Casey Anthony: America's Next Top Convict

Apparently the fact that some skank in Florida is not going to prison even though she couldn't explain (and actually lied about) why her kid was missing for a month and then turned up dead a few months later in some swampy woods by her house has some people losing their shit. So much so that she had to have special security when she was released from jail and her lawyers argued she shouldn't have to appear in Florida for probation because of concerns for her safety.

Sad, I thought after O.J. people would have more faith in the American jury system. I mean, they sat through the whole trial right? Obviously the jurors know what happened better than any of us. If Casey Anthony actually killed her daughter there would have been proof because, from what I've seen, she's clearly not smart enough to pull off a murder/body dump without leaving a trail. So congrats, jury and legal system, on another job well done. Now the police can concentrate on finding the real killer - because I don't know about you, but if I were in Florida I'd be pretty upset that there's a child murderer out there on the loose just walking around.

I guess America's legal system will never be good enough for some people. Maybe it's because juries typically consist of 12 marginally conscious semi-senile mouth-breathing rubes hand-picked for their ignorance. Or maybe it's just because we all don't get to have our say. Modern technology has conditioned us to believe we have the ability/right to judge everything- who deserves to be America's next "top" model, idol, talent, and fat marm lady singing annoying opera songs. And, as a whole, we always gets these things exactly right. Just look at Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks- superstars!

So since unlimited voting from anyone with access to a computer or mobile phone is obviously the only way to legitimately choose anything in this country,  I say we put important decisions like guilt or innocence back in the hands of the people who know best - the slobbering masses sitting in front of glowing screens. No more juries, just televise every trial and at the end put up a number so people can text their vote: innocent or guilty.

And why stop there? How satisfying would it be to finally see a Presidential election without all the finger-pointing and claims of voter intimidation and fraud? Just make all the candidates live in the same house and appear on a weekly show where they have to find immunity idols, complete physical challenges, eat bugs and debate each other over who has the worst drinking problem and least common sense. And in the season finale, "election day," Americans vote for their next top President from the comfort of their own homes. No more "polls not open long enough for everyone to vote" in the black neighborhood, just "cellular network failure in Cincinnati... whoops!" Close enough, I say, and a much truer picture of what America wants. Because we don't want to have to hear speeches, read pamphlets and watch ridiculous ads for months on end to choose our leaders. We just want to see them live in a house with people they hate, watch them meltdown, possibly expose one or more as racist, and then decide who we hate the most after magazines dig up embarrassing photos of them from college. It can't miss! And we owe it all to a misunderstood little tart from Florida who definitely didn't suffocate her 2-year-old daughter to death and dump her in a swamp. Thanks Casey!

Mustache Misadventure: Rehberg threatens to protect U.S. judge

For days I've been trying to wrap my brain muscle around the recent hubbub and uproar surrounding the allegedly threatening and supposed unfortunate remarks made by our lone Congressman Denny Rehberg (and his mustache) at a recent address at Montana's state capitol. Maybe I just don't "get" the joke. I personally don't see anything wrong with Rehberg (and his mustache) proclaiming that Federal judges like U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy should be placed on the endangered species list. 

I don't know if it's politically correct, and I certainly would never want to incur the wrath and rage of Judge Molloy or his family, but I can't help but agree with the Congressman (and his mustache). An arbiter of the quality and caliber of Judge Molloy truly is a rare and dying breed in today's judiciary and deserves the full protection and support the Endangered Species Act provides. Judges of Molloy's kind should be shielded from public hunts, at a minimum, and managed in such a way to ensure they enjoy successful breeding seasons, adequate migratory routes and plentiful winter feeding grounds.  They shouldn't have to worry about being harassed, hazed, or even shot by management officials if they wander off their designated pastures in search of forage.  Judges like Molloy are fiercely territorial and need enormous amounts of terrain to roam comfortably.  If constrained to inadequate acreage, studies have shown they can suffer extremely low birth-rates and are more likely to develop potentially fatal maladies like mange and hoof-and-mouth disease.  

Molloy-ish judges, like a thong in the butt crack of a person at Wal-Mart, know why the caged bird sings.

The U.S. Government should work with the State of Montana to guarantee that Molloy-type judges, if recovered to a sustainable population as determined by proper science, are not removed from the endangered species list until such time as acceptable management plans are in place for their long-term security.  Judges like Molloy are too important, too valuable, and too scarce to be subject to the whimsical fancy of politicians and their mustaches.  Rehberg is right, let's get these judges protected before they go the way of the dodo, because with the people in Congress we have now, judges like Molloy are probably our only hope.

