "Who Floats in Water?" and "Who Can Last the Longest in a Night Club Before Someone Realizes He or She is Dead?" I'd put my money on Smith because, as previously mentioned, that's kind of how she looked anyway.

The possibilities are obviously endless, and it just makes sense that this would be the next step forward for reality TV. And so another vexing problem is solved by NordSense - you're welcome, world.

Groundhog's Day Miracle: Haggard Cured of Homosexuality

Denver, CO--

Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.

"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."

The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.

"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."

Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.

The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.

"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."

Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.

"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."

Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.

"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."

UPS 'Whiteboard' Ads Just Keep Getting Better

People said it couldn't be done, but UPS' new Whiteboard ad campaign continues to top itself. The hip, fresh series of ads featuring the professorial but daddish casually-dressed lecturer gets better with each successive spot. Not pretentious or condescending at all, the "I'll act like I'm your best buddy but really I'm just trying to steal your girlfriend" star of the series comes off as just a helpful guy answering all the questions about package delivery you never really had and would never have even cared about before. Plus he's got a nifty whiteboard and is a wizard with a dry-erase marker. It seems that UPS has stumbled upon the perfect combination.

After I saw the first ad I thought to myself, "Well they really blew it- there's no way they can top this. They are totally screwed." This was the "China to U.S." spot where he turns a truck into an airplane. It was brilliant. But then they hit us with the "Customer Service" ad in which an inanimate package relentlessly e-mails a floating head named Sally until she smiles. I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no way it could get better than this. But then they upped the ante with "Distribution". In this magnificent display of sorcery, the whiteboard magician actually turns your warehouse into a truck and sends it on a distribution-fest to a dazzling array of store shelves. To top it all off, at the end he says "Hey, where'd your warehouse go?" like a mother hiding a toy from her infant child. Fantastic!

Again, I didn't think it could go anywhere but down from here. Again, I was wrong. In "Early Morning Delivery" this shaman of shipping literally turns back time in a superhuman display of other-worldly power. And if that isn't enough, he creates birds out of thin air like it's something he can just do whenever he feels like it. The next ad, "International Shipping", seems to imply that if you send something to a different country with UPS you automatically learn how to speak that country's official language. Now not only is this guy Superman, but he has taken on the qualities of the Holy Spirit, bestowing the gift of tongues upon all who believe in Brown. Next in the series is "One Driver", where the superhuman God of packaging is now creating UPS drivers in his own image and predicting the weather. This ad also, for the first time, reveals in its latent symbology that UPS is a major player in the "One World Government" conspiracy long feared by Christian Fundamentalists.

The next ad, "Reliability", is frightening, yet awesome as it is revealed that UPS package labels can operate as seer-stones for those powerful enough to practice the ancient art of scrying. Our favorite warlock, as expected, is well-practiced in this black art. UPS then drops the ball with "Visibility" and creates an ad that is pretty much worthless. They really should have started with this one and worked up to the others. "Your Small Business" is the grand finale. In this gem of a commercial the conjurer gleefully informs you that he is buying your company, laying off 3/4 of your employess and instituting a dress code. "It's not your small business," he cackles at the end. "It's your small business with UPS."

Amazing. Hopefully the genius-machine over at UPS keeps cranking these out because I cannot get enough of them! I want to learn more from this man. I want him to be my teacher. No, I want him to be my personal life coach. No, I want him to be my dad! Can you imagine getting the "birds and the bees" talk from this guy and his wondrous whiteboard? "It's not sex with a girl. It's sex with a girl and with everyone else she's ever slept with. Let's give you some protection here." How lucky his children must feel.

Undaunted Courage: One Man's Search for Jesus

Omaha, NE--

Bobby McPhee isn't on a mission from God- he's just on a mission. For three weeks now the Nebraska sporting goods store clerk has tirelessly pounded the pavement of his quiet town in search of Jesus, so far without success.

McPhee began his quest while stopping at a downtown convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line he noticed a small flier in a phone booth which simply said "Find Jesus: Eternal Reward" and had a black-and-white sketch of "a scruffy lookin' dude with a nice beard and a mullet," McPhee said. "I figured this guy might be somebody worth finding."

Since then McPhee has put up his own fliers all around town, put ads in the paper, spread the word to friends and family, and has even resorted to going door-to-door.

"Apparently there's a reward, or it's some kind of contest," McPhee said. "And I'll be damned if I'm not going to win this thing."

But getting help from friends and neighbors has proven to be a difficult task.

"It's like nobody wants to talk about it or something," McPhee said. "I don't get it. I think they're trying to win the contest too and that's why no one wants to help out."

When McPhee goes door-to-door he typically introduces himself, presents his flyer and asks the person who answered the door if he or she "knows Jesus". McPhee has been sworn at, called names, yelled at, laughed at, had doors slammed in his face, and has been physically accosted.

"I'm starting to wonder about this Jesus guy," McPhee said. "It seems like he really ticked a lot of people off."

McPhee continues to dedicate himself to searching despite the negative reactions.

"For every one of them who throws things at me or screams profanities, there is someone out there really trying to help," McPhee said.

McPhee has received over 50 Bibles and directions to more than 20 different churches from those he has met along his way. Yet for all the assistance he feels no closer to his goal than when he started.

"Yeah, these books are no help to me, unless they are a secret code, but I'm pretty sure they're not," McPhee said. "I've staked out the churches too, and no one has come in yet that looks anything like the guy. Sometimes I think those people were just messing with me."

Undaunted, Mcphee has resolved to dedicate his life to this search, if that's what it takes.

"The naysayers can naysay all day long for all I care," McPhee said. "But when I win the contest and get the reward, I'll be the one laughing in their faces. You'll see!"

UPDATE: McPhee has since been fired from his job and now searches for Jesus full-time. He is supported by donations set up through his website on Myspace.com.

The Da Hussein Code

Clues to Secret Location of WMD's Discovered in Saddam's Will

Baghdad, Iraq--

A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.

The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.

The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.

"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."

Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."

Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".

The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".

"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."

Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.

"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."

Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.

"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.

"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"