Terrorists Win: Americans Choose Certain Death

Washington D.C.--

It's official: Americans would rather die than vote Republican. Senators Conrad Burns and George Allen both conceded to their opponents Thursday, completing a transfer of power in the U.S. Senate to Democratic challengers. Democrats also gained control of the House of Representantives in elections held Tuesday.

In what has been described by some commentators as "kamikaze-style" voting, American electors disregarded stern warnings from Republican candidates that Democratic Congressional majorities would result in horrific terrorist attacks at best, and nuclear holocaust at worst.

"It's just a shame that Americans decided life was not worth living," conservative talk show host Sean Hannity said. "Obviously not enough people are listening to my radio program, or this never would have happened."

Meanwhile, terrorists worldwide were giddy at the prospects of a two year free-for-all.

"We are extremely pleased with the results of the American elections," a spokesman for Osama Bin Laden said. "We look forward to wreaking a significant amount of death and destruction upon the American populace while we have this window of opportunity."

Prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were reportedly already planning mass slaughters to occur immediately after their detentions are declared illegal by activist judges.

Exit polling indicated a majority of Americans were so displeased with GOP leadership that they didn't care whether they lived or died.

"To be honest, at this point I would welcome death," factory worker Ricky Busby said. "They can bomb us to kingdom come for all I care, as long as I don't have to listen to those idiots in Congress drone on about 9/11 and the so-called war on terror while they take 75 cents of every dollar I earn and give it to the oil companies."

Shari McElroy, whose son was killed in Iraq while patrolling a neighborhood in Najaf, said that she would rather "die in a hellish ball of fire" than see the GOP in control of Congress.

"They are the ones destroying America, not the terrorists," McElroy said. "If I was in a dark alley and I had the choice between an Arab with a bomb strapped to his stomach and a Republican, I'd rather meet the Arab. At least with him you get a quick death."

President Bush was clearly disheartened at America's decision.

"In a few days you'll snap to and regret this," Bush said. "You'll wonder how you could have been so stupid. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all have felt that way at one time or another. But you get up, you move on and you face the day. It may take a couple terrorist attacks, but by 2008 you'll start feeling like yourselves again."

The threat level in the U.S. has been elevated to Red (imminent) until further notice.