Hoodie Two-Shoes: George Zimmerman and the Right to Self-defense Against Sweatshirts

In the trial of George Zimmerman, a fat, ignorant jackass may be in the Defendant’s chair, but he’s not the one who’s on trial. What’s really at stake? The future of the oft-maligned over-garment known as “the hoodie.” Zimmerman’s chief argument, of course, is that he was acting in self-defense when he gunned down Trayvon Martin in a Florida neighborhood. That defense, however, hinges on whether the jury believes what Zimmerman and most of America knows all too well: hoodies, and the people who wear them, are and always have been constant menaces to society.

To Zimmerman, Trayvon Martin’s hoodie signaled his peaceful neighborhood’s certain doom. This wasn’t the Mark Zuckerberg Harvard-educated genius-hoodie being sported - hood down - in a board meeting to signal a hip “outside-the-mainstream” twenty-something tech vibe. This was a hood-up, late-night gangster-style affront to Zimmerman’s and his neighbors’ entire well-being. Nevermind that it was raining and Martin’s hood provided him convenient cover from the downpour. If he didn’t want to come off as sinister, he should have bought an umbrella.

As everyone knows, hoodies aren’t for the rain, they are for destruction. Just look at the Dark Lord, Bill Belichick, the evil genius at the helm of the New England Patriots. His signature hoodie isn’t there to protect him from the infamous New England winter elements. It’s there to signal, loud and clear, that your team is screwed. Just look at his inspiration, Lord Vader himself, or any of the various Siths and Emporers of Star Wars fame. The hoodie, cloaking in darkness the faces of evil, meant one thing to the rebel Jedi- they were going to have to fight for their lives, just like George Zimmerman.

Finally, don’t forget the wearer of the most revered, and feared, hoodie of all:  Jesus of Nazareth. Here you have a guy running around the land claiming to be a King, curing and feeding people and spouting off dangerously radical ideas that threatened Rome’s very existence.  All the while, of course, donning the original Hoodie of Doom.

He, of course, had to be put to death. What other options did they have? Let this hooded hooligan rabble-rouse all over Jerusalem for eternity? No, the Romans had to protect their homeland by any means necessary, just like George Zimmerman. And hopefully, if the jury does the right thing, we’ll all breathe a little easier knowing that hoodies, and the ne'er-do-wells who don them, will be on the run.

i "Phone" 6 Debuts Sans Phone, Finally

In a long-awaited announcement, Apple, Inc. released details of its highly anticipated iPhone 6, revealing that it will finally do away with the “phone” and “voicemail” components, opting instead to focus on more practical applications like iMessage, text and “facetime”.  The move was almost universally applauded among consumers around the globe.

“Who actually calls anyone anymore?” said one iPhone user.  “If I’m getting a call at this point it’s either my grandma or a robot. And I really don’t have much to talk about with either of them.”  

“Great move,” said another. “Finally, I mean it’s about time. There’s nothing worse than getting that ring vibration that won’t stop. It’s like, ‘oh I’m getting a message.... wait, no, a call? Fuck. What now?!’”

Apple spokesman H.J. McJobs said the company recognized that the majority of consumers now consider phone calls to be an annoying relic of the past century.

“We realize that it's the 21st century and nobody wants their phone ringing,” McJobs said. “There’s literally nothing worse to the average person than having to drop whatever it is they’re doing immediately and talk with a friend or family member in real time. Now, they won’t even have to make up an excuse for missing those calls. We’ve done it for them.”

A quick sampling of random Internet forums found that people had nothing but positive reaction to the announcement.

“I never thought I would admit this but Apple finally got something right,” user DonkeyDick23 posted. “Now I don’t have to worry about people ruining perfectly good games of Angry Birds with ill-timed and rude phone calls.”

“Thank god,” user SlutBag19 posted. “Now I can finally go on a weekend  to Vegas with the guys without getting a million calls over and over from my wife about what I’m doing and who I’m with. I can just text her and go on with my lap-dance in peace.”

Those concerned about how to contact emergency responders were relieved to hear that Apple has surprisingly partnered with Google to revolutionize the 911 call. “Just hop on your Google Plus and join 911’s ongoing Google Hangout and explain your situation,” McJobs said. “Operators are constantly standing by to respond to your emergency.”

