The Da Hussein Code

Clues to Secret Location of WMD's Discovered in Saddam's Will

Baghdad, Iraq--

A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.

The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.

The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.

"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."

Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."

Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".

The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".

"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."

Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.

"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."

Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.

"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.

"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"