NordSense

Casey Anthony: America's Next Top Convict

2011-08-16T23:49:00.001-06:00

Apparently the fact that some skank in Florida is not going to prison even though she couldn't explain (and actually lied about) why her kid was missing for a month and then turned up dead a few months later in some swampy woods by her house has some people losing their shit. So much so that she had to have special security when she was released from jail and her lawyers argued she shouldn't have to appear in Florida for probation because of concerns for her safety.

Sad, I thought after O.J. people would have more faith in the American jury system. I mean, they sat through the whole trial right? Obviously the jurors know what happened better than any of us. If Casey Anthony actually killed her daughter there would have been proof because, from what I've seen, she's clearly not smart enough to pull off a murder/body dump without leaving a trail. So congrats, jury and legal system, on another job well done. Now the police can concentrate on finding the real killer - because I don't know about you, but if I were in Florida I'd be pretty upset that there's a child murderer out there on the loose just walking around.

I guess America's legal system will never be good enough for some people. Maybe it's because juries typically consist of 12 marginally conscious semi-senile mouth-breathing rubes hand-picked for their ignorance. Or maybe it's just because we all don't get to have our say. Modern technology has conditioned us to believe we have the ability/right to judge everything- who deserves to be America's next "top" model, idol, talent, and fat marm lady singing annoying opera songs. And, as a whole, we always gets these things exactly right. Just look at Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks- superstars!

So since unlimited voting from anyone with access to a computer or mobile phone is obviously the only way to legitimately choose anything in this country, I say we put important decisions like guilt or innocence back in the hands of the people who know best - the slobbering masses sitting in front of glowing screens. No more juries, just televise every trial and at the end put up a number so people can text their vote: innocent or guilty.

And why stop there? How satisfying would it be to finally see a Presidential election without all the finger-pointing and claims of voter intimidation and fraud? Just make all the candidates live in the same house and appear on a weekly show where they have to find immunity idols, complete physical challenges, eat bugs and debate each other over who has the worst drinking problem and least common sense. And in the season finale, "election day," Americans vote for their next top President from the comfort of their own homes. No more "polls not open long enough for everyone to vote" in the black neighborhood, just "cellular network failure in Cincinnati... whoops!" Close enough, I say, and a much truer picture of what America wants. Because we don't want to have to hear speeches, read pamphlets and watch ridiculous ads for months on end to choose our leaders. We just want to see them live in a house with people they hate, watch them meltdown, possibly expose one or more as racist, and then decide who we hate the most after magazines dig up embarrassing photos of them from college. It can't miss! And we owe it all to a misunderstood little tart from Florida who definitely didn't suffocate her 2-year-old daughter to death and dump her in a swamp. Thanks Casey!

Mustache Misadventure: Rehberg threatens to protect U.S. judge

2011-02-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

For days I've been trying to wrap my brain muscle around the recent hubbub and uproar surrounding the allegedly threatening and supposed unfortunate remarks made by our lone Congressman Denny Rehberg (and his mustache) at a recent address at Montana's state capitol. Maybe I just don't "get" the joke. I personally don't see anything wrong with Rehberg (and his mustache) proclaiming that Federal judges like U.S. District Judge Donald W. Molloy should be placed on the endangered species list.

I don't know if it's politically correct, and I certainly would never want to incur the wrath and rage of Judge Molloy or his family, but I can't help but agree with the Congressman (and his mustache). An arbiter of the quality and caliber of Judge Molloy truly is a rare and dying breed in today's judiciary and deserves the full protection and support the Endangered Species Act provides. Judges of Molloy's kind should be shielded from public hunts, at a minimum, and managed in such a way to ensure they enjoy successful breeding seasons, adequate migratory routes and plentiful winter feeding grounds. They shouldn't have to worry about being harassed, hazed, or even shot by management officials if they wander off their designated pastures in search of forage. Judges like Molloy are fiercely territorial and need enormous amounts of terrain to roam comfortably. If constrained to inadequate acreage, studies have shown they can suffer extremely low birth-rates and are more likely to develop potentially fatal maladies like mange and hoof-and-mouth disease.

Molloy-ish judges, like a thong in the butt crack of a person at Wal-Mart, know why the caged bird sings.

The U.S. Government should work with the State of Montana to guarantee that Molloy-type judges, if recovered to a sustainable population as determined by proper science, are not removed from the endangered species list until such time as acceptable management plans are in place for their long-term security. Judges like Molloy are too important, too valuable, and too scarce to be subject to the whimsical fancy of politicians and their mustaches. Rehberg is right, let's get these judges protected before they go the way of the dodo, because with the people in Congress we have now, judges like Molloy are probably our only hope.

Hole-by-Hole, the Year of the Tiger

2010-04-08T15:56:00.001-06:00

Tiger's recently exposed sexual adventures definitely give new meaning to foxsports.com's "Tiger Tracker: hole-by-hole updates". I think the slew of tabloid Tiger press the last five months has been enough of a "hole-by-hole update" in and of itself.

The sad thing is that none of this would be happening (i.e. no one would be freaking) if Earl Woods would've just had the foresight to raise Tiger to be a football star instead of a golf phenom. Rape, murder, mayhem? Irrelevant in the NFL if you're winning Super Bowls. You think Tiger's harem of harlots is going to make a dent in that scene? But no, Earl had to stick him with the crusty country club crowd.

Shame on you, Earl. Of all sports/hobbies/talents, you pick the absolute worst for a sex-crazed psychopath like Tiger. Growing up around nothing but poles and holes day in and day out, with nothing but "Put it in the hole Tiger" ringing in his ears all the time, what did you think was going to happen? Let this be a warning to all aspiring glory-hungry parents not good enough at anything so they have to push their kids into sports they may or may not have had any interest in - don't be shocked and surprised when your kid ends up getting arrested at a donkey show in Tijauana because he never had pets or friends growing up like normal kids.

As for Tiger, if he starts blowing putts all over the place this weekend, you'll know the therapy is working. Holes are bad now, Tiger. Forget everything you thought you knew. Holes are bad.

NordSense now #1 among Sex Robots

2010-03-25T00:10:00.000-06:00

If you've strolled through the comment section of any of my posts lately you'll notice the Asian Sex Robot Invasion has begun! It's a total blast, and it gets better everyday. And the nice thing about Asian sex robots is they really don't care if I post anything, they're just excited to have a box to play in... which it turns out is true for most people. You see, we and Asian sex robots are not so different, and that is the lesson we can learn here. Asian sex robots, though annoying at times, are really just here to help us better understand ourselves, and why so many of us need Asian robot sex, apparently.

Susan Boyle

2009-12-10T16:45:00.002-07:00

A co-worker was listening to Susan Boyle in her cubicle the other day. Yeah, she's a great success story and all, but I think someone forgot to tell her we already have a Celine Dion, and we definitely don't need another one, ever.

Tribute?

2009-07-16T15:34:00.002-06:00

Change the pic on this reversible zombie shirt to a Michael Jackson circa nose problems face and I'm sold. That's some scary shit!

Jon & Kate Update

2009-06-18T16:42:00.002-06:00

Apparently Jon & Kate from that awesome reality show on TLC are planning a big announcement. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for double-suicide. C'mon Jon & Kate, do it for the kids.

Twittersweet Symphony

2009-06-18T16:23:00.000-06:00

I never thought I would dignify Twitter with more than 5 seconds of brain power, but then again I didn't think I would ever watch a full season of American Idol, either. The downward spiral continues. Speaking of downward spirals, the reason for this Twitter tangent in the first place: Trent Reznor.

In a recent interview, the (former) Hard-Core-Goth-Industrial-Turn-Your-Kids-Into-Devil-Worshippers-Rock-God-Bad-Ass said Marilyn Manson had "become a dopey clown," which is actually kind of funny (cause it's true). But taking cheap shots at the (former) Antichrist Superstar is not all that Reznor's been up to. According to the article:

Earlier this year, Reznor engaged in a Twitter battle with Chris Cornell after offering a less-than-enthusiastic review of Cornell’s album Scream.

Really? The Nine-Inch-Nails rock icon in a "Twitter battle" with someone? And with Chris Cornell, no less, another (former) hard rock icon? What has the world come to? I would totally expect this out of Brett Michaels and his hair band ilk, and obviously pretty much anyone in the rap/R & B genre, but Reznor and Cornell? Actually, after Audioslave I can see it from Cornell, but Reznor is a disappointment.

For some reason I guess I actually thought Reznor had to be as hard-core has his music would imply, if only because it seems like you'd have to be pretty intense to produce the stuff he does. But then again I used to think the same thing about Metallica, so I really should have known better. It's just a bit of a let down that now whenever I hear a bad-ass Nine Inch Nails song I'm going to picture Trent Reznor Twitter-battling his latest nemises in between takes. "Sorry guys, gotta lay down that vocal track tomorrow. Cornell's really hammering me on Twitter right now."

It's just another example of how the Internets are helping celebrities destroy themselves better than they ever could before. They just can't help it. Gone are the good old days when recording artists talked shit to each other in their videos and album liner notes, with the occasional back-stage melee thrown in for good measure. Now, with their very own blog feuds and Twitter battles, it's easier than ever for stars to prove who's the bigger self-important jackass. (Spoiler: It's a tie between all of them). And if you're wondering whether a winner has been declared in the Reznor-Cornell Twitter spat, don't - they both lose.

American Idol is So Gay

2009-05-20T23:10:00.004-06:00

Not gay as in homosexual gay, but gay in that it is so gay that America was too afraid to make a gay American Idol. Really? You'd rather give the trophy to the poor man's John Mayer just because he's straight and Christian? Oh, but you're the same people that fawn over all the gay figure skaters in the Olympics and watch night after night of prime-time television written mostly by homosexual Jews.

"Will & Grace is so funny, and I know it's fiction so there's nothing to be afraid of."

I'll admit I was getting a little scared. With the election of a black man as President I was starting to worry that this country was forgetting everything it was founded on (fear and hatred). Thank Science we have social experiments like American Idol to prove otherwise.

Not that it really matters anyway, and in a way, I'm actually glad Adam Lambert isn't the American Idol. That is a stank that doesn't wash off- it's like a big nasty asterisk at the end of any great career- Kelly Clarkson *American Idol; Carrie Underwood *American Idol... Adam doesn't need American Idol, and he doesn't need a bunch of do-gooding Danny Gokey fans to validate his talent. He is going to dominate the music scene, and when he does, he won't have the "well he won American Idol, the show is manufacturing his career" stigma.

It's just amazing that millions of people felt the need to prevent Lambert from winning, rather than voting because they truly were fans of the other guy, which is obviously what ended up happening. Like Adam Lambert winning American Idol would be some kind of threat to humanity. Because if a gay wins American Idol, all the kids are going to decide to be gay!! The horror! It's the same type of people that think gay marriage and government bailouts are going to trigger the apocalypse. But that's OK, if these people "feel better" knowing that Adam Lambert is not the American Idol, that's fine. They don't have to buy his records, watch him on TV winning Grammys, or read the thousands of magazines he'll undoubtedly be on the cover of in the coming decades. They'll probably get a little tired of hearing him all over the radio, but at least they can still turn on Rush and go to sleep knowing they did their part to keep America safe, and the AI trophy out of Lamberts gay little hands, cause God knows what he'd go home and do with it! Congrats, America, for keeping it a "family" show...

Here's the scary gay making people gay with his voice and terrorizing the masses:

What's the Square Root of 'Retarded'?

2009-03-03T17:03:00.003-07:00

These are desperate times, and people are apparently increasingly desperate for something to celebrate. Today, for example, is "Square Root Day" for "math fans" across the world. It is "Square Root Day", they say, because the date is 03/03/09 and the square root of 9 is 3. The last "Square Root Day" was supposedly 02/02/04, and the next will be 04/04/16. Amazing.

I hate to be a buzz killington, (actually I don't), but these alleged "math fans" are not only pathetic, they are pathetically wrong. I don't know if anyone's told them, and I can't be the first to point out, that today is actually 03/03/2009, which would mean "Square Root Day" 03/03/09 actually took place exactly 2000 years ago, on March 3, 0009 C.E. And technically, much to the chagrin of "math fans" everywhere, the last real "Square Root Day" actually occurred on December 12, 144 C.E., and will never occur again as long as we use a Gregorian calendar.

Sorry "math fans", but your "Square Root Day" is a fraud. I thought "math fans" were more precise than this, but I guess when you're a "math fan" you take your excitement where you can get it. So have fun when you write the date today, and bask in the wonderment that you'll never have a fake "Square Root Day" again for seven years. Or don't think about it at all and you probably won't even notice.

Shocker of the Week

2009-02-19T16:31:00.005-07:00

Anybody see a problem letting this guy "take care" of your kids for awhile? Apparently these people didn't. And, in the shocker of the week, he has been arrested for allegedly sexually abusing at least a couple of kids at the day care he owned and operated out of his house.

Who'd have thunk it? Looks like a huggable old buddy bear of a guy to me. I mean, if I saw him at the park grab-assing kids on the merry-go-round I'd be sure he's just a playful old prankster that loves a good game of butt-tag, definitely not a skeezy pathological chomo. But what do I know? I guess these days you just can't trust anyone, not even sketchy Jerry from down the street who always has kids over...

What is a parent to do? I suppose maybe NOT handing Billy and Suzy over to the guy who might as well have "I AM GOING TO MOLEST YOUR CHILDREN" tattooed on his forehead would be a good start. Any parent who thought it was a good idea to leave their kids with this guy should probably get the same prison sentence he does. Unless I'm being too harsh and he just doesn't photograph well...

Barackalypse Now

2008-11-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

Be careful what you ask for, America. As of today, you have just over 74 days until Barack Obama is officially installed as the leader of the free world, thus precipitating Armageddon (finally). Time to "friend" Jesus (if you haven't already) and you better hope he accepts!

Of all the reasons to be afraid of Obama (he's black, he's Muslim, he's liberal, he's a terrorist, he's an alien, he's a zombie, he's Dracula), I think the best is that he is the Anti-Christ. It's about time someone finally stepped up to the plate on this one. There have been some good runs (Hitler, Stalin, Hussein, Bush), but so far no one has been able to trigger a full-on apocalypse. If Obama is as good as promised, we should be in for some good Rapturing come January.

Personally, I'm looking forward to it. A lot of people are all doom and gloom over this, but I say having a date certain for the end of the world is fantastic. Now I can stop caring about work, saving money and worrying about the "future" all the time. Wait, I pretty much already don't do any of those things. Well at least I can stop wondering whether I should start doing any of those things. And I guess I should get in with a church or two, just in case. I already have an "I love Jesus" trucker hat, so I should be good to go, but you can never be too sure.

Also, it's good knowing that our actions no longer have any real consequences. We can give up on the whole "going green" thing because really, I think the environment is going to be the least of the problems for those "left behind." Similarly, I no longer have to worry if it's "bad for me" to drink all day and eat pizza, which I plan on doing for the next 74.5 days.

So turn those frowns upside down, Americans. Party like you've got less than 3 months to live, 'cause it's true! Also, in case you were wondering, because an African-American has finally been elected President, black jokes are OK again and you can quote Blazing Saddles without being racist.

Time to Party Like it's 1999 (Again)!

2008-10-21T16:53:00.000-06:00

The End of the World as We Know It (or TEOTWAWKI to plugged-in survivalists) is upon us (again) and as the economic meltdown escalates and a Second Great Depression looms, at least it's good to know someone (R.E.M. presumably) can still make money off of it. But also making money are those in the business of survivalism.

I can't blame them. Everyone saw the business model flourish as Y2K approached and people freaked out over the impending collapse of the world's computer systems and started hoarding food, water, guns and drugs in their cult-inspired compounds. Thank God Jesus didn't decide he was ready to come back yet, because now we get to do it all over again. But this time it's worse (for the people Jesus doesn't take back during the Rapture, that is): 911 won't work, water will kill you and if you don't have non-perishable food stockpiled you'll probably starve to death anyway.

Luckily there are people like Jim Wesley Rawles to operate websites like survivalblog.com. If not for him, I would be sitting here like an idiot not hoarding canned food in undisclosed locations or filling freezers full of prescription drugs and burying them in the woods. Without Rawles expert advice, I might still have money in banks. Good luck with that, people who still trust banks. Have fun with your worthless paper bills while I'm living the high life off my garage-sized supply of staples and paper clips, easily purchased with what I had left over after buying Costco out of their entire supply of sewing needles. Raw materials are going to be better than gold in the post Second Great Depression Era of Chaos and Mole People.

Additionally, according to Rawles' site, one of the most valuable commodities in the barter system of economy (which will undoubtedly emerge) will be cigarettes. Apparently this is because in the post-WWII horrorscape that was Germany, cigarettes were the most valuable bartering tool. I guess it makes sense because it is the same way in prison, so I've heard. So I definitely recommend hijacking at least a couple Phillips & Morris trucks to add to your compound. If you don't already have one from Y2K, you should build a compound, preferably with several underground chambers and a gun tower - remember, people (probably from the government) will be coming to harass you and/or steal your stuff. But don't stop there. Having cigarettes on hand will only take you so far. You need to be able to replace them once you exhaust your stockpile if you want to be able to procure goods and services. So I recommend that you go to your local nurseries and buy (steal) as many tree seeds as possible and plant them immediately. No one is going to be able to make cigarettes without paper, and if you have the most trees, you win. Also, you should then have enough wood to make a solid wall around your property to repel the inevitable onslaught of invaders. Remember that most standard-issue ladders reach at least 10 feet, so you want to probably go up at least 15 feet and make sure to line the top with sharp iron spikes or razor wire. Don't forget to include turrets for keeping watch over (shooting) the neighbors.

If you still have goods left from your Y2K stockpile, you have a good start. If you haven't even started hoarding yet, well all I can say is good luck. And for all you cynics out there, you can laugh all you want, but don't blame me or Mr. Rawles when you come crawling across our moats, infected with pneumonia and starving to death when we say "Sorry fellow human, but it's every man for himself around here. Shoulda started hoarding!" Maybe I'll cut you a break and give you some of my paper clips. Maybe.

NordSense Humanitarians of the Year: Doug and Jackie Christie

2008-09-17T16:15:00.003-06:00

With only 3 months remaining in 2008, NBA "power couple" (huh?) Doug and Jackie Christie have locked up the highly coveted NordSense Humanitarian(s) of the Year Award. It marks the first time in the history of the award that co-winners have been named.

Last year's winner, Margaret Trask, earned the honor by courageously purchasing thousands of dollars worth of cat food to save the miserable creatures from potential poisoning. This year, Doug and Jackie Christie have seemingly raised the bar by pledging to buy 3,000 shares of corporate stock to assist with the AIG crises and "raise awareness and promote others to do the same."

According to the article, the Christies simply could not stand by and watch as one of the world's largest insurance companies faced imminent disaster, and called on all Americans to do the same:

'"We encourage all our fellow men and woman to buy at least two stocks to help with the global economic crisis," said Jackie Christie. "We want everyone to step up and help in any way that they can. This is a huge crisis we face, but together we can make a difference. Do not just sit by and watch."'

I can't applaud these people enough. If there's any cause more worthy of the world's attention than an insurance company in danger of collapse, I can't think of one. I really hope other celebrity do-gooders like Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates follow in the Christies' heroic footsteps so we can stop hearing about trivial causes like poverty, AIDS and lack of education in third-world countries. Time to get with the program guys, and starting helping out those who need it most- insurance companies!

So big thanks to Doug and Jackie Christie for calling attention to AIG's financial woes. I don't know what I would do in a world without AIG. I especially wouldn't know how to enjoy the NCAA tournament without all of those awesome AIG ads every other timeout. And now I have another excuse not to give money to poor people. "Sorry, pardner, I'd love to help you find shelter for the night and a warm meal, but Doug and Jackie Christie have made me realize that it's my duty as an American to buy corporate stock so some CEO doesn't have to sell one of his houses or, God forbid, one of his African big-game hunting farms. Maybe next time."

Doug and Jackie Christie, the world owes you.

Something to shoot for

2008-07-29T15:41:00.002-06:00

There are people who set the bar, and then there are people who drive their drunk asses right over it. . .

