People said it couldn't be done, but UPS' new Whiteboard ad campaign continues to top itself. The hip, fresh series of ads featuring the professorial but daddish casually-dressed lecturer gets better with each successive spot. Not pretentious or condescending at all, the "I'll act like I'm your best buddy but really I'm just trying to steal your girlfriend" star of the series comes off as just a helpful guy answering all the questions about package delivery you never really had and would never have even cared about before. Plus he's got a nifty whiteboard and is a wizard with a dry-erase marker. It seems that UPS has stumbled upon the perfect combination.
After I saw the first ad I thought to myself, "Well they really blew it- there's no way they can top this. They are totally screwed." This was the "China to U.S." spot where he turns a truck into an airplane. It was brilliant. But then they hit us with the "Customer Service" ad in which an inanimate package relentlessly e-mails a floating head named Sally until she smiles. I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no way it could get better than this. But then they upped the ante with "Distribution". In this magnificent display of sorcery, the whiteboard magician actually turns your warehouse into a truck and sends it on a distribution-fest to a dazzling array of store shelves. To top it all off, at the end he says "Hey, where'd your warehouse go?" like a mother hiding a toy from her infant child. Fantastic!
Again, I didn't think it could go anywhere but down from here. Again, I was wrong. In "Early Morning Delivery" this shaman of shipping literally turns back time in a superhuman display of other-worldly power. And if that isn't enough, he creates birds out of thin air like it's something he can just do whenever he feels like it. The next ad, "International Shipping", seems to imply that if you send something to a different country with UPS you automatically learn how to speak that country's official language. Now not only is this guy Superman, but he has taken on the qualities of the Holy Spirit, bestowing the gift of tongues upon all who believe in Brown. Next in the series is "One Driver", where the superhuman God of packaging is now creating UPS drivers in his own image and predicting the weather. This ad also, for the first time, reveals in its latent symbology that UPS is a major player in the "One World Government" conspiracy long feared by Christian Fundamentalists.
The next ad, "Reliability", is frightening, yet awesome as it is revealed that UPS package labels can operate as seer-stones for those powerful enough to practice the ancient art of scrying. Our favorite warlock, as expected, is well-practiced in this black art. UPS then drops the ball with "Visibility" and creates an ad that is pretty much worthless. They really should have started with this one and worked up to the others. "Your Small Business" is the grand finale. In this gem of a commercial the conjurer gleefully informs you that he is buying your company, laying off 3/4 of your employess and instituting a dress code. "It's not your small business," he cackles at the end. "It's your small business with UPS."
Amazing. Hopefully the genius-machine over at UPS keeps cranking these out because I cannot get enough of them! I want to learn more from this man. I want him to be my teacher. No, I want him to be my personal life coach. No, I want him to be my dad! Can you imagine getting the "birds and the bees" talk from this guy and his wondrous whiteboard? "It's not sex with a girl. It's sex with a girl and with everyone else she's ever slept with. Let's give you some protection here." How lucky his children must feel.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Undaunted Courage: One Man's Search for Jesus
Omaha, NE--
Bobby McPhee isn't on a mission from God- he's just on a mission. For three weeks now the Nebraska sporting goods store clerk has tirelessly pounded the pavement of his quiet town in search of Jesus, so far without success.
McPhee began his quest while stopping at a downtown convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line he noticed a small flier in a phone booth which simply said "Find Jesus: Eternal Reward" and had a black-and-white sketch of "a scruffy lookin' dude with a nice beard and a mullet," McPhee said. "I figured this guy might be somebody worth finding."
Since then McPhee has put up his own fliers all around town, put ads in the paper, spread the word to friends and family, and has even resorted to going door-to-door.
"Apparently there's a reward, or it's some kind of contest," McPhee said. "And I'll be damned if I'm not going to win this thing."
But getting help from friends and neighbors has proven to be a difficult task.
"It's like nobody wants to talk about it or something," McPhee said. "I don't get it. I think they're trying to win the contest too and that's why no one wants to help out."
