New York--In a last ditch effort to derail The Almighty's bid to win several congressional and senatorial races this November, the GOP has called into question what they characterize as an inconsistent record. The tactic has put God in a defensive posture, an unfamiliar position for the being widely credited with the creation of the universe.
"People know me," God said in a prepared statement. "They know what I stand for. Deep in their hearts, they know what's best for them and for this country, and they know it is electing me to these offices."
God entered seven different races this year as an Independent. Though many questioned His ability to handle the rigors of running multiple campaigns, He thus far has had no problem meeting the demands of an impossible schedule. In June, God stunned the public by appearing in three different debates simultaneously. Opponents have accused Him of using body doubles and stand-ins, but God has maintained that He personally appeared in each of the debates.
In making other simultaneous appearances, God seemed to overcome doubts that He really could hold several offices at once. But now, the GOP appears to be attempting to force God to answer some of the questions much of the world has had on its mind since first editions of The Holy Bible were printed centuries ago.
"Is God for war or against war?" GOP spokesman Alan Abernathy asked. "Is He for slavery? Is He for adultery? What about the death penalty? Where does He stand on gay marriage? God seems to have developed a very inconsistent record in the book He authored. It's classic flip-flopping, and the public deserves to know where He really stands."
God has stated in debates and other public appearances that He believes the Iraq war was a mistake and that the death penalty "needs some serious consideration." He has called for an end to prohibitions on gay marriage and substantial revisions to the recently passed torture legislation and the Patriot Act, saying the policies are "motivated by ignorance, prejudice and hatred."
But with God in neck-and-neck races with Republican incumbents, the GOP has mounted a formidable attack, this time using God's own words against Him.
On war and torture, for example, God has said in the Bible:
When the LORD your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally (according to the law of anathema). Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. (Deut.7:2-5, 2:34, Num.25:1-5, 31:14-17, Ex.23:33, Joshua 6:17, 8:26).
In the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them--the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites--as the LORD your God has commanded you. Otherwise, they will teach you to follow all the detestable things they do in worshipping their gods, and you will sin against the LORD your God. (Deut.20:16-18).
"These appear to be pretty clear indications that God personally mandated mass slaughters, including genocide, apparently," Abernathy said. "To turn around now and claim to be a champion of human rights seems disingenuous at best."
On capital punishment, Abernathy points out that God has said:
And when a man doth presume against his neighbour to slay him with subtilty, from Mine altar thou dost take him to die. And he who smiteth his father or his mother is certainly put to death. And he who stealeth a man, and hath sold him, and he hath been found in his hand, is certainly put to death. And he who is reviling his father or his mother is certainly put to death. (Exodus 21: 14-17).
"This immediately precedes the famous 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' phrase," Abernathy said. "If there's a greater endorsement for the death penalty out there, I haven't seen it."
God's supporters, though, have pointed out that later Biblical passages directly contradict these statements, chief among them Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount" found in the Gospels.
"You'll see that in the Gospels, Jesus clarifies God's position and that position is completely consistent with the one God is taking today," said Clarence Cartwright, a spokesman for God's campaign. "God is a God of peace and a God of love. God is love, actually."
"That's just what we're saying," Abernathy said. "The book itself is filled with inconsistencies. On one hand He's destorying Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality, and on the other hand He has Jesus saying the greatest commandment of all is 'love your neighbor'. The simple truth is that it's flip-flopping, and God has to acknowledge it."
In a stunning response, God angrily denounced The Bible, calling it "tabloid journalism at its worst."
"Those people [the authors of The Bible] put words in my mouth, and words in Jesus' mouth," God said. "Rumor, innuendo, and hearsay. That's all that book is. I sent Jesus down there to set them straight, but when even that didn't work I gave up on it. I mean, these are the same people that thought the downfall of Man was caused by a talking snake and an apple."
Analysts are already saying God's tirade may have hurt his numbers among evangelical Christians, whose votes He was counting on to help put Him over the top.
"I don't know if I can vote for a candidate that doesn't believe in the Bible," Kansas resident Shirley Smith said. "I need to know that He represents my Christian values, and a statement like that tends to make me think He doesn't. And when He said He was against the death penalty, well that just cinched it."
The bright spot for God in all this, if any, is that He may have actually raised His numbers among atheists.
"He has already come out very strongly in support of the separation of church and state," Brentley Bromile, a political analyst said. "The Bible rant will likely get more secular-progressives out to the polls, and if there are enough of them He may be able to close the gap."