Christian the Lion

2008-07-18T22:35:00.006-06:00

The other day someone at work sent this out to the entire office:

Now, ignoring the immediately obvious latent bestial overtones for a moment, something else about this video disturbed me. No, it wasn't the fact that two goofy longhairs apparently need to hand-raise a lion, release it to the wild and have it "remember" them years later to validate their existence, although now that I think about it that is mildly upsetting. No, it's the sentiment at the end that made me say "Whaaa?"

"Love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. Get back in touch with someone today."

Really? I should get in touch with someone (who I probably have a very good reason for NOT keeping in touch with) just because some hipster doofuses think a lion is their best friend since after being away for a few years it recognized them as the source of every meal it ever ate from the time it was born until it was fully grown? I just had to check again to be sure, and yes, the posters of the video are actually suggesting people should get in touch with someone they have neglected apparently because this lion, for some reason, decided not to rip the faces off these people. I can imagine just how such a scenario would go down, and contrary to the video's suggestion, it won't be pretty:

Son: Hi Dad.

Dad: Son? Is that really you?

Son: Yes Dad, it's me. I know it's been awhile. Well, awhile is 30 years. And I know I told you to fuck off, and never speak to me again. And I know I said I wished I was adopted. And I know I said I wished you wouldn't have survived the car accident. But you know, I've been thinking, and I think I want to get back in touch with you.

Dad: Really? Wow, I mean, this is really shocking. I gave you up for dead, basically. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I started drinking again, actually. But this is what I've been praying for and dreaming about, to have you in my life again. I'm willing to start over if you are. You want to get together for coffee or something, just to start out?

Son: Sure, Dad. I'd really like that.

Dad: Great, terrific! So what happened, what made you pick up the phone all of a sudden, after all these years and after everything that happened?

Son: Well, it was a video someone at work sent me on youtube, actually. You see, these guys found a baby lion and didn't want to let it die so they fed it until it was full grown. They were the best of friends. But it was too big to keep in town then. So they actually released it into the wild, in Africa. It was hard to say goodbye to the lion. But they knew it was for the best. Then they started to miss the lion. After all, they were the best of friends. Oh, and they named it Christian. So they missed the lion, because they were the best of friends, and after a number of years they went back to Africa to find it. People said they were crazy, that Christian would rip their faces off. But they didn't believe them. They were best of friends with Christian, the lion. And it turns out, when they went back, the lion recognized them immediately and came charging down the hill - not to tear their faces off, but to leap into their arms and give them a big hug. So after watching that I thought, 'You know, love knows no limits and true friendships last a lifetime. I should get in touch with someone today.' So I picked up the phone.

Dad: Fuck you. [click].

Grand Theft America

2008-06-27T15:58:00.003-06:00

If anyone is wondering why I haven't been blogging lately, it's because my client convinced me to buy Grand Theft Auto IV. It is the best advice a client has ever given me. Not only is the game fun, but, even though I'm only about 60% through the game, I think I am more than qualified to run drugs for kingpins, carry out hits for dirty cops and mob bosses, and assassinate random people for shadowy guys who only communicate via pay-phone should I find myself unexpectedly in need of work. I also am fairly confident I could, if the need arises, successfully evade law enforcement in a high-speed pursuit, be it by car, boat, or helicopter.

But those aren't the only reasons I love GTA. Entering the world of GTA is like traveling to no-consequence land. Sure your actions in GTA have consequences, but often not the kind you would expect to find in the real world. For example, in GTA you can take out half a city block with a rocket launcher, steal a nearby car and in 15 seconds the police won't even be looking for you. Not that I would want to murder anyone in real life, but c'mon, who hasn't at least thought about how they would commit a murder and avoid prosecution? In GTA, you actually get to plot murders and assassinations, and getting away with it is key to your success. OK, it occurs to me a lot of people probably haven't thought about how they would commit a murder. If you are one of those people, perhaps Grand Theft Auto is not something you would enjoy.

Indeed, Grand Theft Auto is something that a lot of people like to hate, and not just the people who don't daydream about committing murders. A lot of people think it's an abomination and evil in its purest form. They think it is a bad influence on kids and will somehow corrupt people's morality and values. Of course, you don't find these same people objecting to games like "Call of Duty" because when it's the military blowing people up somehow that's OK. And since kids obviously go out in real life and immediately do whatever they've been doing in video games, I guess, based on the fact that way more kids play GTA, it's much more likely they'll join the mafia than the military. I guess I can see why people are upset. After all, we need those kids to be dying in Iraq for a "purpose," not in Jersey for mob money.

But I don't think that "bad influence" is really why games like Grand Theft Auto bother a lot of people. I think it is because they reveal truths about America they don't want to face. No one likes having a mirror held up in front of them, at least no one with a problem they don't want to admit they have. And Grand Theft Auto holds up a mirror to segments of the United States that a lot of people would rather just pretend don't exist. There is rampant drug violence going on in cities all over this country, but most people don't have to think about it in the safety of their suburbs and gated communities. I know I don't have to think about it in my apartment, except when I'm playing GTA of course. Obviously there aren't entire cities mired in the type of chaos and lawlessness like that in GTA, but there are definitely significant areas within many major American cities that come close.

In fact, in March of 2007 U.S. Representative Tim Walberg was roundly ridiculed for comparing Iraq to Detroit in terms of violence in an attempt to argue that the situation in Iraq was improving. Hooray, it's not worse than Detriot (440 estimated murders in 2005, or 9.8 per 100,000 inhabitants)! Actually it was still a little worse. But regardless, I think most people would rather not think about the fact that we have mini-Baghdad's all over the country where people don't depend on police for security, but drug lords and gang members. Any criminal defense attorney will tell you that increased law enforcement efforts do not decrease gang and drug-related violence. Only strong and brutal control by cartels and drug lords can reduce the bloodshed. In fact, it is usually when police focus efforts to remove certain leaders in the drug and gang world that they create a power vacuum and violence spikes again as rival groups battle for control of the black market. Much like Iraq when Saddam was removed from power, but on a smaller level. An examination of murder rates in the U.S. from the past century illustrates the point.

So what is the point? In GTA, the L.C.P.D. is fairly powerless and really do very little in the way of maintaining law and order, just like police departments in some of the most crime-ridden areas of this country struggle to control gang and drug violence. In GTA the entire city is a battleground between rival mobsters and drug-runners, and police only sometimes prove to be a minor annoyance, unless you've terrorized the populace enough that you end up with a 6-star wanted level, then you're probably ending up in the hospital with some bullet-induced head trauma.

Truly, people hate what they don't understand. And if you don't understand why camping out on a roof with a sniper rifle shooting police helicopters out of the sky is a damn good time, then I can't help you. But if you think GTA is fantasy world built for bloodthirsty psychopaths with no basis in reality, check out some of the old L.A. riot footage from '92 and see if you think GTA is really that far off.

So, all in all, I'm really glad that instead of focusing on ways to improve the situation here in the U.S., we're spending lives and money to give people in other countries the opportunity not only to play GTA, but to live GTA. And who said you could never learn anything playing video games?

"Swimming Lessons"

2008-05-22T10:42:00.002-06:00

Mister Rogers at his creepiest. Where was Chris Hansen on this one? Keep those hands above the water Fred!

Sacrifice

2008-05-14T10:32:00.004-06:00

President Bush announced yesterday he quit playing golf out of respect for the families of U.S. soldiers killed in the Iraq war. His last round of golf was reportedly in 2003, when he decided it "just wasn't worth it" anymore. What an inspiring story. It is so rare these days that a leader truly leads. There are a lot of people out there saying they "support the troops," but who can claim they are actually making the kind of sacrifice President Bush has made? And the best part is that he never even wanted credit for it. He hasn't played golf since 2003, and he is just announcing this now? It just makes me so proud to be an American to think that President Bush has been silently suffering, not playing golf, for 5 years and we all had no idea.

I have to take back all those things I said about Bush not supporting the troops. Sure, he may have sent them into an unnecessary war based on questionable intelligence, put them in more danger by horribly mismanaging the post-invasion strategy and failing to provide them with decent armor and equipment, and for icing on the cake is stretching them to the breaking point with increasingly longer tours and inadequate leave, but wow, for almost the entire time he hasn't played a single round of golf! And we all know how much President Bush loves golf. It must be just about as much as our troops love their spouses and children, or as much as their families love them, or it would be a slap in the face, or, more appropriately, an IED in the cranium.

If President Bush loves golf as much as I love Creed, I totally know what he's going through. I remember when I gave up listening to Creed for Lent one year, and it was so hard! If giving up golf is as hard for the President as giving up Creed was for me, it must be totally killing him! Well not actually killing him, because that would be what's happening to our soldiers in Iraq, but I bet he really, really, really can't wait for this thing to be over so he can golf again. Which is weird, because he's had so many chances to stop the war from dragging on, yet he continues to veto any legislation with a timeline for troop withdrawal. I would think, knowing that as soon as the war is over he can golf again, he'd be jumping all over getting our troops out of there. Maybe he's just nervous about getting back on the links after such a big layoff. Or maybe he just wants to wait until after he's out of office, so he can avoid moments like these:

Bums, Tramps, Hobos, Transients, Layabouts

2008-05-13T16:38:00.004-06:00

I live downtown and work only a few blocks away, so I walk to work. Because I walk to work, and because I live in this area, I encounter more than my fair share of homeless people on the street. It's really no big deal, other than I have to be careful not to step on them sometimes (seriously), but the encounters can often be fairly entertaining. For example, here is one recent exchange:

Homeless guy: Hey.
Me: Hey?
Homeless guy: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Me: I don't know.
Homeless guy: The taste!

For some reason, I feel like he knew that from experience.

Another guy, awhile back, simply sat on a bench all day yelling at everyone who went by. I went by him twice and both times he was yelling, "Mutants! You're all damn mutants!"

Another lady would periodically sit on a bench outside my office window and yell at a pine tree for hours. I don't know what that tree ever did to her, but she was not happy about it. To the tree's credit, it didn't fight back. It just sat there and took the abuse. She spent a good few days yelling at the tree off and on, and then disappeared. Maybe the tree finally said it was sorry.

Just the other day, I passed two seemingly homeless people and one of them was asking the other one, "What's the difference between a tramp and a transient?" I don't think he was setting up a punchline for a joke, and if he was I didn't hear it. But if he really was asking because he wanted to know the answer, and if he is reading this, I would like to offer my theory:

A transient is someone who moves from place to place, with no permanent residence. A transient may be homeless from time to time, but is not necessarily so. A tramp is not necessarily a transient, nor is a tramp necessarily homeless. But a tramp will always accept money for sexual favors and if you go to prom with one you will never live it down. Used in a sentence: "Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are having a contest to see who can be the biggest tramp." Further, a bum is not necessarily a tramp nor a transient, but always smells like steel reserve and urine. A hobo is always a transient, not necessarily homeless, may be a tramp, and is always a bum. I hope this helps.

My favorite homeless people, by far, are Crabapple Guy and J.W. Crabapple Guy first appeared some time last year as a black cowboy, wearing a leather jacket (with fringe), cowboy hat, boots, and carrying a portable stereo. He would sit outside my window (which looks out over a courthouse lawn), not far from where the lady would argue with the tree, and blast his radio while singing (more like shouting) along. He never really stayed on the same station for more than a couple minutes at a time, and rarely shouted the lyrics accurately. Sometimes he would turn the radio off and have running conversations and/or shouting matches with himself. At one point he lost the radio, but that did not phase Crabapple Guy. Instead of singing to the radio, he stood underneath the American Flag and shouted the National Anthem as loud as he could. He saluted the whole time.

At this point you may be wondering why I call him Crabapple Guy. There is a crabapple tree in the courthouse lawn, and at one point last fall, after it had dropped all its crabapples, Crabapple Guy showed up with grocery bags and methodically harvested every single crabapple from the lawn. He gathered them a few hours a day for a couple weeks until they were all picked up. He didn't even keep the crabapples. He just left the grocery bags full of crabapples on the lawn. Done and done. And when the crabapples were gone, he would spend his time arranging pine cones into elaborate formations all over the lawn. If you live on a farm and you've ever had "crop circles" appear in your fields, you might want to find out if Crabapple Guy was in the area before you jump to any conclusions. He is extremely disciplined and devoted to whatever imaginary entity is telling him to complete these tasks.

J.W. is a tall, gangly fellow with a scraggly beard and worn out cowboy hat who was around a lot last summer. Most of the time I saw him he would be staggering around in the streets yelling at things that weren't there while making wild gestures and just generally being disruptive. But one time a friend and I were having a couple of beers on the patio of a downtown bar and we noticed him shuffle up to one of the tables on the outskirts of the seating area. Oddly for J.W., he just sat there quietly. We soon noticed he was sitting quietly most likely because he was fading in and out of consciousness. At some points, he would put his head down on the table and appear to pass out, but then he would suddenly come to and sit back up. We joked with the waitress that we were buying a shot for "the guy over there," pointing to J.W. She laughed and said, "If you actually do shots with him I'll buy." Opportunities like that do not knock twice.

She brought the shots over and we took them to J.W.'s table. I think they were Washington Apples.

Us: Hey, what's your name?
J.W.: J.W. And that's Bruce [gesturing to the seat next to his]. But Bruce left. [It should be noted that at no time prior to that did we ever see anyone sitting with him].
Us: Well, fuck him.
J.W.: [emphatically] Yeah, fuck him!
Us: Hey, we got shots. You want one?
J.W.: [laughing maniacally] Sure!
Us: To Bruce!
J.W. Bruce! [laughter, mumbling]

From then on, whenever we saw J.W. we would yell "J.W.!" and he would stop his staggering and gesturing, smile and yell something incomprehensible in our direction. I would like to think that we were J.W.'s best friend that summer. J.W., if you are reading this, come back this summer. Drinks are on us!

WWJD? Meth!

2008-05-02T17:50:00.001-06:00

Complaining about anti-drug billboards because you don't think your kids should see them isn't normal, but for some Christians it is. The Montana Meth Project recently agreed to take down some of its more "disturbing" billboards after Christian and family groups complained. According the groups, many people objected to the ads because they didn't want to have to try to explain what was going on in the billboards to their children.

I have to applaud these people. Kids have enough to deal with these days without worrying about what meth might do to them. Things like grades, summer jobs, teachers, clubs, athletics, deciding where to go to college, and just fitting in socially produce enough pressure on kids without the added stress of having to figure out which drugs will make them think there are bugs crawling under their skin, compel them to let strange men have sex with them at truck stops, or turn them into razor-toothed parent and sibling-attacking zombies. If these billboards are allowed to proliferate and make kids too scared to do meth, that is just one more thing in this age of terror they are told they have to be afraid of. How are they supposed to cope?

I think Jesus is an obvious choice. Undoubtedly, these Christian groups are hoping kids will choose to go to their church instead of drug and booze parties. And I think they will. I have found that nothing relieves stress for me after a long week of getting dumped on by the Man better than sitting in a building the size of an airplane hangar with a bunch of lunatics while a guy screams at me to accept Christ or I'm going to Hell. The immediate need for mass quantities of mood-altering substances is definitely the last thing I am thinking about at churches like these.

And if these groups have their way, the mere thought of drugs of any kind will never cross these pure, innocent children's minds as long as they live. Again, I am 100 percent behind them. Why sully the landscape of our towns with horrifying images depicting the real consequences of meth use and put ideas in kids' heads at the same time? "You mean I can have sex with truckers on a dirty bathroom floor and make 15 bucks? Where do I sign up?" It best not to even allow kids to think they have the option.

I'm sure most kids would never have even heard of meth if not for these ads. And everyone knows the best way to make a kid want to do something is to have an adult tell him not to.
In fact, I don't think any parent should talk to their kids about drugs unless the kid has been addicted for at least 5 years. Just like sex, they won't know what it is until you tell them it's wrong, so why take the risk?

No, kids are obviously better off without these ads, or even having to think about them. Such graphic, realistic and arguably gratuitous depictions of gory violence should be reserved for only the most worthy of causes, like religion. That's why I think these groups should go one step further, and not only have all the meth billboards removed, but have them replaced with images from The Passion of the Christ.

Picture it: The words "Blasphemy: Not even once" across a billboard showing Jesus hanging from the cross pouring massive amounts of blood from virtually every pore in his skin while Roman soldiers drive the last nail into his foot, or "Glorifying sadistic execution rituals for profit isn't normal, but for churches it is," on a picture of the horrifying and seemingly implausible lakes of blood left on the ground after Christ was scourged at the pillar.

It can't miss. As the Montana Meth Project has proven (teenage meth use in Montana is down 45 percent, and meth-related crimes are down 62 percent), these billboards work. So with the meth ads gone and the new "Passion" billboards in effect, expect to see kids flocking to Christian churches statewide, and the so-called "drug problem" will be just a memory. Thanks, Jesus.

Price of Dirt Soars 800 Percent Leading to Shortages, Widespread Rioting

2008-04-25T16:58:00.005-06:00

Record oil prices and rising sea levels have driven the price of dirt up 800 percent since January, leading to worldwide shortages and mass rioting. Agencies across third world countries have reported a significant breakdown in the social order as bandits and militias raid dirt farms and forcefully intercept dirt shipments from relief organizations as the world braces for a global catastrophe.

"It's like nothing we've seen before," DIRTFAM director Clod Mudman said Friday. "These countries, more than any others, depend on dirt for their livelihoods. This is truly a crisis of epic proportions."

Dirt riots have become commonplace in Egypt, Yemen, Cameroon, Ethiopia, Haiti, Indonesia, Mexico, the Philippines, and Senegal, and Mudman predicts the situation is not likely to improve.

"The dirt farmers have no way to protect their crop," Mudman said. "And it's becoming impossible for us to get dirt to the people who need it most."

People in the third world depend heavily on dirt for both food and housing. Haitian dirt, for example, is considered a delicacy and is in particularly high demand. Dirt is also the number one building resource in the third world, raising concerns for the future of structure-building in these countries.

"It used to be that they could at least, as a last resort, burrow into the ground like mole-people to get out of the elements," Mudman said. "But with dirt going the way it's going, it is looking more and more like we are going to have to go back to caves at some point."

Nguyen Ngnu, of Thailand, is on the verge of doing just that. Ngnu, a 33-year-old father of nine, sold chicken beaks at a local market before the dirt shortage. As dirt became scarce, Ngnu was forced to sell his chickens and most of the family's possessions.

"There is no more dirt," Ngnu said. "Where is the dirt? The government says to be patient, that there will be dirt but how long can we wait?"

With no more dirt to raise his chickens on, and as a result no beaks to take to market, Ngnu and his family are facing the dirtless future.

"We have no food, our floor is down to bedrock," Ngnu said. "When we had a dirt floor at least it could be leveled and not digging into our backs as we slept. Pang, our oldest, is out searching for a cave. When he finds one, we will go."

In the meantime, Ngnu and so many others like him find ways to cope without dirt, but they are running out of time. Mudman estimates that, without intervention, dirt distribution among the third world could fall as much as 75 percent in just the next year. If that happens, look for dirt-based violence to dramatically escalate, he said.

"It's up to us, who live in dirt-rich countries, to find a solution," Mudman said. "We have plenty of dirt to spare. In America alone we waste more dirt in a day than many of these countries produce in a year. For the cost of a single mud bath, you could feed dirt to a small village for six months. Something to think about."

NordSense Solutions: Teen Pregnancy

2008-04-10T16:48:00.002-06:00

So many problems, so little time. Today - teen pregnancy. Already, I'm sure some of you are wondering, "Is teen pregnancy really a problem?" I guess it really isn't, unless you are a teen and you don't want to be pregnant. So I guess a better description of the problem is "unwanted" teen pregnancy. Apparently "unwanted" teen pregnancies are on the rise again (after experiencing a sharp decline during the "Britney is preggers" years when getting knocked up by some no-talent creeper was the "cool" thing to do, everyone has now seen how it made her go bean bags and, like those incredibly annoying little fluffy dog-rats they all bought a few years ago to be like Paris, their pregnancies just don't seem as "cute" anymore and are starting to make them smell funny).

So what is the answer? I'm glad you asked: Childhood obesity. Now, some of you might say "But isn't childhood obesity yet another growing problem?" And you might be right. But if I learned anything from law school it's that there isn't a single problem that can't be made into an opportunity (usually an opportunity to blame someone and make money). In this case, I think childhood obesity is the perfect opportunity.

