Casey Anthony: America's Next Top Convict

Apparently the fact that some skank in Florida is not going to prison even though she couldn't explain (and actually lied about) why her kid was missing for a month and then turned up dead a few months later in some swampy woods by her house has some people losing their shit. So much so that she had to have special security when she was released from jail and her lawyers argued she shouldn't have to appear in Florida for probation because of concerns for her safety.

Sad, I thought after O.J. people would have more faith in the American jury system. I mean, they sat through the whole trial right? Obviously the jurors know what happened better than any of us. If Casey Anthony actually killed her daughter there would have been proof because, from what I've seen, she's clearly not smart enough to pull off a murder/body dump without leaving a trail. So congrats, jury and legal system, on another job well done. Now the police can concentrate on finding the real killer - because I don't know about you, but if I were in Florida I'd be pretty upset that there's a child murderer out there on the loose just walking around.

I guess America's legal system will never be good enough for some people. Maybe it's because juries typically consist of 12 marginally conscious semi-senile mouth-breathing rubes hand-picked for their ignorance. Or maybe it's just because we all don't get to have our say. Modern technology has conditioned us to believe we have the ability/right to judge everything- who deserves to be America's next "top" model, idol, talent, and fat marm lady singing annoying opera songs. And, as a whole, we always gets these things exactly right. Just look at Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks- superstars!

So since unlimited voting from anyone with access to a computer or mobile phone is obviously the only way to legitimately choose anything in this country,  I say we put important decisions like guilt or innocence back in the hands of the people who know best - the slobbering masses sitting in front of glowing screens. No more juries, just televise every trial and at the end put up a number so people can text their vote: innocent or guilty.

And why stop there? How satisfying would it be to finally see a Presidential election without all the finger-pointing and claims of voter intimidation and fraud? Just make all the candidates live in the same house and appear on a weekly show where they have to find immunity idols, complete physical challenges, eat bugs and debate each other over who has the worst drinking problem and least common sense. And in the season finale, "election day," Americans vote for their next top President from the comfort of their own homes. No more "polls not open long enough for everyone to vote" in the black neighborhood, just "cellular network failure in Cincinnati... whoops!" Close enough, I say, and a much truer picture of what America wants. Because we don't want to have to hear speeches, read pamphlets and watch ridiculous ads for months on end to choose our leaders. We just want to see them live in a house with people they hate, watch them meltdown, possibly expose one or more as racist, and then decide who we hate the most after magazines dig up embarrassing photos of them from college. It can't miss! And we owe it all to a misunderstood little tart from Florida who definitely didn't suffocate her 2-year-old daughter to death and dump her in a swamp. Thanks Casey!

Mustache Misadventure: Rehberg threatens to protect U.S. judge

For days I've been trying to wrap my brain muscle around the recent hubbub and uproar surrounding the allegedly threatening and supposed unfortunate remarks made by our lone Congressman Denny Rehberg (and his mustache) at a recent address at Montana's state capitol. Maybe I just don't "get" the joke. I personally don't see anything wrong with Rehberg (and his mustache) proclaiming that Federal judges like U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy should be placed on the endangered species list. 

I don't know if it's politically correct, and I certainly would never want to incur the wrath and rage of Judge Molloy or his family, but I can't help but agree with the Congressman (and his mustache). An arbiter of the quality and caliber of Judge Molloy truly is a rare and dying breed in today's judiciary and deserves the full protection and support the Endangered Species Act provides. Judges of Molloy's kind should be shielded from public hunts, at a minimum, and managed in such a way to ensure they enjoy successful breeding seasons, adequate migratory routes and plentiful winter feeding grounds.  They shouldn't have to worry about being harassed, hazed, or even shot by management officials if they wander off their designated pastures in search of forage.  Judges like Molloy are fiercely territorial and need enormous amounts of terrain to roam comfortably.  If constrained to inadequate acreage, studies have shown they can suffer extremely low birth-rates and are more likely to develop potentially fatal maladies like mange and hoof-and-mouth disease.  

Molloy-ish judges, like a thong in the butt crack of a person at Wal-Mart, know why the caged bird sings.

The U.S. Government should work with the State of Montana to guarantee that Molloy-type judges, if recovered to a sustainable population as determined by proper science, are not removed from the endangered species list until such time as acceptable management plans are in place for their long-term security.  Judges like Molloy are too important, too valuable, and too scarce to be subject to the whimsical fancy of politicians and their mustaches.  Rehberg is right, let's get these judges protected before they go the way of the dodo, because with the people in Congress we have now, judges like Molloy are probably our only hope.