Hole-by-Hole, the Year of the Tiger

Tiger's recently exposed sexual adventures definitely give new meaning to foxsports.com's "Tiger Tracker: hole-by-hole updates". I think the slew of tabloid Tiger press the last five months has been enough of a "hole-by-hole update" in and of itself.

The sad thing is that none of this would be happening (i.e. no one would be freaking) if Earl Woods would've just had the foresight to raise Tiger to be a football star instead of a golf phenom. Rape, murder, mayhem? Irrelevant in the NFL if you're winning Super Bowls. You think Tiger's harem of harlots is going to make a dent in that scene? But no, Earl had to stick him with the crusty country club crowd.

Shame on you, Earl. Of all sports/hobbies/talents, you pick the absolute worst for a sex-crazed psychopath like Tiger. Growing up around nothing but poles and holes day in and day out, with nothing but "Put it in the hole Tiger" ringing in his ears all the time, what did you think was going to happen? Let this be a warning to all aspiring glory-hungry parents not good enough at anything so they have to push their kids into sports they may or may not have had any interest in - don't be shocked and surprised when your kid ends up getting arrested at a donkey show in Tijauana because he never had pets or friends growing up like normal kids.

As for Tiger, if he starts blowing putts all over the place this weekend, you'll know the therapy is working. Holes are bad now, Tiger. Forget everything you thought you knew. Holes are bad.

NordSense now #1 among Sex Robots

If you've strolled through the comment section of any of my posts lately you'll notice the Asian Sex Robot Invasion has begun! It's a total blast, and it gets better everyday. And the nice thing about Asian sex robots is they really don't care if I post anything, they're just excited to have a box to play in... which it turns out is true for most people. You see, we and Asian sex robots are not so different, and that is the lesson we can learn here. Asian sex robots, though annoying at times, are really just here to help us better understand ourselves, and why so many of us need Asian robot sex, apparently.

Susan Boyle

A co-worker was listening to Susan Boyle in her cubicle the other day. Yeah, she's a great success story and all, but I think someone forgot to tell her we already have a Celine Dion, and we definitely don't need another one, ever.

Tribute?

Change the pic on this reversible zombie shirt to a Michael Jackson circa nose problems face and I'm sold. That's some scary shit!

Jon & Kate Update

Apparently Jon & Kate from that awesome reality show on TLC are planning a big announcement. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for double-suicide. C'mon Jon & Kate, do it for the kids.

Twittersweet Symphony

I never thought I would dignify Twitter with more than 5 seconds of brain power, but then again I didn't think I would ever watch a full season of American Idol, either. The downward spiral continues. Speaking of downward spirals, the reason for this Twitter tangent in the first place: Trent Reznor.

In a recent interview, the (former) Hard-Core-Goth-Industrial-Turn-Your-Kids-Into-Devil-Worshippers-Rock-God-Bad-Ass said Marilyn Manson had "become a dopey clown," which is actually kind of funny (cause it's true). But taking cheap shots at the (former) Antichrist Superstar is not all that Reznor's been up to. According to the article:

Earlier this year, Reznor engaged in a Twitter battle with Chris Cornell after offering a less-than-enthusiastic review of Cornell’s album Scream.

Really? The Nine-Inch-Nails rock icon in a "Twitter battle" with someone? And with Chris Cornell, no less, another (former) hard rock icon? What has the world come to? I would totally expect this out of Brett Michaels and his hair band ilk, and obviously pretty much anyone in the rap/R & B genre, but Reznor and Cornell? Actually, after Audioslave I can see it from Cornell, but Reznor is a disappointment.

For some reason I guess I actually thought Reznor had to be as hard-core has his music would imply, if only because it seems like you'd have to be pretty intense to produce the stuff he does. But then again I used to think the same thing about Metallica, so I really should have known better. It's just a bit of a let down that now whenever I hear a bad-ass Nine Inch Nails song I'm going to picture Trent Reznor Twitter-battling his latest nemises in between takes. "Sorry guys, gotta lay down that vocal track tomorrow. Cornell's really hammering me on Twitter right now."

It's just another example of how the Internets are helping celebrities destroy themselves better than they ever could before. They just can't help it. Gone are the good old days when recording artists talked shit to each other in their videos and album liner notes, with the occasional back-stage melee thrown in for good measure. Now, with their very own blog feuds and Twitter battles, it's easier than ever for stars to prove who's the bigger self-important jackass. (Spoiler: It's a tie between all of them). And if you're wondering whether a winner has been declared in the Reznor-Cornell Twitter spat, don't - they both lose.