It should be obvious by now that sex education, abstinence education, and every other kind of education has failed to prevent unwanted teen pregnancies. The fact is, teens like to have sex, and they like to have sex because it is fun. So how do you stop teens from wanting to have sex? Easy- make it less fun. Or even better, not fun at all. And what's the easiest way to do that? Make sure that as many kids as possible, by the time they are teens, are morbidly obese. We are already off to a pretty good start. But we can do better. The more teens that are grossly obese, the less likely it is that any of them will become pregnant unintentionally, or really, pregnant at all.

It goes without saying, as anyone who's joined the "deuce, deuce-and-a-half club" knows, that sex with someone who is morbidly obese is a lot more work than fun. Statistics have even shown that most people, given the choice, would rather build a deck than have sex with a morbidly obese person. Sure, building a deck sucks and it's a lot of work, but at least when you're done you have something you can use, and the only maintenance you need to perform is some painting every so often. But have sex with someone who's morbidly obese, and he or she will undoubtedly want you to feed him or her afterwards, and, like a lost puppy, you'll now have a new best friend, except it will be a new best friend that costs you $500 a week in groceries.

Faced with the alternatives (i.e. moving to Europe), I think kids will abstain. Obviously, the risk of implementing this plan is that we will see a dramatic increase in unintentional deck-building, but I think that is a risk we should be willing to take. Of course, it is unrealistic to think that we can get 100% of our teens to be morbidly obese. Undoubtedly some parents won't want their kids to become sufficiently obese so as to utterly repulse the opposite sex. But society will soon recognize that these parents are just part of the problem, and they will be swiftly shunned into submission.

It is also unrealistic to think that a lot of teens won't get drunk enough to think that sex with a fellow morbidly obese party-goer would be a "pretty good idea", which leads me to the second part of my foolproof plan: Ban alcohol and legalize marijuana, because, let's face it, there is yet to be a single documented case of "pot goggles". And with pot legalized, the kids can still get their altered-state-of-consciousness fix, but they can get it with piles of brownies, guaranteeing they'll stay grotesquely obese for years to come.

It's not only another win, it's a win-win-win, and another problem solved. You're welcome, America.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure your kids know that they have until age 25 to slim down to "obese" or "mildly obese", otherwise they legally waive most of their rights under the Constitution. I recommend extreme surgery or miracle diet pills, but please consult with a physician. If you can't afford a physician, consult a late-night TV infomercial or just ask the Internet.

Mutant Man-Cows Sadly Still Not A Reality

2008-04-02T18:55:00.000-06:00

I was disappointed to learn today that despite scientists' best efforts, the creation of mutant man-cows is still just a dream. Even worse, scientists say the intent of a recent human-cow embryo project isn't even to make mutant man-cows, but to cure disease. Thanks for nothing, science. I mean, if we are inserting human DNA into the egg cells of cows for any other purpose than to create mutant man-cows, then what's the point?

Sure, curing disease is great, and I'm all for that, but why stop there? If we can cure disease and create mutant man-cows in the process, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't. OK, I can see how a lot of people would think that mutant man-cows is something that could only happen in some futuristic fantasy world. But a lot of people also thought that we could never make it to the moon. What if we had listened to them? What if we had just said, "Oh yeah, the moon's WAY too far away- we probably shouldn't even try"? Then we'd be sitting here, having never been to the moon, still wondering what it's made out of and why it's making such an angry face at us all the time.

I, for one, don't want to be sitting here 50 years from now, sans mutant man-cows, wondering what might have been. And don't think this is just about mutant man-cows. If they can make mutant man-cows, you know they can make mutant man-just about anythings. Meagles (mutant man-eagles), Mea Lions (mutant man-sea lions), Malruses (mutant man-walruses), Menguins (mutant man-penguins), and Moxen (mutant man-oxen), are just a few I'd like to see off the top of my head. The possibilities are endless. But if we're not even going to try to make something as basic as a mutant man-cow, the chances of ever see something as glorious as a mutant man-hippo-zebra-fish are about as good as those of Eddie Murphy ever making a good movie again. But take Eddie Murphy's DNA and cross it with a sloth bear's and a gila monster's, see what comes out and put that in charge of a day-care, and you've got a box-office smash.

Unfortunately, some angry people who don't like fun and aren't happy unless they are complaining are whining that creating hybrid manimal freaks would be "unethical". But I think that fusing mankind's superior intellect with the animal kingdom's highly adapted physical features is just the next logical step for the evolution of humanity. Think about it- the vast resource of the multitude of species around us has gone largely untapped. So far we have really only tamed and bred animals to do our work, be food for us, or make us not feel as sad when we have been rejected by the rest of humanity because we are emotionally unstable (see: cats).

But a time will surely come when we will need to adopt much of the animal kingdom's unique abilities just to survive. Whether we need specialized digging abilities to burrow like mole-people away from a Nuclear wasteland, fish gills for breathing underwater after all the icecaps have melted, or antelope legs for running long distances after we run out of oil, it is in humans' best interests to start sooner than later. Sure, laugh now, but we won't be the ones laughing when a battalion of hyena-men from space comes to conquer us and we don't even have an army of flying squirrel-baboon-men ready to fight back. So if we eventually find ourselves slaves to a mutant race of hyena-people from space, don't blame me, blame the do-nothing scientists who wouldn't even make a simple man-cow when they had the chance.

NordSense Solutions: Iraq

2008-03-28T16:36:00.001-06:00

To commemorate the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War, PBS ran a two part series entitled Bush's War. The series was in-depth, well-researched, included countless interviews with people inside the State Department, Pentagon and CIA and was nearly 4 hours in length. It presented in painstaking detail every step (and misstep) made in the planning and execution of the invasion and occupation of Iraq from September 11, 2001 right up to recent months. It is probably the most comprehensive account of what went on that exists in current media.

I highly recommend it- but in case you don't have 4 hours to kill in front of your computer or T.V., I'll give you the main gist: Don Rumsfeld is a complete assbag. And, to the same extent, Bush and Cheney are assbags for putting him in charge and then backing him each time he would make some idiotic, ignorant and boneheaded decision (which was often). But as the wise old wizard John McCain says, that was then, this is now. The past is the past. "We are where we are now". And we need a solution - a way out of Iraq without making the situation worse than it already is (if that's even possible).

Other than the boneheaded idea of invading Iraq in the first place, it is obvious that the second biggest blunder in this whole debacle was not sending in nearly enough troops to secure the country after toppling Saddam's regime. And while the "surge" is "working" (relatively speaking, which really isn't saying much), it is painfully clear that nothing short of a drastic, sustained increase in military personnel will provide enough security for the "political process" in Iraq to resolve itself. And with our U.S. military already stretched dangerously thin and otherwise occupied in Afghanistan fighting real terrorists, and with the "coalition of the willing" slowly dwindling to an Army of One, I think there's only one solution: Clone armies.

Think about it. Whether you think cloning is "right" or "wrong", you have to admit that breeding an army of clones to secure Iraq is a foolproof plan. We wouldn't have to worry about things like grieving families and friends, because clones wouldn't have families or friends. They really wouldn't even have emotions if we didn't want them to - we could make them all carbon copies of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and raise them in an underground bunker where all they learn to do is eat, sleep and kick ass. We wouldn't have to deal with things like disabled veteran clones with post-traumatic stress disorder and mental issues, because we could simply "retire" the clones when the job is done, or deploy them to Iran. . .

We wouldn't have to spend all kinds of money treating the wounded, we could just make more clones instead. We wouldn't have to spend money paying for their college, because clones don't need college. They just need to go where they're told. Obviously, it would cost some money to breed and train the clones, but eventually the money we could save by phasing out the "volunteer" army would put us billions ahead.

Yes, there's no doubt. The "clone surge" would overwhelm the insurgency and all of this squabbling over what to do in Iraq would be a thing of the past. And with cloning now suddenly socially acceptable, think of the possibilities: we could clone important leaders like JFK, Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy so that the government can conspire to assassinate them again. Hooray!

Now I know what you might be saying, that the Bush Administration would never support breeding clone armies as a morally acceptable practice. But c'mon, if they are willing to send over 4,000 Americans to their deaths in a war started on false pretenses for no purpose other than to inflate their massive egos and ensure their reelection, they shouldn't bat an eye at clone armies, right?

And just like that, another problem solved. You're welcome, world.

Taking One for the Team

2008-03-26T17:52:00.003-06:00

I hear a lot of people say that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. You take the easy way out while your family and friends have to deal with the pain you've caused, funeral expenses, etc. I've thought about it, and I have to respectfully disagree. In this age of Global Warming, what better way to reduce your carbon footprint than to eliminate it altogether? What better way to "give back" to the environment than to, literally, give your body back to the earth to stimulate plant and animal growth? I believe taking your own life, then, would not be the most selfish thing someone could do, as a lot of people would have you believe, but rather, is truly the ultimate sacrifice, and is one of the best ways to ensure a better tomorrow for future generations. So to all you suicide victims out there, don't listen to the naysayers. They're just jealous because they don't have the testicular fortitude to do it themselves. After all, it's a lot easier to judge and point fingers when they're not the ones slicing their wrists open with razor blades. So a heartfelt thanks, suicide victims, from me to you, for taking one for the team.

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T23:14:00.000-06:00

In honor of the occasion- the Dr. Seuss Bible:

Someone Owes Me Money (Again)!

2008-03-14T16:50:00.001-06:00

You may recall a few months ago when "reporter" Matthew Brown with the Associated Press ripped off my story about the escalating warfare between animals and humans without paying me so much as a nickel. I have still not received any credit, compensation, or even a thank-you note from Mr. Brown.

I was so distraught and angry, I could barely blog. I'm still angry. Why take the time and trouble to post things online if they're just going to be pilfered by "journalists" desperate to sell newspapers to people not smart enough to realize they can get all the "news" they need on the Internet for free? Well recently I decided some stories just needed to be told and ended my boycott. To no one's surprise, it's happening again.

This time it's some coward at "McClatchy Newspapers", purportedly out of Miami, burgling my story ideas and passing them off as his or her own. You'll recall the in-depth analysis of the increasing phenomenon of dead people's Myspace pages I posted last week. Well imagine my surprise (ok, not surprise) when I saw this story hit the news wires on Tuesday. You're welcome, McClatchy newspapers. No need to thank me publicly, link to my post or offer me a cut of your subscription revenue. That copyright information at the bottom of my page is just an inside joke I have with my friends . . .

But my main beef isn't even that the anonymous McClatchy Newspapers "reporter" is a plagiarist. It's that he or she seems to all-but endorse Myspace memorials to dead people with slight mention of the morbid and unhealthy fascinations this sick practice perpetuates. Worse, McClatchy Newspapers fails to even address the issue I have with the practice- that these "Myspace memorials" are costing online predators increasing amounts of valuable time and effort that could be better spent stalking and harassing people who are actually alive. If you are going to steal a meal, at least take the meat.

So I hope you're happy "McClatchy Newspapers", if that is your real name. Next time you need a tip, you know where to look.

McCain Seeks 'Retarded Black Woman' for VP Nod

2008-03-12T23:57:00.003-06:00

Tuscon, Ariz.--

Republican presidential candidate and presumptive nominee Sen. John McCain announced today he is seeking a "retarded black woman" to serve as his vice presidential running mate.

Reaction to the announcement from political analysts has been mixed, though some have praised McCain's effort to get a leg up on his future Democratic competition. Having sewn up the Republican nomination with primary victories in both Texas and Ohio last week, McCain appears to be wasting no time in looking ahead to the eventual general election contest. It remains unclear whether he will face New York Senator Hillary Clinton or Illinois Senator Barack Obama, who are locked in a protracted battle for the Democratic nomination, but McCain appears to be seeking a running mate that will give him the best chance of defeating either opponent.

"We believe a retarded black woman will cover our bases quite nicely," McCain said. "It's going to be an unstoppable ticket regardless of who we're facing. Especially if she also happens to be grossly obese."

Senior campaign adviser for McCain Mark McKinnon explained the choice as an attempt to one-up the eventual Democratic nominee and capture independent voters clamoring for change.

"The Democrats will either have a woman or a black man running for President," McKinnon said. "And they are benefiting from people falling all over themselves for the novelty. They are getting all these people who want to be the ones to vote either the first woman or first black man to the presidency. Well we're just going one step further, so now they'll have a black and a woman on the ticket in the same person. And if we're lucky, she'll be a fat retarded one. I defy the Democratic ticket to beat that."

While some analysts questioned the move, others believe it is a politically savvy strategy given the potential that Clinton and Obama could appear together on a so-called "dream ticket."

"Choosing a black woman as his running mate is really a bold move," Shemp Dunderton, former adviser to President Carter, said. "Not only is it an innovative and cutting-edge thing to do, it might be the only way McCain can compete with the Clinton-Obama type of ticket that has everyone buzzing."

Dunderton lauded the strategy, saying an obese black retarded woman would undoubtedly inject much-needed life into McCain's campaign.

"If he finds a gal with a little spunk, a little spontaneity, his campaign might become the hottest ticket around," Dunderton said. "A fat retarded black woman sharing the stage with John McCain will do nothing if not generate tons of interest."

Others derided the decision as desperate and predicted the campaign would disintegrate into a gong show. Not to be outdone, the Clinton campaign issued a statement that if she were nominated, she would seek a half-Japanese hermaphrodite to run on her ticket, while Obama stated that if named the Democratic nominee his first choice for vice presidential running mate would be Ukrainian "Dog Girl" Oxana Malaya.

Questioned as to whether he thought the American people were ready for a mentally retarded Vice President, McKinnon said, "If they are willing elect George W. Bush President twice, we don't think they'll have any problem with a retard."

McKinnon would not say which, or how many retarded black women McCain is considering, but confirmed that Star Jones is "on the short list, obviously."

Please take down your deceased daughter's/girlfriend's/sister's/niece's myspace page

2008-03-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Like most Americans, and all sexual predators, I love Myspace. It is the only place I can stalk women without being harassed by pesky people like neighbors and the police (note to federal investigators now probably reading this - just check out, oh, any of my other posts if you think I am serious). But there is a growing trend among users of "the Myface" that is disturbing as it is frustrating: Dead people's profiles being "preserved" in their memory. Specifically, dead girls.

I would like to kindly and respectfully ask the family members/significant others/friends of these people to go ahead and delete their pages immediately. I can't tell you how many times this happens: I'm browsing along, trolling for hotties, and I come across some page of a really cute girl who also looks like a person I would be interested in getting to know better, and by "getting to know better" I mean stalk and harass over the internet. Naturally, I have to check the rest of the pics, because we all know how the "profile" pics can be manipulated to make an atrocious slumpbuster look like the Playmate of the Year. So I'll dive in to the albums, where hopefully I'll get the real deal, and she's still looking good. Then I'll notice she actually lives near me, likes the same things I like, and even has a decent set of "top friends" (instead of the normal slew of bands, weird D.J.'s, and guys on snowmobiles and/or crotch rockets dressed like they think they're posing for an Eminem album cover). Next, of course, I have to find out if she's single. And she is- so far so good.

Then, finally, before I go any further, I have to check out the comments. That's where things get real. Is she a decent human, or just human garbage? You usually don't need to delve very far into the comment section to answer that question. And that's when things take a huge turn for the worse: "We'll always miss you and love you! Forever in our hearts!"? "Our angel, on loan from God"? "R.I.P. Ashley"?? "Your light will shine on always! Best friends forever!!"???

So that is when I start to get the idea that something is clearly wrong here: This chick is obviously deceased, and now the entire venture has been a colossal waste of time. Yeah I know you're all grieving and this person meant a lot to you, but for everyone's sake, please take the page down. Do you really think the best way to get over the loss of your loved one is to pretend they're still alive and write things to her myspace page? No, any psychologist will tell you the healthiest thing is to ceremoniously discard of their page so you can begin the first steps of moving on with your lives. Also, do you really think the best way to preserve their memory is to turn them into a giant tease? Because to all the myspace predators out there, that is what they are now.

I'm not a heartless bastard- of course I understand if it would be just too hard and you have to keep the page going. But if that is the case, can you at least have the courtesy to change the name of the profile to reflect that the person is no longer alive? Maybe something like "Dead Sarah" or "Brittany, yes, the one that just died in the accident". That way at least everyone knows, up front, not to expect them to return any messages.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

My Black History

2008-02-29T11:45:00.001-07:00

As you know, today is Leap Day. Hooray! It is also Black History Month. Hooray? Leap Day was created so that once every four years Black History Month wouldn't be so short and insulting to blacks. You're welcome, blacks. So in the spirit of giving and the special occasion that is today, I'd like to contribute to this year's extended Black History Month by sharing my own black history.

The first time I saw a black person in real life (not on TV) was when I was in first grade. There was actually a black person in my class. I think his name was Aaron. He seemed like a nice kid. We liked to touch his hair because it was fuzzy. Aaron, other than being black, wasn't too memorable. The next year, Aaron was gone. No one asked why. We were 7. At that age, you show up to class, and some people who were there last year are not there the next. You don't really even think about it. Also, at that time, I didn't really know Aaron was black, I just knew his hair was fuzzy.

I wouldn't encounter another black person until fourth grade. His name was Marcus. He wore prescription goggles a la Buck Williams, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Horace Grant. I'm not racist, I just can't think of any white NBA players that wore prescription goggles. Bill Laimbeer wore that ridiculous face mask for awhile, but that doesn't count. Wait, Kurt Rambis! Yeah, they were just like Kurt Rambis'. He was a nice kid too, but he was loud. I remember he was constantly being told to quiet down and sit still. Music class was the best because Marcus would shout rather than sing, which exasperated our already exasperated music teacher, which always meant good amusement for the rest of us. Like Aaron, the next year Marcus would be gone. Again, I didn't really know or think about the fact that Marcus was black. I just knew he was loud.

There would not be another black person in any of my classes until college. I was aware of some black people in my area between fourth grade and college, but I never really had any close encounters. I don't remember exactly when I became "aware" of black people as a race, but it was probably when I started watching Yo! MTV Raps. I learned a lot about black people from Yo! and also from listening to NWA and Eazy-E. I learned that "women" are actually "bitches" and "hos" and that it is a perfectly acceptable date to take your "bitch" to Burger King.

I also learned that black people were not big fans of the police. I didn't like the police very much either, but these guys REALLY didn't like the police. It was as if something had happened to them personally that made them hate the police so much that they wanted to shoot any police officer on sight. So I was way ahead of the curve when things like the Rodney King beating happened and O.J. was framed by Mark Fuhrman. I remember big discussions in our all-white classes about these events, and everyone else had all kinds of questions about what was going on. But not me. Dre had been rappin' about this for years. I knew what was up.

With this deep understanding of black people and culture, I went to a small private Jesuit university in the inland northwest. Surprisingly there weren't very many blacks there either. The experiences I did have with black people in my four years there were pleasant, but not memorable. Then I moved back to Montana, where there are seemingly even less black people.

Overall, my history with black people has been pretty positive. Or at least, not negative. None of them has ever tried to fight me, and I have had nice bordering on interesting conversations with black people while out at bars or concerts. Based on where I have lived, some people might accuse me of avoiding black people. But isn't it also just as possible that black people are avoiding me?

Generally, I like black people. Some of my favorite people in history are/were black. I have nothing against black people. I have nothing against black people so much, that I will probably vote for Obama. Then just try and call me a racist. "Oh, sorry, I voted for Obama. What? You didn't vote for McCain? Racist."

Happy X-mas (War is Over?)

2007-12-21T15:44:00.001-07:00

War is over, if you want it? More like war is over, if Bill O'Reilly says so. Last week, the jolly old elf at Fox News did just that when he declared victory over "secular-progressives" in his so-called "War on Christmas".

It's about time. I can't tell you how tired I am of burning down "Holiday Trees" (and replacing them with Christmas trees), installing Nativity scenes in courthouses (and booby-trapping them with explosives so they can't be removed) and lobbing Molotov Jesuses into any store that won't let its employees say "Merry Christmas".

Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, I'm for Christmas too, but those things seem, I don't know, illegal." Technically, you might be right, but c'mon, this is WAR. And if there's one thing we've learned from our President, it's that in a time of war, "legal" is for cowards. Besides, this is America- and in America, Christmas IS the law. Jesus didn't command our Founding Fathers to create a Christian nation just for the hell of it. He chose America because this is where He's going to come back.

