Denver, CO--
Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.
"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."
The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.
"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."
Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.
The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.
"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."
Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.
"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."
Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.
"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."
Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.
"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."
The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.
"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."
Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.
The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.
"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."
Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.
"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."
Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.
"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."
2 comments:
I will be praying for you Nord
This article? Gay.
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