Hoodie Two-Shoes: George Zimmerman and the Right to Self-defense Against Sweatshirts

In the trial of George Zimmerman, a fat, ignorant jackass may be in the Defendant’s chair, but he’s not the one who’s on trial. What’s really at stake? The future of the oft-maligned over-garment known as “the hoodie.” Zimmerman’s chief argument, of course, is that he was acting in self-defense when he gunned down Trayvon Martin in a Florida neighborhood. That defense, however, hinges on whether the jury believes what Zimmerman and most of America knows all too well: hoodies, and the people who wear them, are and always have been constant menaces to society.

To Zimmerman, Trayvon Martin’s hoodie signaled his peaceful neighborhood’s certain doom. This wasn’t the Mark Zuckerberg Harvard-educated genius-hoodie being sported - hood down - in a board meeting to signal a hip “outside-the-mainstream” twenty-something tech vibe. This was a hood-up, late-night gangster-style affront to Zimmerman’s and his neighbors’ entire well-being. Nevermind that it was raining and Martin’s hood provided him convenient cover from the downpour. If he didn’t want to come off as sinister, he should have bought an umbrella.

As everyone knows, hoodies aren’t for the rain, they are for destruction. Just look at the Dark Lord, Bill Belichick, the evil genius at the helm of the New England Patriots. His signature hoodie isn’t there to protect him from the infamous New England winter elements. It’s there to signal, loud and clear, that your team is screwed. Just look at his inspiration, Lord Vader himself, or any of the various Siths and Emporers of Star Wars fame. The hoodie, cloaking in darkness the faces of evil, meant one thing to the rebel Jedi- they were going to have to fight for their lives, just like George Zimmerman.

Finally, don’t forget the wearer of the most revered, and feared, hoodie of all:  Jesus of Nazareth. Here you have a guy running around the land claiming to be a King, curing and feeding people and spouting off dangerously radical ideas that threatened Rome’s very existence.  All the while, of course, donning the original Hoodie of Doom.

He, of course, had to be put to death. What other options did they have? Let this hooded hooligan rabble-rouse all over Jerusalem for eternity? No, the Romans had to protect their homeland by any means necessary, just like George Zimmerman. And hopefully, if the jury does the right thing, we’ll all breathe a little easier knowing that hoodies, and the ne'er-do-wells who don them, will be on the run.

i "Phone" 6 Debuts Sans Phone, Finally

In a long-awaited announcement, Apple, Inc. released details of its highly anticipated iPhone 6, revealing that it will finally do away with the “phone” and “voicemail” components, opting instead to focus on more practical applications like iMessage, text and “facetime”.  The move was almost universally applauded among consumers around the globe.

“Who actually calls anyone anymore?” said one iPhone user.  “If I’m getting a call at this point it’s either my grandma or a robot. And I really don’t have much to talk about with either of them.”  

“Great move,” said another. “Finally, I mean it’s about time. There’s nothing worse than getting that ring vibration that won’t stop. It’s like, ‘oh I’m getting a message.... wait, no, a call? Fuck. What now?!’”

Apple spokesman H.J. McJobs said the company recognized that the majority of consumers now consider phone calls to be an annoying relic of the past century.

“We realize that it's the 21st century and nobody wants their phone ringing,” McJobs said. “There’s literally nothing worse to the average person than having to drop whatever it is they’re doing immediately and talk with a friend or family member in real time. Now, they won’t even have to make up an excuse for missing those calls. We’ve done it for them.”

A quick sampling of random Internet forums found that people had nothing but positive reaction to the announcement.

“I never thought I would admit this but Apple finally got something right,” user DonkeyDick23 posted. “Now I don’t have to worry about people ruining perfectly good games of Angry Birds with ill-timed and rude phone calls.”

“Thank god,” user SlutBag19 posted. “Now I can finally go on a weekend  to Vegas with the guys without getting a million calls over and over from my wife about what I’m doing and who I’m with. I can just text her and go on with my lap-dance in peace.”

Those concerned about how to contact emergency responders were relieved to hear that Apple has surprisingly partnered with Google to revolutionize the 911 call. “Just hop on your Google Plus and join 911’s ongoing Google Hangout and explain your situation,” McJobs said. “Operators are constantly standing by to respond to your emergency.”