As a backup, iPhone 6 users can also tweet their emergency to “@911” and wait for assistance.

Pee Party

I was finally starting to come to terms with the reality that not only was Mitt Romney not elected President, but that no states were making serious efforts at seceding. Then, to add insult to injury, it was looking more and more like Obama was going to be able to serve out his entire second term without impeachment when, in a flash, the IRS, like manna from heaven, dropped Grace in the form of a bunch of incompetent bureaucrats “illegally” targeting Tea Party conservative groups’ tax exemption applications, apparently (fingers-crossed) at the behest of Obama’s re-election campaign. Huzzahs all around! I mean, I’m obviously outraged, both as a white male and a (totally not-racist) Tea Party Facebook fan. I was beginning to count these guys (and let’s be honest, they’re mostly guys) out, after their almost complete failure to maintain any semblance of relevance in the 2012 election cycle. But now we know why- the oppressive Obama administration sabotaged any hope for the Tea Party through its henchmen at the IRS! Makes the most sense, right? It couldn’t have been because of their quasi-racist, misogynist, McCarthian lunatic fringe candidates spouting off paranoid doomsday scenarios like a Greyhound bus station full of Glen Becks could it? NO way!

I was thrilled in 2010 when the so-called "Tea Party" burst on the scene and was confident this rag-tag collection of seemingly half-witted rabble-rousers would survive, and dominate, the political landscape. In the age of YouTube and instant media these are a refreshing bunch who harken back to a time when you could still tell jokes about executing gays and not have to apologize. I thought Janet Reno killed all the Branch Davidians in Waco back in '93... apparently a few slipped out the back. And then you have "Tea Party" rallies consisting of angry (mostly) middle-aged white Ron Paul voters who (likely) are owners of the entire Left Behind series because, well, you can never be too prepared for the Rapture. And I'm sure none of these people make up the 14% of Americans who believed Obama "might be the Antichrist." Like all good right-wing extremists, they're packing heat.

The Tea Party, at its core, claims to be about small government and lower taxes. And guns, lots of guns. But what they're mostly about is "Restoring Honor." What's honor? Flags and white people, mostly. Fiscal responsibility? These people do it right.  They are the kind of folks with balls big enough to claim the Government is going to suffocate their grandchildren in national debt while they spend their retirement money driving RV's across the country (on roads paid for and maintained by tax dollars), hopping from CVS to CVS filling their Medicare-subsidized prescriptions and cheering while people rant about paying too much taxes.

And now, at long last, they've finally "really" been persecuted. What gall, for the IRS to give extra scrutiny to a group that advocates for abolishing most, if not all of the Federal Government and is extremely "prepared" (read: ecstatic) for an armed revolution against the Obama administration. Come on Barack, these groups should be running amok just like the rest of them. Nobody's going be dumb enough to blow up a Federal building again, right?

Whether anyone from the IRS goes to jail, I'm just glad this controversy has revived these brave bunch of patriots from the seeming brink of irrelevance. I would have missed watching these crowds of perturbed retirees rage against the government on government-provided property with government-assisted hearing/heart rhythms/continence. I'm with them all the way, down with Government! Down with Medicare! If I can't afford Depends I'll just pee my pants like my freedom-fighting forefathers! Free to be me, free to pee! God bless the U.S.A.

Walker, Texas President?

Will Mitt Romney win the GOP primary? Will Rush Limbaugh eat another hoagie and say something moronic? Although seemingly as inevitable as Limbaugh’s lunacy, apparently some people have questions regarding Mitt’s ability to claim the nomination. Mitt Romney isn’t “sealing the deal” with Republicans (come on Mitt, you just have to get her a little drunk.... oh that’s right, Mormon...) and there is even talk of a “brokered” GOP convention. If that were to happen, some prognosticate a “knight in shining armor” candidate could come to the rescue on his/her white, middle-aged heterosexual steed without having taken part in any of the primary elections.

