Solitaire Tester Caught Making Spreadsheets at Work

Redmond, WA--

A Microsoft Corporation employee was disciplined Friday for making spreadsheets on company time. The man, Bronson VanVleet, 25, worked in Microsoft's Solitaire Game Testing Division where his duties consisted of testing various demos and applications for Microsoft's most popular Windows-based one-player game. His employment was immediately terminated.

Theodore Zune, a spokesman for Microsoft, stated the company had a "zero-tolerance" policy for violations such as VanVleet's.

"When people come to work at Microsoft, they are not paid to work on spreadsheets and write memos," Zune said. "They are paid to play games. Period."

In a prepared statement, VanVleet said that he was "profoundly sorry" for what occurred, but that "playing Solitaire all day can be a real drag sometimes."

"I can really only play for a couple hours at a time before I need to take a break," VanVleet went on to say. "It's a sweatshop. It's madness."

Microsoft management began to suspect VanVleet was violating company policy last week when a manager approached VanVleet's cubicle to give him a memo. VanVleet was not at his desk, and the manager left the memo on his chair but noticed several spreadsheets windows open on VanVleets computer.

"I saw six or seven spreadsheets open," the manager, Quinton Baxter said. "And they were definitely not work-related. Had nothing to do with Solitaire at all."

Baxter then ordered a review of VanVleet's computer use and discovered that over half of his work time was being devoted to making spreadsheets.

When confronted, VanVleet admitted to working on the spreadsheets, but argued that he was using them to help the company.

"Sure, I was doing some personal stuff with them. But I was also working on some things related to Microsoft," VanVleet said. "I took some accounting in college. I had a strategy- I was really going to save this company some money. I guess I'll have to take my ideas elsewhere, like Apple, for example. Suck on that, Gates."

Baxter stated that the company reviewed VanVleet's spreadsheets and found "very little, if anything that could be of use."

Wyoming Congresswoman Possessed by the Devil

Washington, D.C.--

U.S. Rep. Barbara Cubin, R-Wyo., is the first known member of the U.S. government to fall victim to demonic possession. Cubin, seen in the attached photo reacting to a crucifix during an attempted exorcism, is Wyoming's lone representative in the U.S. Congress.

An animated politician known for irrational outbursts, Cubin had nonetheless not shown signs of demonic possession until just recently, sources close to her said. According to witness reports, upon learning of a National Park Service plan to close the East Entrance to Yellowstone National Park during the winter, Cubin's eyes turned red and she began to spew flaming vomit from her nose and mouth. She then sprouted green, scaly wings and three-inch claws on her fingers and toes.

Onlookers immediately contacted police, who, with the help of firefighters kept the mutated Cubin at bay with a steady stream of fire-hose water and repeated taser charges. Several Catholic priests then arrived at the scene and beat Cubin into submission with a combination of crucifixes, holy water and prayers. The demons, however, were not exorcised, according to Father H.J. McNutter III.

"Unfortunately, despite our efforts, she is still struggling to regain control of her soul," McNutter III said. "We are going to take the night to regroup and regain our strength, and tomorrow we'll be back at it again. Hopefully it will go better than it did today."

Three priests were injured in the attempted exorcism and one remains hospitalized, the Vatican confirmed. Cubin is reportedly being held in restraints in the basement of an undisclosed Catholic church in Washington D.C.

Asked to comment via telephone, Cubin only bellowed "We are Legion!" followed by a string of expletives.

A spokesman for Cubin would not confirm the possession but stated, "Congresswoman Cubin is battling a very serious personal health issue and is extremely appreciative of the support she has received from friends and family and people around the country."

NordSense Humanitarian of the Year: Margaret Trask

Normally I wait until the end of the year to select my Humanitarian of the Year, but when I read about the recent heroism demonstrated by Margaret Trask of Beaufort, South Carolina, I decided I couldn't waste any more time. Congratulations Ms. Trask, you are NordSense's Humanitarian of the Year.

In March, Trask bravely purchased over $1,000 worth of cat food from a local WalMart to save Beaufort's cats from potential poisoning. Trask had already made two trips to the store and was returning for a third when managers asked her to leave.

Prompted by reports of a recall of more than 60 million cans of possibly tainted dog and cat food, Trask decided to take matters into her own hands. Realizing that most cat owners are too stupid to figure out not to buy food that might kill their pets, Trask cleared the shelves of as much of the recalled cat food she could, then went back for more. Like all brave practitioners of civil disobedience before her, Trask was quickly shut down by the long arm of the law.

Nevertheless, Trask's efforts are being praised by cat-lovers everywhere, as well as elderly and homeless people who also rely heavily on the recalled brands of pet food Trask disposed of.

"I can't thank her enough," Mable Hoofenbeck, 83, said. "I can't imagine what would have happened if I would have eaten some of that poisoned food. And it probably was only a matter of time because that brand is exactly what I eat every night for supper. That woman saved my life."

WalMart managers confirmed the brand's popularity among elderly shoppers.

"Oh they just love that stuff," store manager Brian Meade said. "I mean their cats. Their cats just love that stuff. Yeah."

I addition to the elderly, Trask received praise from homeless people throughout the area. Among them is Ed Jeffries, a recent fixture around Beaufort and frequent cat food connoisseur.

"Yeah I eat that sh*t all the time," Jeffries said. "They always pile a bunch of it out behind the Kitty Kennel. I guess it's whatever the cats won't eat. It keeps pretty good, except for summer. I find it goes best with a man can of steel reserve."

"I wasn't too worried about [the recall]," Jeffries said. "I think I've built up a pretty good tolerence for most things in my time out on the street. But I'd still like to thank that woman for looking out for me. Not only did she prevent me from getting a potentially fatal disease, she prevented me from eating for a week. God bless you, Margaret Trask."

God bless her, indeed. Congratulations Ms. Trask. You deserve it.

Residents of Darfur, MN Still Waiting for Relief

Darfur, MN-

A tiny island nestled amongst an ocean of corn fields in southern Minnesota, Darfur (pop. 137) doesn't get much national attention. But its residents are starting to grow as restless as late summer cornstalks waiting for the harvest. They are waiting for relief, and if it doesn't come soon, things could get ugly.