As a backup, iPhone 6 users can also tweet their emergency to “@911” and wait for assistance.

Pee Party

I was finally starting to come to terms with the reality that not only was Mitt Romney not elected President, but that no states were making serious efforts at seceding. Then, to add insult to injury, it was looking more and more like Obama was going to be able to serve out his entire second term without impeachment when, in a flash, the IRS, like manna from heaven, dropped Grace in the form of a bunch of incompetent bureaucrats “illegally” targeting Tea Party conservative groups’ tax exemption applications, apparently (fingers-crossed) at the behest of Obama’s re-election campaign. Huzzahs all around! I mean, I’m obviously outraged, both as a white male and a (totally not-racist) Tea Party Facebook fan. I was beginning to count these guys (and let’s be honest, they’re mostly guys) out, after their almost complete failure to maintain any semblance of relevance in the 2012 election cycle. But now we know why- the oppressive Obama administration sabotaged any hope for the Tea Party through its henchmen at the IRS! Makes the most sense, right? It couldn’t have been because of their quasi-racist, misogynist, McCarthian lunatic fringe candidates spouting off paranoid doomsday scenarios like a Greyhound bus station full of Glen Becks could it? NO way!

I was thrilled in 2010 when the so-called "Tea Party" burst on the scene and was confident this rag-tag collection of seemingly half-witted rabble-rousers would survive, and dominate, the political landscape. In the age of YouTube and instant media these are a refreshing bunch who harken back to a time when you could still tell jokes about executing gays and not have to apologize. I thought Janet Reno killed all the Branch Davidians in Waco back in '93... apparently a few slipped out the back. And then you have "Tea Party" rallies consisting of angry (mostly) middle-aged white Ron Paul voters who (likely) are owners of the entire Left Behind series because, well, you can never be too prepared for the Rapture. And I'm sure none of these people make up the 14% of Americans who believed Obama "might be the Antichrist." Like all good right-wing extremists, they're packing heat.

The Tea Party, at its core, claims to be about small government and lower taxes. And guns, lots of guns. But what they're mostly about is "Restoring Honor." What's honor? Flags and white people, mostly. Fiscal responsibility? These people do it right.  They are the kind of folks with balls big enough to claim the Government is going to suffocate their grandchildren in national debt while they spend their retirement money driving RV's across the country (on roads paid for and maintained by tax dollars), hopping from CVS to CVS filling their Medicare-subsidized prescriptions and cheering while people rant about paying too much taxes.

And now, at long last, they've finally "really" been persecuted. What gall, for the IRS to give extra scrutiny to a group that advocates for abolishing most, if not all of the Federal Government and is extremely "prepared" (read: ecstatic) for an armed revolution against the Obama administration. Come on Barack, these groups should be running amok just like the rest of them. Nobody's going be dumb enough to blow up a Federal building again, right?

Whether anyone from the IRS goes to jail, I'm just glad this controversy has revived these brave bunch of patriots from the seeming brink of irrelevance. I would have missed watching these crowds of perturbed retirees rage against the government on government-provided property with government-assisted hearing/heart rhythms/continence. I'm with them all the way, down with Government! Down with Medicare! If I can't afford Depends I'll just pee my pants like my freedom-fighting forefathers! Free to be me, free to pee! God bless the U.S.A.

Walker, Texas President?

Will Mitt Romney win the GOP primary? Will Rush Limbaugh eat another hoagie and say something moronic? Although seemingly as inevitable as Limbaugh’s lunacy, apparently some people have questions regarding Mitt’s ability to claim the nomination. Mitt Romney isn’t “sealing the deal” with Republicans (come on Mitt, you just have to get her a little drunk.... oh that’s right, Mormon...) and there is even talk of a “brokered” GOP convention. If that were to happen, some prognosticate a “knight in shining armor” candidate could come to the rescue on his/her white, middle-aged heterosexual steed without having taken part in any of the primary elections.

But who could it be? The media has been throwing around the usual names like Palin, Chris Christie, and even Jeb Bush (hooray?). But there is one would-be savior that is getting surprisingly little attention given that he has already promised to rescue the country in the event things get so bad it needs the kind of rescue only he could provide: Chuck Norris.