Christmas has always been an American holiday, after all. Jesus is White and Moses looked just like Charlton Heston. Sure, Jesus didn't appear here the first time, but it's understandable that 2,000 years ago God would pick a place like Israel to come down in human form to bitch at everyone for awhile. America was, after all, just a backwater full of pagan savages back then. English wasn't invented yet and we were a long ways off from inventing guns and bombs. Civilization, for the most part, was concentrated in the Middle East. But all that has changed now. America is just about the perfect place for Jesus to make His glorious return, and He has spent the last couple hundred years making sure of that. Yeah, we've had some bumps along the way, accidentally creating a "separation of church and state" and foolishly leaving "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance until about 50 years ago. But thanks to Jesus and people like Bill O'Reilly, all that is in the past and we are just about ready for the Second Coming. All that's left for us to do is conquer the Iraqis (Islam) and do something about that damn illegal immigration problem. Hopefully Jesus doesn't choose to return via Mexico without a good work visa.

Most importantly, Christmas in America is back in first chair where it belongs. No more playing second fiddle to people's so-called "religious freedom" and a few pagan's quirky laws. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if Jesus came back and decided take a little Christmas stroll around the country, seeing nothing but "Holiday Trees" and courthouse lawns devoid of Creches. Thank God and Bill O'Reilly that's not the case.

With the "secular-progressives" defeated, we are finally free to force people to think about Christmas whether they want to or not. Thanks to O'Reilly, when we say "Merry Christmas" we can really mean "Fuck you, pagan" and still act self-righteous about it. We can make our employees say "Merry Christmas" and fire them if they refuse. We can sexually harass our secretaries at the office holiday party and blame it on the "Christmas Spirit" (booze). With the pesky pagans out of the way we can, at long last, celebrate the birth of Christ the way it was meant to be celebrated- by letting pervy mall Santas grab-ass our kids while we take pictures, because that's what Jesus wants. Anything less would really piss Jesus off, and I can't think of anything scarier than a pissed-off Jesus- except for maybe one of those mall Santas.

Merry Christmas, Americans. The rest of you pagans have a good time in hell.

Someone Owes Me Money!

2007-12-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Last month NordSense featured an exclusive report that bears and other animals were rallying against a human surge aimed at suppressing their deadly insurgency. The report was based on months of research, much of it done in hostile animal territory and at great risk to this reporter. So imagine my surprise yesterday when I saw virtually the exact same story, purportedly by a Matthew Brown of the Associated Press.

Someone owes me money! Oh sure, Matthew Brown- go ahead, steal more of my stories, if it will make you feel like a "real" reporter. No need to thank me. The exposure this web site will undoubtedly get when you are fired from the AP for plagiarizing my work will be thanks enough.

You're welcome.

Vote for Giuliani, Vote for 9/11!

2007-11-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

Now that Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani for President, NordSense can officially do the same. However, unlike Robertson we're not endorsing him because we believe he'll bring about the second coming of Christ- we're hoping for a different kind of second coming altogether, one that will be better for America in the long run. That's right, we're hoping for another 9/11, and we believe Giuliani is the only candidate capable of making it happen.

The "events" of 9/11, as the liberal media likes to call them, were actually terrorist attacks, and pretty much the only terrorist attacks ever perpetrated on U.S. soil, unless you count some obscure rioting once a long time ago, or when the Indians tried to invade and steal all kinds of land out West. And as Giuliani likes to constantly remind us, he was the mayor of New York City that day. No one else. Not Hillary, not Obama, not McCain. So in terms of allowing your city to be horrifically attacked by terrorists, Giuliani is far and away the best.

In terms of allowing your country to be attacked by terrorists, Bush is obviously the best, but unfortunately he's limited to only two terms, so we have to pick a replacement. We say Giuliani is the next-best thing. It's been over 6 years since 9/11, and the good times are really starting to fade. We think Giuliani can bring them back.

Remember the good days, the few months following 9/11 when everybody got together, put their differences aside, and got behind our President? Remember when, immediately after the attacks, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Patriot Act without even reading it, told us that it would make everything better, and no one questioned it even though it constituted probably the most severe attack on our civil liberties in history? Remember when we didn't care what the government was doing as long as it made the bad men go away? Remember when we didn't have to watch NFL football for a week? Those were truly the 21st century's halcyon days.

But alas, those days are gone. People are tired of hearing about 9/11, and tired of their civil liberties being "infringed" by things like the Patriot Act and NSA wiretapping. People no longer understand why people need to be held indefinitely without charges in places like Gitmo. People have forgotten why we need to "not" send suspected terrorists to other countries so that they can "not" be tortured (wink wink). Criticism of our President is at an all-time high and people are tired of hearing about the supposed "war on terror." People are starting to worry about trite domestic problems like education, poverty and the environment. What we need now, more than ever, is a good 9/11 redux.

Now, we realize it might not be "PC" to hope for another terrorist attack on the United States, but like Dr. Phil says, it's time to get real. Often times it takes the mildly intoxicated guy in the corner to cut through all the crap and just say what everyone is already thinking. NordSense humbly volunteers to be that guy.

Sure, all the candidates these days are trying to sell the American people on a "no more terrorist attacks" platform, but that is just because it makes people feel better. What they're really thinking, deep down is, "Damn I hope I'm lucky enough to have a good terrorist attack in the first year of my presidency." Because, as everyone knows, a good terrorist attack is a one-way ticket to record-high approval ratings, carte blanche to run the country how ever you want for at least three years before anyone bothers to question you, and, if you play your cards right, an easy breeze to a second term.

And we think that's just great. In a time of war, you can't waste time worrying about whether the President is doing a good job, or violating the law or people's rights. You have to go shopping and not think about a damn thing. It seems like when we're not under the constant threat of being blown up by fanatics, we start to obsess with things like "is this legal?" or "is that a human rights violation?" And that just wastes valuable time that we could use to go to the mall and Britney Spears concerts. And that is just not right.

So if you yearn for the good ol' days of post-9/11 bliss like we do, vote Giuliani, vote 9/11! You can thank us later.

Human Surge Fails to Quel Animal Insurgency

2007-11-02T17:53:00.001-06:00

Gardiner, Mont.--

A dramatic increase in human-animal violence in the Northern Rockies in recent months is thought to be the result of a recent "surge" of armed humans meant to combat a rising animal insurgency.

Tuesday's mauling of a hunter outside of Gardner, Mont. was the fourth such attack in the area in less than two months. In the Yellowstone Ecosystem alone there have been seven incidents this year in which humans have been injured by bears.

The recent uptick in bear-fueled violence is thought to be the result of a concerted effort by humans to shut down an increasingly bloody animal insurgency that has been steadily gaining traction in the area's national parks and wilderness areas. Humans have long faced fierce resistance from animals to the occupation of their territories in and around wild lands, but the animal opposition has begun to show signs of a sophisticated insurgency.

While the animals in years past have relied on their fiercest predators - such as bears, wolves, and mountain lions - to carry out the bulk of attacks on human populations, they have now begun to train other, less conspicuous species like deer and moose to inflict damage as well.

Last summer in Grand Teton National Park, for example, a female adult moose kicked a 16-year-old South Korean boy in the head after the boy attempted to run away from the moose and its two calves. Within days of the moose incident, wildlife officials shot and killed a mule deer in Helena, Mont. after it attacked a woman in her yard. According to the story:

The number of complaints about aggressive deer in Helena has risen steadily
over the past two years, the FWP has said. The agency recently estimated that
the city's urban deer population has grown to between 300 and 400.

Last October, wardens killed four deer that were harassing a Helena
teenager on his newspaper route.

Experts agree that reports of gangs of deer interfering with paper routes signaled a new, frightening direction in the ongoing conflict between humans and animals. They were organized.

Both the timing and nature of the June, 2006 deer and moose attacks appeared to indicate they were in response to the May, 2006 human caused deaths of one male grizzly and two grizzly cubs in seperate incidents in and around Glacier National Park. Both the killing of two grizzly cubs by a human-run train and the death of a male grizzly during a human-run population study were ruled accidental, but animal insurgents considered both incidents to be deliberate attacks on their population.

As violent encounters between animals and humans rose throughout the next year, humans decided to take drastic action. Thus began the "surge" this Fall led by mostly male combatants armed with rifles, bows and arrows.

Dressed in camouflage and using advanced stealth techniques, the combatants hoped to stalk and kill some of the insurgency's most notorious beasts, including bears, moose, elk, deer and mountain lions. The animals, though, had other ideas.

In one of the first attacks as the surge began, a Yellowstone National Park employee hunting insurgents near Gardiner was mauled by a grizzly that he said appeared to "come out of nowhere." The employee sustained injuries to his back, stomach, legs and arms but luckily survived. Just days later, a grizzly insurgent struck again, this time pulling a human combatant out of a tree, injuring him.

It became clear that the animals were prepared for the humans, had the upper hand in their home turf, and wanted to send a message early. That message: stay the hell out of our woods. But despite increasing calls to end the surge and cut our losses, human leadership vowed to continue the effort for "as long as it would take to end the animals' threat to our way of life." The results have thus far proved disastrous. At least three other humans would be mauled by grizzlies in Montana forests, with hibernation still many painful weeks away. In the lone victory so far for humans, combatants shot and killed a female grizzly on October 6 as it attacked from deep cover. No surprise to anyone, the confrontation occurred while the men were hunting insurgents in the deadly "Grizzly Triangle" north of Gardiner.

Human leaders have pledged to wait to assess the surge's viability until the "mission is complete" and "all the data is in."

"We really need to wait until winter sets in and the insurgency's fiercest beasts, bears, are quietly hibernating," President of Humans Against Insolent Rebel Species (HAIRS), Barry McMoose said. "Then we can truly make an accounting of what went right, what went wrong, and what we need to do better next time. Trust, me, we'll get this thing licked."

For now, humans in the Rockies can only hope he's right.

Solitaire Tester Caught Making Spreadsheets at Work

2007-10-05T16:20:00.000-06:00

Redmond, WA--

A Microsoft Corporation employee was disciplined Friday for making spreadsheets on company time. The man, Bronson VanVleet, 25, worked in Microsoft's Solitaire Game Testing Division where his duties consisted of testing various demos and applications for Microsoft's most popular Windows-based one-player game. His employment was immediately terminated.

Theodore Zune, a spokesman for Microsoft, stated the company had a "zero-tolerance" policy for violations such as VanVleet's.

"When people come to work at Microsoft, they are not paid to work on spreadsheets and write memos," Zune said. "They are paid to play games. Period."

In a prepared statement, VanVleet said that he was "profoundly sorry" for what occurred, but that "playing Solitaire all day can be a real drag sometimes."

"I can really only play for a couple hours at a time before I need to take a break," VanVleet went on to say. "It's a sweatshop. It's madness."

Microsoft management began to suspect VanVleet was violating company policy last week when a manager approached VanVleet's cubicle to give him a memo. VanVleet was not at his desk, and the manager left the memo on his chair but noticed several spreadsheets windows open on VanVleets computer.

"I saw six or seven spreadsheets open," the manager, Quinton Baxter said. "And they were definitely not work-related. Had nothing to do with Solitaire at all."

Baxter then ordered a review of VanVleet's computer use and discovered that over half of his work time was being devoted to making spreadsheets.

When confronted, VanVleet admitted to working on the spreadsheets, but argued that he was using them to help the company.

"Sure, I was doing some personal stuff with them. But I was also working on some things related to Microsoft," VanVleet said. "I took some accounting in college. I had a strategy- I was really going to save this company some money. I guess I'll have to take my ideas elsewhere, like Apple, for example. Suck on that, Gates."

Baxter stated that the company reviewed VanVleet's spreadsheets and found "very little, if anything that could be of use."

Wyoming Congresswoman Possessed by the Devil

2007-09-20T17:44:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C.--

U.S. Rep. Barbara Cubin, R-Wyo., is the first known member of the U.S. government to fall victim to demonic possession. Cubin, seen in the attached photo reacting to a crucifix during an attempted exorcism, is Wyoming's lone representative in the U.S. Congress.

An animated politician known for irrational outbursts, Cubin had nonetheless not shown signs of demonic possession until just recently, sources close to her said. According to witness reports, upon learning of a National Park Service plan to close the East Entrance to Yellowstone National Park during the winter, Cubin's eyes turned red and she began to spew flaming vomit from her nose and mouth. She then sprouted green, scaly wings and three-inch claws on her fingers and toes.

Onlookers immediately contacted police, who, with the help of firefighters kept the mutated Cubin at bay with a steady stream of fire-hose water and repeated taser charges. Several Catholic priests then arrived at the scene and beat Cubin into submission with a combination of crucifixes, holy water and prayers. The demons, however, were not exorcised, according to Father H.J. McNutter III.

"Unfortunately, despite our efforts, she is still struggling to regain control of her soul," McNutter III said. "We are going to take the night to regroup and regain our strength, and tomorrow we'll be back at it again. Hopefully it will go better than it did today."

Three priests were injured in the attempted exorcism and one remains hospitalized, the Vatican confirmed. Cubin is reportedly being held in restraints in the basement of an undisclosed Catholic church in Washington D.C.

Asked to comment via telephone, Cubin only bellowed "We are Legion!" followed by a string of expletives.

A spokesman for Cubin would not confirm the possession but stated, "Congresswoman Cubin is battling a very serious personal health issue and is extremely appreciative of the support she has received from friends and family and people around the country."

NordSense Humanitarian of the Year: Margaret Trask

2007-06-14T17:15:00.000-06:00

Normally I wait until the end of the year to select my Humanitarian of the Year, but when I read about the recent heroism demonstrated by Margaret Trask of Beaufort, South Carolina, I decided I couldn't waste any more time. Congratulations Ms. Trask, you are NordSense's Humanitarian of the Year.

In March, Trask bravely purchased over $1,000 worth of cat food from a local WalMart to save Beaufort's cats from potential poisoning. Trask had already made two trips to the store and was returning for a third when managers asked her to leave.

Prompted by reports of a recall of more than 60 million cans of possibly tainted dog and cat food, Trask decided to take matters into her own hands. Realizing that most cat owners are too stupid to figure out not to buy food that might kill their pets, Trask cleared the shelves of as much of the recalled cat food she could, then went back for more. Like all brave practitioners of civil disobedience before her, Trask was quickly shut down by the long arm of the law.

Nevertheless, Trask's efforts are being praised by cat-lovers everywhere, as well as elderly and homeless people who also rely heavily on the recalled brands of pet food Trask disposed of.

"I can't thank her enough," Mable Hoofenbeck, 83, said. "I can't imagine what would have happened if I would have eaten some of that poisoned food. And it probably was only a matter of time because that brand is exactly what I eat every night for supper. That woman saved my life."

WalMart managers confirmed the brand's popularity among elderly shoppers.

"Oh they just love that stuff," store manager Brian Meade said. "I mean their cats. Their cats just love that stuff. Yeah."

I addition to the elderly, Trask received praise from homeless people throughout the area. Among them is Ed Jeffries, a recent fixture around Beaufort and frequent cat food connoisseur.

"Yeah I eat that sh*t all the time," Jeffries said. "They always pile a bunch of it out behind the Kitty Kennel. I guess it's whatever the cats won't eat. It keeps pretty good, except for summer. I find it goes best with a man can of steel reserve."

"I wasn't too worried about [the recall]," Jeffries said. "I think I've built up a pretty good tolerence for most things in my time out on the street. But I'd still like to thank that woman for looking out for me. Not only did she prevent me from getting a potentially fatal disease, she prevented me from eating for a week. God bless you, Margaret Trask."

God bless her, indeed. Congratulations Ms. Trask. You deserve it.

Residents of Darfur, MN Still Waiting for Relief

2007-05-22T15:39:00.000-06:00

Darfur, MN-

A tiny island nestled amongst an ocean of corn fields in southern Minnesota, Darfur (pop. 137) doesn't get much national attention. But its residents are starting to grow as restless as late summer cornstalks waiting for the harvest. They are waiting for relief, and if it doesn't come soon, things could get ugly.

"We've been hearing about this 'Save Darfur' business for a couple years now," Town Alderman Chet Heffer said. "But we ain't seen nothin' come of it yet. The people is startin' to get worryin'. And when they get worryin', I get worryin'. And when I get worryin', someone gets a whoopin'."

Heffer and the other residents of Darfur weren't sure exactly why people around the world would spend time and energy trying to help their little town, but they weren't going to argue with them.

"I was just tickled that they would think of us," town historian Phyllis Sheehan said. "You know it's so rare we even make any of the papers. I just want to meet the kind people that started this whole thing and give them all a big hug."

None of the residents of Darfur recalls asking anyone for help. But now that rescuing their town has become a worldwide cause, they are thinking big.

"I didn't know much what it was all about," Clem McClellan said. "But I can always use a few extra hands around the farm, and my oldest kid never seemed to learn how to talk right, so I'm hoping someone can do something about that."

Down the road, the Murmans have a feral cat problem.

"I'd love to have someone come in and take care of all these dang cats," Earl Murman said. "Seems like I can't even cut the grass anymore without chewing up a couple kittens. My wife is always yelling 'Earl stop choppin' up kitties!' I don't know how much longer I can take it."

The Town Council is hoping some of the relief money will help them finally finish badly needed public works projects.

"The town tether-ball pole has been in need of repairin' for years," Heffer said. "It's been leanin' over like that as long as I can remember. Ain't no proper way to be playin' tether-ball. "

Doris Gadfly, the town librarian, is hoping the library will benefit from some of the assistance.

"We would love to get a new set of Encyclopedias," Gadfly said. "Of course, it's only been 30 years since we got this fine set of Funk & Wagnalls, and most of them haven't even been cracked into yet. So really we should look into getting some new computer games for the kids. I heard Oregon Trail II is out, and I would just love to get my hands on that!"

At the local soda fountain, Harlan Pepper is daring to dream as well.

"All we've ever had for 50 years is Pepsi and Diet Pepsi," Pepper said. "But I kept hearing about this new one they call 'Mello Yello'. I'm a little nervous to try it, but it sure sounds exciting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they can get us some of this stuff."

As with most places in need of international aid, the elderly are the ones who need it most. According to Beth Barton, director of the town's senior center, their bingo cards are "frayed, tattered, and torn" and "you can barely read the numbers on them."

"I really hope help comes soon," she added. "The elders are getting antsy, and when they get antsy, I get the bear spray."

So while politicians and activists argue over how best to deliver aid to this struggling town, the residents of Darfur wait.

"They better be on the way," Heffer said. "And they better have a damn good excuse as to why they ain't been here yet."

Blame God

2007-05-22T12:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you wondering why Nordsense has not been reporting news for the last couple of months (and judging by my inbox, "those of you" means "nobody") don't blame me, blame Conservapedia. In March, I reported on the fantastic new phenomenon and stated that Nordsense would not report anything without running it by the good Conservapedia folks to see if it was in the Bible. They haven't been returning my e-mails. I can't figure out why.

In addition to my stand-off with Conservapedia, I have been traveling around the country with the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour, supporting one of my favorite causes- helping dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote (which is long-overdue, in my opinion). If you would like to help dolphins and chimpanzees get the right to vote, let me know and I will get you in touch with a "Dolphins and Chimps for Change Street Team Leader". More on this to come.

So, since Conservapedia is ducking me and the first leg of the Dolphins and Chimps for Change Tour is over, Nordsense can get back to the important work of bringing you important stories about important world affairs. I know you'll "all" be relieved.

Oh, and since I know "most" of "you" come to Nordsense for its comprehensive coverage of world events, I'll give you a brief recap of March and April: Florida, polar bears, Moscow, women, Hitler, the Pope, and China. You're welcome.

Conservapedia- Finally!

2007-03-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

If you're as tired as I am of being constantly bombarded by liberal bias everytime you turn on a computer, a TV, or open a newspaper, you'll probably be just as excited as I am about the new conservative answer to the liberal lie-machine: Welcome to Conservapedia! The self-described "much-needed" alternative to Wikipedia, Conservapedia claims to "favor Christianity and America" in contrast to Wikipedia which, according to Conservapedia, "is increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American."

Any group that can expose an encyclopedia created and maintained by users made up of the general public for an anti-Christian and anti-American agenda gets points in my book. Right off the bat, you know they are not the kind of folks into conspiracy theories and armageddon-style doomsday scenarios. Also, Conservapedia states it is a project started by home-schooled kids in New Jersey, so you know you're getting nothing but rock-solid research. Sure, they might believe in unicorns, but weren't you really hoping unicorns were real anyway? I know I was.