"We've been hearing about this 'Save Darfur' business for a couple years now," Town Alderman Chet Heffer said. "But we ain't seen nothin' come of it yet. The people is startin' to get worryin'. And when they get worryin', I get worryin'. And when I get worryin', someone gets a whoopin'."

Heffer and the other residents of Darfur weren't sure exactly why people around the world would spend time and energy trying to help their little town, but they weren't going to argue with them.

"I was just tickled that they would think of us," town historian Phyllis Sheehan said. "You know it's so rare we even make any of the papers. I just want to meet the kind people that started this whole thing and give them all a big hug."

None of the residents of Darfur recalls asking anyone for help. But now that rescuing their town has become a worldwide cause, they are thinking big.

"I didn't know much what it was all about," Clem McClellan said. "But I can always use a few extra hands around the farm, and my oldest kid never seemed to learn how to talk right, so I'm hoping someone can do something about that."

Down the road, the Murmans have a feral cat problem.

"I'd love to have someone come in and take care of all these dang cats," Earl Murman said. "Seems like I can't even cut the grass anymore without chewing up a couple kittens. My wife is always yelling 'Earl stop choppin' up kitties!' I don't know how much longer I can take it."

The Town Council is hoping some of the relief money will help them finally finish badly needed public works projects.

"The town tether-ball pole has been in need of repairin' for years," Heffer said. "It's been leanin' over like that as long as I can remember. Ain't no proper way to be playin' tether-ball. "

Doris Gadfly, the town librarian, is hoping the library will benefit from some of the assistance.

"We would love to get a new set of Encyclopedias," Gadfly said. "Of course, it's only been 30 years since we got this fine set of Funk & Wagnalls, and most of them haven't even been cracked into yet. So really we should look into getting some new computer games for the kids. I heard Oregon Trail II is out, and I would just love to get my hands on that!"

At the local soda fountain, Harlan Pepper is daring to dream as well.

"All we've ever had for 50 years is Pepsi and Diet Pepsi," Pepper said. "But I kept hearing about this new one they call 'Mello Yello'. I'm a little nervous to try it, but it sure sounds exciting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they can get us some of this stuff."

As with most places in need of international aid, the elderly are the ones who need it most. According to Beth Barton, director of the town's senior center, their bingo cards are "frayed, tattered, and torn" and "you can barely read the numbers on them."

"I really hope help comes soon," she added. "The elders are getting antsy, and when they get antsy, I get the bear spray."

So while politicians and activists argue over how best to deliver aid to this struggling town, the residents of Darfur wait.

"They better be on the way," Heffer said. "And they better have a damn good excuse as to why they ain't been here yet."

Blame God

For those of you wondering why Nordsense has not been reporting news for the last couple of months (and judging by my inbox, "those of you" means "nobody") don't blame me, blame Conservapedia. In March, I reported on the fantastic new phenomenon and stated that Nordsense would not report anything without running it by the good Conservapedia folks to see if it was in the Bible. They haven't been returning my e-mails. I can't figure out why.

In addition to my stand-off with Conservapedia, I have been traveling around the country with the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour, supporting one of my favorite causes- helping dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote (which is long-overdue, in my opinion). If you would like to help dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote, let me know and I will get you in touch with a "Dolphins and Chimps for Change Street Team Leader". More on this to come.

So, since Conservapedia is ducking me and the first leg of the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour is over, Nordsense can get back to the important work of bringing you important stories about important world affairs. I know you'll "all" be relieved.

Oh, and since I know "most" of "you" come to Nordsense for its comprehensive coverage of world events, I'll give you a brief recap of March and April: Florida, polar bears, Moscow, women, Hitler, the Pope, and China. You're welcome.

Conservapedia- Finally!

If you're as tired as I am of being constantly bombarded by liberal bias everytime you turn on a computer, a TV, or open a newspaper, you'll probably be just as excited as I am about the new conservative answer to the liberal lie-machine: Welcome to Conservapedia! The self-described "much-needed" alternative to Wikipedia, Conservapedia claims to "favor Christianity and America" in contrast to Wikipedia which, according to Conservapedia, "is increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American."

Any group that can expose an encyclopedia created and maintained by users made up of the general public for an anti-Christian and anti-American agenda gets points in my book. Right off the bat, you know they are not the kind of folks into conspiracy theories and armageddon-style doomsday scenarios. Also, Conservapedia states it is a project started by home-schooled kids in New Jersey, so you know you're getting nothing but rock-solid research. Sure, they might believe in unicorns, but weren't you really hoping unicorns were real anyway? I know I was.

The point is, I am a fan of anyone who is going to stand up and tell it like it is. Like the following entry about Fox News:

Fox News was started in 1996 in response to the other cable news channels which all had obvious liberal biases. Because of this, Rupert Murdoch decided to start a real new channel which would tell the truth. The success of Fox news over every other news channel is because it is fair and balanced. [1] It has many people on it who work to spread truth such as Sean Hannity who is a great American. [2]. Fox News is best because instead of just telling you what to think, they only report the news unbiased and then allow the viewer to decide. [3].
In 2005 the White House selected Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new White House press secretary which was a great honor for Fox because it showed how well it was presenting the real truth instead of the fake liberal version. [4]

Now that is some journalistic integrity right there. Too many people unfairly pile on Fox News and its journalists for being biased hacks who are nothing but mouthpieces for the Christian right and/or the Bush Administration. Kudos to you, Conservapedia, for your brave characterization of the Fox News network.

But the objectivity doesn't stop there. The Hate Crimes Bill entry concludes with the following statement:

This bill is a blatant attempt to normalize the homosexual lifestyle.

Once again, the cowards in the liberal media would never print such a bold statement of fact. Apparently the truth just hurts a little too much for the delicate psyches of fragile liberals.