Yes, Chuck Norris. The Texas Ranger himself, only months into the Obama presidency declared that things were so bad he might consider running for “President of Texas,” assuming it would have seceded from the country, presumably in a bloody race war. Nevermind that when he refers to the U.S. turning into the “enemy of the state,” he probably means “being run by a black guy.”

Also nevermind that he said he just wants to be President of Texas- last time I checked Chuck Norris can be President of whatever he damn well pleases. After all, when Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris. Just like Chuck Norris doesn’t “run for President.” Presidents run for Chuck Norris, usually a 5k, and at the end the winner gets to beg Chuck Norris for a Vice Presidential post, except they can’t because obviously Chuck Norris is both President AND Vice President, and Secretary of Defense too. He’ll let Congress vote if he feels like it, and might even give a State of the Union Address, if he’s in a good mood. There will be no more drawn out debates and procedural stall tactics, filibustering and rhetorical gimmicks. Chuck Norris asks and Chuck Norris gets, or else. No more hemming and hawing with rogue countries and international sanctions and endless arguing with the U.N. over whether there is legal justification for military intervention. You get on America’s bad side and you will immediately feel what it’s like to be on the wrong end of a Chuck Norris invasion.

And that is just what it’ll be, not an invasion by the young men and women of the U.S. military with countless deaths, injuries and post-traumatic stress disorders- just Chuck Norris, solo, roundhouse-kicking ass and taking names. There will be no more nuclear stand-offs, just ill-advised attempts at cloning Chuck Norris technology. They will not get far.

And don’t think we’ll still be talking about debt ceilings and $5 gas. The top oil-producing countries of the world will be paying US to take their oil just so that Chuck Norris doesn’t come over there and get it himself. We will have so much oil it will be illegal to drive in the car pool lane unless your car gets less than 10 mpg, and anyone driving with a passenger will be immediately arrested. Yes, it will be a brave new world, but a world where you won’t have to worry about the government taking your guns or raising your taxes. You’ll just have to worry about not pissing off Chuck Norris, and you’ll be just fine. Like the grizzly bear rug in his house- it’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move. Norris-Tebow 2012? I’m in.

Casey Anthony: America's Next Top Convict

Apparently the fact that some skank in Florida is not going to prison even though she couldn't explain (and actually lied about) why her kid was missing for a month and then turned up dead a few months later in some swampy woods by her house has some people losing their shit. So much so that she had to have special security when she was released from jail and her lawyers argued she shouldn't have to appear in Florida for probation because of concerns for her safety.

Sad, I thought after O.J. people would have more faith in the American jury system. I mean, they sat through the whole trial right? Obviously the jurors know what happened better than any of us. If Casey Anthony actually killed her daughter there would have been proof because, from what I've seen, she's clearly not smart enough to pull off a murder/body dump without leaving a trail. So congrats, jury and legal system, on another job well done. Now the police can concentrate on finding the real killer - because I don't know about you, but if I were in Florida I'd be pretty upset that there's a child murderer out there on the loose just walking around.

I guess America's legal system will never be good enough for some people. Maybe it's because juries typically consist of 12 marginally conscious semi-senile mouth-breathing rubes hand-picked for their ignorance. Or maybe it's just because we all don't get to have our say. Modern technology has conditioned us to believe we have the ability/right to judge everything- who deserves to be America's next "top" model, idol, talent, and fat marm lady singing annoying opera songs. And, as a whole, we always gets these things exactly right. Just look at Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks- superstars!

So since unlimited voting from anyone with access to a computer or mobile phone is obviously the only way to legitimately choose anything in this country,  I say we put important decisions like guilt or innocence back in the hands of the people who know best - the slobbering masses sitting in front of glowing screens. No more juries, just televise every trial and at the end put up a number so people can text their vote: innocent or guilty.

