Sarcasm Tutorial

Anyone Ever Heard of Sarcasm? A Rear End Tutorial
Originally published in The Gonzaga Bulletin's 'Rear End', Feb. 15, 2002 (in response to angry letters regarding the diversity article):

The thing I love most about Gonzaga is how well everybody understands sarcasm. Since I never write in that style, people have few problems grasping the high concepts and lofty notions in my stories. That is why there is absolutely no need for a crash course in sarcasm, parody and satire: You all just seem to "get it" like it was innate at the moment of birth. Amazing.

First of all, sarcasm always means exactly what it says. If it is 100 degrees in a classroom on the fourth floor of the AD building and I say, "Damn, it's freezing up here," that means I'm cold and I would like to borrow a sweater. If someone down the hall in a dorm is blasting Kylie Minogue at 3 a.m. and I say, "Hey, that song's awesome, could you turn it up?" that means I love that song and wouldn't rather be sleeping. It also means I wouldn't rather be shredding my eardrums with a cheese grater.

Now I know this is some tough stuff, but try to keep up. Say I just got an F on a test. It is likely that some cheery goon might say, "Hey, I aced that test no problem. How'd you do?" I might then say, "Awesome." That means I like getting F's and like it even better when cheery goons discuss their winning grades at length with me.

The same rule doesn't apply to food, however. Say I am at the COG, for example, and someone comes by and says, "How's the burger?" I would probably say, "delightful," which in that situation means the burger definitely does not resemble a sick cat's stool sample. If they then proceed to inquire about the soup, I might again use the catch-all, "awesome," (just like I did about my F) but this time it would mean the soup is gourmet, not that it looks more like the vomit after a Thanksgiving feast.

You should be beginning to see that sarcasm has very few uses. It really only comes in handy when you want to say exactly what you mean and be entirely serious about it. Like after a date with someone who slapped you in the face and told you they never want to see you again, someone is likely to ask how the date went. If you want to be a quick wit and make a joke of the whole thing, steer clear of sarcasm! Instead, say something like, "Oh, it pretty much kicked ass . . ." as you rub your still red and bleeding face. Your friend is apt to say, "Great! So when are you two hooking up again?" This is because they undoubtedly understand sarcasm and your conscious choice to not use it in that situation.

OK, so now I'm going to up the ante. Imagine the possibilities if you could answer one sarcastic remark with another sarcastic remark. It's just too bad that you can't. Say you have to do a horribly long research project for class, and after it is assigned a classmate says, "This project is going to be sweet." You might think you could then say, "What the hell are you talking about? Research is stupid and you are stupid if you like it!" But since the first statement clearly means that the student loves research and loves research projects, your reply would be extremely out of line. But if you feel that the person's statement is completely serious and you're comfortable with it, go right ahead and let fly with the sarcasm in your response. It will further discussion and form the bridge between two widely differing viewpoints. This, of course, will be because you're on "the same page."

Take the "Rear End" for example — with a name like that, how could anyone in their right mind think it to be a page of sarcasm? Couple that with the fact that the Bulletin's "Opinion" section features nothing but column after column of hilarious, clever and biting satire while the "Rear End" consistently offers up only the most serious, droning and banal discourse imaginable. But I guess it's easy to see why you would confuse the two.

So, since you don't need it and obviously have mastered the subtle shadows that divide the serious from the satirical, I have devised the first-ever "Rear End Sarcasm Quiz." Answer all the questions and check your score at the bottom to see if you are a jackass. No cheating.

1) It's February in Spokane which means it is overcast, windy and there is a slight drizzle. Your friend opens the curtains and says, "Hey, another glorious day in tropical Spo-Canada." S/he really means:

a) S/he likes Spokane and the beautiful climate it affords.
b) Winters in Spokane are dreary and no one could possibly do enough harm to society to deserve such a punishment.
c) S/he is from Seattle so it's really too hard to tell.

2) After a drunken Kennel Club member vomits all over your friend's new pants at a basketball game, the friend curses and says, "Sweet, thanks Kennel Club. Real classy of you." S/he really means:

a) S/he is indebted to the Kennel Club for making her once ordinary jeans unique and interesting, and aspires to be as knowledgeable and reputable a fan as to be worthy of Kennel Club membership.
b) The Kennel Club, while a good idea on paper, in reality amounts only to throngs of drunken revelers who for the most part possess little appreciation for the finer points of basketball, yet can debate at length the merits of certain Bulldogs' hind quarters while slinging lewd, crude and rude obscenities at opposing players and officials with reckless abandon in a consequence-free environment.
c) S/he is in the Kennel Club so this stuff "doesn't ever happen."

3) Your friend writes an article in the paper which claims that anyone that goes to a public school is a "fornicating heathen" and should be shunned at all costs. S/he really means:

a) That all non-Catholics are sinners and will perish with Lucifer in the fiery furnace, and we must create a bubble around ourselves and dare not peer out from it, lest we be corrupted by evildoers.
b) That while the idea of keeping a Catholic university aligned with its mission and ethos is very admirable and extremely beneficial to faith and community development, the point of view that some (not all and not even a majority of) people at GU have is very dangerous in that it seems to value Catholicity over diversity and freedom of ideas, thus subscribing to the notions of "old-school" Catholicism which held that if it was not Catholic it was bad. While the Catholic church has moved forward and recognized that good and even truth can be derived from other faiths, it would be nice to see the entire GU community embrace the belief that non-Catholics have something to offer too and quash the stereotype of "the public school heathen."
c) You react before you think and it won't matter anyway.

Congratulations! You've completed the "Rear End Sarcasm Quiz." If you answered "A" to each of the questions above than pat yourself on the back: you are a Sarcasm Wizard. If you answered "B," I'm sorry, but you are horribly misguided and should be banned from ever speaking in public again. If you answered "C," you, like the legendary albino wonder-boy Powder, are made of pure energy and you are about to burst forth through the world like lightning exploding from the heavens.


Copyright 2006 The Gonzaga Bulletin