Conservapedia's mission appears to become the hardest-hitting, most in-depth reporter of historical fact the world has ever seen. A prime example of their attention to detail is this entry on the Taliban:

The Taliban was a Sunni Islamic fundamentalist movement which effectively ruled most of Afghanistan from 1996 until 2001, when United States forces invaded Afganistan and overthrew them.
The reason for invasion was that the Taliban had ties to al-Qaida (a militant Sunni Islamist organization), the group that is held responsible for the attacks on America, September 11th, 2001.
The Taliban's rule has been characterized by the fact that women could not be educated, and that the leaders were fanatically intolerant of other religions.
In addition, the Taliban had banned all forms of television, imagery, music and sports, which resulted in Afganistan being suspended from the year 2000 Olympics. [Empasis added]

I know I was relieved to find out that the Taliban was successfully overthrown and is not still in existence. I bet Dick Cheney will be happy to find out it must have been someone else who almost bombed him to death Tuesday in Afghanistan.

But not only is Conservapedia a great source of information, it also is a guide to life. Wondering what book to read, or not read, or tell your children they cannot read or they are grounded? Run it by Conservapedia. In its entry on The Da Vinci Code, Conservapedia refuses to participate in Dan Brown's and the liberal media's anti-Christian crusade:

Dan Brown is responsible for feeding millions of readers a pack of lies cleverly wrapped up as a historically accurate novel . . . millions have been presented with a tangled, inaccurate and dishonest representation of history, of Christianity and of Jesus Christ . . . If nothing else, The Da Vinci Code teaches a lesson on how susceptible people are to believing an attractively-packaged lie, and how vitally important it is that the truth is broadcasted earnestly by those who know it.

Amen. Thanks again, Conservapedia, for warning me that Dan Brown's book is completely fictitious. Maybe one day, if we fight hard enough, we can get that book out of the non-fiction section. . .

So from now on, NordSense pledges not to report anything until it's confirmed by the good people at Conservapedia, because I can't think of any better way to make sure something is true than asking a bunch of random people to find out if it's in the Bible.

NordSense Solutions: Anna Nicole Smith

Every so often problems come along that the rest of the world can't solve on its own. People fight, argue, go to court, etc., while the general public and the media go along for the ride. While such circuses can be fun and interesting to talk about at work, NordSense feels like they really are just a big waste of time and money. Also, I'd rather hear about real news, like Britney shaving her head. So it is in times like these that I feel an obligation to step in and stop the madness with "NordSense Solutions"- real world, common sense solutions to problems that seemingly have no obvious answers. In this installment, I tackle the question on everyone's mind that a Florida court apparently can't answer in less than four days: Where to bury Anna Nicole Smith?

The debate here is essentially between Smith's former alleged boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Smith's mother whom she hated. Stern believes Smith wanted to be buried in the Bahamas while Smith's mother believes Smith should be buried with her family in Texas, or maybe California or something. The Florida judge, rather than using some common sense and hiring a clairvoyant to commune with Smith's spirit and simply ask her what she wants, has scheduled a four day hearing that has quickly turned into an OJ-style freak show. Regardless of what he decides, no one is going to be happy and the lawsuits and allegations will continue ad infinitum.

This is where NordSense comes in with the only reasonable solution: Don't bury her at all. Judging by the media coverage since her death, it is obvious that Smith is worth just as much dead as she was alive, if not more. It won't matter if she can't talk or even move, she was barely conscious most of the time she was on TV anyway. It is time that TV executives think outside the box (literally, in this case), and Anna Nicole Smith is the perfect place to start.

It was obvious that she was destined for an episode of "The Surreal Life" sooner or later, so why not take things up a notch with "The Surreal Afterlife"? Think about it, Anna Nicole Smith's corpse hanging out "Weekend At Bernie's" style with 6 others at a posh house in Florida while VH1's cameras catch all the crazy hijinks. I'm thinking, in addition to Smith, throwing in Tupac, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson, Nicole Brown-Simpson, Michael Jackson and Barbaro. I know Michael Jackson isn't dead (kind of), but wouldn't it be great TV to see what he would do stuck for months in a house with 5 dead bodies and a horse carcass? Maybe not. But the "things we couldn't show you on TV" DVD would break sales records, guaranteed. Anyway, whichever station picks this up could do some tweaking. It's can't-miss.

They could set up challenges that would become legend, like "Who Can Ride Barbaro the Fastest?", "Who Floats in Water?" and "Who Can Last the Longest in a Night Club Before Someone Realizes He or She is Dead?" I'd put my money on Smith because, as previously mentioned, that's kind of how she looked anyway.

The possibilities are obviously endless, and it just makes sense that this would be the next step forward for reality TV. And so another vexing problem is solved by NordSense - you're welcome, world.

Groundhog's Day Miracle: Haggard Cured of Homosexuality

Denver, CO--

Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.

"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."

The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.

"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."

Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.

The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.

"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."

Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.

"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."

Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.

"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."

UPS 'Whiteboard' Ads Just Keep Getting Better

People said it couldn't be done, but UPS' new Whiteboard ad campaign continues to top itself. The hip, fresh series of ads featuring the professorial but daddish casually-dressed lecturer gets better with each successive spot. Not pretentious or condescending at all, the "I'll act like I'm your best buddy but really I'm just trying to steal your girlfriend" star of the series comes off as just a helpful guy answering all the questions about package delivery you never really had and would never have even cared about before. Plus he's got a nifty whiteboard and is a wizard with a dry-erase marker. It seems that UPS has stumbled upon the perfect combination.

After I saw the first ad I thought to myself, "Well they really blew it- there's no way they can top this. They are totally screwed." This was the "China to U.S." spot where he turns a truck into an airplane. It was brilliant. But then they hit us with the "Customer Service" ad in which an inanimate package relentlessly e-mails a floating head named Sally until she smiles. I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no way it could get better than this. But then they upped the ante with "Distribution". In this magnificent display of sorcery, the whiteboard magician actually turns your warehouse into a truck and sends it on a distribution-fest to a dazzling array of store shelves. To top it all off, at the end he says "Hey, where'd your warehouse go?" like a mother hiding a toy from her infant child. Fantastic!

