Time to Party Like it's 1999 (Again)!

The End of the World as We Know It (or TEOTWAWKI to plugged-in survivalists) is upon us (again) and as the economic meltdown escalates and a Second Great Depression looms, at least it's good to know someone (R.E.M. presumably) can still make money off of it. But also making money are those in the business of survivalism.

I can't blame them. Everyone saw the business model flourish as Y2K approached and people freaked out over the impending collapse of the world's computer systems and started hoarding food, water, guns and drugs in their cult-inspired compounds. Thank God Jesus didn't decide he was ready to come back yet, because now we get to do it all over again. But this time it's worse (for the people Jesus doesn't take back during the Rapture, that is): 911 won't work, water will kill you and if you don't have non-perishable food stockpiled you'll probably starve to death anyway.

Luckily there are people like Jim Wesley Rawles to operate websites like survivalblog.com. If not for him, I would be sitting here like an idiot not hoarding canned food in undisclosed locations or filling freezers full of prescription drugs and burying them in the woods. Without Rawles expert advice, I might still have money in banks. Good luck with that, people who still trust banks. Have fun with your worthless paper bills while I'm living the high life off my garage-sized supply of staples and paper clips, easily purchased with what I had left over after buying Costco out of their entire supply of sewing needles. Raw materials are going to be better than gold in the post Second Great Depression Era of Chaos and Mole People.

Additionally, according to Rawles' site, one of the most valuable commodities in the barter system of economy (which will undoubtedly emerge) will be cigarettes. Apparently this is because in the post-WWII horrorscape that was Germany, cigarettes were the most valuable bartering tool. I guess it makes sense because it is the same way in prison, so I've heard. So I definitely recommend hijacking at least a couple Phillips & Morris trucks to add to your compound. If you don't already have one from Y2K, you should build a compound, preferably with several underground chambers and a gun tower - remember, people (probably from the government) will be coming to harass you and/or steal your stuff. But don't stop there. Having cigarettes on hand will only take you so far. You need to be able to replace them once you exhaust your stockpile if you want to be able to procure goods and services. So I recommend that you go to your local nurseries and buy (steal) as many tree seeds as possible and plant them immediately. No one is going to be able to make cigarettes without paper, and if you have the most trees, you win. Also, you should then have enough wood to make a solid wall around your property to repel the inevitable onslaught of invaders. Remember that most standard-issue ladders reach at least 10 feet, so you want to probably go up at least 15 feet and make sure to line the top with sharp iron spikes or razor wire. Don't forget to include turrets for keeping watch over (shooting) the neighbors.

If you still have goods left from your Y2K stockpile, you have a good start. If you haven't even started hoarding yet, well all I can say is good luck. And for all you cynics out there, you can laugh all you want, but don't blame me or Mr. Rawles when you come crawling across our moats, infected with pneumonia and starving to death when we say "Sorry fellow human, but it's every man for himself around here. Shoulda started hoarding!" Maybe I'll cut you a break and give you some of my paper clips. Maybe.