And why stop there? How satisfying would it be to finally see a Presidential election without all the finger-pointing and claims of voter intimidation and fraud? Just make all the candidates live in the same house and appear on a weekly show where they have to find immunity idols, complete physical challenges, eat bugs and debate each other over who has the worst drinking problem and least common sense. And in the season finale, "election day," Americans vote for their next top President from the comfort of their own homes. No more "polls not open long enough for everyone to vote" in the black neighborhood, just "cellular network failure in Cincinnati... whoops!" Close enough, I say, and a much truer picture of what America wants. Because we don't want to have to hear speeches, read pamphlets and watch ridiculous ads for months on end to choose our leaders. We just want to see them live in a house with people they hate, watch them meltdown, possibly expose one or more as racist, and then decide who we hate the most after magazines dig up embarrassing photos of them from college. It can't miss! And we owe it all to a misunderstood little tart from Florida who definitely didn't suffocate her 2-year-old daughter to death and dump her in a swamp. Thanks Casey!

Mustache Misadventure: Rehberg threatens to protect U.S. judge

For days I've been trying to wrap my brain muscle around the recent hubbub and uproar surrounding the allegedly threatening and supposed unfortunate remarks made by our lone Congressman Denny Rehberg (and his mustache) at a recent address at Montana's state capitol. Maybe I just don't "get" the joke. I personally don't see anything wrong with Rehberg (and his mustache) proclaiming that Federal judges like U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy should be placed on the endangered species list. 

I don't know if it's politically correct, and I certainly would never want to incur the wrath and rage of Judge Molloy or his family, but I can't help but agree with the Congressman (and his mustache). An arbiter of the quality and caliber of Judge Molloy truly is a rare and dying breed in today's judiciary and deserves the full protection and support the Endangered Species Act provides. Judges of Molloy's kind should be shielded from public hunts, at a minimum, and managed in such a way to ensure they enjoy successful breeding seasons, adequate migratory routes and plentiful winter feeding grounds.  They shouldn't have to worry about being harassed, hazed, or even shot by management officials if they wander off their designated pastures in search of forage.  Judges like Molloy are fiercely territorial and need enormous amounts of terrain to roam comfortably.  If constrained to inadequate acreage, studies have shown they can suffer extremely low birth-rates and are more likely to develop potentially fatal maladies like mange and hoof-and-mouth disease.  

Molloy-ish judges, like a thong in the butt crack of a person at Wal-Mart, know why the caged bird sings.

The U.S. Government should work with the State of Montana to guarantee that Molloy-type judges, if recovered to a sustainable population as determined by proper science, are not removed from the endangered species list until such time as acceptable management plans are in place for their long-term security.  Judges like Molloy are too important, too valuable, and too scarce to be subject to the whimsical fancy of politicians and their mustaches.  Rehberg is right, let's get these judges protected before they go the way of the dodo, because with the people in Congress we have now, judges like Molloy are probably our only hope.

Hole-by-Hole, the Year of the Tiger

Tiger's recently exposed sexual adventures definitely give new meaning to foxsports.com's "Tiger Tracker: hole-by-hole updates". I think the slew of tabloid Tiger press the last five months has been enough of a "hole-by-hole update" in and of itself.

The sad thing is that none of this would be happening (i.e. no one would be freaking) if Earl Woods would've just had the foresight to raise Tiger to be a football star instead of a golf phenom. Rape, murder, mayhem? Irrelevant in the NFL if you're winning Super Bowls. You think Tiger's harem of harlots is going to make a dent in that scene? But no, Earl had to stick him with the crusty country club crowd.

Shame on you, Earl. Of all sports/hobbies/talents, you pick the absolute worst for a sex-crazed psychopath like Tiger. Growing up around nothing but poles and holes day in and day out, with nothing but "Put it in the hole Tiger" ringing in his ears all the time, what did you think was going to happen? Let this be a warning to all aspiring glory-hungry parents not good enough at anything so they have to push their kids into sports they may or may not have had any interest in - don't be shocked and surprised when your kid ends up getting arrested at a donkey show in Tijauana because he never had pets or friends growing up like normal kids.

As for Tiger, if he starts blowing putts all over the place this weekend, you'll know the therapy is working. Holes are bad now, Tiger. Forget everything you thought you knew. Holes are bad.

