Christian the Lion

The other day someone at work sent this out to the entire office:



Now, ignoring the immediately obvious latent bestial overtones for a moment, something else about this video disturbed me. No, it wasn't the fact that two goofy longhairs apparently need to hand-raise a lion, release it to the wild and have it "remember" them years later to validate their existence, although now that I think about it that is mildly upsetting. No, it's the sentiment at the end that made me say "Whaaa?"

"Love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. Get back in touch with someone today."

Really? I should get in touch with someone (who I probably have a very good reason for NOT keeping in touch with) just because some hipster doofuses think a lion is their best friend since after being away for a few years it recognized them as the source of every meal it ever ate from the time it was born until it was fully grown? I just had to check again to be sure, and yes, the posters of the video are actually suggesting people should get in touch with someone they have neglected apparently because this lion, for some reason, decided not to rip the faces off these people. I can imagine just how such a scenario would go down, and contrary to the video's suggestion, it won't be pretty:

Son: Hi Dad.

Dad: Son? Is that really you?

Son: Yes Dad, it's me. I know it's been awhile. Well, awhile is 30 years. And I know I told you to fuck off, and never speak to me again. And I know I said I wished I was adopted. And I know I said I wished you wouldn't have survived the car accident. But you know, I've been thinking, and I think I want to get back in touch with you.

Dad: Really? Wow, I mean, this is really shocking. I gave you up for dead, basically. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I started drinking again, actually. But this is what I've been praying for and dreaming about, to have you in my life again. I'm willing to start over if you are. You want to get together for coffee or something, just to start out?

Son: Sure, Dad. I'd really like that.

Dad: Great, terrific! So what happened, what made you pick up the phone all of a sudden, after all these years and after everything that happened?

Son: Well, it was a video someone at work sent me on youtube, actually. You see, these guys found a baby lion and didn't want to let it die so they fed it until it was full grown. They were the best of friends. But it was too big to keep in town then. So they actually released it into the wild, in Africa. It was hard to say goodbye to the lion. But they knew it was for the best. Then they started to miss the lion. After all, they were the best of friends. Oh, and they named it Christian. So they missed the lion, because they were the best of friends, and after a number of years they went back to Africa to find it. People said they were crazy, that Christian would rip their faces off. But they didn't believe them. They were best of friends with Christian, the lion. And it turns out, when they went back, the lion recognized them immediately and came charging down the hill - not to tear their faces off, but to leap into their arms and give them a big hug. So after watching that I thought, 'You know, love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. I should get in touch with someone today.' So I picked up the phone.

Dad: Fuck you. [click].