Again, I didn't think it could go anywhere but down from here. Again, I was wrong. In "Early Morning Delivery" this shaman of shipping literally turns back time in a superhuman display of other-worldly power. And if that isn't enough, he creates birds out of thin air like it's something he can just do whenever he feels like it. The next ad, "International Shipping", seems to imply that if you send something to a different country with UPS you automatically learn how to speak that country's official language. Now not only is this guy Superman, but he has taken on the qualities of the Holy Spirit, bestowing the gift of tongues upon all who believe in Brown. Next in the series is "One Driver", where the superhuman God of packaging is now creating UPS drivers in his own image and predicting the weather. This ad also, for the first time, reveals in its latent symbology that UPS is a major player in the "One World Government" conspiracy long feared by Christian Fundamentalists.

The next ad, "Reliability", is frightening, yet awesome as it is revealed that UPS package labels can operate as seer-stones for those powerful enough to practice the ancient art of scrying. Our favorite warlock, as expected, is well-practiced in this black art. UPS then drops the ball with "Visibility" and creates an ad that is pretty much worthless. They really should have started with this one and worked up to the others. "Your Small Business" is the grand finale. In this gem of a commercial the conjurer gleefully informs you that he is buying your company, laying off 3/4 of your employess and instituting a dress code. "It's not your small business," he cackles at the end. "It's your small business with UPS."

Amazing. Hopefully the genius-machine over at UPS keeps cranking these out because I cannot get enough of them! I want to learn more from this man. I want him to be my teacher. No, I want him to be my personal life coach. No, I want him to be my dad! Can you imagine getting the "birds and the bees" talk from this guy and his wondrous whiteboard? "It's not sex with a girl. It's sex with a girl and with everyone else she's ever slept with. Let's give you some protection here." How lucky his children must feel.

Undaunted Courage: One Man's Search for Jesus

Omaha, NE--

Bobby McPhee isn't on a mission from God- he's just on a mission. For three weeks now the Nebraska sporting goods store clerk has tirelessly pounded the pavement of his quiet town in search of Jesus, so far without success.

McPhee began his quest while stopping at a downtown convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line he noticed a small flier in a phone booth which simply said "Find Jesus: Eternal Reward" and had a black-and-white sketch of "a scruffy lookin' dude with a nice beard and a mullet," McPhee said. "I figured this guy might be somebody worth finding."

Since then McPhee has put up his own fliers all around town, put ads in the paper, spread the word to friends and family, and has even resorted to going door-to-door.

"Apparently there's a reward, or it's some kind of contest," McPhee said. "And I'll be damned if I'm not going to win this thing."

But getting help from friends and neighbors has proven to be a difficult task.

"It's like nobody wants to talk about it or something," McPhee said. "I don't get it. I think they're trying to win the contest too and that's why no one wants to help out."

When McPhee goes door-to-door he typically introduces himself, presents his flyer and asks the person who answered the door if he or she "knows Jesus". McPhee has been sworn at, called names, yelled at, laughed at, had doors slammed in his face, and has been physically accosted.

"I'm starting to wonder about this Jesus guy," McPhee said. "It seems like he really ticked a lot of people off."

McPhee continues to dedicate himself to searching despite the negative reactions.

"For every one of them who throws things at me or screams profanities, there is someone out there really trying to help," McPhee said.

McPhee has received over 50 Bibles and directions to more than 20 different churches from those he has met along his way. Yet for all the assistance he feels no closer to his goal than when he started.

"Yeah, these books are no help to me, unless they are a secret code, but I'm pretty sure they're not," McPhee said. "I've staked out the churches too, and no one has come in yet that looks anything like the guy. Sometimes I think those people were just messing with me."

Undaunted, Mcphee has resolved to dedicate his life to this search, if that's what it takes.

"The naysayers can naysay all day long for all I care," McPhee said. "But when I win the contest and get the reward, I'll be the one laughing in their faces. You'll see!"

UPDATE: McPhee has since been fired from his job and now searches for Jesus full-time. He is supported by donations set up through his website on Myspace.com.

The Da Hussein Code

Clues to Secret Location of WMD's Discovered in Saddam's Will

Baghdad, Iraq--

A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.

The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.

The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.

"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."

Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."

Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".

The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".

"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."

Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.

"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."

Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.

"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.

"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"

Search Continues for Missing Shoppers

Broomfield, CO--

Crews searching for three shoppers missing at Flatiron Crossing since last Sunday made good progress today and say they are "closer than ever" to locating the shoppers. A much-needed break in conditions gave crews a small window of opportunity to comb previously inaccessible mall acreage and narrow their search significantly.

"We were able to cover much more ground today than any of the last previous days combined," Sheriff Jed McGraw said. "Conditions were such that we moved a lot of people and equipment. We expect to find something in the very near future."

Christmas shopping crowds, weather, and mechanical holiday displays hampered rescue efforts throughout the week and into the weekend. One crew member even had to be rescued himself when he became entangled in a moving Santa's sleigh and reindeer attraction.

The missing shoppers' families, for the eighth straight day, hunkered down with officials in nearby condominiums, awaiting word on their loved ones' fates.

"Again, we are hopeful, and we are confident our loved ones will be home for Christmas," Terry Cinnabon, Tim Cinnabon's wife said.

Cinnabon and two friends, Marla Michaels and Carla Abercrombie entered the shopping complex more than a week ago for what was supposed to be a quick trip to get a small number of items. They knew what they wanted, where they wanted to go and the route they would take, friends familiar with the trio's plans have said. By all accounts, they were experienced mall shoppers.

The route, though not unusual, was one of the more difficult traverses through Flatiron Crossing, according to experts.

"It was not the customary route," shopping complex expert Ted Mallrat said. "It is not something I would have attempted at this mall even in the summer."

The shoppers may have been setting themselves up for disaster by attempting the traverse in December when hordes, weather and holiday attractions make quick shopping difficult if not impossible.

The last contact made by any of the shoppers was a brief cell phone call Cinnabon made to his wife last Sunday. At that time, Cinnabon said they were in trouble, but had found a safe place for the time being. They were going to stay put and wait for conditions to improve before attempting to depart the mall complex, he said. GPS technology pinpointed the call as coming at or near the two-story climbing wall in Gart, a retail sporting goods outlet. Cinnabon's phone has only emitted sporadic faint signals since then.

Mallrat said the best course of action, given the conditions, was for the shoppers to hunker down out of the elements, and that Gart was a sensible place to do just that.