NordSense now #1 among Sex Robots

If you've strolled through the comment section of any of my posts lately you'll notice the Asian Sex Robot Invasion has begun! It's a total blast, and it gets better everyday. And the nice thing about Asian sex robots is they really don't care if I post anything, they're just excited to have a box to play in... which it turns out is true for most people. You see, we and Asian sex robots are not so different, and that is the lesson we can learn here. Asian sex robots, though annoying at times, are really just here to help us better understand ourselves, and why so many of us need Asian robot sex, apparently.

Susan Boyle

A co-worker was listening to Susan Boyle in her cubicle the other day. Yeah, she's a great success story and all, but I think someone forgot to tell her we already have a Celine Dion, and we definitely don't need another one, ever.

Tribute?

Change the pic on this reversible zombie shirt to a Michael Jackson circa nose problems face and I'm sold. That's some scary shit!

Jon & Kate Update

Apparently Jon & Kate from that awesome reality show on TLC are planning a big announcement. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for double-suicide. C'mon Jon & Kate, do it for the kids.

Twittersweet Symphony

I never thought I would dignify Twitter with more than 5 seconds of brain power, but then again I didn't think I would ever watch a full season of American Idol, either. The downward spiral continues. Speaking of downward spirals, the reason for this Twitter tangent in the first place: Trent Reznor.

In a recent interview, the (former) Hard-Core-Goth-Industrial-Turn-Your-Kids-Into-Devil-Worshippers-Rock-God-Bad-Ass said Marilyn Manson had "become a dopey clown," which is actually kind of funny (cause it's true). But taking cheap shots at the (former) Antichrist Superstar is not all that Reznor's been up to. According to the article:

Earlier this year, Reznor engaged in a Twitter battle with Chris Cornell after offering a less-than-enthusiastic review of Cornell’s album Scream.

Really? The Nine-Inch-Nails rock icon in a "Twitter battle" with someone? And with Chris Cornell, no less, another (former) hard rock icon? What has the world come to? I would totally expect this out of Brett Michaels and his hair band ilk, and obviously pretty much anyone in the rap/R & B genre, but Reznor and Cornell? Actually, after Audioslave I can see it from Cornell, but Reznor is a disappointment.

For some reason I guess I actually thought Reznor had to be as hard-core has his music would imply, if only because it seems like you'd have to be pretty intense to produce the stuff he does. But then again I used to think the same thing about Metallica, so I really should have known better. It's just a bit of a let down that now whenever I hear a bad-ass Nine Inch Nails song I'm going to picture Trent Reznor Twitter-battling his latest nemises in between takes. "Sorry guys, gotta lay down that vocal track tomorrow. Cornell's really hammering me on Twitter right now."

It's just another example of how the Internets are helping celebrities destroy themselves better than they ever could before. They just can't help it. Gone are the good old days when recording artists talked shit to each other in their videos and album liner notes, with the occasional back-stage melee thrown in for good measure. Now, with their very own blog feuds and Twitter battles, it's easier than ever for stars to prove who's the bigger self-important jackass. (Spoiler: It's a tie between all of them). And if you're wondering whether a winner has been declared in the Reznor-Cornell Twitter spat, don't - they both lose.

American Idol is So Gay

Not gay as in homosexual gay, but gay in that it is so gay that America was too afraid to make a gay American Idol. Really? You'd rather give the trophy to the poor man's John Mayer just because he's straight and Christian? Oh, but you're the same people that fawn over all the gay figure skaters in the Olympics and watch night after night of prime-time television written mostly by homosexual Jews.

"Will & Grace is so funny, and I know it's fiction so there's nothing to be afraid of."

I'll admit I was getting a little scared. With the election of a black man as President I was starting to worry that this country was forgetting everything it was founded on (fear and hatred). Thank Science we have social experiments like American Idol to prove otherwise.

Not that it really matters anyway, and in a way, I'm actually glad Adam Lambert isn't the American Idol. That is a stank that doesn't wash off- it's like a big nasty asterisk at the end of any great career- Kelly Clarkson *American Idol; Carrie Underwood *American Idol... Adam doesn't need American Idol, and he doesn't need a bunch of do-gooding Danny Gokey fans to validate his talent. He is going to dominate the music scene, and when he does, he won't have the "well he won American Idol, the show is manufacturing his career" stigma.

