Insensitive Mascots the Shame of the Sports World

The 2006 college football season kicked off last weekend, and with it the debate resumes over what many see as offensive and derogatory mascot names. People across the country have been clamoring for the NCAA to ban mascot names that make reference to Native Americans. The NCAA last year declined to ban the use of the mascots, but announced they would limit the use of mascots deemed to make "hostile and abusive" references. They may as well have taken a big foam finger and slapped all the Indians in America right across the face.

Not only are team mascots like the Fighting Sioux (University of North Dakota) objectionable, but I don't think the NCAA, or all sports leagues, for that matter, should stop there. What about teams like the Raiders (Oakland) or the Buccaneers (Tampa Bay)? Were all 17th and 18th century sea-going wayfarers cunning rapists and pillagers? I know from watching Pirates of the Carribean (1 and 2) that at least some of them were jolly and likeable. Pirates around the world have the right not to be denigrated in such a way by these irresponsible mascot depictions.

Further, there are a host of animals, from reptiles to mammals, getting a bad rap. Who is to stick up for the gentle American grizzly bear, harmlessly foraging for berries and grubs in the Northern Rockies when teams from Memphis to Montana portray this creature as a ferocious bloodthirsty killing machine? And what of the endangered tiger, one of the most popular team mascots in America? Based on the mascots alone, you'd have to assume that tigers are senseless man-eaters that will stop at nothing before all of your babies are devoured. But you'd never be able to find out for sure, because there aren't even any wild tigers in the U.S.! To even guess that tigers might be fun to hang around, you'd have to be from Inda, or know someone who is. And who knows anyone from India? I guess you could call your computer's technical support number, and ask them, but what would they know? They sit in warehouses all day answering technical support calls. The point is, animal mascots are at even more of a disadvantage because they can't even sue. So you can have a team called the "Furious Field Mice" and portray a red-eyed, evil mouse with fangs in full attack mode and completely get away with it.

To make matters worse, teams are now exploiting natural phenomenons for mascot purposes. I can think of nothing more insensitive than mascots like the Lightning (Tampa Bay) and the Hurricanes (Carolina). Think of all those Hurricane Katrina victims scattered across the country, trying to piece their shattered lives back together. So they turn on their new plasma screen tv's (thanks, FEMA) to take their mind off of it all, and what comes on? A Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, complete with rabid fans chanting "Hurricanes! Hurricanes!" over and over. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. And think of the poor lightning strike victims, recovering from surgeries and skin grafts in a Salt Lake City burn center, propped up in their beds so they can catch a little tv before they pass out again from the pain. And what pops up? A Tampa Bay Lightning game! Outrageous! Lightning and Hurricanes take a massive human toll on our population year after year, but somehow these mascots slipped past the censors. It's like naming a team the "Holocaustin' Hitlers" or the "Slaughterin' Stalins". Of course, no one would stand for that. Maybe the "Murderin' Mansons" would cause a bit of a stir, but probably only in California.

So what is the solution? I think to get away from all the controversey and bickering, teams should adopt accurate mascots from everyday life that everyone can relate to. Because as you know, Sioux Indians no longer raid villages on horseback with piercing war cries. But often they will still take your money at a mega-casino. So maybe a more accurate suggestion would be the University of North Dakota Swindlin' Sioux? You could then easily transfer this theme to other tribes: The Flimflammin' Flathead, Bilkin' Blackfeet, Hustlin' Hopis or Shuckin' Cheyanne. That's five replacement, non-offensive mascot names right there. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to come up with more.

To be fair, we shouldn't be limited to Native Americans either. There are plenty of caucasian people out there that are every bit as scary as the animals and ancient warriors of our past. You could have teams like the Relative-rapin' Rednecks, Jug-jigglin' Jailbait, Mice-munchin' Methmouths, Crack-addled Kid-killers, or Neo-conservative Christo-fascist War-mongers. I think there are plenty more where that came from.

That's just the start- the rest is up to you. Remember, as the fall sports seasons get underway, the team you're cheering could be insulting you or your ancestors with reckless and derogatory mascots. They could also be rubbing a horrible tragedy in your face, like the Pittsburgh Steelers do every Sunday to anyone who's ever been injured or killed in a horrific steel factory accident. And no one deserves that.