McCain Seeks 'Retarded Black Woman' for VP Nod

Tuscon, Ariz.--

Republican presidential candidate and presumptive nominee Sen. John McCain announced today he is seeking a "retarded black woman" to serve as his vice presidential running mate.

Reaction to the announcement from political analysts has been mixed, though some have praised McCain's effort to get a leg up on his future Democratic competition. Having sewn up the Republican nomination with primary victories in both Texas and Ohio last week, McCain appears to be wasting no time in looking ahead to the eventual general election contest. It remains unclear whether he will face New York Senator Hillary Clinton or Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who are locked in a protracted battle for the Democratic nomination, but McCain appears to be seeking a running mate that will give him the best chance of defeating either opponent.

"We believe a retarded black woman will cover our bases quite nicely," McCain said. "It's going to be an unstoppable ticket regardless of who we're facing. Especially if she also happens to be grossly obese."

Senior campaign adviser for McCain Mark McKinnon explained the choice as an attempt to one-up the eventual Democratic nominee and capture independent voters clamoring for change.

"The Democrats will either have a woman or a black man running for President," McKinnon said. "And they are benefiting from people falling all over themselves for the novelty. They are getting all these people who want to be the ones to vote either the first woman or first black man to the presidency. Well we're just going one step further, so now they'll have a black and a woman on the ticket in the same person. And if we're lucky, she'll be a fat retarded one. I defy the Democratic ticket to beat that."

While some analysts questioned the move, others believe it is a politically savvy strategy given the potential that Clinton and Obama could appear together on a so-called "dream ticket."

"Choosing a black woman as his running mate is really a bold move," Shemp Dunderton, former adviser to President Carter, said. "Not only is it an innovative and cutting-edge thing to do, it might be the only way McCain can compete with the Clinton-Obama type of ticket that has everyone buzzing."

Dunderton lauded the strategy, saying an obese black retarded woman would undoubtedly inject much-needed life into McCain's campaign.

"If he finds a gal with a little spunk, a little spontaneity, his campaign might become the hottest ticket around," Dunderton said. "A fat retarded black woman sharing the stage with John McCain will do nothing if not generate tons of interest."

Others derided the decision as desperate and predicted the campaign would disintegrate into a gong show. Not to be outdone, the Clinton campaign issued a statement that if she were nominated, she would seek a half-Japanese hermaphrodite to run on her ticket, while Obama stated that if named the Democratic nominee his first choice for vice presidential running mate would be Ukrainian "Dog Girl" Oxana Malaya.

Questioned as to whether he thought the American people were ready for a mentally retarded Vice President, McKinnon said, "If they are willing elect George W. Bush President twice, we don't think they'll have any problem with a retard."

McKinnon would not say which, or how many retarded black women McCain is considering, but confirmed that Star Jones is "on the short list, obviously."