It's just amazing that millions of people felt the need to prevent Lambert from winning, rather than voting because they truly were fans of the other guy, which is obviously what ended up happening. Like Adam Lambert winning American Idol would be some kind of threat to humanity. Because if a gay wins American Idol, all the kids are going to decide to be gay!! The horror! It's the same type of people that think gay marriage and government bailouts are going to trigger the apocalypse. But that's OK, if these people "feel better" knowing that Adam Lambert is not the American Idol, that's fine. They don't have to buy his records, watch him on TV winning Grammys, or read the thousands of magazines he'll undoubtedly be on the cover of in the coming decades. They'll probably get a little tired of hearing him all over the radio, but at least they can still turn on Rush and go to sleep knowing they did their part to keep America safe, and the AI trophy out of Lamberts gay little hands, cause God knows what he'd go home and do with it! Congrats, America, for keeping it a "family" show...

Here's the scary gay making people gay with his voice and terrorizing the masses:

What's the Square Root of 'Retarded'?

These are desperate times, and people are apparently increasingly desperate for something to celebrate. Today, for example, is "Square Root Day" for "math fans" across the world. It is "Square Root Day", they say, because the date is 03/03/09 and the square root of 9 is 3. The last "Square Root Day" was supposedly 02/02/04, and the next will be 04/04/16. Amazing.

I hate to be a buzz killington, (actually I don't), but these alleged "math fans" are not only pathetic, they are pathetically wrong. I don't know if anyone's told them, and I can't be the first to point out, that today is actually 03/03/2009, which would mean "Square Root Day" 03/03/09 actually took place exactly 2000 years ago, on March 3, 0009 C.E. And technically, much to the chagrin of "math fans" everywhere, the last real "Square Root Day" actually occurred on December 12, 144 C.E., and will never occur again as long as we use a Gregorian calendar.

Sorry "math fans", but your "Square Root Day" is a fraud. I thought "math fans" were more precise than this, but I guess when you're a "math fan" you take your excitement where you can get it. So have fun when you write the date today, and bask in the wonderment that you'll never have a fake "Square Root Day" again for seven years. Or don't think about it at all and you probably won't even notice.

Shocker of the Week

Anybody see a problem letting this guy "take care" of your kids for awhile? Apparently these people didn't. And, in the shocker of the week, he has been arrested for allegedly sexually abusing at least a couple of kids at the day care he owned and operated out of his house.

Who'd have thunk it? Looks like a huggable old buddy bear of a guy to me. I mean, if I saw him at the park grab-assing kids on the merry-go-round I'd be sure he's just a playful old prankster that loves a good game of butt-tag, definitely not a skeezy pathological chomo. But what do I know? I guess these days you just can't trust anyone, not even sketchy Jerry from down the street who always has kids over...

What is a parent to do? I suppose maybe NOT handing Billy and Suzy over to the guy who might as well have "I AM GOING TO MOLEST YOUR CHILDREN" tattooed on his forehead would be a good start. Any parent who thought it was a good idea to leave their kids with this guy should probably get the same prison sentence he does. Unless I'm being too harsh and he just doesn't photograph well...

Barackalypse Now

Be careful what you ask for, America. As of today, you have just over 74 days until Barack Obama is officially installed as the leader of the free world, thus precipitating Armageddon (finally). Time to "friend" Jesus (if you haven't already) and you better hope he accepts!

Of all the reasons to be afraid of Obama (he's black, he's Muslim, he's liberal, he's a terrorist, he's an alien, he's a zombie, he's Dracula), I think the best is that he is the Anti-Christ. It's about time someone finally stepped up to the plate on this one. There have been some good runs (Hitler, Stalin, Hussein, Bush), but so far no one has been able to trigger a full-on apocalypse. If Obama is as good as promised, we should be in for some good Rapturing come January.

Personally, I'm looking forward to it. A lot of people are all doom and gloom over this, but I say having a date certain for the end of the world is fantastic. Now I can stop caring about work, saving money and worrying about the "future" all the time. Wait, I pretty much already don't do any of those things. Well at least I can stop wondering whether I should start doing any of those things. And I guess I should get in with a church or two, just in case. I already have an "I love Jesus" trucker hat, so I should be good to go, but you can never be too sure.



