So many problems, so little time. Today - teen pregnancy. Already, I'm sure some of you are wondering, "Is teen pregnancy really a problem?" I guess it really isn't, unless you are a teen and you don't want to be pregnant. So I guess a better description of the problem is "unwanted" teen pregnancy. Apparently "unwanted" teen pregnancies are on the rise again (after experiencing a sharp decline during the "Britney is preggers" years when getting knocked up by some no-talent creeper was the "cool" thing to do, everyone has now seen how it made her go bean bags and, like those incredibly annoying little fluffy dog-rats they all bought a few years ago to be like Paris, their pregnancies just don't seem as "cute" anymore and are starting to make them smell funny).
So what is the answer? I'm glad you asked: Childhood obesity. Now, some of you might say "But isn't childhood obesity yet another growing problem?" And you might be right. But if I learned anything from law school it's that there isn't a single problem that can't be made into an opportunity (usually an opportunity to blame someone and make money). In this case, I think childhood obesity is the perfect opportunity.
It should be obvious by now that sex education, abstinence education, and every other kind of education has failed to prevent unwanted teen pregnancies. The fact is, teens like to have sex, and they like to have sex because it is fun. So how do you stop teens from wanting to have sex? Easy- make it less fun. Or even better, not fun at all. And what's the easiest way to do that? Make sure that as many kids as possible, by the time they are teens, are morbidly obese. We are already off to a pretty good start. But we can do better. The more teens that are grossly obese, the less likely it is that any of them will become pregnant unintentionally, or really, pregnant at all.
It goes without saying, as anyone who's joined the "deuce, deuce-and-a-half club" knows, that sex with someone who is morbidly obese is a lot more work than fun. Statistics have even shown that most people, given the choice, would rather build a deck than have sex with a morbidly obese person. Sure, building a deck sucks and it's a lot of work, but at least when you're done you have something you can use, and the only maintenance you need to perform is some painting every so often. But have sex with someone who's morbidly obese, and he or she will undoubtedly want you to feed him or her afterwards, and, like a lost puppy, you'll now have a new best friend, except it will be a new best friend that costs you $500 a week in groceries.
Faced with the alternatives (i.e. moving to Europe), I think kids will abstain. Obviously, the risk of implementing this plan is that we will see a dramatic increase in unintentional deck-building, but I think that is a risk we should be willing to take. Of course, it is unrealistic to think that we can get 100% of our teens to be morbidly obese. Undoubtedly some parents won't want their kids to become sufficiently obese so as to utterly repulse the opposite sex. But society will soon recognize that these parents are just part of the problem, and they will be swiftly shunned into submission.
It is also unrealistic to think that a lot of teens won't get drunk enough to think that sex with a fellow morbidly obese party-goer would be a "pretty good idea", which leads me to the second part of my foolproof plan: Ban alcohol and legalize marijuana, because, let's face it, there is yet to be a single documented case of "pot goggles". And with pot legalized, the kids can still get their altered-state-of-consciousness fix, but they can get it with piles of brownies, guaranteeing they'll stay grotesquely obese for years to come.
It's not only another win, it's a win-win-win, and another problem solved. You're welcome, America.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure your kids know that they have until age 25 to slim down to "obese" or "mildly obese", otherwise they legally waive most of their rights under the Constitution. I recommend extreme surgery or miracle diet pills, but please consult with a physician. If you can't afford a physician, consult a late-night TV infomercial or just ask the Internet.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Will this lead to never uttering the word "jailbait" again?
I am in complete agreement with the Solution, except in the case of Mormons. With them, they're technically pregnant teenagers, but it's acceptable since the father is not another teenager - but their 35 year old "spiritual husband".
I prefer a modest proposals solution, besides the fact that everyone knows there is nothing tastier than baby.... except maybe baby-fed-baby (imagine veal that consumed nothing but veal, it screams succulent)
I would say Mormonism could possible be an alternative answer. Just think of all those fine backdoor beauties. You can even get your "deuce" without them being fat. Also you won't have to share any of your booze with them.
Fuck Wisconsin, I need to move to SLC.
I'm lost.. when did making love to the folds of fatty covered in bacon grease get to be disgusting. This proposal is only going to perpetuate more deviant practices. Then reasoning goes awry: That girl is heavier than farm animals... ding, ding, ding.. my pet hog wins this beauty contest! Nord wanted Man-Cow combinations, well more people are going to try this union "au naturel". Nord is truely a mastermind looking for alternatives to get the ball rolling on human-animal combinations... by attacking the most sexually active demographic and our views on man-imals. Touche Nord.
Post a Comment