But who could it be? The media has been throwing around the usual names like Palin, Chris Christie, and even Jeb Bush (hooray?). But there is one would-be savior that is getting surprisingly little attention given that he has already promised to rescue the country in the event things get so bad it needs the kind of rescue only he could provide: Chuck Norris.

Yes, Chuck Norris. The Texas Ranger himself, only months into the Obama presidency declared that things were so bad he might consider running for “President of Texas,” assuming it would have seceded from the country, presumably in a bloody race war. Nevermind that when he refers to the U.S. turning into the “enemy of the state,” he probably means “being run by a black guy.”

Also nevermind that he said he just wants to be President of Texas- last time I checked Chuck Norris can be President of whatever he damn well pleases. After all, when Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris. Just like Chuck Norris doesn’t “run for President.” Presidents run for Chuck Norris, usually a 5k, and at the end the winner gets to beg Chuck Norris for a Vice Presidential post, except they can’t because obviously Chuck Norris is both President AND Vice President, and Secretary of Defense too. He’ll let Congress vote if he feels like it, and might even give a State of the Union Address, if he’s in a good mood. There will be no more drawn out debates and procedural stall tactics, filibustering and rhetorical gimmicks. Chuck Norris asks and Chuck Norris gets, or else. No more hemming and hawing with rogue countries and international sanctions and endless arguing with the U.N. over whether there is legal justification for military intervention. You get on America’s bad side and you will immediately feel what it’s like to be on the wrong end of a Chuck Norris invasion.

And that is just what it’ll be, not an invasion by the young men and women of the U.S. military with countless deaths, injuries and post-traumatic stress disorders- just Chuck Norris, solo, roundhouse-kicking ass and taking names. There will be no more nuclear stand-offs, just ill-advised attempts at cloning Chuck Norris technology. They will not get far.

And don’t think we’ll still be talking about debt ceilings and $5 gas. The top oil-producing countries of the world will be paying US to take their oil just so that Chuck Norris doesn’t come over there and get it himself. We will have so much oil it will be illegal to drive in the car pool lane unless your car gets less than 10 mpg, and anyone driving with a passenger will be immediately arrested. Yes, it will be a brave new world, but a world where you won’t have to worry about the government taking your guns or raising your taxes. You’ll just have to worry about not pissing off Chuck Norris, and you’ll be just fine. Like the grizzly bear rug in his house- it’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move. Norris-Tebow 2012? I’m in.

Casey Anthony: America's Next Top Convict

Apparently the fact that some skank in Florida is not going to prison even though she couldn't explain (and actually lied about) why her kid was missing for a month and then turned up dead a few months later in some swampy woods by her house has some people losing their shit. So much so that she had to have special security when she was released from jail and her lawyers argued she shouldn't have to appear in Florida for probation because of concerns for her safety.

Sad, I thought after O.J. people would have more faith in the American jury system. I mean, they sat through the whole trial right? Obviously the jurors know what happened better than any of us. If Casey Anthony actually killed her daughter there would have been proof because, from what I've seen, she's clearly not smart enough to pull off a murder/body dump without leaving a trail. So congrats, jury and legal system, on another job well done. Now the police can concentrate on finding the real killer - because I don't know about you, but if I were in Florida I'd be pretty upset that there's a child murderer out there on the loose just walking around.

I guess America's legal system will never be good enough for some people. Maybe it's because juries typically consist of 12 marginally conscious semi-senile mouth-breathing rubes hand-picked for their ignorance. Or maybe it's just because we all don't get to have our say. Modern technology has conditioned us to believe we have the ability/right to judge everything- who deserves to be America's next "top" model, idol, talent, and fat marm lady singing annoying opera songs. And, as a whole, we always gets these things exactly right. Just look at Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks- superstars!

So since unlimited voting from anyone with access to a computer or mobile phone is obviously the only way to legitimately choose anything in this country,  I say we put important decisions like guilt or innocence back in the hands of the people who know best - the slobbering masses sitting in front of glowing screens. No more juries, just televise every trial and at the end put up a number so people can text their vote: innocent or guilty.

