Vote for Giuliani, Vote for 9/11!

Now that Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President, NordSense can officially do the same. However, unlike Robertson we're not endorsing him because we believe he'll bring about the second coming of Christ- we're hoping for a different kind of second coming altogether, one that will be better for America in the long run. That's right, we're hoping for another 9/11, and we believe Giuliani is the only candidate capable of making it happen.

The "events" of 9/11, as the liberal media likes to call them, were actually terrorist attacks, and pretty much the only terrorist attacks ever perpetrated on U.S. soil, unless you count some obscure rioting once a long time ago, or when the Indians tried to invade and steal all kinds of land out West. And as Giuliani likes to constantly remind us, he was the mayor of New York City that day. No one else. Not Hillary, not Obama, not McCain. So in terms of allowing your city to be horrifically attacked by terrorists, Giuliani is far and away the best.

In terms of allowing your country to be attacked by terrorists, Bush is obviously the best, but unfortunately he's limited to only two terms, so we have to pick a replacement. We say Giuliani is the next-best thing. It's been over 6 years since 9/11, and the good times are really starting to fade. We think Giuliani can bring them back.

Remember the good days, the few months following 9/11 when everybody got together, put their differences aside, and got behind our President? Remember when, immediately after the attacks, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Patriot Act without even reading it, told us that it would make everything better, and no one questioned it even though it constituted probably the most severe attack on our civil liberties in history? Remember when we didn't care what the government was doing as long as it made the bad men go away? Remember when we didn't have to watch NFL football for a week? Those were truly the 21st century's halcyon days.

But alas, those days are gone. People are tired of hearing about 9/11, and tired of their civil liberties being "infringed" by things like the Patriot Act and NSA wiretapping. People no longer understand why people need to be held indefinitely without charges in places like Gitmo. People have forgotten why we need to "not" send suspected terrorists to other countries so that they can "not" be tortured (wink wink). Criticism of our President is at an all-time high and people are tired of hearing about the supposed "war on terror." People are starting to worry about trite domestic problems like education, poverty and the environment. What we need now, more than ever, is a good 9/11 redux.

Now, we realize it might not be "PC" to hope for another terrorist attack on the United States, but like Dr. Phil says, it's time to get real. Often times it takes the mildly intoxicated guy in the corner to cut through all the crap and just say what everyone is already thinking. NordSense humbly volunteers to be that guy.

Sure, all the candidates these days are trying to sell the American people on a "no more terrorist attacks" platform, but that is just because it makes people feel better. What they're really thinking, deep down is, "Damn I hope I'm lucky enough to have a good terrorist attack in the first year of my presidency." Because, as everyone knows, a good terrorist attack is a one-way ticket to record-high approval ratings, carte blanche to run the country how ever you want for at least three years before anyone bothers to question you, and, if you play your cards right, an easy breeze to a second term.

And we think that's just great. In a time of war, you can't waste time worrying about whether the President is doing a good job, or violating the law or people's rights. You have to go shopping and not think about a damn thing. It seems like when we're not under the constant threat of being blown up by fanatics, we start to obsess with things like "is this legal?" or "is that a human rights violation?" And that just wastes valuable time that we could use to go to the mall and Britney Spears concerts. And that is just not right.

So if you yearn for the good ol' days of post-9/11 bliss like we do, vote Giuliani, vote 9/11! You can thank us later.

Human Surge Fails to Quel Animal Insurgency

Gardiner, Mont.--

A dramatic increase in human-animal violence in the Northern Rockies in recent months is thought to be the result of a recent "surge" of armed humans meant to combat a rising animal insurgency.

Tuesday's mauling of a hunter outside of Gardner, Mont. was the fourth such attack in the area in less than two months. In the Yellowstone Ecosystem alone there have been seven incidents this year in which humans have been injured by bears.

The recent uptick in bear-fueled violence is thought to be the result of a concerted effort by humans to shut down an increasingly bloody animal insurgency that has been steadily gaining traction in the area's national parks and wilderness areas. Humans have long faced fierce resistance from animals to the occupation of their territories in and around wild lands, but the animal opposition has begun to show signs of a sophisticated insurgency.

While the animals in years past have relied on their fiercest predators - such as bears, wolves, and mountain lions - to carry out the bulk of attacks on human populations, they have now begun to train other, less conspicuous species like deer and moose to inflict damage as well.

Last summer in Grand Teton National Park, for example, a female adult moose kicked a 16-year-old South Korean boy in the head after the boy attempted to run away from the moose and its two calves. Within days of the moose incident, wildlife officials shot and killed a mule deer in Helena, Mont. after it attacked a woman in her yard. According to the story:

The number of complaints about aggressive deer in Helena has risen steadily
over the past two years, the FWP has said. The agency recently estimated that
the city's urban deer population has grown to between 300 and 400.

Last October, wardens killed four deer that were harassing a Helena
teenager on his newspaper route.

Experts agree that reports of gangs of deer interfering with paper routes signaled a new, frightening direction in the ongoing conflict between humans and animals. They were organized.

Both the timing and nature of the June, 2006 deer and moose attacks appeared to indicate they were in response to the May, 2006 human caused deaths of one male grizzly and two grizzly cubs in seperate incidents in and around Glacier National Park. Both the killing of two grizzly cubs by a human-run train and the death of a male grizzly during a human-run population study were ruled accidental, but animal insurgents considered both incidents to be deliberate attacks on their population.

As violent encounters between animals and humans rose throughout the next year, humans decided to take drastic action. Thus began the "surge" this Fall led by mostly male combatants armed with rifles, bows and arrows.

Dressed in camouflage and using advanced stealth techniques, the combatants hoped to stalk and kill some of the insurgency's most notorious beasts, including bears, moose, elk, deer and mountain lions. The animals, though, had other ideas.

In one of the first attacks as the surge began, a Yellowstone National Park employee hunting insurgents near Gardiner was mauled by a grizzly that he said appeared to "come out of nowhere." The employee sustained injuries to his back, stomach, legs and arms but luckily survived. Just days later, a grizzly insurgent struck again, this time pulling a human combatant out of a tree, injuring him.

It became clear that the animals were prepared for the humans, had the upper hand in their home turf, and wanted to send a message early. That message: stay the hell out of our woods. But despite increasing calls to end the surge and cut our losses, human leadership vowed to continue the effort for "as long as it would take to end the animals' threat to our way of life." The results have thus far proved disastrous. At least three other humans would be mauled by grizzlies in Montana forests, with hibernation still many painful weeks away. In the lone victory so far for humans, combatants shot and killed a female grizzly on October 6 as it attacked from deep cover. No surprise to anyone, the confrontation occurred while the men were hunting insurgents in the deadly "Grizzly Triangle" north of Gardiner.

Human leaders have pledged to wait to assess the surge's viability until the "mission is complete" and "all the data is in."

"We really need to wait until winter sets in and the insurgency's fiercest beasts, bears, are quietly hibernating," President of Humans Against Insolent Rebel Species (HAIRS), Barry McMoose said. "Then we can truly make an accounting of what went right, what went wrong, and what we need to do better next time. Trust, me, we'll get this thing licked."

For now, humans in the Rockies can only hope he's right.