NordSense Solutions: Iraq

To commemorate the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, PBS ran a two part series entitled Bush's War. The series was in-depth, well-researched, included countless interviews with people inside the State Department, Pentagon and CIA and was nearly 4 hours in length. It presented in painstaking detail every step (and misstep) made in the planning and execution of the invasion and occupation of Iraq from September 11, 2001 right up to recent months. It is probably the most comprehensive account of what went on that exists in current media.

I highly recommend it- but in case you don't have 4 hours to kill in front of your computer or T.V., I'll give you the main gist: Don Rumsfeld is a complete assbag. And, to the same extent, Bush and Cheney are assbags for putting him in charge and then backing him each time he would make some idiotic, ignorant and boneheaded decision (which was often). But as the wise old wizard John McCain says, that was then, this is now. The past is the past. "We are where we are now". And we need a solution - a way out of Iraq without making the situation worse than it already is (if that's even possible).

Other than the boneheaded idea of invading Iraq in the first place, it is obvious that the second biggest blunder in this whole debacle was not sending in nearly enough troops to secure the country after toppling Saddam's regime. And while the "surge" is "working" (relatively speaking, which really isn't saying much), it is painfully clear that nothing short of a drastic, sustained increase in military personnel will provide enough security for the "political process" in Iraq to resolve itself. And with our U.S. military already stretched dangerously thin and otherwise occupied in Afghanistan fighting real terrorists, and with the "coalition of the willing" slowly dwindling to an Army of One, I think there's only one solution: Clone armies.

Think about it. Whether you think cloning is "right" or "wrong", you have to admit that breeding an army of clones to secure Iraq is a foolproof plan. We wouldn't have to worry about things like grieving families and friends, because clones wouldn't have families or friends. They really wouldn't even have emotions if we didn't want them to - we could make them all carbon copies of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and raise them in an underground bunker where all they learn to do is eat, sleep and kick ass. We wouldn't have to deal with things like disabled veteran clones with post-traumatic stress disorder and mental issues, because we could simply "retire" the clones when the job is done, or deploy them to Iran. . .

We wouldn't have to spend all kinds of money treating the wounded, we could just make more clones instead. We wouldn't have to spend money paying for their college, because clones don't need college. They just need to go where they're told. Obviously, it would cost some money to breed and train the clones, but eventually the money we could save by phasing out the "volunteer" army would put us billions ahead.

Yes, there's no doubt. The "clone surge" would overwhelm the insurgency and all of this squabbling over what to do in Iraq would be a thing of the past. And with cloning now suddenly socially acceptable, think of the possibilities: we could clone important leaders like JFK, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy so that the government can conspire to assassinate them again. Hooray!

Now I know what you might be saying, that the Bush Administration would never support breeding clone armies as a morally acceptable practice. But c'mon, if they are willing to send over 4,000 Americans to their deaths in a war started on false pretenses for no purpose other than to inflate their massive egos and ensure their reelection, they shouldn't bat an eye at clone armies, right?

And just like that, another problem solved. You're welcome, world.

Taking One for the Team

I hear a lot of people say that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. You take the easy way out while your family and friends have to deal with the pain you've caused, funeral expenses, etc. I've thought about it, and I have to respectfully disagree. In this age of Global Warming, what better way to reduce your carbon footprint than to eliminate it altogether? What better way to "give back" to the environment than to, literally, give your body back to the earth to stimulate plant and animal growth? I believe taking your own life, then, would not be the most selfish thing someone could do, as a lot of people would have you believe, but rather, is truly the ultimate sacrifice, and is one of the best ways to ensure a better tomorrow for future generations. So to all you suicide victims out there, don't listen to the naysayers. They're just jealous because they don't have the testicular fortitude to do it themselves. After all, it's a lot easier to judge and point fingers when they're not the ones slicing their wrists open with razor blades. So a heartfelt thanks, suicide victims, from me to you, for taking one for the team.

Happy Easter

In honor of the occasion- the Dr. Seuss Bible:

Someone Owes Me Money (Again)!

You may recall a few months ago when "reporter" Matthew Brown with the Associated Press ripped off my story about the escalating warfare between animals and humans without paying me so much as a nickel. I have still not received any credit, compensation, or even a thank-you note from Mr. Brown.

I was so distraught and angry, I could barely blog. I'm still angry. Why take the time and trouble to post things online if they're just going to be pilfered by "journalists" desperate to sell newspapers to people not smart enough to realize they can get all the "news" they need on the Internet for free? Well recently I decided some stories just needed to be told and ended my boycott. To no one's surprise, it's happening again.

This time it's some coward at "McClatchy Newspapers", purportedly out of Miami, burgling my story ideas and passing them off as his or her own. You'll recall the in-depth analysis of the increasing phenomenon of dead people's Myspace pages I posted last week. Well imagine my surprise (ok, not surprise) when I saw this story hit the news wires on Tuesday. You're welcome, McClatchy newspapers. No need to thank me publicly, link to my post or offer me a cut of your subscription revenue. That copyright information at the bottom of my page is just an inside joke I have with my friends . . .

But my main beef isn't even that the anonymous McClatchy Newspapers "reporter" is a plagiarist. It's that he or she seems to all-but endorse Myspace memorials to dead people with slight mention of the morbid and unhealthy fascinations this sick practice perpetuates. Worse, McClatchy Newspapers fails to even address the issue I have with the practice- that these "Myspace memorials" are costing online predators increasing amounts of valuable time and effort that could be better spent stalking and harassing people who are actually alive. If you are going to steal a meal, at least take the meat.