"There are tents there, sleeping bags, hand warmers, you name it," Mallrat said. "If the GPS is accurate, and that was their location, I am hopeful that they did the right thing and have withstood the severe conditions somewhere in the vicinity of the Gart store."

Search teams were hoping to reach the Gart climbing wall as early as this afternoon, but were turned back several yards from their destination by a parade of human nutcrackers and the Polar Express, an 18-car childrens train ride running throughout Flatiron Crossing.

"We hope to get back at it tomorrow," Sheriff Jed McGraw said. "And when we do, if the conditions are right, we expect to find those shoppers and bring 'em home."

Anyone attempting shopping excursions at any large, multi-story shopping complex in the next week should make sure conditions are not too hazardous to make the return trip and should remember to take proper precautions before leaving the safety of your automobile, McGraw said.

"And never go in alone."

Terrorists Win: Americans Choose Certain Death

Washington D.C.--

It's official: Americans would rather die than vote Republican. Senators Conrad Burns and George Allen both conceded to their opponents Thursday, completing a transfer of power in the U.S. Senate to Democratic challengers. Democrats also gained control of the House of Representantives in elections held Tuesday.

In what has been described by some commentators as "kamikaze-style" voting, American electors disregarded stern warnings from Republican candidates that Democratic Congressional majorities would result in horrific terrorist attacks at best, and nuclear holocaust at worst.

"It's just a shame that Americans decided life was not worth living," conservative talk show host Sean Hannity said. "Obviously not enough people are listening to my radio program, or this never would have happened."

Meanwhile, terrorists worldwide were giddy at the prospects of a two year free-for-all.

"We are extremely pleased with the results of the American elections," a spokesman for Osama Bin Laden said. "We look forward to wreaking a significant amount of death and destruction upon the American populace while we have this window of opportunity."

Prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were reportedly already planning mass slaughters to occur immediately after their detentions are declared illegal by activist judges.

Exit polling indicated a majority of Americans were so displeased with GOP leadership that they didn't care whether they lived or died.

"To be honest, at this point I would welcome death," factory worker Ricky Busby said. "They can bomb us to kingdom come for all I care, as long as I don't have to listen to those idiots in Congress drone on about 9/11 and the so-called war on terror while they take 75 cents of every dollar I earn and give it to the oil companies."

Shari McElroy, whose son was killed in Iraq while patrolling a neighborhood in Najaf, said that she would rather "die in a hellish ball of fire" than see the GOP in control of Congress.

"They are the ones destroying America, not the terrorists," McElroy said. "If I was in a dark alley and I had the choice between an Arab with a bomb strapped to his stomach and a Republican, I'd rather meet the Arab. At least with him you get a quick death."

President Bush was clearly disheartened at America's decision.

"In a few days you'll snap to and regret this," Bush said. "You'll wonder how you could have been so stupid. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all have felt that way at one time or another. But you get up, you move on and you face the day. It may take a couple terrorist attacks, but by 2008 you'll start feeling like yourselves again."

The threat level in the U.S. has been elevated to Red (imminent) until further notice.

Pastor Forgives Gay Masseuse for Molestation

Colorado Springs, CO--

Colorado Rev. Ted Haggard on Friday forgave 49 year-old gay masseuse Mike Jones for molesting him. Jones had accused Haggard of paying him for sex and drugs over a period of three years. Haggard admitted to buying drugs and a massage from Jones, but nothing more.

"I went over there for some meth and a massage," Haggard said. "I guess I got more than I bargained for. But I forgive him-- that's the Christian way. No hard feelings. He'll have to answer to the Lord, and that's good enough for me."

Jones, however, did not apologize and is adament that their relations were consentual.

"Ted came over with $200 and a Costco-sized tub of KY," Jones said. "He told me very explicitly what he wanted me to do. I gave him a massage, all right. I gave him the works."

Haggard, who was senior pastor at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals, stepped down from both of those positions Thursday, citing personal reasons.

"I am just not able to give 100% to my church right now," Haggard said. "I'm still dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted by a homosexual masseuse. It's going to take me a little while to walk this one off, so to speak."

Haggard's 14,000-member congregation has shown unwavering support in the wake of the allegations and has praised Haggard for being a model for compassionate conservatives everywhere.

"We just feel so bad for Ted," New Life member Simon Peter said. "It is so inspiring that he can stand up and forgive the man that did such horrible things to him. Thinking about what happened just makes me sick. Even the thought of the two of them together and that homosexual holding Ted down and-- excuse me-- I just threw up in my mouth a little. Hopefully this means Pastor Ted will be back as soon as possible."

In the prepared statement in which Haggard forgave Jones, he again reiterated that he did not meet Jones with the intention of paying for sex.

"To claim that I would pay for gay sex is ridiculous," Haggard said.

Sources close to the situation said Haggard wouldn't pay for gay sex because he usually has no trouble getting it for free.

But church members responded to the allegations of these additional homosexual relationships claiming Haggard was likely conducting unorthodox Bible studies.

"He always talks about 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,'" Ephraim Goliath said. "He was probably just converting some homosexuals."

Goliath went on to say that there were hundreds, if not thousands of people in his church who Haggard has "miraculously cured of gayness".

GOP Accuses God of Flip-Flopping

New York--
In a last ditch effort to derail The Almighty's bid to win several congressional and senatorial races this November, the GOP has called into question what they characterize as an inconsistent record. The tactic has put God in a defensive posture, an unfamiliar position for the being widely credited with the creation of the universe.

"People know me," God said in a prepared statement. "They know what I stand for. Deep in their hearts, they know what's best for them and for this country, and they know it is electing me to these offices."

God entered seven different races this year as an Independent. Though many questioned His ability to handle the rigors of running multiple campaigns, He thus far has had no problem meeting the demands of an impossible schedule. In June, God stunned the public by appearing in three different debates simultaneously. Opponents have accused Him of using body doubles and stand-ins, but God has maintained that He personally appeared in each of the debates.

In making other simultaneous appearances, God seemed to overcome doubts that He really could hold several offices at once. But now, the GOP appears to be attempting to force God to answer some of the questions much of the world has had on its mind since first editions of The Holy Bible were printed centuries ago.

