Bush Declares 'War on Hurricanes'

Washington--

President Bush declared "War on Hurricanes" Friday and urged all Americans to stand united against an "insidious enemy" in an emotional speech from the Oval Office.

Vowing to make the "eradication of hurricanes" his number one priority, Bush addressed the nation for the first time since traveling to the Gulf Coast to witness the devastation caused there by Hurricane Katrina earlier this week. Bush, clearly affected by the worst disaster this nation has ever experienced, nevertheless projected strength and resilience as he called for tougher anti-Hurricane laws and implored lawmakers to give the government more tools to aid in preventing future attacks.

Dispelling any notions that the Federal Government should have been better prepared for Katrina and its aftermath, Bush instead characterized the disaster as a "sneak attack" perpetrated by the "most cowardly of evil-doers."

"These hurricanes have no regard for human life," Bush said. "It is as if they have no soul. Like the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, these lethal hurricanes barreled in with no warning whatsoever."

It was call for calm as much as it was a call to arms.

"These hurricanes are not the white, fluffy clouds you see lolly-gagging around on The Weather Channel," Bush said. "Make no mistake-- hurricanes are a lethal force, and have only one goal in mind: Turning America to rubble."

Bush went on to warn that this would be an unconventional war against an unconventional enemy, the likes of which have never been seen.

"I am confident we can win this thing," Bush said. "But it's not going to be easy. This is not an enemy that we are used to fighting. Hurricanes are made of air. That means they are virtually invisible. We're going to need some new radar, for starters. And some bombs that can blow up air."

Bush went on to call hurricanes "Godless" and lacking any "coherent ethos".

While Congress has been quick to support the President and measures to prevent future disasters, some are questioning the Bush Administration's latest bold moves, such as the mobilization of a growing number of U.S. Army, Marine and Special Forces battalions in and around North Carolina. Recent troop movements indicate imminent military operations will focus on the RBC Center, a state-of-the-art sports arena in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina. The RBC Center is home to the National Hockey League's Carolina Hurricanes.

"If any state, and that includes any in these United States, is found to be harboring deadly hurricanes," Bush proclaimed, "it will be compelled by any means necessary to cease and desist. If you're not with us, you're against us."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told a Congressional panel yesterday that "The RBC Center, in Raleigh, appears to be facilitating extensive hurricane related activities, and has been under close surveillance by this administration." Rumsfeld went on to say that the "group so bold as to proclaim themselves to be the 'Hurricanes' are preparing to mount a substantial assault on major cities throughout the U.S. and Canada."

"Sadly, the group's propaganda machine is already in full force," Rumsfeld warned, "It has become apparent that the entire citizenry of Raleigh is backing these monsters' efforts."

"Go Hurricanes" and "We Love the Hurricanes" placards and flags could be seen lining the streets of downtown Raleigh.

Rumsfeld then produced what he called a "hit list" of potential attacks that he claimed were to be carried out by the group of 25 or so men in over the next nine months. According to Rumsfeld, the Hurricanes were to launch several attacks from Raleigh before invading neighboring U.S. cities starting with Atlanta on September 24.

"It is fortunate that the President and Congress acted as quickly as they did," Rumsfeld said. "Otherwise we could very well be digging Atlanta out of rubble on September 24."

"It will be interesting to learn the whereabouts of these men the day Katrina hit," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said. "I would be shocked to find out they were somewhere playing hockey."

Little so far is known about the current make-up of the Hurricanes. Peter Laviolette, the alleged leader of the group, appeared dumbfounded by the government's allegations.

"I don't get it." Laviolette said. "We're just a hockey team. Do they want us to change our name or something? We're supposed to be something scary. I guess we could pick one of the few racial slurs that football hasn't used yet. . ."

The group itself is comprised of mostly Caucasians, some that have been confirmed to be U.S. citizens. Others hail from Sweden, Switzerland, Czechoslovakia, Russia and Italy. Their status is being closely watched, and deportation "remains an option," according to government sources.

In the meantime, the Hurricanes' assets will be frozen while Raleigh continues to brace for a possible military invasion.