Will Mitt Romney win the GOP primary? Will Rush Limbaugh eat another hoagie and say something moronic? Although seemingly as inevitable as Limbaugh’s lunacy, apparently some people have questions regarding Mitt’s ability to claim the nomination. Mitt Romney isn’t “sealing the deal” with Republicans (come on Mitt, you just have to get her a little drunk.... oh that’s right, Mormon...) and there is even talk of a “brokered” GOP convention. If that were to happen, some prognosticate a “knight in shining armor” candidate could come to the rescue on his/her white, middle-aged heterosexual steed without having taken part in any of the primary elections.
But who could it be? The media has been throwing around the usual names like Palin, Chris Christie, and even Jeb Bush (hooray?). But there is one would-be savior that is getting surprisingly little attention given that he has already promised to rescue the country in the event things get so bad it needs the kind of rescue only he could provide: Chuck Norris.
Yes, Chuck Norris. The Texas Ranger himself, only months into the Obama presidency declared that things were so bad he might consider running for “President of Texas,” assuming it would have seceded from the country, presumably in a bloody race war. Nevermind that when he refers to the U.S. turning into the “enemy of the state,” he probably means “being run by a black guy.”
Also nevermind that he said he just wants to be President of Texas- last time I checked Chuck Norris can be President of whatever he damn well pleases. After all, when Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris. Just like Chuck Norris doesn’t “run for President.” Presidents run for Chuck Norris, usually a 5k, and at the end the winner gets to beg Chuck Norris for a Vice Presidential post, except they can’t because obviously Chuck Norris is both President AND Vice President, and Secretary of Defense too. He’ll let Congress vote if he feels like it, and might even give a State of the Union Address, if he’s in a good mood. There will be no more drawn out debates and procedural stall tactics, filibustering and rhetorical gimmicks. Chuck Norris asks and Chuck Norris gets, or else. No more hemming and hawing with rogue countries and international sanctions and endless arguing with the U.N. over whether there is legal justification for military intervention. You get on America’s bad side and you will immediately feel what it’s like to be on the wrong end of a Chuck Norris invasion.
And that is just what it’ll be, not an invasion by the young men and women of the U.S. military with countless deaths, injuries and post-traumatic stress disorders- just Chuck Norris, solo, roundhouse-kicking ass and taking names. There will be no more nuclear stand-offs, just ill-advised attempts at cloning Chuck Norris technology. They will not get far.
And don’t think we’ll still be talking about debt ceilings and $5 gas. The top oil-producing countries of the world will be paying US to take their oil just so that Chuck Norris doesn’t come over there and get it himself. We will have so much oil it will be illegal to drive in the car pool lane unless your car gets less than 10 mpg, and anyone driving with a passenger will be immediately arrested. Yes, it will be a brave new world, but a world where you won’t have to worry about the government taking your guns or raising your taxes. You’ll just have to worry about not pissing off Chuck Norris, and you’ll be just fine. Like the grizzly bear rug in his house- it’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move. Norris-Tebow 2012? I’m in.
But who could it be? The media has been throwing around the usual names like Palin, Chris Christie, and even Jeb Bush (hooray?). But there is one would-be savior that is getting surprisingly little attention given that he has already promised to rescue the country in the event things get so bad it needs the kind of rescue only he could provide: Chuck Norris.
Yes, Chuck Norris. The Texas Ranger himself, only months into the Obama presidency declared that things were so bad he might consider running for “President of Texas,” assuming it would have seceded from the country, presumably in a bloody race war. Nevermind that when he refers to the U.S. turning into the “enemy of the state,” he probably means “being run by a black guy.”
Also nevermind that he said he just wants to be President of Texas- last time I checked Chuck Norris can be President of whatever he damn well pleases. After all, when Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris. Just like Chuck Norris doesn’t “run for President.” Presidents run for Chuck Norris, usually a 5k, and at the end the winner gets to beg Chuck Norris for a Vice Presidential post, except they can’t because obviously Chuck Norris is both President AND Vice President, and Secretary of Defense too. He’ll let Congress vote if he feels like it, and might even give a State of the Union Address, if he’s in a good mood. There will be no more drawn out debates and procedural stall tactics, filibustering and rhetorical gimmicks. Chuck Norris asks and Chuck Norris gets, or else. No more hemming and hawing with rogue countries and international sanctions and endless arguing with the U.N. over whether there is legal justification for military intervention. You get on America’s bad side and you will immediately feel what it’s like to be on the wrong end of a Chuck Norris invasion.
And that is just what it’ll be, not an invasion by the young men and women of the U.S. military with countless deaths, injuries and post-traumatic stress disorders- just Chuck Norris, solo, roundhouse-kicking ass and taking names. There will be no more nuclear stand-offs, just ill-advised attempts at cloning Chuck Norris technology. They will not get far.
And don’t think we’ll still be talking about debt ceilings and $5 gas. The top oil-producing countries of the world will be paying US to take their oil just so that Chuck Norris doesn’t come over there and get it himself. We will have so much oil it will be illegal to drive in the car pool lane unless your car gets less than 10 mpg, and anyone driving with a passenger will be immediately arrested. Yes, it will be a brave new world, but a world where you won’t have to worry about the government taking your guns or raising your taxes. You’ll just have to worry about not pissing off Chuck Norris, and you’ll be just fine. Like the grizzly bear rug in his house- it’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move. Norris-Tebow 2012? I’m in.