Also, it's good knowing that our actions no longer have any real consequences. We can give up on the whole "going green" thing because really, I think the environment is going to be the least of the problems for those "left behind." Similarly, I no longer have to worry if it's "bad for me" to drink all day and eat pizza, which I plan on doing for the next 74.5 days.

So turn those frowns upside down, Americans. Party like you've got less than 3 months to live, 'cause it's true! Also, in case you were wondering, because an African-American has finally been elected President, black jokes are OK again and you can quote Blazing Saddles without being racist.

Time to Party Like it's 1999 (Again)!

The End of the World as We Know It (or TEOTWAWKI to plugged-in survivalists) is upon us (again) and as the economic meltdown escalates and a Second Great Depression looms, at least it's good to know someone (R.E.M. presumably) can still make money off of it. But also making money are those in the business of survivalism.

I can't blame them. Everyone saw the business model flourish as Y2K approached and people freaked out over the impending collapse of the world's computer systems and started hoarding food, water, guns and drugs in their cult-inspired compounds. Thank God Jesus didn't decide he was ready to come back yet, because now we get to do it all over again. But this time it's worse (for the people Jesus doesn't take back during the Rapture, that is): 911 won't work, water will kill you and if you don't have non-perishable food stockpiled you'll probably starve to death anyway.

Luckily there are people like Jim Wesley Rawles to operate websites like survivalblog.com. If not for him, I would be sitting here like an idiot not hoarding canned food in undisclosed locations or filling freezers full of prescription drugs and burying them in the woods. Without Rawles expert advice, I might still have money in banks. Good luck with that, people who still trust banks. Have fun with your worthless paper bills while I'm living the high life off my garage-sized supply of staples and paper clips, easily purchased with what I had left over after buying Costco out of their entire supply of sewing needles. Raw materials are going to be better than gold in the post Second Great Depression Era of Chaos and Mole People.

Additionally, according to Rawles' site, one of the most valuable commodities in the barter system of economy (which will undoubtedly emerge) will be cigarettes. Apparently this is because in the post-WWII horrorscape that was Germany, cigarettes were the most valuable bartering tool. I guess it makes sense because it is the same way in prison, so I've heard. So I definitely recommend hijacking at least a couple Phillips & Morris trucks to add to your compound. If you don't already have one from Y2K, you should build a compound, preferably with several underground chambers and a gun tower - remember, people (probably from the government) will be coming to harass you and/or steal your stuff. But don't stop there. Having cigarettes on hand will only take you so far. You need to be able to replace them once you exhaust your stockpile if you want to be able to procure goods and services. So I recommend that you go to your local nurseries and buy (steal) as many tree seeds as possible and plant them immediately. No one is going to be able to make cigarettes without paper, and if you have the most trees, you win. Also, you should then have enough wood to make a solid wall around your property to repel the inevitable onslaught of invaders. Remember that most standard-issue ladders reach at least 10 feet, so you want to probably go up at least 15 feet and make sure to line the top with sharp iron spikes or razor wire. Don't forget to include turrets for keeping watch over (shooting) the neighbors.

If you still have goods left from your Y2K stockpile, you have a good start. If you haven't even started hoarding yet, well all I can say is good luck. And for all you cynics out there, you can laugh all you want, but don't blame me or Mr. Rawles when you come crawling across our moats, infected with pneumonia and starving to death when we say "Sorry fellow human, but it's every man for himself around here. Shoulda started hoarding!" Maybe I'll cut you a break and give you some of my paper clips. Maybe.

NordSense Humanitarians of the Year: Doug and Jackie Christie

With only 3 months remaining in 2008, NBA "power couple" (huh?) Doug and Jackie Christie have locked up the highly coveted NordSense Humanitarian(s) of the Year Award. It marks the first time in the history of the award that co-winners have been named.

Last year's winner, Margaret Trask, earned the honor by courageously purchasing thousands of dollars worth of cat food to save the miserable creatures from potential poisoning. This year, Doug and Jackie Christie have seemingly raised the bar by pledging to buy 3,000 shares of corporate stock to assist with the AIG crises and "raise awareness and promote others to do the same."

