Terrorists Win: Americans Choose Certain Death

Washington D.C.--

It's official: Americans would rather die than vote Republican. Senators Conrad Burns and George Allen both conceded to their opponents Thursday, completing a transfer of power in the U.S. Senate to Democratic challengers. Democrats also gained control of the House of Representantives in elections held Tuesday.

In what has been described by some commentators as "kamikaze-style" voting, American electors disregarded stern warnings from Republican candidates that Democratic Congressional majorities would result in horrific terrorist attacks at best, and nuclear holocaust at worst.

"It's just a shame that Americans decided life was not worth living," conservative talk show host Sean Hannity said. "Obviously not enough people are listening to my radio program, or this never would have happened."

Meanwhile, terrorists worldwide were giddy at the prospects of a two year free-for-all.

"We are extremely pleased with the results of the American elections," a spokesman for Osama Bin Laden said. "We look forward to wreaking a significant amount of death and destruction upon the American populace while we have this window of opportunity."

Prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were reportedly already planning mass slaughters to occur immediately after their detentions are declared illegal by activist judges.

Exit polling indicated a majority of Americans were so displeased with GOP leadership that they didn't care whether they lived or died.

"To be honest, at this point I would welcome death," factory worker Ricky Busby said. "They can bomb us to kingdom come for all I care, as long as I don't have to listen to those idiots in Congress drone on about 9/11 and the so-called war on terror while they take 75 cents of every dollar I earn and give it to the oil companies."

Shari McElroy, whose son was killed in Iraq while patrolling a neighborhood in Najaf, said that she would rather "die in a hellish ball of fire" than see the GOP in control of Congress.

"They are the ones destroying America, not the terrorists," McElroy said. "If I was in a dark alley and I had the choice between an Arab with a bomb strapped to his stomach and a Republican, I'd rather meet the Arab. At least with him you get a quick death."

President Bush was clearly disheartened at America's decision.

"In a few days you'll snap to and regret this," Bush said. "You'll wonder how you could have been so stupid. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all have felt that way at one time or another. But you get up, you move on and you face the day. It may take a couple terrorist attacks, but by 2008 you'll start feeling like yourselves again."

The threat level in the U.S. has been elevated to Red (imminent) until further notice.

Pastor Forgives Gay Masseuse for Molestation

Colorado Springs, CO--

Colorado Rev. Ted Haggard on Friday forgave 49 year-old gay masseuse Mike Jones for molesting him. Jones had accused Haggard of paying him for sex and drugs over a period of three years. Haggard admitted to buying drugs and a massage from Jones, but nothing more.

"I went over there for some meth and a massage," Haggard said. "I guess I got more than I bargained for. But I forgive him-- that's the Christian way. No hard feelings. He'll have to answer to the Lord, and that's good enough for me."

Jones, however, did not apologize and is adament that their relations were consentual.

"Ted came over with $200 and a Costco-sized tub of KY," Jones said. "He told me very explicitly what he wanted me to do. I gave him a massage, all right. I gave him the works."

Haggard, who was senior pastor at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals, stepped down from both of those positions Thursday, citing personal reasons.

"I am just not able to give 100% to my church right now," Haggard said. "I'm still dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted by a homosexual masseuse. It's going to take me a little while to walk this one off, so to speak."

Haggard's 14,000-member congregation has shown unwavering support in the wake of the allegations and has praised Haggard for being a model for compassionate conservatives everywhere.

"We just feel so bad for Ted," New Life member Simon Peter said. "It is so inspiring that he can stand up and forgive the man that did such horrible things to him. Thinking about what happened just makes me sick. Even the thought of the two of them together and that homosexual holding Ted down and-- excuse me-- I just threw up in my mouth a little. Hopefully this means Pastor Ted will be back as soon as possible."

In the prepared statement in which Haggard forgave Jones, he again reiterated that he did not meet Jones with the intention of paying for sex.

"To claim that I would pay for gay sex is ridiculous," Haggard said.

Sources close to the situation said Haggard wouldn't pay for gay sex because he usually has no trouble getting it for free.

But church members responded to the allegations of these additional homosexual relationships claiming Haggard was likely conducting unorthodox Bible studies.

"He always talks about 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,'" Ephraim Goliath said. "He was probably just converting some homosexuals."

Goliath went on to say that there were hundreds, if not thousands of people in his church who Haggard has "miraculously cured of gayness".