"Is God for war or against war?" GOP spokesman Alan Abernathy asked. "Is He for slavery? Is He for adultery? What about the death penalty? Where does He stand on gay marriage? God seems to have developed a very inconsistent record in the book He authored. It's classic flip-flopping, and the public deserves to know where He really stands."

God has stated in debates and other public appearances that He believes the Iraq war was a mistake and that the death penalty "needs some serious consideration." He has called for an end to prohibitions on gay marriage and substantial revisions to the recently passed torture legislation and the Patriot Act, saying the policies are "motivated by ignorance, prejudice and hatred."

But with God in neck-and-neck races with Republican incumbents, the GOP has mounted a formidable attack, this time using God's own words against Him.

On war and torture, for example, God has said in the Bible:

When the LORD your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally (according to the law of anathema). Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. (Deut.7:2-5, 2:34, Num.25:1-5, 31:14-17, Ex.23:33, Joshua 6:17, 8:26).

In the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them--the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites--as the LORD your God has commanded you. Otherwise, they will teach you to follow all the detestable things they do in worshipping their gods, and you will sin against the LORD your God. (Deut.20:16-18).

"These appear to be pretty clear indications that God personally mandated mass slaughters, including genocide, apparently," Abernathy said. "To turn around now and claim to be a champion of human rights seems disingenuous at best."

On capital punishment, Abernathy points out that God has said:

And when a man doth presume against his neighbour to slay him with subtilty, from Mine altar thou dost take him to die. And he who smiteth his father or his mother is certainly put to death. And he who stealeth a man, and hath sold him, and he hath been found in his hand, is certainly put to death. And he who is reviling his father or his mother is certainly put to death. (Exodus 21: 14-17).

"This immediately precedes the famous 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' phrase," Abernathy said. "If there's a greater endorsement for the death penalty out there, I haven't seen it."

God's supporters, though, have pointed out that later Biblical passages directly contradict these statements, chief among them Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount" found in the Gospels.

"You'll see that in the Gospels, Jesus clarifies God's position and that position is completely consistent with the one God is taking today," said Clarence Cartwright, a spokesman for God's campaign. "God is a God of peace and a God of love. God is love, actually."

"That's just what we're saying," Abernathy said. "The book itself is filled with inconsistencies. On one hand He's destorying Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality, and on the other hand He has Jesus saying the greatest commandment of all is 'love your neighbor'. The simple truth is that it's flip-flopping, and God has to acknowledge it."

In a stunning response, God angrily denounced The Bible, calling it "tabloid journalism at its worst."

"Those people [the authors of The Bible] put words in my mouth, and words in Jesus' mouth," God said. "Rumor, innuendo, and hearsay. That's all that book is. I sent Jesus down there to set them straight, but when even that didn't work I gave up on it. I mean, these are the same people that thought the downfall of Man was caused by a talking snake and an apple."

Analysts are already saying God's tirade may have hurt his numbers among evangelical Christians, whose votes He was counting on to help put Him over the top.

"I don't know if I can vote for a candidate that doesn't believe in the Bible," Kansas resident Shirley Smith said. "I need to know that He represents my Christian values, and a statement like that tends to make me think He doesn't. And when He said He was against the death penalty, well that just cinched it."

The bright spot for God in all this, if any, is that He may have actually raised His numbers among atheists.

"He has already come out very strongly in support of the separation of church and state," Brentley Bromile, a political analyst said. "The Bible rant will likely get more secular-progressives out to the polls, and if there are enough of them He may be able to close the gap."

El Diablo? No!

Guest commentary by The Devil

The world (and underworld) have been all abuzz over the comments made last week at the U.N. by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez calling U.S. President George W. Bush "the Devil". A lot of people down here have been asking me what I think about it and wondering if I thought it was bad form to come to America and call the President names. "Can you believe he insulted the President like that?" they say.

"Insulted the President?!" I said. He insulted me! I've been called every name in the book, from "Prince of Darkness" to "The Father of Lies" to the "Angel of the Bottomless Pit", but to compare me to George W. Bush? That's just wrong. I am hereby reserving a special spot in Hell for one Hugo Rafael Chavez Frias. That he would have the gall to compare me to G.W. Bush is simply astounding. Mentioning me in the same breath as that man was just a low-blow, and it will not go unpunished. Let this be a warning to anyone else (I'm talking to you, Ahmadinejad) who thinks they can get away with comparing me to this President: Think long and hard before you decide to lump me in with this guy, for you will suffer eternally if you do, and that's a promise.

Now, a lot of people might be saying, "Hey, you're both evil, what's the big deal?" Well, I might be The Devil, but I still have standards. I like to think of myself as stern, but fair. When people deal with me, I give them fair warning and they know exactly what they're getting into. Who am I to blame if temptation gets the best of them? Bush, on the other hand, is totally ruthless. He is indiscriminate and altogether uncaring. Take Iraq, for example. My good buddy Saddam and I had a good thing going over there. Sure, he was committing atrocities, but what did you expect, he's an evil dictator? Bush on the other hand, comes riding in on a white horse of "democracy" under the pretenses of "saving everyone", but ends up making it 10 times worse! Now there are things going on over there I wouldn't take credit for even if I could.

See, the difference between he and I is I let people make their own decisions. Sure, I might use a little deception and chicanery to influence the choice, but hey, I'm the Devil. I don't pretend I'm not. I might make promises I don't intend to keep, but at least they know it's the Devil they're dealing with. I'll use every trick in the book, but I won't just impose my will on people. Unlike Bush, I let people dig their own graves. And when things fall apart for the people I deceive (and they always do), I don't continue to lie to them like Bush saying "Oh don't worry, it's all going according to plan. Just tough it out and you'll get your reward in the end. . ." No, I say "Gotcha! Ha ha ha! See you in Hell, sucker! Tee hee, fiddly dee!"

Maybe a little analogy will make it clearer. If someone is drowning in the ocean, I offer the person a choice: You can pray to God, and yeah He'll probably save you, but you'll just go back to your boring, mundane life. Or, you can take my hand right now, and not only will I save you, but all of your wildest fantasies will come true. Then it's up to the person. If he/she chooses God over me, I don't just grab his/her hand anyway! Not only would Bush yank the person out of the water, whether he/she wanted him to or not, but then he'd stick a knife in the person's back and tell him/her it's the only way to drain the water out of his/her lungs. "Trust me, you'll thank me for this someday," he'd say as he goes through the person's wallet. Even I'm not that cold.

