Dr. Phil Tells Middle East to 'Get Real'

Washington--

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday revealed renowned television talk-show host and conflict resolution guru Dr. Phil as the centerpiece of the Bush administration's strategy for quelling the escalating violence in the Middle East.

"Dr. Phil brings with him a wealth of experience in these matters," Rice said. "His straight-talk and no-nonsense style is just what this kind of conflict calls for. He won't pull any punches."

Rice, while not promising that the U.S. strategy could result in a cease-fire between Israel and the militant group Hezbollah who on Friday entered their 10th day of fighting, said she was "hopeful that Dr. Phil could be as successful in this arena as he has been with his shows."

The relationship and self-help expert is scheduled to arrive in Tel Aviv Saturday where he will meet with Israeli officials. From there, Dr. Phil will travel to an undisclosed location where he plans to conduct one of his now infamous "Relationship Rescue" retreats for the leaders with direct ties to the conflict. Dr. Phil reportedly has invitation acceptances from Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and several representatives from Hezbollah itself.

"We're going to get down and dirty, and eventually we'll get to the bottom of this whole ugly mess," Dr. Phil said. "It's time for these people to get real- with each other, but most importantly, with themselves."

Dr. Phil was encouraged by the participants' willingness to sign up for the weekend.

"The first good sign in all of this is that the invitations have been accepted," Dr. Phil said. "That the players are willing to show up in the first place tells me that we can make some real progress."

President Bush also seemed hopeful a cease-fire could result from Dr. Phil's intervention.

"I've seen the guy work on T.V." Bush said. "And, by God, he gets it done. Those people don't know what they're in for."

The retreat is scheduled to last two days, but Dr. Phil indicated to the participants that he can extend that "as long as he feels is necessary." It will involve both group and individual sessions, a therapeutic workshop and "fighting fair" seminar. Ultimately, Dr. Phil hopes to accomplish an agreement "everyone can live with" and make each of the countries involved a "Dr. Phil country," which means he would be able to keep track of their progress and hold them accountable if they break any terms of the agreement, he said.

"One year from now I want to have everyone back on the show for a spectacular reunion special," Dr. Phil said. "And if any of this nonsense crops up before then I'm just not going to put up with it."

Missing Teen Found Alive in Geraldo's Basement

New York--

More than a year after her sudden disappearance shocked the nation, Alabama teen Natalee Holloway has been found safe in Fox News host Geraldo Rivera's New York apartment.

Rivera admitted holding the teen captive there for 13 months while tens of thousands of agents, officials and volunteers searched diligently for her remains.

"We were convinced she was alive," Beth Twitty, Holloway's mother said. "It is a relief to know she was safe all along."

Twitty thanked Rivera for "taking good care of her" and Fox News for "everything they have done for us this past year and for keeping Natalee out of harm's way."

Rivera reportedly discovered the teen last year while in Aruba covering her disappearance.

"She was lying passed out in my hammock the day I got there," Rivera said. "Both Fox News and myself agreed the story couldn't end that way, so we made the decision to sit on it awhile to see how things would play out."

Rivera's hammock sits on his sprawling Aruban estate a half mile from the beach where Holloway was last seen. With heavy security and dogs guarding Rivera's property, it remains unclear how Holloway made her way to the hammock. The teen had no memory of how she got there, or her subsequent trip to New York.

"I woke up and I was like, 'This isn't Aruba,'" she said. "I knew I got wasted the night before, but I didn't think I was that wasted."

Holloway said the last thing she remembered was "hooking up" with "some guy" on the beach. She could not remember his name or give a description, other than to say that he was "totally hot and cute, and it was really, really awesome."

"When I came to I was in, like, this really sweet basement lounge type thing," Holloway said. "And, like, there were pictures of Geraldo everywhere. I guess it was kind of strange. Then this guy came in and said that Geraldo saved my life and that someone was still trying to kill me. He said I'd be safe here. Then he gave me some booze, which was cool because my head was pounding."

Rivera's cover was blown when neighbors heard what they thought was a domestic dispute and called the police. Police arrived to find Holloway, Rivera and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly in a heated discussion about the Iraq war.

"It sounded like a husband and wife just going at it," neighbor Fred Rogers said. "It turned out Natalee was just getting under O'Reilly's skin. She's a little firecracker."

"She was talking about Cindy Sheehan and bringing the troops home and stuff like that," O'Reilly said. "I'm not going to sit by and tolerate someone who has sympathy for terrorists."

"In the last year I hung out with those guys [O'Reilly and Rivera] quite a bit," Holloway said. "And I can tell you, they're both f----- in the head. O'Reilly was actually arguing about how great the U.S. is by saying 'Look at Aruba, they can't even find your killers! It's been over a year!' I was like 'Hello, Bill, I'm right here, I'm alive!'"

Rivera and Fox News have been roundly criticized for not immediately disclosing the teen's location.

"We were going to break the story as early as Fall sweeps," Rivera said, "But they just kept making arrests. Even we couldn't have known the story would get this kind of momentum."

In a search of Rivera's apartment, authorities reportedly found plans that show Rivera and Fox News planned to transport Holloway back to Aruba so that Rivera could discover her live on the air.

"Sweet redemption," Rivera said, commenting on what might have been. "Everyone would have completely forgotten that whole Al Capone's treasure fiasco."

Both Rivera and O'Reilly face multiple criminal charges including aggravated kidnapping and contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but Twitty is reportedly asking that charges not be filed.

"These men are heroes," a spokesman for Fox News said. "You should be giving them medals and a parade."