The point is, I am a fan of anyone who is going to stand up and tell it like it is. Like the following entry about Fox News:

Fox News was started in 1996 in response to the other cable news channels which all had obvious liberal biases. Because of this, Rupert Murdoch decided to start a real new channel which would tell the truth. The success of Fox news over every other news channel is because it is fair and balanced. [1] It has many people on it who work to spread truth such as Sean Hannity who is a great American. [2]. Fox News is best because instead of just telling you what to think, they only report the news unbiased and then allow the viewer to decide. [3].
In 2005 the White House selected Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new White House press secretary which was a great honor for Fox because it showed how well it was presenting the real truth instead of the fake liberal version. [4]

Now that is some journalistic integrity right there. Too many people unfairly pile on Fox News and its journalists for being biased hacks who are nothing but mouthpieces for the Christian right and/or the Bush Administration. Kudos to you, Conservapedia, for your brave characterization of the Fox News network.

But the objectivity doesn't stop there. The Hate Crimes Bill entry concludes with the following statement:

This bill is a blatant attempt to normalize the homosexual lifestyle.

Once again, the cowards in the liberal media would never print such a bold statement of fact. Apparently the truth just hurts a little too much for the delicate psyches of fragile liberals.

Conservapedia's mission appears to become the hardest-hitting, most in-depth reporter of historical fact the world has ever seen. A prime example of their attention to detail is this entry on the Taliban:

The Taliban was a Sunni Islamic fundamentalist movement which effectively ruled most of Afghanistan from 1996 until 2001, when United States forces invaded Afganistan and overthrew them.
The reason for invasion was that the Taliban had ties to al-Qaida (a militant Sunni Islamist organization), the group that is held responsible for the attacks on America, September 11th, 2001.
The Taliban's rule has been characterized by the fact that women could not be educated, and that the leaders were fanatically intolerant of other religions.
In addition, the Taliban had banned all forms of television, imagery, music and sports, which resulted in Afganistan being suspended from the year 2000 Olympics. [Empasis added]

I know I was relieved to find out that the Taliban was successfully overthrown and is not still in existence. I bet Dick Cheney will be happy to find out it must have been someone else who almost bombed him to death Tuesday in Afghanistan.

But not only is Conservapedia a great source of information, it also is a guide to life. Wondering what book to read, or not read, or tell your children they cannot read or they are grounded? Run it by Conservapedia. In its entry on The Da Vinci Code, Conservapedia refuses to participate in Dan Brown's and the liberal media's anti-Christian crusade:

Dan Brown is responsible for feeding millions of readers a pack of lies cleverly wrapped up as a historically accurate novel . . . millions have been presented with a tangled, inaccurate and dishonest representation of history, of Christianity and of Jesus Christ . . . If nothing else, The Da Vinci Code teaches a lesson on how susceptible people are to believing an attractively-packaged lie, and how vitally important it is that the truth is broadcasted earnestly by those who know it.

Amen. Thanks again, Conservapedia, for warning me that Dan Brown's book is completely fictitious. Maybe one day, if we fight hard enough, we can get that book out of the non-fiction section. . .

So from now on, NordSense pledges not to report anything until it's confirmed by the good people at Conservapedia, because I can't think of any better way to make sure something is true than asking a bunch of random people to find out if it's in the Bible.

NordSense Solutions: Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

Every so often problems come along that the rest of the world can't solve on its own. People fight, argue, go to court, etc., while the general public and the media go along for the ride. While such circuses can be fun and interesting to talk about at work, NordSense feels like they really are just a big waste of time and money. Also, I'd rather hear about real news, like Britney shaving her head. So it is in times like these that I feel an obligation to step in and stop the madness with "NordSense Solutions"- real world, common sense solutions to problems that seemingly have no obvious answers. In this installment, I tackle the question on everyone's mind that a Florida court apparently can't answer in less than four days: Where to bury Anna Nicole Smith?

The debate here is essentially between Smith's former alleged boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Smith's mother whom she hated. Stern believes Smith wanted to be buried in the Bahamas while Smith's mother believes Smith should be buried with her family in Texas, or maybe California or something. The Florida judge, rather than using some common sense and hiring a clairvoyant to commune with Smith's spirit and simply ask her what she wants, has scheduled a four day hearing that has quickly turned into an OJ-style freak show. Regardless of what he decides, no one is going to be happy and the lawsuits and allegations will continue ad infinitum.

This is where NordSense comes in with the only reasonable solution: Don't bury her at all. Judging by the media coverage since her death, it is obvious that Smith is worth just as much dead as she was alive, if not more. It won't matter if she can't talk or even move, she was barely conscious most of the time she was on TV anyway. It is time that TV executives think outside the box (literally, in this case), and Anna Nicole Smith is the perfect place to start.

It was obvious that she was destined for an episode of "The Surreal Life" sooner or later, so why not take things up a notch with "The Surreal Afterlife"? Think about it, Anna Nicole Smith's corpse hanging out "Weekend At Bernie's" style with 6 others at a posh house in Florida while VH1's cameras catch all the crazy hijinks. I'm thinking, in addition to Smith, throwing in Tupac, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson, Nicole Brown-Simpson, Michael Jackson and Barbaro. I know Michael Jackson isn't dead (kind of), but wouldn't it be great TV to see what he would do stuck for months in a house with 5 dead bodies and a horse carcass? Maybe not. But the "things we couldn't show you on TV" DVD would break sales records, guaranteed. Anyway, whichever station picks this up could do some tweaking. It's can't-miss.

They could set up challenges that would become legend, like "Who Can Ride Barbaro the Fastest?", "Who Floats in Water?" and "Who Can Last the Longest in a Night Club Before Someone Realizes He or She is Dead?" I'd put my money on Smith because, as previously mentioned, that's kind of how she looked anyway.

The possibilities are obviously endless, and it just makes sense that this would be the next step forward for reality TV. And so another vexing problem is solved by NordSense - you're welcome, world.

Groundhog's Day Miracle: Haggard Cured of Homosexuality

2007-02-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

Denver, CO--

Embattled Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from his winter hibernation in counseling to announce he has been miraculously cured of homosexuality. Like the world-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Haggard saw no shadow of his former gay or bi-sexual self and is confident that he is heterosexual to stay.

"I will not let anyone turn me gay again," Haggard said. "I have come to realize I probably brought this all on myself. The next time I hire a male prostitute to give me drugs and massages, I am definitely going to make sure he's not gay."

The announcement brought hope to millions of people worldwide who have been afflicted with homosexuality, previously without the possibility of a cure.

"This changes everything," Gabriel Menendez, a homosexual from New York said. "When I found out I was gay I really thought it was permanent. This gives me a whole new lease on life. I just hope I can afford the treatment."

Haggard and the team of ministers who cured him have set up several fund-raising efforts to help make the treatment more available. One of the most popular and successful so far has been the series of "LiveStraight" wrist bands which are now available worldwide. The first in a series of what Haggard says will be a "yearly celebration" entitled "UnGay for Life - Race for the Cure" will be held in various cities this summer. Those suffering from homosexuality, those who have been cured and their sponsors are invited to participate in the fund-raising relays and celebrations of "straight living" Haggard said.

The treatment itself will vary from individual to individual, Haggard's ministers said, but the overall strategy will be uniform.

"We start off with straight hard-core pornography and gangster rap," team leader Rev. Tim Ralph said. "That usually jolts people back to their senses. Then we start the Exorcisms."

Ralph said homosexuality is less like a disease and more like demonic possession. While regular prayer can provide temporary relief, only full-blown intensive exorcisms can lead to a permanent cure, he said.

"Haggard needed 19 of them," Ralph said. "The exorcisms and the people praying for him around the world, I think are what finally brought him back to his old self."

Ralph and his team of ministers have remained defiant in the face of harsh criticism from gay rights advocates who say there is nothing wrong with homosexuality and that it is not something that people should expect a "cure" for.

"Rev. Ted is living proof," Ralph said. "Obviously anyone who's gay just isn't praying hard enough. It's that simple."

UPS 'Whiteboard' Ads Just Keep Getting Better

2007-01-24T00:44:00.000-07:00

People said it couldn't be done, but UPS' new Whiteboard ad campaign continues to top itself. The hip, fresh series of ads featuring the professorial but daddish casually-dressed lecturer gets better with each successive spot. Not pretentious or condescending at all, the "I'll act like I'm your best buddy but really I'm just trying to steal your girlfriend" star of the series comes off as just a helpful guy answering all the questions about package delivery you never really had and would never have even cared about before. Plus he's got a nifty whiteboard and is a wizard with a dry-erase marker. It seems that UPS has stumbled upon the perfect combination.

After I saw the first ad I thought to myself, "Well they really blew it- there's no way they can top this. They are totally screwed." This was the "China to U.S." spot where he turns a truck into an airplane. It was brilliant. But then they hit us with the "Customer Service" ad in which an inanimate package relentlessly e-mails a floating head named Sally until she smiles. I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no way it could get better than this. But then they upped the ante with "Distribution". In this magnificent display of sorcery, the whiteboard magician actually turns your warehouse into a truck and sends it on a distribution-fest to a dazzling array of store shelves. To top it all off, at the end he says "Hey, where'd your warehouse go?" like a mother hiding a toy from her infant child. Fantastic!

Again, I didn't think it could go anywhere but down from here. Again, I was wrong. In "Early Morning Delivery" this shaman of shipping literally turns back time in a superhuman display of other-worldly power. And if that isn't enough, he creates birds out of thin air like it's something he can just do whenever he feels like it. The next ad, "International Shipping", seems to imply that if you send something to a different country with UPS you automatically learn how to speak that country's official language. Now not only is this guy Superman, but he has taken on the qualities of the Holy Spirit, bestowing the gift of tongues upon all who believe in Brown. Next in the series is "One Driver", where the superhuman God of packaging is now creating UPS drivers in his own image and predicting the weather. This ad also, for the first time, reveals in its latent symbology that UPS is a major player in the "One World Government" conspiracy long feared by Christian Fundamentalists.

The next ad, "Reliability", is frightening, yet awesome as it is revealed that UPS package labels can operate as seer-stones for those powerful enough to practice the ancient art of scrying. Our favorite warlock, as expected, is well-practiced in this black art. UPS then drops the ball with "Visibility" and creates an ad that is pretty much worthless. They really should have started with this one and worked up to the others. "Your Small Business" is the grand finale. In this gem of a commercial the conjurer gleefully informs you that he is buying your company, laying off 3/4 of your employess and instituting a dress code. "It's not your small business," he cackles at the end. "It's your small business with UPS."

Amazing. Hopefully the genius-machine over at UPS keeps cranking these out because I cannot get enough of them! I want to learn more from this man. I want him to be my teacher. No, I want him to be my personal life coach. No, I want him to be my dad! Can you imagine getting the "birds and the bees" talk from this guy and his wondrous whiteboard? "It's not sex with a girl. It's sex with a girl and with everyone else she's ever slept with. Let's give you some protection here." How lucky his children must feel.

Undaunted Courage: One Man's Search for Jesus

2007-01-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

Omaha, NE--

Bobby McPhee isn't on a mission from God- he's just on a mission. For three weeks now the Nebraska sporting goods store clerk has tirelessly pounded the pavement of his quiet town in search of Jesus, so far without success.

McPhee began his quest while stopping at a downtown convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line he noticed a small flier in a phone booth which simply said "Find Jesus: Eternal Reward" and had a black-and-white sketch of "a scruffy lookin' dude with a nice beard and a mullet," McPhee said. "I figured this guy might be somebody worth finding."

Since then McPhee has put up his own fliers all around town, put ads in the paper, spread the word to friends and family, and has even resorted to going door-to-door.

"Apparently there's a reward, or it's some kind of contest," McPhee said. "And I'll be damned if I'm not going to win this thing."

But getting help from friends and neighbors has proven to be a difficult task.

"It's like nobody wants to talk about it or something," McPhee said. "I don't get it. I think they're trying to win the contest too and that's why no one wants to help out."

When McPhee goes door-to-door he typically introduces himself, presents his flyer and asks the person who answered the door if he or she "knows Jesus". McPhee has been sworn at, called names, yelled at, laughed at, had doors slammed in his face, and has been physically accosted.

"I'm starting to wonder about this Jesus guy," McPhee said. "It seems like he really ticked a lot of people off."

McPhee continues to dedicate himself to searching despite the negative reactions.

"For every one of them who throws things at me or screams profanities, there is someone out there really trying to help," McPhee said.

McPhee has received over 50 Bibles and directions to more than 20 different churches from those he has met along his way. Yet for all the assistance he feels no closer to his goal than when he started.

"Yeah, these books are no help to me, unless they are a secret code, but I'm pretty sure they're not," McPhee said. "I've staked out the churches too, and no one has come in yet that looks anything like the guy. Sometimes I think those people were just messing with me."

Undaunted, Mcphee has resolved to dedicate his life to this search, if that's what it takes.

"The naysayers can naysay all day long for all I care," McPhee said. "But when I win the contest and get the reward, I'll be the one laughing in their faces. You'll see!"

UPDATE: McPhee has since been fired from his job and now searches for Jesus full-time. He is supported by donations set up through his website on Myspace.com.

The Da Hussein Code

2007-01-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

Clues to Secret Location of WMD's Discovered in Saddam's Will

Baghdad, Iraq--

A team of code crackers has discovered a code in former Iraq President Saddam Hussein's will that revealed the location of a massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction, they say.

The will, released by Iraqi authorities following Hussein's execution last weekend, left much of Hussein's remaining estate to his three daughters. But analysts began to wonder if there was more to it after receiving a tip from one of Hussein's relatives. The relative, who wished to remain anonymous, said Hussein had hinted to him that the weapons could be found by examining the will. He kept the secret until Hussein's death when he notified authorites.

The relative did not know what the code was or how to crack it, but Iraqi authorities and C.I.A. analysts worked together and discovered the location of the weapons within a matter of hours.

"It really was not a difficult or complex code," Tommy Turnkey, a C.I.A. code cracker said. "You know the 'jumble' on the last page of the comics? It was just a hair tougher than the 'jumble.' I think my grandmother could have figured it out in a Sunday afternoon."

Hussein underlined 37 letters within the will and drew boxes around 14 others. The letters, when rearranged, formed a sentence that read, "What the infidels seek is fifty paces southwest of the old Lion's Den, in the cave next to the palm tree resembling an aroused phallus."

Upon receiving word of its location, U.S. and Iraqi forces immediately excavated the stockpile. The area had not been previously searched by U.S. or Iraqi forces due to a large spray-painted sign over the cave's entrance which said: "THE WMD'S DEFINITELY AREN'T IN THIS CAVE".

The stockpile was then transported to U.S. custody, where White House Spokesperson Tony Snow said it will undergo "thorough analysis".

"Experts will go through the stockpile with a fine-toothed comb," Snow said. "And we will issue a full report of the magnitude of destruction these weapons are capable of."

Bush Administration officials welcomed the discovery but were understated about its effects on the ongoing war in Iraq.

"This justifies every single decision I've made since I became President," President George W. Bush said while standing under a revamped banner that read: "Mission Accomplished (Again)". "I am confident that perhaps now my critics will not question my every single move, and that the next time I become certain that there is a grave threat facing this nation from one of the world's leading oil producers, they will fully support my decision to invade."

Vice President Dick Cheney cautioned that there was still a lot of work to be done in Iraq.

"After four years of diligent searching, we have found and removed the weapons that presented such a grave threat to our nation and the world." Cheney said. "However the current situation in Iraq is still a dangerous one that will take a lot more hard work. The weapons of mass destruction are gone, but many weapons of lesser destruction remain, and they are called terrorists.

"The good news, though, is we just got a whole bunch of free bombs to use on 'em. How do you like them apples?"

Search Continues for Missing Shoppers

2006-12-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

Broomfield, CO--

Crews searching for three shoppers missing at Flatiron Crossing since last Sunday made good progress today and say they are "closer than ever" to locating the shoppers. A much-needed break in conditions gave crews a small window of opportunity to comb previously inaccessible mall acreage and narrow their search significantly.

"We were able to cover much more ground today than any of the last previous days combined," Sheriff Jed McGraw said. "Conditions were such that we moved a lot of people and equipment. We expect to find something in the very near future."

Christmas shopping crowds, weather, and mechanical holiday displays hampered rescue efforts throughout the week and into the weekend. One crew member even had to be rescued himself when he became entangled in a moving Santa's sleigh and reindeer attraction.

The missing shoppers' families, for the eighth straight day, hunkered down with officials in nearby condominiums, awaiting word on their loved ones' fates.

"Again, we are hopeful, and we are confident our loved ones will be home for Christmas," Terry Cinnabon, Tim Cinnabon's wife said.

Cinnabon and two friends, Marla Michaels and Carla Abercrombie entered the shopping complex more than a week ago for what was supposed to be a quick trip to get a small number of items. They knew what they wanted, where they wanted to go and the route they would take, friends familiar with the trio's plans have said. By all accounts, they were experienced mall shoppers.

The route, though not unusual, was one of the more difficult traverses through Flatiron Crossing, according to experts.

"It was not the customary route," shopping complex expert Ted Mallrat said. "It is not something I would have attempted at this mall even in the summer."

The shoppers may have been setting themselves up for disaster by attempting the traverse in December when hordes, weather and holiday attractions make quick shopping difficult if not impossible.

The last contact made by any of the shoppers was a brief cell phone call Cinnabon made to his wife last Sunday. At that time, Cinnabon said they were in trouble, but had found a safe place for the time being. They were going to stay put and wait for conditions to improve before attempting to depart the mall complex, he said. GPS technology pinpointed the call as coming at or near the two-story climbing wall in Gart, a retail sporting goods outlet. Cinnabon's phone has only emitted sporadic faint signals since then.

Mallrat said the best course of action, given the conditions, was for the shoppers to hunker down out of the elements, and that Gart was a sensible place to do just that.

"There are tents there, sleeping bags, hand warmers, you name it," Mallrat said. "If the GPS is accurate, and that was their location, I am hopeful that they did the right thing and have withstood the severe conditions somewhere in the vicinity of the Gart store."

Search teams were hoping to reach the Gart climbing wall as early as this afternoon, but were turned back several yards from their destination by a parade of human nutcrackers and the Polar Express, an 18-car childrens train ride running throughout Flatiron Crossing.

"We hope to get back at it tomorrow," Sheriff Jed McGraw said. "And when we do, if the conditions are right, we expect to find those shoppers and bring 'em home."

Anyone attempting shopping excursions at any large, multi-story shopping complex in the next week should make sure conditions are not too hazardous to make the return trip and should remember to take proper precautions before leaving the safety of your automobile, McGraw said.

"And never go in alone."

Terrorists Win: Americans Choose Certain Death

2006-11-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C.--

It's official: Americans would rather die than vote Republican. Senators Conrad Burns and George Allen both conceded to their opponents Thursday, completing a transfer of power in the U.S. Senate to Democratic challengers. Democrats also gained control of the House of Representantives in elections held Tuesday.

In what has been described by some commentators as "kamikaze-style" voting, American electors disregarded stern warnings from Republican candidates that Democratic Congressional majorities would result in horrific terrorist attacks at best, and nuclear holocaust at worst.

"It's just a shame that Americans decided life was not worth living," conservative talk show host Sean Hannity said. "Obviously not enough people are listening to my radio program, or this never would have happened."

Meanwhile, terrorists worldwide were giddy at the prospects of a two year free-for-all.

"We are extremely pleased with the results of the American elections," a spokesman for Osama Bin Laden said. "We look forward to wreaking a significant amount of death and destruction upon the American populace while we have this window of opportunity."

Prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were reportedly already planning mass slaughters to occur immediately after their detentions are declared illegal by activist judges.

Exit polling indicated a majority of Americans were so displeased with GOP leadership that they didn't care whether they lived or died.

"To be honest, at this point I would welcome death," factory worker Ricky Busby said. "They can bomb us to kingdom come for all I care, as long as I don't have to listen to those idiots in Congress drone on about 9/11 and the so-called war on terror while they take 75 cents of every dollar I earn and give it to the oil companies."

Shari McElroy, whose son was killed in Iraq while patrolling a neighborhood in Najaf, said that she would rather "die in a hellish ball of fire" than see the GOP in control of Congress.