When McPhee goes door-to-door he typically introduces himself, presents his flyer and asks the person who answered the door if he or she "knows Jesus". McPhee has been sworn at, called names, yelled at, laughed at, had doors slammed in his face, and has been physically accosted.
"I'm starting to wonder about this Jesus guy," McPhee said. "It seems like he really ticked a lot of people off."
McPhee continues to dedicate himself to searching despite the negative reactions.
"For every one of them who throws things at me or screams profanities, there is someone out there really trying to help," McPhee said.
McPhee has received over 50 Bibles and directions to more than 20 different churches from those he has met along his way. Yet for all the assistance he feels no closer to his goal than when he started.
"Yeah, these books are no help to me, unless they are a secret code, but I'm pretty sure they're not," McPhee said. "I've staked out the churches too, and no one has come in yet that looks anything like the guy. Sometimes I think those people were just messing with me."
Undaunted, Mcphee has resolved to dedicate his life to this search, if that's what it takes.
"The naysayers can naysay all day long for all I care," McPhee said. "But when I win the contest and get the reward, I'll be the one laughing in their faces. You'll see!"
UPDATE: McPhee has since been fired from his job and now searches for Jesus full-time. He is supported by donations set up through his website on Myspace.com.
Bobby McPhee isn't on a mission from God- he's just on a mission. For three weeks now the Nebraska sporting goods store clerk has tirelessly pounded the pavement of his quiet town in search of Jesus, so far without success.
McPhee began his quest while stopping at a downtown convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line he noticed a small flier in a phone booth which simply said "Find Jesus: Eternal Reward" and had a black-and-white sketch of "a scruffy lookin' dude with a nice beard and a mullet," McPhee said. "I figured this guy might be somebody worth finding."
Since then McPhee has put up his own fliers all around town, put ads in the paper, spread the word to friends and family, and has even resorted to going door-to-door.
"Apparently there's a reward, or it's some kind of contest," McPhee said. "And I'll be damned if I'm not going to win this thing."
But getting help from friends and neighbors has proven to be a difficult task.
"It's like nobody wants to talk about it or something," McPhee said. "I don't get it. I think they're trying to win the contest too and that's why no one wants to help out."
When McPhee goes door-to-door he typically introduces himself, presents his flyer and asks the person who answered the door if he or she "knows Jesus". McPhee has been sworn at, called names, yelled at, laughed at, had doors slammed in his face, and has been physically accosted.
"I'm starting to wonder about this Jesus guy," McPhee said. "It seems like he really ticked a lot of people off."
McPhee continues to dedicate himself to searching despite the negative reactions.
"For every one of them who throws things at me or screams profanities, there is someone out there really trying to help," McPhee said.
McPhee has received over 50 Bibles and directions to more than 20 different churches from those he has met along his way. Yet for all the assistance he feels no closer to his goal than when he started.
"Yeah, these books are no help to me, unless they are a secret code, but I'm pretty sure they're not," McPhee said. "I've staked out the churches too, and no one has come in yet that looks anything like the guy. Sometimes I think those people were just messing with me."
Undaunted, Mcphee has resolved to dedicate his life to this search, if that's what it takes.
"The naysayers can naysay all day long for all I care," McPhee said. "But when I win the contest and get the reward, I'll be the one laughing in their faces. You'll see!"
UPDATE: McPhee has since been fired from his job and now searches for Jesus full-time. He is supported by donations set up through his website on Myspace.com.
Monday, January 08, 2007
The Da Hussein Code
Clues to Secret Location of WMD's Discovered in Saddam's Will
Baghdad, Iraq--
A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.
The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.
The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.
"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."
Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."
Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".
The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".
"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."
Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.
"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."
Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.
"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.
"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"
Baghdad, Iraq--
A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.
The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.
The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.
"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."
Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."
Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".
The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".
"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."
Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.
"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."
Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.
"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.
"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"
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