Every so often problems come along that the rest of the world can't solve on its own. People fight, argue, go to court, etc., while the general public and the media go along for the ride. While such circuses can be fun and interesting to talk about at work, NordSense feels like they really are just a big waste of time and money. Also, I'd rather hear about real news, like Britney shaving her head. So it is in times like these that I feel an obligation to step in and stop the madness with "NordSense Solutions"- real world, common sense solutions to problems that seemingly have no obvious answers. In this installment, I tackle the question on everyone's mind that a Florida court apparently can't answer in less than four days: Where to bury Anna Nicole Smith?
The debate here is essentially between Smith's former alleged boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Smith's mother whom she hated. Stern believes Smith wanted to be buried in the Bahamas while Smith's mother believes Smith should be buried with her family in Texas, or maybe California or something. The Florida judge, rather than using some common sense and hiring a clairvoyant to commune with Smith's spirit and simply ask her what she wants, has scheduled a four day hearing that has quickly turned into an OJ-style freak show. Regardless of what he decides, no one is going to be happy and the lawsuits and allegations will continue ad infinitum.
This is where NordSense comes in with the only reasonable solution: Don't bury her at all. Judging by the media coverage since her death, it is obvious that Smith is worth just as much dead as she was alive, if not more. It won't matter if she can't talk or even move, she was barely conscious most of the time she was on TV anyway. It is time that TV executives think outside the box (literally, in this case), and Anna Nicole Smith is the perfect place to start.
It was obvious that she was destined for an episode of "The Surreal Life" sooner or later, so why not take things up a notch with "The Surreal Afterlife"? Think about it, Anna Nicole Smith's corpse hanging out "Weekend At Bernie's" style with 6 others at a posh house in Florida while VH1's cameras catch all the crazy hijinks. I'm thinking, in addition to Smith, throwing in Tupac, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson, Nicole Brown-Simpson, Michael Jackson and Barbaro. I know Michael Jackson isn't dead (kind of), but wouldn't it be great TV to see what he would do stuck for months in a house with 5 dead bodies and a horse carcass? Maybe not. But the "things we couldn't show you on TV" DVD would break sales records, guaranteed. Anyway, whichever station picks this up could do some tweaking. It's can't-miss.
They could set up challenges that would become legend, like "Who Can Ride Barbaro the Fastest?", "Who Floats in Water?" and "Who Can Last the Longest in a Night Club Before Someone Realizes He or She is Dead?" I'd put my money on Smith because, as previously mentioned, that's kind of how she looked anyway.
The possibilities are obviously endless, and it just makes sense that this would be the next step forward for reality TV. And so another vexing problem is solved by NordSense - you're welcome, world.
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2 comments:
sorry, Barbaro's carcass was used up long ago. I believe the French president had that delicacy the night he was "put down." It was like veal - the horse was in a sling for 6 months with limited movement. That means REALLY tender meat. You know Barbaro's owners couldn't pass up that last money-making opportunity (this was, of course, after they had milked the horse of all his post-mortem breeding potential)
Damn- did anyone save Lassie's carcass? Or how about Old Yeller? If worse comes to worse, I guess we could dig up Benji's skeleton - or maybe that bear from Grizzly Adams.
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