Tribute?

Change the pic on this reversible zombie shirt to a Michael Jackson circa nose problems face and I'm sold. That's some scary shit!

Jon & Kate Update

Apparently Jon & Kate from that awesome reality show on TLC are planning a big announcement. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for double-suicide. C'mon Jon & Kate, do it for the kids.

Twittersweet Symphony

I never thought I would dignify Twitter with more than 5 seconds of brain power, but then again I didn't think I would ever watch a full season of American Idol, either. The downward spiral continues. Speaking of downward spirals, the reason for this Twitter tangent in the first place: Trent Reznor.

In a recent interview, the (former) Hard-Core-Goth-Industrial-Turn-Your-Kids-Into-Devil-Worshippers-Rock-God-Bad-Ass said Marilyn Manson had "become a dopey clown," which is actually kind of funny (cause it's true). But taking cheap shots at the (former) Antichrist Superstar is not all that Reznor's been up to. According to the article:

Earlier this year, Reznor engaged in a Twitter battle with Chris Cornell after offering a less-than-enthusiastic review of Cornell’s album Scream.

Really? The Nine-Inch-Nails rock icon in a "Twitter battle" with someone? And with Chris Cornell, no less, another (former) hard rock icon? What has the world come to? I would totally expect this out of Brett Michaels and his hair band ilk, and obviously pretty much anyone in the rap/R & B genre, but Reznor and Cornell? Actually, after Audioslave I can see it from Cornell, but Reznor is a disappointment.

For some reason I guess I actually thought Reznor had to be as hard-core has his music would imply, if only because it seems like you'd have to be pretty intense to produce the stuff he does. But then again I used to think the same thing about Metallica, so I really should have known better. It's just a bit of a let down that now whenever I hear a bad-ass Nine Inch Nails song I'm going to picture Trent Reznor Twitter-battling his latest nemises in between takes. "Sorry guys, gotta lay down that vocal track tomorrow. Cornell's really hammering me on Twitter right now."

It's just another example of how the Internets are helping celebrities destroy themselves better than they ever could before. They just can't help it. Gone are the good old days when recording artists talked shit to each other in their videos and album liner notes, with the occasional back-stage melee thrown in for good measure. Now, with their very own blog feuds and Twitter battles, it's easier than ever for stars to prove who's the bigger self-important jackass. (Spoiler: It's a tie between all of them). And if you're wondering whether a winner has been declared in the Reznor-Cornell Twitter spat, don't - they both lose.

American Idol is So Gay

Not gay as in homosexual gay, but gay in that it is so gay that America was too afraid to make a gay American Idol. Really? You'd rather give the trophy to the poor man's John Mayer just because he's straight and Christian? Oh, but you're the same people that fawn over all the gay figure skaters in the Olympics and watch night after night of prime-time television written mostly by homosexual Jews.

"Will & Grace is so funny, and I know it's fiction so there's nothing to be afraid of."

I'll admit I was getting a little scared. With the election of a black man as President I was starting to worry that this country was forgetting everything it was founded on (fear and hatred). Thank Science we have social experiments like American Idol to prove otherwise.

Not that it really matters anyway, and in a way, I'm actually glad Adam Lambert isn't the American Idol. That is a stank that doesn't wash off- it's like a big nasty asterisk at the end of any great career- Kelly Clarkson *American Idol; Carrie Underwood *American Idol... Adam doesn't need American Idol, and he doesn't need a bunch of do-gooding Danny Gokey fans to validate his talent. He is going to dominate the music scene, and when he does, he won't have the "well he won American Idol, the show is manufacturing his career" stigma.

It's just amazing that millions of people felt the need to prevent Lambert from winning, rather than voting because they truly were fans of the other guy, which is obviously what ended up happening. Like Adam Lambert winning American Idol would be some kind of threat to humanity. Because if a gay wins American Idol, all the kids are going to decide to be gay!! The horror! It's the same type of people that think gay marriage and government bailouts are going to trigger the apocalypse. But that's OK, if these people "feel better" knowing that Adam Lambert is not the American Idol, that's fine. They don't have to buy his records, watch him on TV winning Grammys, or read the thousands of magazines he'll undoubtedly be on the cover of in the coming decades. They'll probably get a little tired of hearing him all over the radio, but at least they can still turn on Rush and go to sleep knowing they did their part to keep America safe, and the AI trophy out of Lamberts gay little hands, cause God knows what he'd go home and do with it! Congrats, America, for keeping it a "family" show...

Here's the scary gay making people gay with his voice and terrorizing the masses:

What's the Square Root of 'Retarded'?

These are desperate times, and people are apparently increasingly desperate for something to celebrate. Today, for example, is "Square Root Day" for "math fans" across the world. It is "Square Root Day", they say, because the date is 03/03/09 and the square root of 9 is 3. The last "Square Root Day" was supposedly 02/02/04, and the next will be 04/04/16. Amazing.

I hate to be a buzz killington, (actually I don't), but these alleged "math fans" are not only pathetic, they are pathetically wrong. I don't know if anyone's told them, and I can't be the first to point out, that today is actually 03/03/2009, which would mean "Square Root Day" 03/03/09 actually took place exactly 2000 years ago, on March 3, 0009 C.E. And technically, much to the chagrin of "math fans" everywhere, the last real "Square Root Day" actually occurred on December 12, 144 C.E., and will never occur again as long as we use a Gregorian calendar.

Sorry "math fans", but your "Square Root Day" is a fraud. I thought "math fans" were more precise than this, but I guess when you're a "math fan" you take your excitement where you can get it. So have fun when you write the date today, and bask in the wonderment that you'll never have a fake "Square Root Day" again for seven years. Or don't think about it at all and you probably won't even notice.

