i "Phone" 6 Debuts Sans Phone, Finally

In a long-awaited announcement, Apple, Inc. released details of its highly anticipated iPhone 6, revealing that it will finally do away with the “phone” and “voicemail” components, opting instead to focus on more practical applications like iMessage, text and “facetime”.  The move was almost universally applauded among consumers around the globe.

“Who actually calls anyone anymore?” said one iPhone user.  “If I’m getting a call at this point it’s either my grandma or a robot. And I really don’t have much to talk about with either of them.”  

“Great move,” said another. “Finally, I mean it’s about time. There’s nothing worse than getting that ring vibration that won’t stop. It’s like, ‘oh I’m getting a message.... wait, no, a call? Fuck. What now?!’”

Apple spokesman H.J. McJobs said the company recognized that the majority of consumers now consider phone calls to be an annoying relic of the past century.

“We realize that it's the 21st century and nobody wants their phone ringing,” McJobs said. “There’s literally nothing worse to the average person than having to drop whatever it is they’re doing immediately and talk with a friend or family member in real time. Now, they won’t even have to make up an excuse for missing those calls. We’ve done it for them.”

A quick sampling of random Internet forums found that people had nothing but positive reaction to the announcement.

“I never thought I would admit this but Apple finally got something right,” user DonkeyDick23 posted. “Now I don’t have to worry about people ruining perfectly good games of Angry Birds with ill-timed and rude phone calls.”

“Thank god,” user SlutBag19 posted. “Now I can finally go on a weekend  to Vegas with the guys without getting a million calls over and over from my wife about what I’m doing and who I’m with. I can just text her and go on with my lap-dance in peace.”

Those concerned about how to contact emergency responders were relieved to hear that Apple has surprisingly partnered with Google to revolutionize the 911 call. “Just hop on your Google Plus and join 911’s ongoing Google Hangout and explain your situation,” McJobs said. “Operators are constantly standing by to respond to your emergency.”

As a backup, iPhone 6 users can also tweet their emergency to “@911” and wait for assistance.