"They are the ones destroying America, not the terrorists," McElroy said. "If I was in a dark alley and I had the choice between an Arab with a bomb strapped to his stomach and a Republican, I'd rather meet the Arab. At least with him you get a quick death."

President Bush was clearly disheartened at America's decision.

"In a few days you'll snap to and regret this," Bush said. "You'll wonder how you could have been so stupid. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all have felt that way at one time or another. But you get up, you move on and you face the day. It may take a couple terrorist attacks, but by 2008 you'll start feeling like yourselves again."

The threat level in the U.S. has been elevated to Red (imminent) until further notice.

Pastor Forgives Gay Masseuse for Molestation

2006-11-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

Colorado Springs, CO--

Colorado Rev. Ted Haggard on Friday forgave 49 year-old gay masseuse Mike Jones for molesting him. Jones had accused Haggard of paying him for sex and drugs over a period of three years. Haggard admitted to buying drugs and a massage from Jones, but nothing more.

"I went over there for some meth and a massage," Haggard said. "I guess I got more than I bargained for. But I forgive him-- that's the Christian way. No hard feelings. He'll have to answer to the Lord, and that's good enough for me."

Jones, however, did not apologize and is adament that their relations were consentual.

"Ted came over with $200 and a Costco-sized tub of KY," Jones said. "He told me very explicitly what he wanted me to do. I gave him a massage, all right. I gave him the works."

Haggard, who was senior pastor at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals, stepped down from both of those positions Thursday, citing personal reasons.

"I am just not able to give 100% to my church right now," Haggard said. "I'm still dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted by a homosexual masseuse. It's going to take me a little while to walk this one off, so to speak."

Haggard's 14,000-member congregation has shown unwavering support in the wake of the allegations and has praised Haggard for being a model for compassionate conservatives everywhere.

"We just feel so bad for Ted," New Life member Simon Peter said. "It is so inspiring that he can stand up and forgive the man that did such horrible things to him. Thinking about what happened just makes me sick. Even the thought of the two of them together and that homosexual holding Ted down and-- excuse me-- I just threw up in my mouth a little. Hopefully this means Pastor Ted will be back as soon as possible."

In the prepared statement in which Haggard forgave Jones, he again reiterated that he did not meet Jones with the intention of paying for sex.

"To claim that I would pay for gay sex is ridiculous," Haggard said.

Sources close to the situation said Haggard wouldn't pay for gay sex because he usually has no trouble getting it for free.

But church members responded to the allegations of these additional homosexual relationships claiming Haggard was likely conducting unorthodox Bible studies.

"He always talks about 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,'" Ephraim Goliath said. "He was probably just converting some homosexuals."

Goliath went on to say that there were hundreds, if not thousands of people in his church who Haggard has "miraculously cured of gayness".

GOP Accuses God of Flip-Flopping

2006-10-26T18:25:00.000-06:00

New York--
In a last ditch effort to derail The Almighty's bid to win several congressional and senatorial races this November, the GOP has called into question what they characterize as an inconsistent record. The tactic has put God in a defensive posture, an unfamiliar position for the being widely credited with the creation of the universe.

"People know me," God said in a prepared statement. "They know what I stand for. Deep in their hearts, they know what's best for them and for this country, and they know it is electing me to these offices."

God entered seven different races this year as an Independent. Though many questioned His ability to handle the rigors of running multiple campaigns, He thus far has had no problem meeting the demands of an impossible schedule. In June, God stunned the public by appearing in three different debates simultaneously. Opponents have accused Him of using body doubles and stand-ins, but God has maintained that He personally appeared in each of the debates.

In making other simultaneous appearances, God seemed to overcome doubts that He really could hold several offices at once. But now, the GOP appears to be attempting to force God to answer some of the questions much of the world has had on its mind since first editions of The Holy Bible were printed centuries ago.

"Is God for war or against war?" GOP spokesman Alan Abernathy asked. "Is He for slavery? Is He for adultery? What about the death penalty? Where does He stand on gay marriage? God seems to have developed a very inconsistent record in the book He authored. It's classic flip-flopping, and the public deserves to know where He really stands."

God has stated in debates and other public appearances that He believes the Iraq war was a mistake and that the death penalty "needs some serious consideration." He has called for an end to prohibitions on gay marriage and substantial revisions to the recently passed torture legislation and the Patriot Act, saying the policies are "motivated by ignorance, prejudice and hatred."

But with God in neck-and-neck races with Republican incumbents, the GOP has mounted a formidable attack, this time using God's own words against Him.

On war and torture, for example, God has said in the Bible:

When the LORD your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally (according to the law of anathema). Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. (Deut.7:2-5, 2:34, Num.25:1-5, 31:14-17, Ex.23:33, Joshua 6:17, 8:26).

In the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them--the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites--as the LORD your God has commanded you. Otherwise, they will teach you to follow all the detestable things they do in worshipping their gods, and you will sin against the LORD your God. (Deut.20:16-18).

"These appear to be pretty clear indications that God personally mandated mass slaughters, including genocide, apparently," Abernathy said. "To turn around now and claim to be a champion of human rights seems disingenuous at best."

On capital punishment, Abernathy points out that God has said:

And when a man doth presume against his neighbour to slay him with subtilty, from Mine altar thou dost take him to die. And he who smiteth his father or his mother is certainly put to death. And he who stealeth a man, and hath sold him, and he hath been found in his hand, is certainly put to death. And he who is reviling his father or his mother is certainly put to death. (Exodus 21: 14-17).

"This immediately precedes the famous 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' phrase," Abernathy said. "If there's a greater endorsement for the death penalty out there, I haven't seen it."

God's supporters, though, have pointed out that later Biblical passages directly contradict these statements, chief among them Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount" found in the Gospels.

"You'll see that in the Gospels, Jesus clarifies God's position and that position is completely consistent with the one God is taking today," said Clarence Cartwright, a spokesman for God's campaign. "God is a God of peace and a God of love. God is love, actually."

"That's just what we're saying," Abernathy said. "The book itself is filled with inconsistencies. On one hand He's destorying Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality, and on the other hand He has Jesus saying the greatest commandment of all is 'love your neighbor'. The simple truth is that it's flip-flopping, and God has to acknowledge it."

In a stunning response, God angrily denounced The Bible, calling it "tabloid journalism at its worst."

"Those people [the authors of The Bible] put words in my mouth, and words in Jesus' mouth," God said. "Rumor, innuendo, and hearsay. That's all that book is. I sent Jesus down there to set them straight, but when even that didn't work I gave up on it. I mean, these are the same people that thought the downfall of Man was caused by a talking snake and an apple."

Analysts are already saying God's tirade may have hurt his numbers among evangelical Christians, whose votes He was counting on to help put Him over the top.

"I don't know if I can vote for a candidate that doesn't believe in the Bible," Kansas resident Shirley Smith said. "I need to know that He represents my Christian values, and a statement like that tends to make me think He doesn't. And when He said He was against the death penalty, well that just cinched it."

The bright spot for God in all this, if any, is that He may have actually raised His numbers among atheists.

"He has already come out very strongly in support of the separation of church and state," Brentley Bromile, a political analyst said. "The Bible rant will likely get more secular-progressives out to the polls, and if there are enough of them He may be able to close the gap."

El Diablo? No!

2006-09-27T00:10:00.000-06:00

Guest commentary by The Devil

The world (and underworld) have been all abuzz over the comments made last week at the U.N. by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez calling U.S. President George W. Bush "the Devil". A lot of people down here have been asking me what I think about it and wondering if I thought it was bad form to come to America and call the President names. "Can you believe he insulted the President like that?" they say.

"Insulted the President?!" I said. He insulted me! I've been called every name in the book, from "Prince of Darkness" to "The Father of Lies" to the "Angel of the Bottomless Pit", but to compare me to George W. Bush? That's just wrong. I am hereby reserving a special spot in Hell for one Hugo Rafael Chavez Frias. That he would have the gall to compare me to G.W. Bush is simply astounding. Mentioning me in the same breath as that man was just a low-blow, and it will not go unpunished. Let this be a warning to anyone else (I'm talking to you, Ahmadinejad) who thinks they can get away with comparing me to this President: Think long and hard before you decide to lump me in with this guy, for you will suffer eternally if you do, and that's a promise.

Now, a lot of people might be saying, "Hey, you're both evil, what's the big deal?" Well, I might be The Devil, but I still have standards. I like to think of myself as stern, but fair. When people deal with me, I give them fair warning and they know exactly what they're getting into. Who am I to blame if temptation gets the best of them? Bush, on the other hand, is totally ruthless. He is indiscriminate and altogether uncaring. Take Iraq, for example. My good buddy Saddam and I had a good thing going over there. Sure, he was committing atrocities, but what did you expect, he's an evil dictator? Bush on the other hand, comes riding in on a white horse of "democracy" under the pretenses of "saving everyone", but ends up making it 10 times worse! Now there are things going on over there I wouldn't take credit for even if I could.

See, the difference between he and I is I let people make their own decisions. Sure, I might use a little deception and chicanery to influence the choice, but hey, I'm the Devil. I don't pretend I'm not. I might make promises I don't intend to keep, but at least they know it's the Devil they're dealing with. I'll use every trick in the book, but I won't just impose my will on people. Unlike Bush, I let people dig their own graves. And when things fall apart for the people I deceive (and they always do), I don't continue to lie to them like Bush saying "Oh don't worry, it's all going according to plan. Just tough it out and you'll get your reward in the end. . ." No, I say "Gotcha! Ha ha ha! See you in Hell, sucker! Tee hee, fiddly dee!"

Maybe a little analogy will make it clearer. If someone is drowning in the ocean, I offer the person a choice: You can pray to God, and yeah He'll probably save you, but you'll just go back to your boring, mundane life. Or, you can take my hand right now, and not only will I save you, but all of your wildest fantasies will come true. Then it's up to the person. If he/she chooses God over me, I don't just grab his/her hand anyway! Not only would Bush yank the person out of the water, whether he/she wanted him to or not, but then he'd stick a knife in the person's back and tell him/her it's the only way to drain the water out of his/her lungs. "Trust me, you'll thank me for this someday," he'd say as he goes through the person's wallet. Even I'm not that cold.

This is not to say that Bush and Co. haven't been good for business down here. Make no mistake, a lot of people are thinking it's a good idea to sell their souls lately. But I just wanted to clear the air, get a few things off of my chest and make sure people weren't getting the two of us confused. Oh, and one more thing, Hugo-- it doesn't smell like sulfur down here, it smells like The Golden Corral. Sulfur is much too tolerable.

Coma Victim Grateful for CNN's Real-time 9/11 Coverage

2006-09-13T23:26:00.000-06:00

Davenport, IA--

Tom Reynolds wasn't anywhere near Manhatten on September 11, 2001. In fact, he was sound asleep. The whole day. The whole year, actually, and all four of the next, deep in a coma since a tragic slip n' slide accident in August of that year. So when he suddenly awoke early in the morning on Monday, September 11, 2006, he had no idea his world was about to change forever-- or that, in actuality, it already had.

"The nurses came in and told me that I was in a coma for five years," Reynolds said. "After the shock wore off, I decided I had better check out CNN to see what was going on these days. You know, try to get caught up."

Reynolds, just coming to grips with the fact that he had been unconscious for five years of his life, couldn't have prepared himself for what he saw next: the World Trade Center collapsing before his eyes.

"I was back in shock," he said. "I just couldn't believe it. We were being attacked by terrorists, and all I could think was if everyone I knew in New York was ok. I started making some calls."

Friends and family in New York were shocked to hear his voice. At first they thought it was a sick prank. Reynolds was frantic.

"I just kept yelling at him to get a grip, you know, pull yourself together, man," said Ed Hampton, Reynolds' longtime friend who used to work in the World Trade Center's South Tower. "He just kept shouting 'Get yourself out of there! Get a gun! We're under attack dammit!'"

Try as he might, Hampton couldn't reason with Reynolds.

"He was absolutely out of his mind," Hampton said. "There was no explaining anything. I don't know if it was the coma or what, but he had completely lost it."

Reynolds continued to make desperate calls, sometimes to numbers that no longer were assigned to people he knew. Angela Liota, who moved to Manhattan just three months ago, was one recipient of Reynolds' pleas.

"I came home and had 15 messages on my machine, each one crazier than the next," Liota said. "He kept saying I was being attacked by terrorists and that I should crouch under a chair. I really thought it was a crazy person disturbed by the anniversary or something. I have caller ID, so if he calls back I'm screening it."

Reynolds' panic would finally subside that afternoon when, while flipping channels, he caught a report about the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Still somewhat confused by what he had seen, the truth began to dawn on him when he saw a promo for CNN's "Real-time" replay of their September 11, 2001 coverage.

"That's when I started to put it all together," he said. "Man, was I relieved. Of course, I still didn't know if many of my friends were dead or alive. And then I found out that almost as many people have died since then in Iraq- and I had a couple buddies in the Guard back then, so I started to wonder about them too."

Despite the shock, grief and worry, Reynolds says he is grateful that CNN replayed their coverage in real-time.

"You know, if I wasn't able to watch that, and truly believe it was happening at the time, I feel like I would have been missing out on a national event," Reynolds said. "You know, watching that horror unfold on live tv and feeling the resulting shock, fear and trauma was a common experience for the whole country. Missing that would be like missing the first episode of Survivor. I just would have felt really out of the loop at the water cooler."

Reynolds also credits the experience for some of his newfound beliefs.

"Had I not been able to watch the terror literally roaring in from the skies above, I would not be so nearly afraid of potential attacks now," he said. "Not afraid enough, at least, to vote Republican, which I'm going to do from now on."

Despite the initial setback, doctors expect Reynolds to make a full recovery.

9/11 Hijackers Grow Tired of Paradise

2006-09-11T23:39:00.000-06:00

Paradise--

Five years after the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States shocked the world, the 19 hijackers responsible are growing restless in paradise. Dissatisfied with their virgins and complaining of false advertising, the Islamic martyrs who earned eternity in paradise on 9/11 now say they made a mistake.

"They made it sound like non-stop pleasure," one of the disgruntled hijackers said. "I mean, 72 virgins! How could you go wrong? But they don't tell you about the nagging- or the emotional problems."

The consensus, according to the hijackers, is that none of them wants to have to "deal with the women" one more night, much less for eternity.

"Virgins are a two-edged sword," another hijacker said. "You know how it is. They all want their first time to be some special, romantic thing. And then they want to cuddle and talk about it. But, you know, I blew myself up in an airplane. What more do you want?"

Another hijacker said that he quickly grew tired of the virgins.

"After 30-40, it started to get to seem more like work than fun," he said. "And that's when they start in with the complaining. Then it's just no fun for anybody."

"I wish I was told about the technicalities," said one hijacker, thought to be responsible for United Airlines flight 93's tragic crash landing in a Pennsylvania field. "Let's say that #5 is a really good lay, and I'd be happy with her for awhile. Well, no, you have to go through all 72 before you can get back to #5. So obviously, it started to become somewhat of a chore."

Other hijackers, however, complained that 72 virgins was not enough.

"It only took me a couple of months to get through them all," one said. "So what am I supposed to do now? Yeah, I had 72 virgins, but now I all I got is 72 sluts. I didn't see that one coming."

"I don't know how they put up with it," one hijacker said of the others who were hoping for more virgins. "If they want some of mine, they can have them. I'm going to put in for Guardian Angel duty or something. What a sham."

The quality of the virgins, according to some, also leaves much to be desired.

"You find out soon enough," said one, " there's a reason that most of them are virgins."

Reports of the complaints were dismissed among Islamic militant leaders, and potential suicide bombers were told that the problems with virgins "were not widespread" and that "they were doing everything possible to rectify the situation."

Insensitive Mascots the Shame of the Sports World

2006-09-05T23:41:00.000-06:00

The 2006 college football season kicked off last weekend, and with it the debate resumes over what many see as offensive and derogatory mascot names. People across the country have been clamoring for the NCAA to ban mascot names that make reference to Native Americans. The NCAA last year declined to ban the use of the mascots, but announced they would limit the use of mascots deemed to make "hostile and abusive" references. They may as well have taken a big foam finger and slapped all the Indians in America right across the face.

Not only are team mascots like the Fighting Sioux (University of North Dakota) objectionable, but I don't think the NCAA, or all sports leagues, for that matter, should stop there. What about teams like the Raiders (Oakland) or the Buccaneers (Tampa Bay)? Were all 17th and 18th century sea-going wayfarers cunning rapists and pillagers? I know from watching Pirates of the Carribean (1 and 2) that at least some of them were jolly and likeable. Pirates around the world have the right not to be denigrated in such a way by these irresponsible mascot depictions.

Further, there are a host of animals, from reptiles to mammals, getting a bad rap. Who is to stick up for the gentle American grizzly bear, harmlessly foraging for berries and grubs in the Northern Rockies when teams from Memphis to Montana portray this creature as a ferocious bloodthirsty killing machine? And what of the endangered tiger, one of the most popular team mascots in America? Based on the mascots alone, you'd have to assume that tigers are senseless man-eaters that will stop at nothing before all of your babies are devoured. But you'd never be able to find out for sure, because there aren't even any wild tigers in the U.S.! To even guess that tigers might be fun to hang around, you'd have to be from Inda, or know someone who is. And who knows anyone from India? I guess you could call your computer's technical support number, and ask them, but what would they know? They sit in warehouses all day answering technical support calls. The point is, animal mascots are at even more of a disadvantage because they can't even sue. So you can have a team called the "Furious Field Mice" and portray a red-eyed, evil mouse with fangs in full attack mode and completely get away with it.

To make matters worse, teams are now exploiting natural phenomenons for mascot purposes. I can think of nothing more insensitive than mascots like the Lightning (Tampa Bay) and the Hurricanes (Carolina). Think of all those Hurricane Katrina victims scattered across the country, trying to piece their shattered lives back together. So they turn on their new plasma screen tv's (thanks, FEMA) to take their mind off of it all, and what comes on? A Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, complete with rabid fans chanting "Hurricanes! Hurricanes!" over and over. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. And think of the poor lightning strike victims, recovering from surgeries and skin grafts in a Salt Lake City burn center, propped up in their beds so they can catch a little tv before they pass out again from the pain. And what pops up? A Tampa Bay Lightning game! Outrageous! Lightning and Hurricanes take a massive human toll on our population year after year, but somehow these mascots slipped past the censors. It's like naming a team the "Holocaustin' Hitlers" or the "Slaughterin' Stalins". Of course, no one would stand for that. Maybe the "Murderin' Mansons" would cause a bit of a stir, but probably only in California.

So what is the solution? I think to get away from all the controversey and bickering, teams should adopt accurate mascots from everyday life that everyone can relate to. Because as you know, Sioux Indians no longer raid villages on horseback with piercing war cries. But often they will still take your money at a mega-casino. So maybe a more accurate suggestion would be the University of North Dakota Swindlin' Sioux? You could then easily transfer this theme to other tribes: The Flimflammin' Flathead, Bilkin' Blackfeet, Hustlin' Hopis or Shuckin' Cheyanne. That's five replacement, non-offensive mascot names right there. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to come up with more.

To be fair, we shouldn't be limited to Native Americans either. There are plenty of caucasian people out there that are every bit as scary as the animals and ancient warriors of our past. You could have teams like the Relative-rapin' Rednecks, Jug-jigglin' Jailbait, Mice-munchin' Methmouths, Crack-addled Kid-killers, or Neo-conservative Christo-fascist War-mongers. I think there are plenty more where that came from.

That's just the start- the rest is up to you. Remember, as the fall sports seasons get underway, the team you're cheering could be insulting you or your ancestors with reckless and derogatory mascots. They could also be rubbing a horrible tragedy in your face, like the Pittsburgh Steelers do every Sunday to anyone who's ever been injured or killed in a horrific steel factory accident. And no one deserves that.

Dr. Phil Tells Middle East to 'Get Real'

2006-07-21T15:00:00.000-06:00

Washington--

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday revealed renowned television talk-show host and conflict resolution guru Dr. Phil as the centerpiece of the Bush administration's strategy for quelling the escalating violence in the Middle East.

"Dr. Phil brings with him a wealth of experience in these matters," Rice said. "His straight-talk and no-nonsense style is just what this kind of conflict calls for. He won't pull any punches."