Shocker of the Week

Anybody see a problem letting this guy "take care" of your kids for awhile? Apparently these people didn't. And, in the shocker of the week, he has been arrested for allegedly sexually abusing at least a couple of kids at the day care he owned and operated out of his house.

Who'd have thunk it? Looks like a huggable old buddy bear of a guy to me. I mean, if I saw him at the park grab-assing kids on the merry-go-round I'd be sure he's just a playful old prankster that loves a good game of butt-tag, definitely not a skeezy pathological chomo. But what do I know? I guess these days you just can't trust anyone, not even sketchy Jerry from down the street who always has kids over...

What is a parent to do? I suppose maybe NOT handing Billy and Suzy over to the guy who might as well have "I AM GOING TO MOLEST YOUR CHILDREN" tattooed on his forehead would be a good start. Any parent who thought it was a good idea to leave their kids with this guy should probably get the same prison sentence he does. Unless I'm being too harsh and he just doesn't photograph well...

Barackalypse Now

Be careful what you ask for, America. As of today, you have just over 74 days until Barack Obama is officially installed as the leader of the free world, thus precipitating Armageddon (finally). Time to "friend" Jesus (if you haven't already) and you better hope he accepts!

Of all the reasons to be afraid of Obama (he's black, he's Muslim, he's liberal, he's a terrorist, he's an alien, he's a zombie, he's Dracula), I think the best is that he is the Anti-Christ. It's about time someone finally stepped up to the plate on this one. There have been some good runs (Hitler, Stalin, Hussein, Bush), but so far no one has been able to trigger a full-on apocalypse. If Obama is as good as promised, we should be in for some good Rapturing come January.

Personally, I'm looking forward to it. A lot of people are all doom and gloom over this, but I say having a date certain for the end of the world is fantastic. Now I can stop caring about work, saving money and worrying about the "future" all the time. Wait, I pretty much already don't do any of those things. Well at least I can stop wondering whether I should start doing any of those things. And I guess I should get in with a church or two, just in case. I already have an "I love Jesus" trucker hat, so I should be good to go, but you can never be too sure.



Also, it's good knowing that our actions no longer have any real consequences. We can give up on the whole "going green" thing because really, I think the environment is going to be the least of the problems for those "left behind." Similarly, I no longer have to worry if it's "bad for me" to drink all day and eat pizza, which I plan on doing for the next 74.5 days.

So turn those frowns upside down, Americans. Party like you've got less than 3 months to live, 'cause it's true! Also, in case you were wondering, because an African-American has finally been elected President, black jokes are OK again and you can quote Blazing Saddles without being racist.

Time to Party Like it's 1999 (Again)!

The End of the World as We Know It (or TEOTWAWKI to plugged-in survivalists) is upon us (again) and as the economic meltdown escalates and a Second Great Depression looms, at least it's good to know someone (R.E.M. presumably) can still make money off of it. But also making money are those in the business of survivalism.

I can't blame them. Everyone saw the business model flourish as Y2K approached and people freaked out over the impending collapse of the world's computer systems and started hoarding food, water, guns and drugs in their cult-inspired compounds. Thank God Jesus didn't decide he was ready to come back yet, because now we get to do it all over again. But this time it's worse (for the people Jesus doesn't take back during the Rapture, that is): 911 won't work, water will kill you and if you don't have non-perishable food stockpiled you'll probably starve to death anyway.

Luckily there are people like Jim Wesley Rawles to operate websites like survivalblog.com. If not for him, I would be sitting here like an idiot not hoarding canned food in undisclosed locations or filling freezers full of prescription drugs and burying them in the woods. Without Rawles expert advice, I might still have money in banks. Good luck with that, people who still trust banks. Have fun with your worthless paper bills while I'm living the high life off my garage-sized supply of staples and paper clips, easily purchased with what I had left over after buying Costco out of their entire supply of sewing needles. Raw materials are going to be better than gold in the post Second Great Depression Era of Chaos and Mole People.

Additionally, according to Rawles' site, one of the most valuable commodities in the barter system of economy (which will undoubtedly emerge) will be cigarettes. Apparently this is because in the post-WWII horrorscape that was Germany, cigarettes were the most valuable bartering tool. I guess it makes sense because it is the same way in prison, so I've heard. So I definitely recommend hijacking at least a couple Phillips & Morris trucks to add to your compound. If you don't already have one from Y2K, you should build a compound, preferably with several underground chambers and a gun tower - remember, people (probably from the government) will be coming to harass you and/or steal your stuff. But don't stop there. Having cigarettes on hand will only take you so far. You need to be able to replace them once you exhaust your stockpile if you want to be able to procure goods and services. So I recommend that you go to your local nurseries and buy (steal) as many tree seeds as possible and plant them immediately. No one is going to be able to make cigarettes without paper, and if you have the most trees, you win. Also, you should then have enough wood to make a solid wall around your property to repel the inevitable onslaught of invaders. Remember that most standard-issue ladders reach at least 10 feet, so you want to probably go up at least 15 feet and make sure to line the top with sharp iron spikes or razor wire. Don't forget to include turrets for keeping watch over (shooting) the neighbors.

If you still have goods left from your Y2K stockpile, you have a good start. If you haven't even started hoarding yet, well all I can say is good luck. And for all you cynics out there, you can laugh all you want, but don't blame me or Mr. Rawles when you come crawling across our moats, infected with pneumonia and starving to death when we say "Sorry fellow human, but it's every man for himself around here. Shoulda started hoarding!" Maybe I'll cut you a break and give you some of my paper clips. Maybe.