This is not to say that Bush and Co. haven't been good for business down here. Make no mistake, a lot of people are thinking it's a good idea to sell their souls lately. But I just wanted to clear the air, get a few things off of my chest and make sure people weren't getting the two of us confused. Oh, and one more thing, Hugo-- it doesn't smell like sulfur down here, it smells like The Golden Corral. Sulfur is much too tolerable.

Coma Victim Grateful for CNN's Real-time 9/11 Coverage

Davenport, IA--

Tom Reynolds wasn't anywhere near Manhatten on September 11, 2001. In fact, he was sound asleep. The whole day. The whole year, actually, and all four of the next, deep in a coma since a tragic slip n' slide accident in August of that year. So when he suddenly awoke early in the morning on Monday, September 11, 2006, he had no idea his world was about to change forever-- or that, in actuality, it already had.

"The nurses came in and told me that I was in a coma for five years," Reynolds said. "After the shock wore off, I decided I had better check out CNN to see what was going on these days. You know, try to get caught up."

Reynolds, just coming to grips with the fact that he had been unconscious for five years of his life, couldn't have prepared himself for what he saw next: the World Trade Center collapsing before his eyes.

"I was back in shock," he said. "I just couldn't believe it. We were being attacked by terrorists, and all I could think was if everyone I knew in New York was ok. I started making some calls."

Friends and family in New York were shocked to hear his voice. At first they thought it was a sick prank. Reynolds was frantic.

"I just kept yelling at him to get a grip, you know, pull yourself together, man," said Ed Hampton, Reynolds' longtime friend who used to work in the World Trade Center's South Tower. "He just kept shouting 'Get yourself out of there! Get a gun! We're under attack dammit!'"

Try as he might, Hampton couldn't reason with Reynolds.

"He was absolutely out of his mind," Hampton said. "There was no explaining anything. I don't know if it was the coma or what, but he had completely lost it."

Reynolds continued to make desperate calls, sometimes to numbers that no longer were assigned to people he knew. Angela Liota, who moved to Manhattan just three months ago, was one recipient of Reynolds' pleas.

"I came home and had 15 messages on my machine, each one crazier than the next," Liota said. "He kept saying I was being attacked by terrorists and that I should crouch under a chair. I really thought it was a crazy person disturbed by the anniversary or something. I have caller ID, so if he calls back I'm screening it."

Reynolds' panic would finally subside that afternoon when, while flipping channels, he caught a report about the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Still somewhat confused by what he had seen, the truth began to dawn on him when he saw a promo for CNN's "Real-time" replay of their September 11, 2001 coverage.

"That's when I started to put it all together," he said. "Man, was I relieved. Of course, I still didn't know if many of my friends were dead or alive. And then I found out that almost as many people have died since then in Iraq- and I had a couple buddies in the Guard back then, so I started to wonder about them too."

Despite the shock, grief and worry, Reynolds says he is grateful that CNN replayed their coverage in real-time.

"You know, if I wasn't able to watch that, and truly believe it was happening at the time, I feel like I would have been missing out on a national event," Reynolds said. "You know, watching that horror unfold on live tv and feeling the resulting shock, fear and trauma was a common experience for the whole country. Missing that would be like missing the first episode of Survivor. I just would have felt really out of the loop at the water cooler."

Reynolds also credits the experience for some of his newfound beliefs.

"Had I not been able to watch the terror literally roaring in from the skies above, I would not be so nearly afraid of potential attacks now," he said. "Not afraid enough, at least, to vote Republican, which I'm going to do from now on."

Despite the initial setback, doctors expect Reynolds to make a full recovery.

9/11 Hijackers Grow Tired of Paradise

Paradise--

Five years after the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States shocked the world, the 19 hijackers responsible are growing restless in paradise. Dissatisfied with their virgins and complaining of false advertising, the Islamic martyrs who earned eternity in paradise on 9/11 now say they made a mistake.

"They made it sound like non-stop pleasure," one of the disgruntled hijackers said. "I mean, 72 virgins! How could you go wrong? But they don't tell you about the nagging- or the emotional problems."

The consensus, according to the hijackers, is that none of them wants to have to "deal with the women" one more night, much less for eternity.

"Virgins are a two-edged sword," another hijacker said. "You know how it is. They all want their first time to be some special, romantic thing. And then they want to cuddle and talk about it. But, you know, I blew myself up in an airplane. What more do you want?"

Another hijacker said that he quickly grew tired of the virgins.

"After 30-40, it started to get to seem more like work than fun," he said. "And that's when they start in with the complaining. Then it's just no fun for anybody."

"I wish I was told about the technicalities," said one hijacker, thought to be responsible for United Airlines flight 93's tragic crash landing in a Pennsylvania field. "Let's say that #5 is a really good lay, and I'd be happy with her for awhile. Well, no, you have to go through all 72 before you can get back to #5. So obviously, it started to become somewhat of a chore."

Other hijackers, however, complained that 72 virgins was not enough.

"It only took me a couple of months to get through them all," one said. "So what am I supposed to do now? Yeah, I had 72 virgins, but now I all I got is 72 sluts. I didn't see that one coming."

"I don't know how they put up with it," one hijacker said of the others who were hoping for more virgins. "If they want some of mine, they can have them. I'm going to put in for Guardian Angel duty or something. What a sham."

The quality of the virgins, according to some, also leaves much to be desired.

"You find out soon enough," said one, " there's a reason that most of them are virgins."

Reports of the complaints were dismissed among Islamic militant leaders, and potential suicide bombers were told that the problems with virgins "were not widespread" and that "they were doing everything possible to rectify the situation."

Insensitive Mascots the Shame of the Sports World

The 2006 college football season kicked off last weekend, and with it the debate resumes over what many see as offensive and derogatory mascot names. People across the country have been clamoring for the NCAA to ban mascot names that make reference to Native Americans. The NCAA last year declined to ban the use of the mascots, but announced they would limit the use of mascots deemed to make "hostile and abusive" references. They may as well have taken a big foam finger and slapped all the Indians in America right across the face.