And why stop there? How satisfying would it be to finally see a Presidential election without all the finger-pointing and claims of voter intimidation and fraud? Just make all the candidates live in the same house and appear on a weekly show where they have to find immunity idols, complete physical challenges, eat bugs and debate each other over who has the worst drinking problem and least common sense. And in the season finale, "election day," Americans vote for their next top President from the comfort of their own homes. No more "polls not open long enough for everyone to vote" in the black neighborhood, just "cellular network failure in Cincinnati... whoops!" Close enough, I say, and a much truer picture of what America wants. Because we don't want to have to hear speeches, read pamphlets and watch ridiculous ads for months on end to choose our leaders. We just want to see them live in a house with people they hate, watch them meltdown, possibly expose one or more as racist, and then decide who we hate the most after magazines dig up embarrassing photos of them from college. It can't miss! And we owe it all to a misunderstood little tart from Florida who definitely didn't suffocate her 2-year-old daughter to death and dump her in a swamp. Thanks Casey!

Mustache Misadventure: Rehberg threatens to protect U.S. judge

For days I've been trying to wrap my brain muscle around the recent hubbub and uproar surrounding the allegedly threatening and supposed unfortunate remarks made by our lone Congressman Denny Rehberg (and his mustache) at a recent address at Montana's state capitol. Maybe I just don't "get" the joke. I personally don't see anything wrong with Rehberg (and his mustache) proclaiming that Federal judges like U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy should be placed on the endangered species list. 

I don't know if it's politically correct, and I certainly would never want to incur the wrath and rage of Judge Molloy or his family, but I can't help but agree with the Congressman (and his mustache). An arbiter of the quality and caliber of Judge Molloy truly is a rare and dying breed in today's judiciary and deserves the full protection and support the Endangered Species Act provides. Judges of Molloy's kind should be shielded from public hunts, at a minimum, and managed in such a way to ensure they enjoy successful breeding seasons, adequate migratory routes and plentiful winter feeding grounds.  They shouldn't have to worry about being harassed, hazed, or even shot by management officials if they wander off their designated pastures in search of forage.  Judges like Molloy are fiercely territorial and need enormous amounts of terrain to roam comfortably.  If constrained to inadequate acreage, studies have shown they can suffer extremely low birth-rates and are more likely to develop potentially fatal maladies like mange and hoof-and-mouth disease.  

Molloy-ish judges, like a thong in the butt crack of a person at Wal-Mart, know why the caged bird sings.

The U.S. Government should work with the State of Montana to guarantee that Molloy-type judges, if recovered to a sustainable population as determined by proper science, are not removed from the endangered species list until such time as acceptable management plans are in place for their long-term security.  Judges like Molloy are too important, too valuable, and too scarce to be subject to the whimsical fancy of politicians and their mustaches.  Rehberg is right, let's get these judges protected before they go the way of the dodo, because with the people in Congress we have now, judges like Molloy are probably our only hope.

Hole-by-Hole, the Year of the Tiger

Tiger's recently exposed sexual adventures definitely give new meaning to foxsports.com's "Tiger Tracker: hole-by-hole updates". I think the slew of tabloid Tiger press the last five months has been enough of a "hole-by-hole update" in and of itself.

The sad thing is that none of this would be happening (i.e. no one would be freaking) if Earl Woods would've just had the foresight to raise Tiger to be a football star instead of a golf phenom. Rape, murder, mayhem? Irrelevant in the NFL if you're winning Super Bowls. You think Tiger's harem of harlots is going to make a dent in that scene? But no, Earl had to stick him with the crusty country club crowd.

Shame on you, Earl. Of all sports/hobbies/talents, you pick the absolute worst for a sex-crazed psychopath like Tiger. Growing up around nothing but poles and holes day in and day out, with nothing but "Put it in the hole Tiger" ringing in his ears all the time, what did you think was going to happen? Let this be a warning to all aspiring glory-hungry parents not good enough at anything so they have to push their kids into sports they may or may not have had any interest in - don't be shocked and surprised when your kid ends up getting arrested at a donkey show in Tijauana because he never had pets or friends growing up like normal kids.

As for Tiger, if he starts blowing putts all over the place this weekend, you'll know the therapy is working. Holes are bad now, Tiger. Forget everything you thought you knew. Holes are bad.