NordSense Solutions: Iraq

To commemorate the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, PBS ran a two part series entitled Bush's War. The series was in-depth, well-researched, included countless interviews with people inside the State Department, Pentagon and CIA and was nearly 4 hours in length. It presented in painstaking detail every step (and misstep) made in the planning and execution of the invasion and occupation of Iraq from September 11, 2001 right up to recent months. It is probably the most comprehensive account of what went on that exists in current media.

I highly recommend it- but in case you don't have 4 hours to kill in front of your computer or T.V., I'll give you the main gist: Don Rumsfeld is a complete assbag. And, to the same extent, Bush and Cheney are assbags for putting him in charge and then backing him each time he would make some idiotic, ignorant and boneheaded decision (which was often). But as the wise old wizard John McCain says, that was then, this is now. The past is the past. "We are where we are now". And we need a solution - a way out of Iraq without making the situation worse than it already is (if that's even possible).

Other than the boneheaded idea of invading Iraq in the first place, it is obvious that the second biggest blunder in this whole debacle was not sending in nearly enough troops to secure the country after toppling Saddam's regime. And while the "surge" is "working" (relatively speaking, which really isn't saying much), it is painfully clear that nothing short of a drastic, sustained increase in military personnel will provide enough security for the "political process" in Iraq to resolve itself. And with our U.S. military already stretched dangerously thin and otherwise occupied in Afghanistan fighting real terrorists, and with the "coalition of the willing" slowly dwindling to an Army of One, I think there's only one solution: Clone armies.

Think about it. Whether you think cloning is "right" or "wrong", you have to admit that breeding an army of clones to secure Iraq is a foolproof plan. We wouldn't have to worry about things like grieving families and friends, because clones wouldn't have families or friends. They really wouldn't even have emotions if we didn't want them to - we could make them all carbon copies of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and raise them in an underground bunker where all they learn to do is eat, sleep and kick ass. We wouldn't have to deal with things like disabled veteran clones with post-traumatic stress disorder and mental issues, because we could simply "retire" the clones when the job is done, or deploy them to Iran. . .

We wouldn't have to spend all kinds of money treating the wounded, we could just make more clones instead. We wouldn't have to spend money paying for their college, because clones don't need college. They just need to go where they're told. Obviously, it would cost some money to breed and train the clones, but eventually the money we could save by phasing out the "volunteer" army would put us billions ahead.

Yes, there's no doubt. The "clone surge" would overwhelm the insurgency and all of this squabbling over what to do in Iraq would be a thing of the past. And with cloning now suddenly socially acceptable, think of the possibilities: we could clone important leaders like JFK, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy so that the government can conspire to assassinate them again. Hooray!

Now I know what you might be saying, that the Bush Administration would never support breeding clone armies as a morally acceptable practice. But c'mon, if they are willing to send over 4,000 Americans to their deaths in a war started on false pretenses for no purpose other than to inflate their massive egos and ensure their reelection, they shouldn't bat an eye at clone armies, right?

And just like that, another problem solved. You're welcome, world.