El Diablo? No!

Guest commentary by The Devil

The world (and underworld) have been all abuzz over the comments made last week at the U.N. by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez calling U.S. President George W. Bush "the Devil". A lot of people down here have been asking me what I think about it and wondering if I thought it was bad form to come to America and call the President names. "Can you believe he insulted the President like that?" they say.

"Insulted the President?!" I said. He insulted me! I've been called every name in the book, from "Prince of Darkness" to "The Father of Lies" to the "Angel of the Bottomless Pit", but to compare me to George W. Bush? That's just wrong. I am hereby reserving a special spot in Hell for one Hugo Rafael Chavez Frias. That he would have the gall to compare me to G.W. Bush is simply astounding. Mentioning me in the same breath as that man was just a low-blow, and it will not go unpunished. Let this be a warning to anyone else (I'm talking to you, Ahmadinejad) who thinks they can get away with comparing me to this President: Think long and hard before you decide to lump me in with this guy, for you will suffer eternally if you do, and that's a promise.

Now, a lot of people might be saying, "Hey, you're both evil, what's the big deal?" Well, I might be The Devil, but I still have standards. I like to think of myself as stern, but fair. When people deal with me, I give them fair warning and they know exactly what they're getting into. Who am I to blame if temptation gets the best of them? Bush, on the other hand, is totally ruthless. He is indiscriminate and altogether uncaring. Take Iraq, for example. My good buddy Saddam and I had a good thing going over there. Sure, he was committing atrocities, but what did you expect, he's an evil dictator? Bush on the other hand, comes riding in on a white horse of "democracy" under the pretenses of "saving everyone", but ends up making it 10 times worse! Now there are things going on over there I wouldn't take credit for even if I could.

See, the difference between he and I is I let people make their own decisions. Sure, I might use a little deception and chicanery to influence the choice, but hey, I'm the Devil. I don't pretend I'm not. I might make promises I don't intend to keep, but at least they know it's the Devil they're dealing with. I'll use every trick in the book, but I won't just impose my will on people. Unlike Bush, I let people dig their own graves. And when things fall apart for the people I deceive (and they always do), I don't continue to lie to them like Bush saying "Oh don't worry, it's all going according to plan. Just tough it out and you'll get your reward in the end. . ." No, I say "Gotcha! Ha ha ha! See you in Hell, sucker! Tee hee, fiddly dee!"

Maybe a little analogy will make it clearer. If someone is drowning in the ocean, I offer the person a choice: You can pray to God, and yeah He'll probably save you, but you'll just go back to your boring, mundane life. Or, you can take my hand right now, and not only will I save you, but all of your wildest fantasies will come true. Then it's up to the person. If he/she chooses God over me, I don't just grab his/her hand anyway! Not only would Bush yank the person out of the water, whether he/she wanted him to or not, but then he'd stick a knife in the person's back and tell him/her it's the only way to drain the water out of his/her lungs. "Trust me, you'll thank me for this someday," he'd say as he goes through the person's wallet. Even I'm not that cold.

This is not to say that Bush and Co. haven't been good for business down here. Make no mistake, a lot of people are thinking it's a good idea to sell their souls lately. But I just wanted to clear the air, get a few things off of my chest and make sure people weren't getting the two of us confused. Oh, and one more thing, Hugo-- it doesn't smell like sulfur down here, it smells like The Golden Corral. Sulfur is much too tolerable.