According to the article, the Christies simply could not stand by and watch as one of the world's largest insurance companies faced imminent disaster, and called on all Americans to do the same:

'"We encourage all our fellow men and woman to buy at least two stocks to help with the global economic crisis," said Jackie Christie. "We want everyone to step up and help in any way that they can. This is a huge crisis we face, but together we can make a difference. Do not just sit by and watch."'

I can't applaud these people enough. If there's any cause more worthy of the world's attention than an insurance company in danger of collapse, I can't think of one. I really hope other celebrity do-gooders like Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates follow in the Christies' heroic footsteps so we can stop hearing about trivial causes like poverty, AIDS and lack of education in third-world countries. Time to get with the program guys, and starting helping out those who need it most- insurance companies!

So big thanks to Doug and Jackie Christie for calling attention to AIG's financial woes. I don't know what I would do in a world without AIG. I especially wouldn't know how to enjoy the NCAA tournament without all of those awesome AIG ads every other timeout. And now I have another excuse not to give money to poor people. "Sorry, pardner, I'd love to help you find shelter for the night and a warm meal, but Doug and Jackie Christie have made me realize that it's my duty as an American to buy corporate stock so some CEO doesn't have to sell one of his houses or, God forbid, one of his African big-game hunting farms. Maybe next time."

Doug and Jackie Christie, the world owes you.

Something to shoot for

There are people who set the bar, and then there are people who drive their drunk asses right over it. . .

Christian the Lion

The other day someone at work sent this out to the entire office:



Now, ignoring the immediately obvious latent bestial overtones for a moment, something else about this video disturbed me. No, it wasn't the fact that two goofy longhairs apparently need to hand-raise a lion, release it to the wild and have it "remember" them years later to validate their existence, although now that I think about it that is mildly upsetting. No, it's the sentiment at the end that made me say "Whaaa?"

"Love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. Get back in touch with someone today."

Really? I should get in touch with someone (who I probably have a very good reason for NOT keeping in touch with) just because some hipster doofuses think a lion is their best friend since after being away for a few years it recognized them as the source of every meal it ever ate from the time it was born until it was fully grown? I just had to check again to be sure, and yes, the posters of the video are actually suggesting people should get in touch with someone they have neglected apparently because this lion, for some reason, decided not to rip the faces off these people. I can imagine just how such a scenario would go down, and contrary to the video's suggestion, it won't be pretty:

Son: Hi Dad.

Dad: Son? Is that really you?

Son: Yes Dad, it's me. I know it's been awhile. Well, awhile is 30 years. And I know I told you to fuck off, and never speak to me again. And I know I said I wished I was adopted. And I know I said I wished you wouldn't have survived the car accident. But you know, I've been thinking, and I think I want to get back in touch with you.

Dad: Really? Wow, I mean, this is really shocking. I gave you up for dead, basically. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I started drinking again, actually. But this is what I've been praying for and dreaming about, to have you in my life again. I'm willing to start over if you are. You want to get together for coffee or something, just to start out?

Son: Sure, Dad. I'd really like that.

Dad: Great, terrific! So what happened, what made you pick up the phone all of a sudden, after all these years and after everything that happened?

Son: Well, it was a video someone at work sent me on youtube, actually. You see, these guys found a baby lion and didn't want to let it die so they fed it until it was full grown. They were the best of friends. But it was too big to keep in town then. So they actually released it into the wild, in Africa. It was hard to say goodbye to the lion. But they knew it was for the best. Then they started to miss the lion. After all, they were the best of friends. Oh, and they named it Christian. So they missed the lion, because they were the best of friends, and after a number of years they went back to Africa to find it. People said they were crazy, that Christian would rip their faces off. But they didn't believe them. They were best of friends with Christian, the lion. And it turns out, when they went back, the lion recognized them immediately and came charging down the hill - not to tear their faces off, but to leap into their arms and give them a big hug. So after watching that I thought, 'You know, love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. I should get in touch with someone today.' So I picked up the phone.

Dad: Fuck you. [click].