Not only are team mascots like the Fighting Sioux (University of North Dakota) objectionable, but I don't think the NCAA, or all sports leagues, for that matter, should stop there. What about teams like the Raiders (Oakland) or the Buccaneers (Tampa Bay)? Were all 17th and 18th century sea-going wayfarers cunning rapists and pillagers? I know from watching Pirates of the Carribean (1 and 2) that at least some of them were jolly and likeable. Pirates around the world have the right not to be denigrated in such a way by these irresponsible mascot depictions.

Further, there are a host of animals, from reptiles to mammals, getting a bad rap. Who is to stick up for the gentle American grizzly bear, harmlessly foraging for berries and grubs in the Northern Rockies when teams from Memphis to Montana portray this creature as a ferocious bloodthirsty killing machine? And what of the endangered tiger, one of the most popular team mascots in America? Based on the mascots alone, you'd have to assume that tigers are senseless man-eaters that will stop at nothing before all of your babies are devoured. But you'd never be able to find out for sure, because there aren't even any wild tigers in the U.S.! To even guess that tigers might be fun to hang around, you'd have to be from Inda, or know someone who is. And who knows anyone from India? I guess you could call your computer's technical support number, and ask them, but what would they know? They sit in warehouses all day answering technical support calls. The point is, animal mascots are at even more of a disadvantage because they can't even sue. So you can have a team called the "Furious Field Mice" and portray a red-eyed, evil mouse with fangs in full attack mode and completely get away with it.

To make matters worse, teams are now exploiting natural phenomenons for mascot purposes. I can think of nothing more insensitive than mascots like the Lightning (Tampa Bay) and the Hurricanes (Carolina). Think of all those Hurricane Katrina victims scattered across the country, trying to piece their shattered lives back together. So they turn on their new plasma screen tv's (thanks, FEMA) to take their mind off of it all, and what comes on? A Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, complete with rabid fans chanting "Hurricanes! Hurricanes!" over and over. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. And think of the poor lightning strike victims, recovering from surgeries and skin grafts in a Salt Lake City burn center, propped up in their beds so they can catch a little tv before they pass out again from the pain. And what pops up? A Tampa Bay Lightning game! Outrageous! Lightning and Hurricanes take a massive human toll on our population year after year, but somehow these mascots slipped past the censors. It's like naming a team the "Holocaustin' Hitlers" or the "Slaughterin' Stalins". Of course, no one would stand for that. Maybe the "Murderin' Mansons" would cause a bit of a stir, but probably only in California.

So what is the solution? I think to get away from all the controversey and bickering, teams should adopt accurate mascots from everyday life that everyone can relate to. Because as you know, Sioux Indians no longer raid villages on horseback with piercing war cries. But often they will still take your money at a mega-casino. So maybe a more accurate suggestion would be the University of North Dakota Swindlin' Sioux? You could then easily transfer this theme to other tribes: The Flimflammin' Flathead, Bilkin' Blackfeet, Hustlin' Hopis or Shuckin' Cheyanne. That's five replacement, non-offensive mascot names right there. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to come up with more.

To be fair, we shouldn't be limited to Native Americans either. There are plenty of caucasian people out there that are every bit as scary as the animals and ancient warriors of our past. You could have teams like the Relative-rapin' Rednecks, Jug-jigglin' Jailbait, Mice-munchin' Methmouths, Crack-addled Kid-killers, or Neo-conservative Christo-fascist War-mongers. I think there are plenty more where that came from.

That's just the start- the rest is up to you. Remember, as the fall sports seasons get underway, the team you're cheering could be insulting you or your ancestors with reckless and derogatory mascots. They could also be rubbing a horrible tragedy in your face, like the Pittsburgh Steelers do every Sunday to anyone who's ever been injured or killed in a horrific steel factory accident. And no one deserves that.

Dr. Phil Tells Middle East to 'Get Real'

Washington--

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday revealed renowned television talk-show host and conflict resolution guru Dr. Phil as the centerpiece of the Bush administration's strategy for quelling the escalating violence in the Middle East.

"Dr. Phil brings with him a wealth of experience in these matters," Rice said. "His straight-talk and no-nonsense style is just what this kind of conflict calls for. He won't pull any punches."

Rice, while not promising that the U.S. strategy could result in a cease-fire between Israel and the militant group Hezbollah who on Friday entered their 10th day of fighting, said she was "hopeful that Dr. Phil could be as successful in this arena as he has been with his shows."

The relationship and self-help expert is scheduled to arrive in Tel Aviv Saturday where he will meet with Israeli officials. From there, Dr. Phil will travel to an undisclosed location where he plans to conduct one of his now infamous "Relationship Rescue" retreats for the leaders with direct ties to the conflict. Dr. Phil reportedly has invitation acceptances from Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and several representatives from Hezbollah itself.

"We're going to get down and dirty, and eventually we'll get to the bottom of this whole ugly mess," Dr. Phil said. "It's time for these people to get real- with each other, but most importantly, with themselves."

Dr. Phil was encouraged by the participants' willingness to sign up for the weekend.

"The first good sign in all of this is that the invitations have been accepted," Dr. Phil said. "That the players are willing to show up in the first place tells me that we can make some real progress."

President Bush also seemed hopeful a cease-fire could result from Dr. Phil's intervention.

"I've seen the guy work on T.V." Bush said. "And, by God, he gets it done. Those people don't know what they're in for."

The retreat is scheduled to last two days, but Dr. Phil indicated to the participants that he can extend that "as long as he feels is necessary." It will involve both group and individual sessions, a therapeutic workshop and "fighting fair" seminar. Ultimately, Dr. Phil hopes to accomplish an agreement "everyone can live with" and make each of the countries involved a "Dr. Phil country," which means he would be able to keep track of their progress and hold them accountable if they break any terms of the agreement, he said.

"One year from now I want to have everyone back on the show for a spectacular reunion special," Dr. Phil said. "And if any of this nonsense crops up before then I'm just not going to put up with it."