So I hope you're happy "McClatchy Newspapers", if that is your real name. Next time you need a tip, you know where to look.

McCain Seeks 'Retarded Black Woman' for VP Nod

Tuscon, Ariz.--

Republican presidential candidate and presumptive nominee Sen. John McCain announced today he is seeking a "retarded black woman" to serve as his vice presidential running mate.

Reaction to the announcement from political analysts has been mixed, though some have praised McCain's effort to get a leg up on his future Democratic competition. Having sewn up the Republican nomination with primary victories in both Texas and Ohio last week, McCain appears to be wasting no time in looking ahead to the eventual general election contest. It remains unclear whether he will face New York Senator Hillary Clinton or Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who are locked in a protracted battle for the Democratic nomination, but McCain appears to be seeking a running mate that will give him the best chance of defeating either opponent.

"We believe a retarded black woman will cover our bases quite nicely," McCain said. "It's going to be an unstoppable ticket regardless of who we're facing. Especially if she also happens to be grossly obese."

Senior campaign adviser for McCain Mark McKinnon explained the choice as an attempt to one-up the eventual Democratic nominee and capture independent voters clamoring for change.

"The Democrats will either have a woman or a black man running for President," McKinnon said. "And they are benefiting from people falling all over themselves for the novelty. They are getting all these people who want to be the ones to vote either the first woman or first black man to the presidency. Well we're just going one step further, so now they'll have a black and a woman on the ticket in the same person. And if we're lucky, she'll be a fat retarded one. I defy the Democratic ticket to beat that."

While some analysts questioned the move, others believe it is a politically savvy strategy given the potential that Clinton and Obama could appear together on a so-called "dream ticket."

"Choosing a black woman as his running mate is really a bold move," Shemp Dunderton, former adviser to President Carter, said. "Not only is it an innovative and cutting-edge thing to do, it might be the only way McCain can compete with the Clinton-Obama type of ticket that has everyone buzzing."

Dunderton lauded the strategy, saying an obese black retarded woman would undoubtedly inject much-needed life into McCain's campaign.

"If he finds a gal with a little spunk, a little spontaneity, his campaign might become the hottest ticket around," Dunderton said. "A fat retarded black woman sharing the stage with John McCain will do nothing if not generate tons of interest."

Others derided the decision as desperate and predicted the campaign would disintegrate into a gong show. Not to be outdone, the Clinton campaign issued a statement that if she were nominated, she would seek a half-Japanese hermaphrodite to run on her ticket, while Obama stated that if named the Democratic nominee his first choice for vice presidential running mate would be Ukrainian "Dog Girl" Oxana Malaya.

Questioned as to whether he thought the American people were ready for a mentally retarded Vice President, McKinnon said, "If they are willing elect George W. Bush President twice, we don't think they'll have any problem with a retard."

McKinnon would not say which, or how many retarded black women McCain is considering, but confirmed that Star Jones is "on the short list, obviously."

Please take down your deceased daughter's/girlfriend's/sister's/niece's myspace page

Like most Americans, and all sexual predators, I love Myspace. It is the only place I can stalk women without being harassed by pesky people like neighbors and the police (note to federal investigators now probably reading this - just check out, oh, any of my other posts if you think I am serious). But there is a growing trend among users of "the Myface" that is disturbing as it is frustrating: Dead people's profiles being "preserved" in their memory. Specifically, dead girls.

I would like to kindly and respectfully ask the family members/significant others/friends of these people to go ahead and delete their pages immediately. I can't tell you how many times this happens: I'm browsing along, trolling for hotties, and I come across some page of a really cute girl who also looks like a person I would be interested in getting to know better, and by "getting to know better" I mean stalk and harass over the internet. Naturally, I have to check the rest of the pics, because we all know how the "profile" pics can be manipulated to make an atrocious slumpbuster look like the Playmate of the Year. So I'll dive in to the albums, where hopefully I'll get the real deal, and she's still looking good. Then I'll notice she actually lives near me, likes the same things I like, and even has a decent set of "top friends" (instead of the normal slew of bands, weird D.J.'s, and guys on snowmobiles and/or crotch rockets dressed like they think they're posing for an Eminem album cover). Next, of course, I have to find out if she's single. And she is- so far so good.

Then, finally, before I go any further, I have to check out the comments. That's where things get real. Is she a decent human, or just human garbage? You usually don't need to delve very far into the comment section to answer that question. And that's when things take a huge turn for the worse: "We'll always miss you and love you! Forever in our hearts!"? "Our angel, on loan from God"? "R.I.P. Ashley"?? "Your light will shine on always! Best friends forever!!"???

So that is when I start to get the idea that something is clearly wrong here: This chick is obviously deceased, and now the entire venture has been a colossal waste of time. Yeah I know you're all grieving and this person meant a lot to you, but for everyone's sake, please take the page down. Do you really think the best way to get over the loss of your loved one is to pretend they're still alive and write things to her myspace page? No, any psychologist will tell you the healthiest thing is to ceremoniously discard of their page so you can begin the first steps of moving on with your lives. Also, do you really think the best way to preserve their memory is to turn them into a giant tease? Because to all the myspace predators out there, that is what they are now.

I'm not a heartless bastard- of course I understand if it would be just too hard and you have to keep the page going. But if that is the case, can you at least have the courtesy to change the name of the profile to reflect that the person is no longer alive? Maybe something like "Dead Sarah" or "Brittany, yes, the one that just died in the accident". That way at least everyone knows, up front, not to expect them to return any messages.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.