Rice, while not promising that the U.S. strategy could result in a cease-fire between Israel and the militant group Hezbollah who on Friday entered their 10th day of fighting, said she was "hopeful that Dr. Phil could be as successful in this arena as he has been with his shows."

The relationship and self-help expert is scheduled to arrive in Tel Aviv Saturday where he will meet with Israeli officials. From there, Dr. Phil will travel to an undisclosed location where he plans to conduct one of his now infamous "Relationship Rescue" retreats for the leaders with direct ties to the conflict. Dr. Phil reportedly has invitation acceptances from Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and several representatives from Hezbollah itself.

"We're going to get down and dirty, and eventually we'll get to the bottom of this whole ugly mess," Dr. Phil said. "It's time for these people to get real- with each other, but most importantly, with themselves."

Dr. Phil was encouraged by the participants' willingness to sign up for the weekend.

"The first good sign in all of this is that the invitations have been accepted," Dr. Phil said. "That the players are willing to show up in the first place tells me that we can make some real progress."

President Bush also seemed hopeful a cease-fire could result from Dr. Phil's intervention.

"I've seen the guy work on T.V." Bush said. "And, by God, he gets it done. Those people don't know what they're in for."

The retreat is scheduled to last two days, but Dr. Phil indicated to the participants that he can extend that "as long as he feels is necessary." It will involve both group and individual sessions, a therapeutic workshop and "fighting fair" seminar. Ultimately, Dr. Phil hopes to accomplish an agreement "everyone can live with" and make each of the countries involved a "Dr. Phil country," which means he would be able to keep track of their progress and hold them accountable if they break any terms of the agreement, he said.

"One year from now I want to have everyone back on the show for a spectacular reunion special," Dr. Phil said. "And if any of this nonsense crops up before then I'm just not going to put up with it."

Missing Teen Found Alive in Geraldo's Basement

2006-07-08T15:35:00.000-06:00

New York--

More than a year after her sudden disappearance shocked the nation, Alabama teen Natalee Holloway has been found safe in Fox News host Geraldo Rivera's New York apartment.

Rivera admitted holding the teen captive there for 13 months while tens of thousands of agents, officials and volunteers searched diligently for her remains.

"We were convinced she was alive," Beth Twitty, Holloway's mother said. "It is a relief to know she was safe all along."

Twitty thanked Rivera for "taking good care of her" and Fox News for "everything they have done for us this past year and for keeping Natalee out of harm's way."

Rivera reportedly discovered the teen last year while in Aruba covering her disappearance.

"She was lying passed out in my hammock the day I got there," Rivera said. "Both Fox News and myself agreed the story couldn't end that way, so we made the decision to sit on it awhile to see how things would play out."

Rivera's hammock sits on his sprawling Aruban estate a half mile from the beach where Holloway was last seen. With heavy security and dogs guarding Rivera's property, it remains unclear how Holloway made her way to the hammock. The teen had no memory of how she got there, or her subsequent trip to New York.

"I woke up and I was like, 'This isn't Aruba,'" she said. "I knew I got wasted the night before, but I didn't think I was that wasted."

Holloway said the last thing she remembered was "hooking up" with "some guy" on the beach. She could not remember his name or give a description, other than to say that he was "totally hot and cute, and it was really, really awesome."

"When I came to I was in, like, this really sweet basement lounge type thing," Holloway said. "And, like, there were pictures of Geraldo everywhere. I guess it was kind of strange. Then this guy came in and said that Geraldo saved my life and that someone was still trying to kill me. He said I'd be safe here. Then he gave me some booze, which was cool because my head was pounding."

Rivera's cover was blown when neighbors heard what they thought was a domestic dispute and called the police. Police arrived to find Holloway, Rivera and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly in a heated discussion about the Iraq war.

"It sounded like a husband and wife just going at it," neighbor Fred Rogers said. "It turned out Natalee was just getting under O'Reilly's skin. She's a little firecracker."

"She was talking about Cindy Sheehan and bringing the troops home and stuff like that," O'Reilly said. "I'm not going to sit by and tolerate someone who has sympathy for terrorists."

"In the last year I hung out with those guys [O'Reilly and Rivera] quite a bit," Holloway said. "And I can tell you, they're both f----- in the head. O'Reilly was actually arguing about how great the U.S. is by saying 'Look at Aruba, they can't even find your killers! It's been over a year!' I was like 'Hello, Bill, I'm right here, I'm alive!'"

Rivera and Fox News have been roundly criticized for not immediately disclosing the teen's location.

"We were going to break the story as early as Fall sweeps," Rivera said, "But they just kept making arrests. Even we couldn't have known the story would get this kind of momentum."

In a search of Rivera's apartment, authorities reportedly found plans that show Rivera and Fox News planned to transport Holloway back to Aruba so that Rivera could discover her live on the air.

"Sweet redemption," Rivera said, commenting on what might have been. "Everyone would have completely forgotten that whole Al Capone's treasure fiasco."

Both Rivera and O'Reilly face multiple criminal charges including aggravated kidnapping and contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but Twitty is reportedly asking that charges not be filed.

"These men are heroes," a spokesman for Fox News said. "You should be giving them medals and a parade."

"I need you"- Repentant Kobe Begs Shaq's Forgiveness

2006-05-20T12:42:00.000-06:00

Miami-

Dozens of phone messages left by Lakers star Kobe Bryant for Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal at the team's headquarters reveal a despondent Kobe in the throws of a mental breakdown.

Heat officials described the messages as "disturbing."

The messages, all left between 3 and 5 a.m. Wednesday morning, seemed to be triggered by the Heat's series-clinching win against the New Jersey Nets the night before. The win means the Heat will reach the Eastern Conference Finals for the second straight year, while Kobe's Lakers, opening-round losers to the Phoenix Suns, have once again fallen short of post-season success.

O'Neal, referring to the events leading up to the future Hall of Fame center's departure from the Lakers prior to the 2004-05 NBA season, made it clear that he would not consider playing with Bryant ever again.

"No, Kobe, no," O'Neal told a crowd of reporters at a team workout Friday. "It's over. He made a decision and he has to live with it. We will never play basketball on the same team again."

O'Neal went on to call the messages "bizarre" and "a little creepy."

"If we weren't on opposite coasts, yes I would be concerned," O'Neal said.

Heat officials discovered the messages Wednesday morning and made them available to O'Neal Friday. As soon as the star center learned of the messages, he cancelled his morning shoot-around to hear them.

"We told him he didn't have to listen to them if he didn't want to," front office staff member Susan McPhee said. "But Shaq actually seemed to get a kick out of them."

A transcript of the messages has now been posted on O'Neal's personal website. In the messages, Bryant starts out innocently enough, telling O'Neal "It's been awhile" and that he just wanted to "catch up." But shortly thereafter the descent into madness begins its freefall as a distraught Kobe laments their time together in L.A. and pleads with O'Neal to come back to the team.

"I need you," Bryant pleads at one point. "I didn't realize how much until you were gone-- I know I made a mistake, and I want to make it right. I am just so sorry."

"I'm lost without you," Bryant sobs. "I am nothing. I don't know if I can sit through another playoffs watching you play with another team. It's wrong, just so wrong. You are everything to me. If I can't play ball with you, I don't want to even suit up."

"Come on," Bryant says on the last of 36 messages. "You can't deny what we had together. We could have had it all. There's still time. Just give me a call big guy."

Bryant could not be reached for comment, but NBA Commissioner David Stern said he is looking into the matter and "will help Kobe get whatever help he needs."

Securing My Borders: Personal Space

2006-05-04T18:43:00.000-06:00

A couple of days ago, while watching hundreds of thousands of people flood the streets to make their voices heard on illegal immigration, I was inspired to go out on my own street corner with a cardboard sign I made. But I wasn't protesting congressional bills. I was drawing a line. Literally. I drew a circle around myself with a piece of chalk, about 3-4 feet in diameter, and held a sign that said "Kindly leave this space alone, or I'll punch you in the face." Some people will call that an act of desperation. Well, desperate times require desperate measures. And I'm getting desperate. The USA-Mexico border is not the only artificial boundary that is unsecure these days.

Yes, folks, my borders are under siege, and its only getting worse. I had three colds last week alone, and I barely go out in public. And don't think it was just one cold that got better and worse-- I know it was three, because one day I was completely fine, then the next day I could hardly breathe and my eyes watered so much I could barely open them. Then the day after, I'm totally fine again, and so on. But someone pointed out that it could have just been allergies, which would really be too bad. If that's the case, I guess I'm allergic to people. Of course, I know I'm not allergic to all people. . . just the one's I don't want to be standing right next to. I know this because there are plenty of people out there that don't make me sick. Well, a good handful at least.

But it seems like more and more people think they can just waltz right into my personal space these days, bringing with them their pet dander, pathogens, putrid perfumes, fetid tobacco tar-breath, toxic hair products and cancerous body sprays. All too common nowadays are the work-week hand shakes, barbecue back-slaps, leisure-time fist pumps, church get-together hugs, Sunday Mass hand-holding and supermarket checkout-line brush-bys that make my immune system cringe.

So, like our fearless U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, I've decided to stop the madness. Be advised that I am passing new Personal Space legislation effective immediately. Anyone who enters my personal space without authorization will be immediately deported, by force if necessary. Only those who have been allowed to enter my personal space continuously for the last five (5) years will be allowed access without passing a rigorous written exam. Those who seek to apply for personal space privileges must request the written exam (which will only be provided electronically) and will have one week to complete the test from the time they receive it.

The first portion of the test will consist of several multiple choice questions covering details of my life and history. That will be followed by a short answer section in which the applicant must guess what I would do in various situations. The remainder of the test will be an essay question in which the applicant will outline ten (10) reasons why he or she should be allowed to enter my personal space. Finally, the applicant must sign a pledge that they promise not to give me any diseases. Certain individuals will be granted special amnesty, if I find them to be vital to the functioning of my life. So doctors, health care workers, EMT's, police, firemen, and of course my trusty dentist will have the testing requirement waived, because, really, they are doing work for me that nobody else would ever want to do. Besides, these are the good people, the heroes, that have entered my personal space to make things better, not worse.

Of course, now that I think about it, even my new personal space rules won't stop people from invading my personal space anyway, whenever they want. If I have to keep punching people in the face all the time, besides my arm getting really tired, I'm not going to have much time to do anything else, like eat or go to work. But if I just let these invaders continue to walk all over me with all of their strange germs and hive-inducing colognes, I'll probably end up with some kind of condition, and that's no good. I'm not a germaphobe, but it has to stop somehow. I'm buying a bubble.

Viva los burbuja!!

Jesus Sees Shadow- Christians Brace for 6 More Weeks of Lent

2006-04-17T17:29:00.000-06:00

Jerusalem--

Christian groups across the globe celebrated briefly Sunday morning, then let out a collective groan as Jesus Christ rose, appeared outside his tomb, saw his shadow, then promptly retreated back inside. The large crowd that gathered for the event quickly dispersed as clouds started to dominate what had been clear morning skies.

The risen Christ ensured 6 more weeks of Lent in the annual Easter ceremony when he emerged to cheering that quieted as he noticed the shadow cast by the bright morning sun. Christ waved and thanked the crowd, then shrugged his shoulders while looking down at the shadow.

"Well, that's the way it goes," Christ said.

He then miraculously rolled a 5-ton boulder back in place behind him, sealing the entrance to the tomb he had remained in since late afternoon Friday. Many Christians were clearly disappointed by the ceremony.

"I can't friggin' believe it," Maria Chinchilla said. "What am I going to do with all this beer and candy?"

Priests and pastors appeared flustered and frustrated as they feverishly rewrote homilies and made last-minute liturgical changes in preparation for their various Sunday services. Easter has been re-scheduled for Sunday, May 28.

Brokeback Bible?

2006-04-14T12:16:00.000-06:00

Lent is almost over, and by Sunday Catholics everywhere can stop giving money to charity, start drinking again, eat whatever they want and take the leaves they turned over about 40 days ago and pack them away until next year. Which I guess makes sense-- permanent change within the church (at least the Catholic one) is generally frowned upon. After all, Christ only stayed dead for 3 days before He gave up. Of course, that begs the question-- is it really fair then, if Christ could only manage for 3 days, that we have to give up stuff for 40? I guess we can only blame ourselves for not negotiating a better contract.

With the unveiling last week of the recently discovered "Gospel of Judas", this weekend's festivities could take on a whole new meaning. According to the ancient text, Judas and Jesus may have been closer than once thought, and, contrary to the story of deception and betrayal portrayed in the four traditionally accepted gospels, Judas may actually have been acting at Jesus' request. The argument has been made, then, that this better explains the famous "kiss" between Judas and Jesus just before He is handed over to the authorities.

But according to a revelation I had last Sunday in church while the priest was reading that very portion of the Passion narrative, it only explains part of the story. I had never really thought much about Judas and Jesus kissing before, but while sitting there listening to the reading and thinking about this newly discovered text and all the recent talk about the Bible supposedly condemning homosexuality, it suddently dawned on my like a lightning bolt from the heavans: Jesus was/is gay, or at least bi-curious. I know, I was stunned too. But once that hit me, everything else about the Bible started to make sense-- that Jesus was 33 or so at the time of His death, yet never married, that He only would round up men for disciples, that He was a carpenter (you know, woodworking). . .

It also offered me a better explanation of why He was put to death so suddenly and seemingly without cause. Executing someone just for claiming they are God incarnate? Hardly. It is now obvious to me that the crucifixion was in actuality the most notorious hate-crime of all time.

Of course, just because I was inspired by the Holy Spirit through divine revelation to come to that conclusion doesn't mean you have to believe me. But if you don't believe me, you probably also don't believe the Bible is the true reveleation of God's Word handed down to man (through divine inspiration of course), so there's that to think about.

Even though I know it's true ('cause God told me), I know you Scripture Nazis out there want some Bible quotes or something to back it up. Well, you're in luck. A cursory review of the New Testament (by me) revealed just over 150 references to Jesus' homosexual/bisexual preferences. Then, to check my work, I let a couple gay guys I know look it over (amazingly the Bible did not burst into flames and burn to ashes in their hands like I thought it would), and, wouldn't you know it, they found over 700 references! I guess I just couldn't pick 'em out the way they could.

What's that? You want some of the quotes? Well, since I assume some of you may not have a couple of gay friends handy to help you out, I'll give you just a couple of the highlights. Remember when Jesus went gathering up disciples, and told a couple of them to put their fishing nets away and follow Him? Remember what He said when they were concerned that they weren't going to be catching fish anymore? That's right, Jesus said not to worry because they were going to become "fishers of men". And with Jesus' striking good looks and long flowing hair, you can bet their nets were going to be full.

Skipping ahead to the end of His life, remember when He tells Peter that he will deny him three times before the cock crows? Regardless of the obvious clues the species of the bird provides, remember the words Peter uses to deny Him? That's right, Peter claims that he didn't "know" Jesus. And you all know what to "know" someone in the Biblical sense means. . .

Speaking of "knowing", everyone knows that throughout the gospels John is referred to as the disciple whom Jesus "loved". But it is also repeatedly stated that Jesus loved everyone. So why would the authors feel the need to go out of their way to say that Jesus loved John specifically? Obviously they were trying to clue us in as to what a lot of their "secret meetings" were all about, but didn't want to be too explicit for fear that their gospels would be banned, and themselves executed (editors were a little harsher back then).

Finally, there's that kiss. If I remember right, Mel Gibson conveniently portrayed the kiss from Judas as being one on the cheek. But since every word of the Bible is meant to be taken literally, if the Bible meant it to be a kiss on the cheek, it would have said so.

Also, with homophobia at all time highs at the time these texts were written, one would think the author would have been absolutely clear on that as to avoid any confusion. But at the same time, gospel authors can't, by their very nature of being gospel authors, deviate from the true inspired Word of God, so "kiss on the cheek" was obviously not how it went down.

Two of the four gospels (Matthew and Mark) use nearly the exact same words: "Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him." The other two contain significant variations, but there is absolutely no mention of any cheek-kissing. And apparently the kissing wasn't really a big deal to anyone, or there would have had to be some kind of follow-up like ". . . as those gathered around turned away in disgust" or ". . . as the men who had come to arrest Jesus threw rocks at Him and called Him names".

So what does this all mean? Is Dan Brown all washed up? I don't think so. Remember, God told me that Jesus was not gay, but bi-sexual. So obviously Jesus still could have fathered a child with Mary Magdalene and the whole Holy Grail saga remains plausible. But what this does mean is that all the people who claim the Bible condemns homosexuality better get a grip, because this Easter, Christ's here, he's queer, so get used to Him!

Sarcasm Tutorial

2006-04-02T23:40:00.000-06:00

Anyone Ever Heard of Sarcasm? A Rear End Tutorial
Originally published in The Gonzaga Bulletin's 'Rear End', Feb. 15, 2002 (in response to angry letters regarding the diversity article):

The thing I love most about Gonzaga is how well everybody understands sarcasm. Since I never write in that style, people have few problems grasping the high concepts and lofty notions in my stories. That is why there is absolutely no need for a crash course in sarcasm, parody and satire: You all just seem to "get it" like it was innate at the moment of birth. Amazing.

First of all, sarcasm always means exactly what it says. If it is 100 degrees in a classroom on the fourth floor of the AD building and I say, "Damn, it's freezing up here," that means I'm cold and I would like to borrow a sweater. If someone down the hall in a dorm is blasting Kylie Minogue at 3 a.m. and I say, "Hey, that song's awesome, could you turn it up?" that means I love that song and wouldn't rather be sleeping. It also means I wouldn't rather be shredding my eardrums with a cheese grater.

Now I know this is some tough stuff, but try to keep up. Say I just got an F on a test. It is likely that some cheery goon might say, "Hey, I aced that test no problem. How'd you do?" I might then say, "Awesome." That means I like getting F's and like it even better when cheery goons discuss their winning grades at length with me.

The same rule doesn't apply to food, however. Say I am at the COG, for example, and someone comes by and says, "How's the burger?" I would probably say, "delightful," which in that situation means the burger definitely does not resemble a sick cat's stool sample. If they then proceed to inquire about the soup, I might again use the catch-all, "awesome," (just like I did about my F) but this time it would mean the soup is gourmet, not that it looks more like the vomit after a Thanksgiving feast.

You should be beginning to see that sarcasm has very few uses. It really only comes in handy when you want to say exactly what you mean and be entirely serious about it. Like after a date with someone who slapped you in the face and told you they never want to see you again, someone is likely to ask how the date went. If you want to be a quick wit and make a joke of the whole thing, steer clear of sarcasm! Instead, say something like, "Oh, it pretty much kicked ass . . ." as you rub your still red and bleeding face. Your friend is apt to say, "Great! So when are you two hooking up again?" This is because they undoubtedly understand sarcasm and your conscious choice to not use it in that situation.

OK, so now I'm going to up the ante. Imagine the possibilities if you could answer one sarcastic remark with another sarcastic remark. It's just too bad that you can't. Say you have to do a horribly long research project for class, and after it is assigned a classmate says, "This project is going to be sweet." You might think you could then say, "What the hell are you talking about? Research is stupid and you are stupid if you like it!" But since the first statement clearly means that the student loves research and loves research projects, your reply would be extremely out of line. But if you feel that the person's statement is completely serious and you're comfortable with it, go right ahead and let fly with the sarcasm in your response. It will further discussion and form the bridge between two widely differing viewpoints. This, of course, will be because you're on "the same page."

Take the "Rear End" for example — with a name like that, how could anyone in their right mind think it to be a page of sarcasm? Couple that with the fact that the Bulletin's "Opinion" section features nothing but column after column of hilarious, clever and biting satire while the "Rear End" consistently offers up only the most serious, droning and banal discourse imaginable. But I guess it's easy to see why you would confuse the two.

So, since you don't need it and obviously have mastered the subtle shadows that divide the serious from the satirical, I have devised the first-ever "Rear End Sarcasm Quiz." Answer all the questions and check your score at the bottom to see if you are a jackass. No cheating.

1) It's February in Spokane which means it is overcast, windy and there is a slight drizzle. Your friend opens the curtains and says, "Hey, another glorious day in tropical Spo-Canada." S/he really means:

a) S/he likes Spokane and the beautiful climate it affords.
b) Winters in Spokane are dreary and no one could possibly do enough harm to society to deserve such a punishment.
c) S/he is from Seattle so it's really too hard to tell.

2) After a drunken Kennel Club member vomits all over your friend's new pants at a basketball game, the friend curses and says, "Sweet, thanks Kennel Club. Real classy of you." S/he really means:

a) S/he is indebted to the Kennel Club for making her once ordinary jeans unique and interesting, and aspires to be as knowledgeable and reputable a fan as to be worthy of Kennel Club membership.
b) The Kennel Club, while a good idea on paper, in reality amounts only to throngs of drunken revelers who for the most part possess little appreciation for the finer points of basketball, yet can debate at length the merits of certain Bulldogs' hind quarters while slinging lewd, crude and rude obscenities at opposing players and officials with reckless abandon in a consequence-free environment.
c) S/he is in the Kennel Club so this stuff "doesn't ever happen."

3) Your friend writes an article in the paper which claims that anyone that goes to a public school is a "fornicating heathen" and should be shunned at all costs. S/he really means:

a) That all non-Catholics are sinners and will perish with Lucifer in the fiery furnace, and we must create a bubble around ourselves and dare not peer out from it, lest we be corrupted by evildoers.
b) That while the idea of keeping a Catholic university aligned with its mission and ethos is very admirable and extremely beneficial to faith and community development, the point of view that some (not all and not even a majority of) people at GU have is very dangerous in that it seems to value Catholicity over diversity and freedom of ideas, thus subscribing to the notions of "old-school" Catholicism which held that if it was not Catholic it was bad. While the Catholic church has moved forward and recognized that good and even truth can be derived from other faiths, it would be nice to see the entire GU community embrace the belief that non-Catholics have something to offer too and quash the stereotype of "the public school heathen."
c) You react before you think and it won't matter anyway.

Congratulations! You've completed the "Rear End Sarcasm Quiz." If you answered "A" to each of the questions above than pat yourself on the back: you are a Sarcasm Wizard. If you answered "B," I'm sorry, but you are horribly misguided and should be banned from ever speaking in public again. If you answered "C," you, like the legendary albino wonder-boy Powder, are made of pure energy and you are about to burst forth through the world like lightning exploding from the heavens.

Copyright 2006 The Gonzaga Bulletin

The Horrors of Diversity

2006-03-30T22:38:00.001-07:00

Originally published in The Gonzaga Bulletin's 'Rear End', February 1, 2002.

It has come to my attention that your school is going through somewhat of an identity crisis. "Are we Catholic, are we not Catholic, should we be, and why?" seem to be the questions swirling about in your undergraduate noggins. Well, being nothing but my helpful self I decided I'd lend ol' GU a hand and clear things up a bit. I like to give back, that's all.

Anyway I think the best way to find out what a Catholic university is will be to take a look at what a Catholic university is not and go from there. This age-old debate has become a skid mark on the underwear of Catholic education, and since I now go to a "public" school in a lawless state, I believe I can shed some light on this greasy party and maybe even clear out some of the stench.

I go to law school at a large state university, and it is anything but Catholic. Each and every day at any given time there are hundreds and thousands of students having sex with each other. Not only that, but they are having protected sex. A shuddering thought, I know. Yes, there are condoms in the classrooms, birth control pills in the bathrooms and diaphragms in the depositories. Each day in the dorms gallons of bodily fluids are loosed upon the populace with reckless abandon. Saddening, yes. Shocking, yes. Real? Unfortunately, yes. Truly, this is a place of fornicating heathens.

But the saturnalia of sinfulness doesn't end there. Sometimes, and there are documented cases, students skip class to participate in sinful behavior. A friend of mine, let's call him Lucky Stiff, received a note in a psychology class from a girl who said she "was feeling horny" and to meet her outside of class. They then proceeded to use the remainder of the class period to perform a critically acclaimed re-enactment of the scene in Titanic where Jack and Rose get sweaty in a model T. He never even knew her name. Outrageous!

Here, dorm life is that of cheap '70s porn flicks. The RAs promote community not through service projects, but "service" projects, if you get my drift. The halls are lined with shag carpeting and mirrors on the ceiling. Clean-up rags hang from the bathroom walls disguised as "paper towel dispensers." The orgies have become epidemic and the STDs are rampant. Here, people get Hepatitis shots instead of Flu vaccines and an awkward silence is heard campus-wide every time that Aldera commercial comes on. Sure there's SEARCH, but from what I've heard they revolve around a search for someone known only as Poon and I'm told I have to sign up before I can learn any more details. All I know is that most people come away from the weekend looking extremely satisfied.

Then there are the retreats. Apparently these retreats are nothing more than a tag-team sex-a-thon, complete with mud wrestling and jello puddin' perversion. The sad part is that students are encouraged in these endeavors by past participants in an endless cycle of cult-like cants.

The student newspaper is nothing but a porn rag. Graphic depictions of campus life abound with reckless disregard as to who might be viewing it. Full spreads of the "Be Nude to Be Free" rally and "Co-ed Naked Twister" highlight the debauchery. Almost as dirty as the pictures are the words themselves: Words like (censored) and (censored) litter the pages of the campus publication.

The hardcover yearbook is a masterpiece in smut-gathering. An entire year's worth of sin is compiled for the perverted voyeur to drool over all summer long. In class, "group projects" become a swinger's paradise as students are selected at random to "work together" for a semester, a month, or sometimes just one class period. Shameful. Don't think the professors aren't in on it too. Just what do you think "office hours" here are all about? "See me one at a time, or in groups," one professor said. "My door is always open." Despicable! Some professors even go so far as to induce students to come talk to them "about their grade." I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Then there are the weekends. Oh, the weekends, when the true hedonism begins. On Saturday, of course, are the day-long sacrifices to Satan and drinking of blood from pigs' heads, but that's no different than GU so I guess we can rest easy there. On Sundays a great many students do the unthinkable: They work! And of those many, a percentage of them work for heretical organizations like Planned Parenthood, Victoria's Secret and Starbucks. Some even work for a coffee stand called "The Loose Caboose". Unbelievable.

Here, anyone can come to campus and say what they want about anything. Abortions are mentioned along with the day's weather. Gays frequent the same facilities as the rest of the students and sometimes even gather to — gasp — sponsor campus activities!

Yes, being a Catholic at a "public" school sure has my mind reeling. The drugs, the sex and the orgies have taken their toll. It's a little hard to concentrate when you're sitting next to a Protestant in study hall and your professor is Taoist. What really sucks is when I'm headed for a drinking fountain and all of a sudden one of these heathens cuts right in front of me and takes a big swig. Then I have to go all the way home with cotton mouth rather than drink from the tainted spigot. The same thing happens in the bathroom, though the consequences can be a bit more dire.

The bottom line is there is no escaping these sinners and their sinful ways. They have infiltrated the entire campus, from the administrators right down to the food and beverage people. Can I eat beef stew if it's stirred by a Hindu? Can I really eat a hamburger cooked by a Jew? Can I sit in the dark with a Buddhist named Clark?

These are questions that I grapple with day in and day out but that, hopefully, you all won't have to answer until you enter the horrible, secular shock that is "the real world". Well, I hope this helped you in your noble quest for truth and Catholicity. Until next time, kids, don't forget to shun the heathens!

Copyright 2006 The Gonzaga Bulletin

Opinions

2006-03-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Originally published in The Gonzaga Bulletin, Fall 1999.

I hate opinions, and I'll tell you why. Actually, it's not so much that I hate opinions, I just get tired of people trying to argue them as if they're going to persuade me to see it "their way" or something. Like maybe I'll be enlightened because of their cool way of looking at things.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for standing up for what you believe in, but sometimes I just wish some people wouldn't try so hard to make me feel guilty for not thinking and acting just like them. Besides, most people feel guilty enough as it is without someone spouting a bunch of nonsense and then claiming it would make the world a better place.

"More understanding and openness to creatures of all kinds will keep the world smiling," and sentiments such as these are the kinds of things that give opinion its bad reputation. Statements like these are completely meaningless. Am I supposed to think long and hard the next time I'm going to step on an ant? Yeah, I guess I'll consider things from the ant's point of view next time.

You might think that trees shriek each time chain saws cut into their bark, which is fine until you try to say that logging is one of the world's great evils because of it. That's no good for two reasons: The first is that you're treating your opinion as fact, which will never work, and the second is that trees shrieking might not be an altogether bad thing. As far as I know, there are an equal number of shrieks from pleasure as there are from pain. Who knows, maybe certain trees would rather be made into sturdy table legs than live in overcrowded and oppressive forests.

Opinions, furthermore, are so much harder to deal with. Facts are easy, which makes them wonderful. Facts don't make me feel bad about myself, or ask me to change and grow as a person. The fact that the earth is round means little to me during my daily living. It's not like I'm thinking about the roundness of our planet when debating how I should treat someone. In fact, facts rarely force us to make decisions about anything.

Presuppose, for a moment, that we could actually hear the trees shriek. For most people that would mean it is a fact. Nothing would change, because we would be arguing whether they shriek in agony or ecstasy. Most likely we would hear both types of shrieks with some giggling and chortling thrown in to really complicate things. The loggers would buy earplugs and we'd all get on with our lives.

It should be noted here that I've only heard a tree shriek once, and that was because it was being used as a bathroom. At any rate, facts are just so much better at avoiding confrontation. Opinions have a tendency to start arguments, and arguments tend to waste a lot of people's time. Arguments about facts are short lived, for the most part, and in this world of sound bites and instant pleasure, that's all for the better.

Nevertheless, there will be countless people "expressing" their opinions all over the place, and most of the time they do so in such a way as to prove that they possess the "right" opinion. This is as laughable as shrieking trees or crying bunnies. An opinion is just that: Someone's point of view. It is neither right nor wrong. If you agree with it, you might call it "right" and if you disagree you might think it's "wrong," but be aware that just because it's your opinion doesn't mean it's "right"' it simply means it's yours.

If you think that bunnies cry when they are blown to smithereens by a shotgun, then don't shoot bunnies with shotguns. But don't try to get everyone in the world to stop shooting bunnies with shotguns without first convincing them that these bunnies indeed cry. You would then have to convince them that bunnies crying is a bad thing, and so on. It never ends. But telling people to stop shooting bunnies because you think it's horrible is poor motivation and a dreadful waste to the person shooting bunnies.

On the other hand, you might be a giant rock star or athlete/role model, and that would mean that you have a whole slew of fans that don't think for themselves. Then, everything you say constitutes their moral guide to life, and all you have to do to keep them from shooting bunnies or violating trees would be to simply say, "Bunnies cry and trees shriek when you hurt them. But I can't tell you why."

Nobody does this better than advertising companies. They get Michael Jordan to endorse something, and it's automatically superior simply because he says so. And it works because we are gullible and they know it. Thank God MJ is voting for Bill Bradley, now I won't have to decide for myself. So please, give people some credit and don't just state your opinion but live it. And if the mood strikes you, hug a tree or take a bullet for a bunny, because we've got more than enough people talking about it. And that's my opinion.

Copyright 1999 The Gonzaga Bulletin

Philosophy is Bunk, and I Can Prove It.

2006-03-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

Originally published in The Gonzaga Bulletin, Fall 1999.

Philosophy is bunk, and I can prove it. You see, I have a real problem feeling subordinate to those hailed as "great thinkers" when all they really did was lie, both to themselves and to others.

How is it that someone comes to be dubbed a "great thinker"? How can someone be better at thinking than someone else? Who decides this anyway? If it were up to me, I would consider the majority of philosophers to be the absolute worst thinkers of all time simply because they waste so much time "pondering" subjects that by their very nature have little or no chance of having any resolution whatsoever.

Ultimately, all these "thinkers" do is start century-long arguments that have no right or wrong answers. A good balance of these arguments are nothing but a colossal waste of thought-- and my mama always said never to waste my thoughts. The analogy she always used, which I thought was brilliant, was to compare knowledge to a tube of toothpaste. She would say, "Son, if this tube of paste was your brain, and you wanted to squeeze all that goo out of it that you could, would you just squeeze from any old place on the tube? Of course you wouldn't. You would start from the bottom, and press all of that stuff out to the top until it was plum empty." Someone should give her some kind of an award for that one.

Consider this: The only proof we have that we exist is that we think. Some philosopher said that once. He was just as wrong as all the rest of them, and I can prove it. You see, to say thinking causes existence, we first have to decide what has the capacity for thought. For example, what if something didn’t exist, but still thought? Would that mean we don’t exist? It's like asking how many babies can fit in an elevator on an abnormally humid day between July and November. What's the point? It could go on forever.

Kermit the frog says it's not easy being green, but who's to say he's really a frog, and aren't there plenty of frogs that aren't green? Isn't it harder for these un-green frogs to live than the green frogs? I mean, at least the green frogs have something in common with each other. These un-green frogs face ridicule and oppression wherever they go because it's like, "Hey, you're not a frog. Stop hopping around like that."

Put yourself in a philosopher's shoes for a moment. You have to ask yourself a couple of questions: Why do you have so much free time on your hands, and what happened to all of your friends? You've got to be able to admit that you might not know something.

Have a look at the sciences. They aren't afraid to admit when something cannot be explained. If they have an idea that they can't prove, they simply say, "It has yet to be proven." They don’t end up huddled in a ball in the corner rocking back and forth crying over it either. They move on, and they don't worry if someone thinks otherwise. They don't need to play logic games and have intense dialogues. Just show them a picture of it and they'll be happy. Tell a philosopher about a discovery of some sort, and you start getting questions like, "Can we really believe what we perceive," or "Is something real because it's what we feel," and other rhyming nonsense of cheerleading caliber.

I think it is really a matter of faith, and I can prove it. The essence of faith is that you believe something that you can't possibly prove. If you can prove it then you don't need to believe it because it already is, and therefore requires no effort on your part to believe that it is true. The big problem, the one that everyone thinks they have an answer to, is how to prove God exists.

Let's take a look at how many philosophers have claimed that they could prove God existed. Well, that would be work, so let's just say there have been a lot. To my knowledge, only a few have stood up and said, "You know what, you just can't prove God exists." I think that it is a weak, shallow person that needs everything to be proven for them to believe it. Faith means so much more when what you believe can never be proven.

Ontological discussion aside, I think that it's better to believe in something even if only because you believe in it, not because a million other people have agreed with you. I feel sorry for all of the people who drool on themselves when they watch a movie like "The Matrix" and whine things like, "we were right, we were right-- the world really is fabricated and true reality exists outside the realm of sense and perception! Ha ha, log on so we can chat about it!" I don't feel sorry because they are wrong, but I feel sorry because they paid seven bucks to let Hollywood boost their self-esteem a little.

So what it comes down to is the amount of proof required by the average idiot to believe in something. My mama always said that the proof is in the puddin'. Well my tapioca reserves are going dry, and despite what Bill Cosby says, there's not much more room left in this world for J-E-L-L-O, and I can prove it.

Only two things need to happen before I believe in something. The first is that I have to think of it myself, and the second is that there has to be no way on earth to prove it. Then and only then will I lend credence to a theory. Wait a minute, that almost sounds like a philosophy. I better revise: If I believe in something, I don't have to tell you why, and in fact, I will never tell you why. How's that?

Proof shouldn't have anything to do with it. One of my favorite lines from the movie "Contact" is when Matthew McConaughy says to Jodie Foster, "Do you love your dad," and she says, "Yes," and he says, "Prove it." She knows she loves her Dad better than you do. Are you going to tell her she's crazy? I'm not.

Having to prove such abstractions of thought and emotion is ludicrous. Are you going to ask Jesus to prove that he loves you? I'm not. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. That's all the proof I need. No wasted thought here.

You can go ahead and question such things until your head spins. But I will tell you this, I'm not going to be there to catch you when you hit the cold, hard, concrete floor known to the rest of us as "reality". Did I mention I can prove it?

Copyright 1999 The Gonzaga Bulletin

Let the nordsense begin!

2006-03-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the nordsense. For those of you out of the loop, I used to write newspaper columns and stories in college entitled "Nord's Nonsense". A very wise man then came up with the idea that a shortened title "NordSense" would be appropriate. I wholeheartedly agreed. Anyway, this spot is going to serve as an archive for some of those very columns (since the "Bulletin" couldn't pull it together to go online until after I graduated), and will also serve as a forum for stuff I've been doing since then, and will continue to do.

Enjoy!

Bush Declares 'War on Hurricanes'

2005-09-03T15:30:00.000-06:00

Washington--

President Bush declared "War on Hurricanes" Friday and urged all Americans to stand united against an "insidious enemy" in an emotional speech from the Oval Office.

Vowing to make the "eradication of hurricanes" his number one priority, Bush addressed the nation for the first time since traveling to the Gulf Coast to witness the devastation caused there by Hurricane Katrina earlier this week. Bush, clearly affected by the worst disaster this nation has ever experienced, nevertheless projected strength and resilience as he called for tougher anti-Hurricane laws and implored lawmakers to give the government more tools to aid in preventing future attacks.

Dispelling any notions that the Federal Government should have been better prepared for Katrina and its aftermath, Bush instead characterized the disaster as a "sneak attack" perpetrated by the "most cowardly of evil-doers."

"These hurricanes have no regard for human life," Bush said. "It is as if they have no soul. Like the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, these lethal hurricanes barreled in with no warning whatsoever."

It was call for calm as much as it was a call to arms.

"These hurricanes are not the white, fluffy clouds you see lolly-gagging around on The Weather Channel," Bush said. "Make no mistake-- hurricanes are a lethal force, and have only one goal in mind: Turning America to rubble."

Bush went on to warn that this would be an unconventional war against an unconventional enemy, the likes of which have never been seen.

"I am confident we can win this thing," Bush said. "But it's not going to be easy. This is not an enemy that we are used to fighting. Hurricanes are made of air. That means they are virtually invisible. We're going to need some new radar, for starters. And some bombs that can blow up air."

Bush went on to call hurricanes "Godless" and lacking any "coherent ethos".

While Congress has been quick to support the President and measures to prevent future disasters, some are questioning the Bush Administration's latest bold moves, such as the mobilization of a growing number of U.S. Army, Marine and Special Forces battalions in and around North Carolina. Recent troop movements indicate imminent military operations will focus on the RBC Center, a state-of-the-art sports arena in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina. The RBC Center is home to the National Hockey League's Carolina Hurricanes.

"If any state, and that includes any in these United States, is found to be harboring deadly hurricanes," Bush proclaimed, "it will be compelled by any means necessary to cease and desist. If you're not with us, you're against us."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told a Congressional panel yesterday that "The RBC Center, in Raleigh, appears to be facilitating extensive hurricane related activities, and has been under close surveillance by this administration." Rumsfeld went on to say that the "group so bold as to proclaim themselves to be the 'Hurricanes' are preparing to mount a substantial assault on major cities throughout the U.S. and Canada."

"Sadly, the group's propaganda machine is already in full force," Rumsfeld warned, "It has become apparent that the entire citizenry of Raleigh is backing these monsters' efforts."

"Go Hurricanes" and "We Love the Hurricanes" placards and flags could be seen lining the streets of downtown Raleigh.

Rumsfeld then produced what he called a "hit list" of potential attacks that he claimed were to be carried out by the group of 25 or so men in over the next nine months. According to Rumsfeld, the Hurricanes were to launch several attacks from Raleigh before invading neighboring U.S. cities starting with Atlanta on September 24.

"It is fortunate that the President and Congress acted as quickly as they did," Rumsfeld said. "Otherwise we could very well be digging Atlanta out of rubble on September 24."

"It will be interesting to learn the whereabouts of these men the day Katrina hit," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said. "I would be shocked to find out they were somewhere playing hockey."

Little so far is known about the current make-up of the Hurricanes. Peter Laviolette, the alleged leader of the group, appeared dumbfounded by the government's allegations.

"I don't get it." Laviolette said. "We're just a hockey team. Do they want us to change our name or something? We're supposed to be something scary. I guess we could pick one of the few racial slurs that football hasn't used yet. . ."

The group itself is comprised of mostly Caucasians, some that have been confirmed to be U.S. citizens. Others hail from Sweden, Switzerland, Czechoslovakia, Russia and Italy. Their status is being closely watched, and deportation "remains an option," according to government sources.

In the meantime, the Hurricanes' assets will be frozen while Raleigh continues to brace for a possible military invasion.